Hooker Squad Brawl

Within this small golden room, chaos breaks out in every direction. My eyes don’t leave Taskmaster for even a second, intending to give guidance if I really need to, but otherwise, I’m just enjoying the show.

Sam reaches behind her back, undoing the clasp to her great blade’s sling, so the heavy weapon falls to the ground. It’s nothing but a liability right now, so she makes the wise decision to shed the weight and improve her speed.

The young Princess grits her teeth in a chaotic smile, running out to thrust her fist straight into the jaw of the towering, naked Orc.

The enemy howls in pain, overpowering the ears of all who listen to her Orcish warcry. She tumbles into the table behind her, wrecking it instantly under her tremendous weight as she falls against it. Poker chips and playing cards fly through the air as the wood snaps.

Her foothold gone, the drug-addled Halfling flips into the air with startling grace.

Her short sword dances about as she readies a strike aimed solely for Sam’s head, but Meri advances and takes deflects it with the sword of her buckler. Given that the Shield Maiden is much stronger than the little foe, she’s able to push back and force the Halfling to land on unfavorable terms.

Of course, a Halfling always makes the best of a bad situation, especially when it comes to their footwork. The rogue is staggered for only a moment before she steadies herself.

In that time, the Elf magic-user begins chanting something in Elvish, aiming her want squarely at Zutiria.

The Elf clearly thought the two would be having some sort of magic battle, so she was taken by surprise when Zutiria transformed her staff and brought down the mallet right on her head. It wasn’t a decisive blow. I’m not sure Zutiria is capable of that, but it does make the Elf’s forehead red, and of course, there’s the principal effect of the Staggerstaff.

The Elf falls to the golden floor face first, paralyzed as she smashes her head against the hard metal.

The Frost Dwarf sees a chance, and she throws her axe at the little Mage.

It hits Meri’s shield right as she jumps out in front to tank the blow, which notably pisses off the little naked Viking hooker. Screaming expletives at the timid brunette, a visible, chill wind begins to circle the fists of the Frost Dwarf. Gauntlets of crackling, rough ice form from the arctic breeze. Using the power of her magically reinforced fists, she begins mindlessly pummeling Meri’s buckler in an attempt to overwhelm the poor defender.

In her angered rage, she never saw Sam coming.

With wicked glee, the Princess runs up and punts the Dwarf like a ball using a single mighty kick. She smashes into the wall of gold, at which point Sam dashes behind her, grabs the enemy by her braided ponytail, and smashes her face in once more for good measure. Having verified that the Dwarf is now out cold, heh, Sam drops the Viking to the floor and turns around just in time to see the Halfling running at her.

“Sam!” Meri calls out but finds herself too busy to help. Her attention is focused elsewhere since- the Orc has regained her standing and now charges at the Shield Maiden with a horizontal strike from her warhammer. Meri closes her eyes out of nervousness and raises the buckler strapped to her armored gauntlet to meet the oncoming attack.

Orcs are savagely powerful. I don’t believe that even bears mentioning. Meri cries out in pain, and I feel my heart tear in two while watching her health meter lose a tiny chunk on the Taskmaster display. It’s not much health at all, really, since it wasn’t a ‘hit’, per se. It’s just that the Orc’s attack is so strong that even when adequately blocked, the impact must have crept into her right arm. Meri’s buckler is an aggressive form, and it just can’t absorb the attack as well as her tower shield can.

No matter how small the damage is, I don’t think I’ll ever get used to seeing one of my lovers in pain. Luxy’s healer can’t come soon enough...

Sam has a small window to do something about the oncoming Halfling’s attack, and I’m actually quite proud of her for what she comes up with. There’s a clear height difference between the blonde Princess and the three-and-a-half-foot-tall hooker, and Sam is wearing thick armor with a thick leather gambeson and trousers. If the Halfling wants to do any real damage, she’s going to have to jump again and try to shank Sam in the face.

Knowing this, Sam ducks right as the rogue leaps, and she grabs her by her oversized, furry feet. In one swift motion, the Princess grunts and lobs the Halfling right into the Orc’s face while she was preparing another attack against Meri.

“Thanks!” Meri smiles and uses this opportunity to transform her buckler into the tower shield. While Meri avoided this form in the small room up until now, this was a perfect time. The shield begins to glow as Meri closes her eyes and readies a Shield Bash, and in no time at all, the momentum blasts her hurtling forward straight into the Orc and the Halfling’s bodies.

The Art painfully squishes both foes against the bars of the jail cell behind the broken poker table, but it’s clear that while the Halfling is out of commission, the Orc isn’t. Meri backs up five feet and flings herself with a second Shield Bash, finishing the big green woman off with her attack.

The battle is over, and while it wasn’t anywhere near flawless, it was pretty damn good.

“Gods, they might actually pull this whole thing off...” Snow hides her opened mouth behind her paws, her cheeks red. “That was... astonishing, nyaa.”

“Did they win, did they?!” Peri asks from across the room where Snow is forcing her to sweep.

“Of course they did,” Cherry scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Those girls are the real fucking deal! Er-” She catches herself swearing and becomes panicked, but luckily for her, Snow doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“Excellently done, girls.” I give the three adventurers a firm bit of praise, but not too affectionately as I don’t want it to get to their heads.

‘Thank you, Sir. Nice work, team,’ Zutiria says as she stands over top of the fallen Elf, repeatedly whacking her on the head with her mallet every couple of seconds to ensure she remains paralyzed. ‘I helped.’

Sam and Meri both have a soothing sigh, and each wipes the sweat off their brow using a handkerchief tucked away in their adventurer’s pack. They both must be sweltering, but especially Meri.

Sam looks around the room at the four defeated hookers, proud of her work but also disheartened. “Is it over already? Aw, man... That was fucking FUN. I think I found a new hobby.” She laughs. “Yep, I’m definitely gonna pick up tavern brawls in the future...”

“T-Thanks for the help back there, Sam...” Meri smiles but winces while as she touches her arm.

“No prob, but how’re you holding up?”

“Um...” 

‘Drink about a fourth of one of your health potions, Meri. It should take care of it.’

“Shouldn’t I conserve it for something more serious? M-Master?”

“I agree with Zutiria. Go ahead. You don’t want your shield arm giving out mid-combat. There’s no knowing if you’ll get the opportunity to drink a potion while in the midst of battle. Best to do it now, even for a small injury.”

Meri nods and blushes, “Ah! Ok, y-yeah, that makes sense.” She takes out one of the three glass bottles filled to the brim with red liquid and drinks the amount I specified. “Mmmmm...” Apparently, she finds the taste pleasing. Within a minute or two, her arm will be back to full strength.

“Take a swallow of one of your stamina potions, too. You’re almost at half a meter.”

“Eh...” Meri stares down the suspicious green potion after fishing it out of the pack. She drinks about a third of it and closes her eyes in panic. “Bleh!” The poor girl coughs, finding the taste far from pleasing.

“How bout me, Boss?” Sam asks, opening her pack just in case.

“You’re close to full. You only did the one Art thus far against the Golem, remember? Trust me, if you needed a stamina potion, you’d know.”

“Got it. So you gonna tell us how we did or what?” Her eyes beam excitedly, and I remind myself not to shower the girls with undue praise just because of my feelings for them.

“It was good. But you could have done better. Meri, there was no reason to use a second Shield Bash to defeat the Orc. You could have held your position and kept her there pressed up against the bars long enough for Sam to come over and punch her lights out.”

“O-Oh...” Meri blushes, hanging her head in shame. “I guess I wasn’t thinking about stamina usage, I-I just wanted to finish the fight...”

“It’s ok,” I comfort her. “This is a critique on how to improve- not an accusation.”

“Alright, Master...” The brunette smiles a weak smile and nods her head a single time, summoning more of her determination back to the surface.

“Zutiria, I know you were avoiding any spell usage, but you’re fortunate you were only targeted twice.”

‘I was preparing a non-verbal spell as the Dwarf preparing to throw her axe at me.’

“Still. In the future, I want you to make further modifications to the Staggerstaff or come up with another form that can let you actually knock-out your opponent rather than temporarily paralyze them.”

‘We don’t have enough materials for that, which is why the staff is so weak...’ She frowns, and I have to remind myself not to coddle yet again.

“Understood, my criticism is invalid in this particular circumstance. Just keep your wits about you.”

The Mage gives me a silent thumbs-up, and I turn my attention towards her Highness. “Sam,”

“Give it to me, Boss. I can take it. I wanna improve! I wanna-”

“You were stunning. The only thing I can fault you on is your footwork, which could use more practice as ever. You made a number of split-second decisions that I wouldn’t have thought of, and you made them like it was nothing.”

“Wait, what...?” Sam blushes redder than her armor, taking a step back from doubt. “I didn’t suck...?”

“Quite the opposite,” I stifle a laugh and smile at the screen, gazing at my Princess. “I’m not exaggerating, Sam. You were brilliant out there.”

Sam makes the cutest face I’ve ever seen her make to this date. Her eyes open wide, as does her mouth in a full, child-like grin as if overwhelmed by complete joy from the depths of her soul. It highlights her single pointy fang and her watery emerald eyes, before all at once, she fights it back and turns away.

She closes her eyes and scrunches up her lips to restrain her smile, but it fails miserably. “Pft, c-course I was, Boss! Guess all that meditation helped after all, ha... hahahaha...”

Snow and I share an amused glance at each other before both laughing softly at the bashful Princess.

“Um, so we won... but... why hasn’t the cell opened?” Meri interrupts, grabbing the cage by the door and trying to force it open.

“Isn’t it obvious?” I ask. “The battle isn’t over yet.”

“What do you mean, Master? We beat all of the ene-”

In the northwest corner of the room, the fifth enemy begins puking once more, drowning out the sound of Meri’s voice.

“Wait... fucking really, Boss?” Sam’s blush fades, and she stares at the remaining foe in disbelief.

“It seems that way. One of you, please decide who gets to knock out the pregnant hooker. We don’t have all night.” I take an awkward sip of my coffee, shrugging my shoulders at Snow as the maid raises an eyebrow at my comment.

Sam, Meri, and Zutiria share a moment of silence between the three of them before reluctantly breaking out into a very surreal match of rock-paper-scissors.