Dwarf Titties and Tempting Fate

True to his word, Thadmar Shatterbrew came to the Guild about an hour after I placed the order and he brought with him a large, bulky Dwarven toolbox. I had given Sam and Zutiria the afternoon off but sent them to Opalina’s house for a few hours of pampering so that when they returned home the bed would be a surprise.

Surprisingly, Thadmar wasn’t alone. “Ah hope yah don’t mind, lad, but I figger’d mah daugh’er could use sum on sigh’ experience.” He grumbled his pleasantries in a voice like unpolished gravel while stepping inside the entrance hall.

“No problem at all, sir. Come in.” I was there waiting to welcome them, just doing some minor paperwork in the meantime. I rose to greet the guests and once again shook the Dwarf’s hand. “And your daughter?” I tilt my head, not seeing any signs of a female Dwarf.

He grumbles and looks over his shoulder. “Fuckin’ hearth of the Mount’n King an’ is big fat cunt- GWINNY, GET YER FAT ARSE INN’IR RIGH’ NOW!” Thadmar yells in a booming voice.

A deep, deep feminine sigh is heard outside the Guild and in walks a young Dwarf woman.

Exactly how old I can’t say for sure but the biggest tell is her hair is cut in an incredibly short, spiky boyish style. She wears artisanal clothing like her father, although she wears it much less formally and has swapped out the top for a plain white tank top that showcases her frankly huge breasts.

While not on Opalina’s level they rivaled Sam’s for sure, only made bigger by her stout physique. She was even shorter than Zutiria, although her proportions were much more developed.

“Oi,” The young Dwarf crosses her thick, muscled arms and she stamps her foot on the ground and spits in my direction. Charming. “This fuckin’ cunt is eye fuckin’ yer daugh’er ya piece a shit ol’ man, and ya ain’t gonna do shit bout it?”

Before I can say a single thing in my defense, Thadmer punches his daughter square in the face. And not like, a gentle slap or anything. I wince from the violent sound it made. “DAUGH’ER,” He screams. “AH SWEAR ON THE SHININ’ HALLS OF KRUMDUS MITHRILMINER I’LL BREAK YER’ FACE IN!”

This ‘Gwinny’ girl stands her ground, spitting blood from her mouth as she punches her father straight back in his stony face like a professional brawler. “JUS’ TRY IT YA OL-”

“AHEM.”

I start clapping in a sarcastic manner trying to move this along. “Yes, yes, beautiful showing of the bonds shared between a Dwarven Family. However as a client I would very much like if you could do the service I have paid for and would prefer than any such domestic violence be saved for a time and place that is preferably not my establishment.”

Thadmar snaps out of it and bows, “Ye, ah don’ know wha’ came over her, my greates’ apology Master, Sir. Bow ya head, Gwinlinn.” He shoots his fiery daughter a glare that finally seems to make her back off her rudeness long enough for her to do as she is told.

“Ah’ll make yer damn bed, jackass... but ah ain’t never gonna be a woodcarver.” Gwinlinn Shatterbrew mumbles under her breath before looking up at me. She glares as if her statement means anything to me and that I should be threatened, but I’m more confused than anything. Especially when after she stares at my face angrily for a few seconds longer she starts blushing and avoiding eye contact.

“Where’s all tha lumber ye said yah got?”

“In that room over there, Thadmer.” I point him towards the grubby storage room and he leaves to inspect the goods and start moving the lumber up to our bedroom. This leaves me alone with his firebrand of a daughter, much to my chagrin.

“How in th’ hells did ye get those glasses, Man?” Ignoring my personal space, Gwinlinn hops on top of a table and leans in directly to my face and inspects my glasses.

I don’t know why, but this doesn’t bother me as much as it would have. Perhaps I’m more used to cute girls shoving their faces in mine by now? Rather than blushing I simply say, “My grandpa... They’re special.”

She whistles like she were catcalling, “Ah’ll fuckin’ say. Yer granpap musta had more gold than Gimmer Goldbeard if he could afford a Thafurum original.”

“A what? Wait... Thafurum? Is that who made my glasses?”

“Ya don’ know? Fuckin’ hells, mate. Ya don’ know jus’ how lucky ye’ are. Why I’d go n’ say-”

“DAUGH’ER, UPSTAIRS! THERE BE WOOD FOR YA TO BE POUNDIN’!” Thadmer’s voice booms from the upstairs bedroom

The fiery Dwarf girl’s cheeks turn redder than her hair, “FER THE LAS’ TIME YA OLD ELF-FUCKER I TOL’ YE NOT TO GO N’ PHRASE IT LIKE THAT!!”

“I DON’ FUCK NO ELVES, YA CUNT!”

“Thas’ not what me Ma says...” Gwinlinn rolls her eyes and mutters under her breath. I try to stifle a laugh but it doesn’t work and to my surprise Gwinlinn laughs back with me. “Ya aren’t so bad, ah guess.” She offers me her hand for a handshake, and knowing how important it is for a Dwarf I waste no time returning it.

Dear Gods does it hurt, she has to be several times stronger than Thadmer. I do my best not to wince.

“Name’s Gwinlinn. Ya can call me Gwin, Gwinny, Fire-tits, ah don’ fuckin’ rightly care.”

“Charming. Truly a pleasure to meet your acquaintance, Fire-tits Shatterbrew.” I say without a shred of irony, squeezing her hand back with all the wimpy human might I have. Thankfully she found that funny and tossed her head back in an uproarious burst of Dwarven laughter.

“GWINNY, WOOD. POUNDIN’. NOW!”

She breaks off the handshake violently and jumps down with an angry face, having completely forgotten about me. At least I thought so until she looks back at me from the base of the Guild’s stairs and waves me off, grumpily. She slams her way up the stairs to go after her father and I hear the sounds of Dwarf on Dwarf violence shortly thereafter.

Aside from her initial outburst and spitting at me, Gwinlinn seemed to be a pretty nice Dwarf. Cute, even. Ah well.

‘Hold up a second there kid, that was just like... a million bajillion flags being raised all at the same time. Aren’t you even gonna lift your shades up and test what I told you?’ Oh. It seems my Goddess, or whoever this presence actually is, has been listening this entire time. Wonderful.

Now that I’m alone I feel comfortable enough responding quietly. “Why do I need to test whether I can look at her or not? You made it sound the other day that it just applies to any girl I even remotely find cute. By that logic I should be able to look at her just fine.”

‘Well why don’t you go and flirt with her more? Don’t you have a spine now?’ The Goddess asks from my heart.

“Are you going to ask me this every time I have an even remotely flirty conversation with a girl I find attractive?”

She laughs at me in a condescending way. ‘Yes. At least until you start fucking all of them.’ 

Good lord she actually just came out and said it outright.

‘Well, not like it matters. You’ve got a big one coming up anyway.’

“Would you mind repeating that?” I feel like the mysterious presence just said something incredibly important but I was too busy facepalming myself over our interaction thus far to notice.

...

I see. Silence. Well, if it was truly that important it she probably would have told me twice, right? Right. No use worrying about it now.

The domestic violence upstairs has calmed down and for a while now all I’ve heard is the sawing and hammering of wood. This goes on for barely an hour before Thadmar’s voice calls out to me and I go up into the bedroom to check it out.

The results are astonishing. Truly an excellently crafted masterpiece, my new bed is a gigantic monolith of titanic proportions and Dwarven excellency. Similar to Opalina’s, it’s a four poster bed, although each poster is a beautifully carved installment covered in fanciful Dwarven patterns and runes which I’m presuming offer the users of the bed better rest, or perhaps better fuckings.

Thankfully the rest of the room is big enough so that it doesn’t look too out of place, but in the future the master bedroom will definitely need an expansion too. I’d wager that my new bed could handle about eight people sleeping on it at once, depending on their sizes of course.

Thadmer seems extremely pleased with the quality of the bed, but somehow it looks like someone sucked all the life out of Gwinlinn. I almost want to ask if she’s ok, but I don’t want to be weird or anything in front of her dad and potentially trigger yet another father-daughter slugfest in my bedroom on top of my newly constructed sex bed.

“Ah’ll go get the matress, left it outsigh’ the buildin. Keep im’ company for a sec, Daugh’er.” Thankfully Thadmar leaves us alone so I’m free to discuss with her anyway.

“You don’t look so good.”

“Ye? An ya aren’t exactly a looker yasself are ya? Ya call that buncha scrungly pubes on yer chin a beard?”

Rude. It’s not fair to compare me to a Dwarf. I certainly think my short beard makes me look rather sharp. “I was merely concerned is all, Miss Gwinlinn.”

She raises an eyebrow and looks me up and down, judging whether or not to be serious. “If ye mus’ know. Ah’d rather be in the smithy makin’ weapons an’ armor an’ all that shit. Woodcarvin’ an’ craftin’ is just... ah, ye wouldn’t understand.”

Been there, done that.

“Your family wants you to be one thing but you want to be something else.” I sigh. “I think I understand more than you’d imagine.”

Gwinlinn looks at me curiously yet again. “Hm. That righ’? Well, we Dwarves ain’t like you Humans. Family is everything. Ah can’t just say fuck you Dad, I’m gonna be a blacksmith.”

“Why can’t you? That’s how I ended up as a Guild Master.”

“Ah...” She hesitates. “Ah can’t. I knew ye wouldn’ unnersta-”

“COMIN’ IN!” Thadmar announces as he drags in an absolutely gargantuan Elvish mattress and plops it neatly onto the bed frame. Now that it’s complete, I notice it has the uncanny effect of making literally every other object in the entire Guild look far shittier just by comparison. Fucking fantastic. This was a very good impulse buy and I feel better already.

“Got somethin’ to ask ya, by the by.” Thadmar approaches me with an opportunistic look in his eye. “Ya don’t happen to be sellin’ that fancy wood of yers’ are ya? It’s hard ta get real quality lumber roun’ these parts.”

My inner businessman activates upon sensing a deal.

“Why, it’s funny you should ask.” I smirk. While perhaps a bit unfair of me, I make sure to use my height difference with the Dwarven man to loom over him and do my best to ‘look down’ on him. Leverage is key. “Yes, my adventurers have started to kill Pinemen as part of an ongoing quest. We’ve been bringing them back here and chopping them up to sell at the Buy and Sell Easy Mart. Their prices are very fair.”

“I’ll be frank with ya. This wood is great shit, kid.” Thadmar lays his cards straight on the table. A poor move.

“How great exactly is it, would you say? The wood of a Pineman is magical and sturdy, and smells just wonderful. I think that in the hands of a skilled artisan like the fine Dwarves in your family, it’d be worth double than a silly item shop vendor who doesn’t know what to do with it.”

“Just how much he paying ye?” At the mention of ‘double’ he becomes more aggressive and his stance turns serious.

This entire time, Gwinlinn has been following the two of us silently with her eyes like watching an intense game of ping pong. It’s kind of cute, and it reminds me of Sam and Zutiria watching me strike a deal. “Typically a single Pineman gives us about 1,200G worth of gold from its wood alone, give or take. I think wanting double for that is fair, wouldn’t you say?”

He grits his teeth. “Are ya a Guild Master or a fuckin’ merchant?”

“I guess in this situation I’m a little bit of both. Tell you what. Since I’m the only supplier you have, I’ll settle for double, a fifty percent discount on future renovations on my guild, and to sweeten the deal I’ll give you the rest of the current stock I have entirely for free. A celebration of doing future business together.”

Thadmar’s face becomes a whirlwind of angry Dwarven expressions. I threw a lot of confusing offers all at once, hoping to overwhelm him. “Fifteen percent.” He grumbles.

“Twenty five.”

“... Twenty.”

I stick my hand out to the Dwarf before he can offer, in anticipation of their customs. It also puts a little bit more pressure on him to not change his mind at the last second, and he reaches out to clench my fist. Thadmar is not a great businessman, and I think I came out on top of this one a little bit more than I should have considering how many renovations this place will eventually need.

From behind her dad, Gwinlinn is crossing her arms with a smug as hell smirk on her face. I think she rather liked watching me screw him over, which is a weird thought.

“You do have the authority to broker a deal like this, yes? I probably should have checked on the outset but I only want to make sure. I know you said you’re a third generation artisan and I don’t know how your establishment works.”

Thadmar laughs heartily and follows me out of the bedroom, “Don’ be worryin’ bout that, when great granpap n’ granpap n’ my dad n’ my brothers n’ uncles n’ cousins n’ granduncles n’ sons n’ nephews all get ahold of yer mighty wood they won’t know what hit em’!”

“FER THE LAST TIME,” Gwinlinn shouts with a mighty red blush, “WATCH YER’ FUCKIN’ PHRASING, POPS!!”

I bid Gwinlinn and Thadmar goodbye, promising that later in the day I’d have a delivery made by Sam and myself but warned that if something came up I’d have it done tomorrow. Better to be safe than sorry in case the girls come home all worked up from the ‘doctor’s appointment’ and we get carried away breaking in the new bed.

“Ya maybe wanna do somethin’ bout this ‘ere door sometime’ lad?” Thadmar asks on his way out.

“Ah.” I almost forgot about that. It was the entire reason I went to visit the Dwarves after all. “Yes, in the next couple of days. That was actually the purpose for my visit today but I actually decided I had to have the bed first.” I can’t help but laugh, slightly embarrassed.

Thadmar raises a bushy eyebrow as he and Gwinlinn finally exit the guild. He says over his shoulder, “You c’mon back to us soon alrigh’? This town’s more dangerous’n the Lost Mines o’ Bhilbadihr. Would be a dern’ shame if somethin’ happened to ya jus’ cause ya didn’ fix yer door.”

“Oh, it’ll be fine. We’ve already had it like this for at least a month. What’s the worst that can happen?” I say while waving goodbye.