Gerblin Hunting

Alright, Gerblins or Goblins or whatever the fuck they’re called need to die.

All of them.

I can’t believe I felt bad for even a split second about killing these things- baby or not. All these little pieces of shit do is get erections and start running at me while jerking themselves off through their little loincloths.

Some very brave ones have tried to reach up and climb my legs but they’re no stronger than a human kid, and when standing they barely reach up to my knee if that.

I cut these damn things in half left and right, shake one off my leg and stomp its throat until it dies. Whew, being an adventurer is hard work. Kinda fucked up when you think about it. I mean yeah these things are rapey but I’m still getting paid to go out here and kill these things before they can grow up and have meaningful li-

SHIT THAT ONE’S TRYING TO TOUCH ME WITH ITS DICK-

HYAH!

My great blade cleaves it right in half from the tip of its head to its tiny little gerblin dick.

Heh. Good job, Sam.

What was I saying again? Eh. Must not’ve been important. Know what IS important? Money!

I look around and notice that this little Gerblin was the last of the fuckers in this area. I’m sure I can find more if I go walking around for a few minutes, but I got a job to do. Gotta cut off their left hands so we can mail em to the Association for our gold.

There really needs to be a better damn system than this. I think Boss and Zuzu were talking about something like that but nothing came of it.

Oh well. Guess I’ll just walk around carrying a bag of fuckin’ baby Gerblin hands like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

...

I’m kinda spoiled, I think.

While cutting off all these Gerblin’s hands, I start thinking about all the things the Guild needs.

A better mailing system... maids... security... better weapons...

I can just keep going on and on.

I’m not used to being in need of things and I feel bad cause I could probably get Boss the money to get all of that and more if I wrote back home... but...

He wouldn’t grow from that.

I mighta settled into a submissive role with him more often than not, but I still wanna toughen him up... When he told me all that stuff about the Goddess the other day, I didn’t tell him, but...

It further reinforced that this Guild is where I need to be.

Some Goddess is drawing me and all these other powerful(?) girls towards Boss and it can’t be a coincidence because when I first found out about his magic cum, my immediate thought was shit we gotta get more girls and take down the Demon Lord!!

That has to be what’s going on here. 

Boss is a magnet for female adventurers and he’s supposed to make us stronger and set us loose against the encroaching darkness! I ain’t ever been super religious but I wanna at least thank the Goddess for sending me to him... if my Father won’t do what’s right then I will, that’s what I’ve always said.

It’s not like I’m doing this out of teenage rebellion, either. I feel strongly about stopping the Demon Lord ever since I first learned about what happened in Bridgebury five years ago... that was an attack on our own soil.

A WHOLE village almost DIED.

One of the Demon Lord’s Generals led the attack and somehow, a single warrior kept them at bay long enough for the Royal Army to show up and drive back the monsters.

And what did dear old Father do in response?

Just boosted security to that one tiny ass Hamlet. Sure, he honored that-

Whoops!

Thought you could get me while I’m lost in thought, didn’t you you GREEN FUCK?

HYAAAAAH!

Mmm. Yeah, killing these little squishy shits is some damn good stress relief. I needed that... especially after thinking about my dumbass Father.

He honored that warrior who died saving her village, but he didn’t swear to combat the Demon Lord or make any such nonsense. He rode up to Bridgebury on his high horse, gave the whole ‘thoughts and prayers’ schtick and rode right back fucking home to keep fucking his WHORES!

UGH! I NEED MORE GERBLINS, I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING, I-

I...

Haaaah...

I throw my great blade onto the grassy meadow below my feet and sit down on a nearby rock.

Far as I can remember I’ve always had a quick temper. I don’t take bullshit from anyone. Never have, ain’t starting now. Even when I was a kid I knocked out a good number of annoying ministers and dignitaries just for telling me what to do.

Part of the reason I’m such a shitty Princess, I guess.

I can’t just do what I’m told. Not if it doesn't make sense, and not if I don’t wanna. People who tell you they know what’s best for you are the kind of people you should never listen to. Ever.

When Boss told me he didn’t WANT to tell me what to do, and that I should make up my own damn mind about whether or not I should use the great blade, well...

It reminded me why I love the bastard with all my damn heart.

He ain’t trying to pretend he knows what's best for me. He wants me to make my own decisions... and I know he’ll help me if I ever make a bad one. And of course I’m sure I fucking will.

Far as the weapon shit goes... I... yeah. I get it. Great blades are huge slabs of iron that you use defensively and you gotta dodge and weave, and you do WAY more damage when you catch an enemy using them as a counter attack then you do just swinging it around like I do.

My fighting style isn’t gonna cut it when we start fighting stronger monsters. I know that.

If I wanna keep using this weapon type and being a Great Blader class, then I gotta keep meditating. Slow down. Take deep breaths. Maybe even... read... a book or two. Maybe- not sure about that part yet.

What pisses me off is I don’t feel like I got a choice. Hard as I think about it, no other weapon comes to mind that’d fit me. Sure, I grabbed this sword off the rack cause it looked awesome. But what else would I use?

I got one skill and one skill only, getting angry and being strong. Ok, those were technically two things but fuck it they’re connected, alright?!

What kind of weapon would suit me if not a great sword?

A huge ass club like I’m some sorta Ogre? Maybe. But it wouldn’t feel right.

A warhammer? Tempting but... I wanna brute force my way through shit, not smash and poke holes in things.

My only other option would have to be something involving an axe. I’ve thought about it, it suits me. I could carry a big one and maybe like some throwing ones on my hips, but...

UGH. WHY DO GIANT FUCKING SWORDS HAVE TO LOOK SO GODS DAMNED COOL?!

It wouldn’t be the same!!

With a great sword I can pull it out over my shoulder and be like, “Stand back, Boss. I got this.” and then kill the enemy in one huge slash! Then I could smirk and be all like, “Heh, too easy.”

Yeah, like I thought... Great sword is still my only option.

It’s a fun weapon. The weapon isn’t the problem, it’s me.

...

I wanna keep trying. I like my weapon, it makes me feel like a badass, it suits my strengths. I know I need to work on myself in order to use the damn thing right, but if that’s what I gotta do then that’s what I gotta do.

Plus...

The Royal Blood.

I’ve kinda been avoiding it ever since I learned about it, but... It happened again with Nikita. I lost control of myself and look where that got me. Out cold in the fucking dust.

That’s the thing.

The reason I feel like I have no choice but to use great blades is because if I did learn to use them properly and clear my mind, then... I’d probably be in a lot better of a situation with my Royal Blood, too.

Learning to control myself via my sword will sharpen my mind and keep me from falling even deeper to my own anger... hell. Maybe I could even learn to use it in small bursts and become even stronger?

Yeah.

That’s it.

I’ve made up my mind- I pick up that great sword of mine back up off the ground and smile proudly. I chose this weapon, damnit. It’s bitchin’ and so am I!

Now time to get back to work cutting off these gerblin hands, and maybe go find some more. Something else has been on my mind lately, and solving it would be a bit of a long shot but more money would help.

This armor of mine... This is fetish gear for roleplaying, isn’t it?

I always kinda assumed and I took it as a fuck you to Father, but if I start fighting more powerful monsters with it I’m gonna tooootally die. Like... really, really fast.

I might have to check how much Boss has stashed away in my account. I’m pretty sure he’d count that as a Guild expenditure, right? Right.

I wanna take everything more serious. Learn to be a bit more mature, learn my weapon properly, wear some big girl armor... and whether or not I’m doing it for Boss or for myself is irrelevant. I’m doing it because I want to. If I can’t live by my own advice then what kind of a role model am I supposed to be for him, heh?

Man.

Who knew slaughtering defenseless Gerblins was such good stress relief? It was almost like I was in a trance cutting those fuckers down like animals, and it cleared my head and showed me what’s really important.

Thanks, Gerblins. I guess you little erection imps aren’t so bad after all. 

Awww, cute! That one just showed up and is watching me cut off all his friends and family’s hands. Wait, uh. No that’s not cute. That’s kinda fucked up.

Well, it’s your lucky day little guy. My bag is full and I’ve prolly made like 2,000G from just this batch so... eh. I guess I’ll let that one live. It’s not quite as creepy as the other ones and at least it’s not trying to dry hump me.

...

Maybe I should go kill it after all. Pretty sure the thing is like, swearing vengeance on me in its own language or some shit.

It’s kinda hard to take it seriously so yeah, I think I’m just gonna go. Have fun, kid!

I throw a Returner at the ground and warp back home, happy and proud of a good afternoon’s slaughtering and the important life lessons that brutally killing those little rape monkeys imparted on me.