The Simplest Answer

Luckily, the Little Sir wasn’t on the panel when it happened. He did exactly as his Mistress commanded, after all. After jumping onto the square, the rodent darted straight back off and onto the nearby floor, avoiding the lightning entirely- what a relief.

“Oh, goodness... I was so scared!” The sound of Meri’s armor clanking anxiously rings out through the room. Her poor knees almost sound like they’re on the verge of giving out from trembling so much.

‘I wasn’t. I had faith in you the entire time, my pretty.’ Zutiria reaches down to tenderly scratch behind the ear of her faithful companion. ‘We gained valuable data from your daring test of bravery.’

“Did we really?” Sam cocks her head, unsure.

“Yes, Sam. We learned that nine isn’t the first number of the password, and we learned that the panels activate as long as there’s something living standing atop them. Now, we just need to figure out what the first digit is. Zutiria, do you think the Little Sir is fast enough to run across the entire set of panels while avoiding the lightning?”

‘Yes. He is not bound to the limited physical capabilities of your standard Guild rat. In my spare time, I have improved him.’ Her big, round glasses shine with a mysterious light. The look on her face changes to one of absolute certainty.

“...Right, well. Let’s have at it, then.” My imagination goes wild, thinking about all the strange alchemy experiments the petite Mage must have done to her little test subject.

‘Round two of testing, my sweet boy. If any of the panels do anything other than what happened before, exit the grid and await further instruction. Understood?’ Inexplicably, the rat bows before her in a manner similar to my own... ‘Good. Go on, earn your place at my side.’

At Zutiria’s command, the Little Sir darts around the grid’s circumference to make his way left of the number one panel.

He stares down at the task in front of him, whiskers trembling from intense focus. This is not the look of an average rat. No... this is the purposeful expression of a man on a mission. It’s all been leading up to this, he surely thinks to himself. I know with all my heart that Zutiria’s favorite test subject won’t fail her now.

Little hands and feet scampering against the ground, the magically-enhanced rodent hops onto the number one panel and begins running for his life. The panel lights up- red, an X appearing on the arcane tech side on the furthest wall. A bolt from above, but it’s too late. He’s already on number two. Red again. Lightning, a leap of faith, and he’s at three. He swerves dangerously while reorienting himself to jump at six and makes his closest call yet.

Meri clutches her heart, tears in her eyes.

Sam sweats profusely like a run-down gambler betting at the races.

Even Snow can’t help but be drawn in by the suspense, her paws holding up the sides of her face for support.

Zutiria?

Zutiria only watches in silence as her devoted lab rat narrowly avoids the bolt of lightning, the ground beneath him changing to bright green as soon as he stands atop the panel emblazoned with the number six. Behind him, the display lights up triumphantly. Instead of a temporary ‘X’ appearing, a permanent six does.

Everyone begins cheering for the rat, who jumps off the grid onto the ground on his right and awaits further instructions- precisely as he was told.

‘Good boy,’ The Mage smiles with such pure adoration that even with her icy blue eyes frozen in place, the depth of her love for this rodent shines through. He is awarded another scrap of jerky that soon gets readily devoured between high-pitched squeaks for his work.

“That was so scary...” Meri lets out a long, mentally-exhausted sigh.

“Eh, I knew the lil’ guy was up for the job...” Sam shrugs and looks off to the side, trying to hide the tremendous look of relief on her face.

‘We’re not done yet,’ Zutiria reminds her Guildmates.

“Indeed. All we know is the first digit now... but...” I sigh and finish off the third cup of coffee. It’s starting to hit me in a bad way... I should refrain from further cups if I can help it, lest I develop a headache or problems much lower.

Before I can continue my train of thought, the white-haired maid in a tracksuit at my side pulls out a handkerchief and begins wiping the coffee-sweat from my brow for me with a dutiful smile. “Cherry, brew the Myaster some tea. His choice of drink has turned on him, and he needs something lighter, nyaa.”

“Huh? Sure thing, Snow.

I look into Snowball’s gentle eyes and lose myself in their calm, knowing serenity. I didn’t even say anything about the coffee, yet instantly she could sense something was wrong? How frightening. The skills of a head maid are not to be underestimated...

“Boss?” Sam asks from over on the screen.

“Sorry,” I stammer. “Cat got my tongue.”

Snow giggles, hiding her mouth behind her dainty white paw as ever. “Not in the way that he’s hoping for... before any of you get the wrong idea, nyaa.”

Sam looks visibly annoyed and crosses her arms, disappointed that I didn’t kiss Snow. “So we got the first number. Now it’s just we gotta figure out the other three, yeah?”

‘Right, Sammy. The only problem is...’

“T-That could take a long time, right...?” Meri frowns, imagining all the different variations we’d have to try.

“Precisely,” I sigh and slump over my office desk. This is a stupid puzzle, I’ll be the first to admit. There don’t seem to be any hints around the chamber, so could it be possible we missed something in an earlier room?

My eyes are limited by the zooming and panning effects of the three camera displays. There’s a possibility I could have missed something... a four-digit code hidden on the wall somewhere, or... I don’t know. Some detail that I failed to pick up because of the blindspot in my system, perhaps.

The point is that most dungeon puzzles at least have some sort of hint or context clue to them. That’s what was said in the many field reports, Guild texts, and reference books on the subject that I’ve read during my studies, anyway. Keeping that in mind, it leads me to believe Zutiria might have been on to something when she guessed the solution might be more straightforward than it seems.

But what could it be? It may sound boastful, but I’m not very good at dumbing down my intellect to think on simpler terms... If only there was someone who was already at such a level of intelligence who could view this puzzle using a fool’s perspecti-

“I think I got this, Boss,” Sam declares, right on time. Meri and Zutiria turn to view the Princess with a look of shared skepticism on their faces. “No... I’m sure I got the answer! If you stop and think about it, it’s fuckin’ be anything else!”

“...Sam? Are you sure?” Snow and I exchange confused glares, the maid shrugging her shoulders in response.

“I’m so sure that if you let me, I’ll do it myself. That’s how confident I am!” The young warrior raises her fist, fire stirring in her soul. Whatever answer the Princess has arrived at, she’s certain that it’s the right one and nobody can change her mind.

“Sam, a-are you sure...?” Meri bites her lip, the anxiety getting to her as she closes her eyes.

‘I don’t see anyone else claiming to have a better idea. Sammy should get to have a go at the puzzle if she’s really that sure about her answer.’

“I suppose I can agree with that...” I hold my chin up and watch as the Princess begins smirking with confidence.

The Little Sir returns to Zutiria’s hat for the time being while Sam strips off her great blade, handing it to Meri in case she needs to dodge any oncoming lightning. Taking a deep breath, the young adventurer steps forward onto the number nine panel...

It turns green. The second digit is nine.

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me-” I groan out loud, entirely on reflex.

Sam steps onto six. Her success repeats itself. It does it once more as Sam casually strolls back onto the number nine square on the grid bearing a toothy grin on her face.

The iron bars blocking the exit on the southern wall retract into the doorframe, and the arcane tech display goes wild. Flashing hundreds of colors and loudly blaring some sort of celebratory music, the numbers ‘6969’ burn with the intensity of fireworks bursting in the night sky.

Meri is overwhelmed by the stupidity, a look that I’ve rarely seen coming from her. Typically her response is to anxiously tear up or hide, but now? She just looks disappointed.

Zutiria, however, looks offended that she risked the life of her dearest pet over something so childish. I can’t remember ever seeing that cold, doll-like face of hers crack to this extent before, twisting in disgust.

Sam is standing there still atop the green-glowing panel, hands on her hips looking full of herself and awaiting praise.

“Look at that, girls. The door’s opened. Let’s get you all on your way, shall we?” I say, moving along as if this all never happene-

“WAIT A FUCKIN’ MINUTE, BOSS! I DID IT! I SOLVED THE PUZZLE!” Sam angrily whines, clenching her fists.

“What puzzle?” I ask her with a dead look on my face.

“T-The one I just solved!!” She cries, “I did the thing! I’m smart, damn it!!” Sam takes back her sword from the Shield Maiden and looks to Meri for support or praise.

“It sure was nice of the Goddess to include a room where we could stand around and do nothing for a few minutes to catch our breath,” Meri smiles as she walks towards the exit, rewriting her version of her events while ignoring Sam altogether.

“THE FUCK?!”

‘Indeed, I’m glad there was a chance for the Little Sir to stretch his little feeties. The poor thing was getting restless, and an empty room devoid of puzzles was just what he needed. Ah, well. Time to move on.’ Zutiria gives a wistful sigh and turns to walk alongside Meri, her white cape fluttering off and trailing behind her.

“Boss, come the fuck on! I did good! Didn’t I?!” Sam continues whining, her eye twitching from stress. The Princess’s face starts to turn red, her need for attention growing ever stronger.

“...Yes, Sam.” I sigh. “You did very nicely solving the puzzle that didn’t just happen. Now join the others and move along.”

Her Highness makes a frustrated grumble, and her cheeks puff out, showing her high level of dissatisfaction. I’m sorry, Sam. But the sooner we move out of this infuriating room, the better.

“I don’t know what I was expecting,” Snow says, blinking idly with a distant expression on her elegant face.

“The less we say about what just happened, the better,” I shake my head while telling her.

“Can we start watching again, nyaa?” Cherry whines in a bratty tone, setting a delightful-smelling cup of earl grey tea down on the desk in front of me.

“That depends. Is this office clean yet, nyaa?” Snow raises her nose at the pink-haired Catfolk girl, who slumps off, grumbling in response.

The trio of adventurer girls departs down another glamorous and golden hallway. This time, it stretches south and then splits into a westward path. Again, I notice how unlike reality this warped dungeon is. Most of the path thus far has been room, corridor, room, corridor. Almost brings to mind the dungeon design in those dwarven tabletop games Luxy is into...

Though perhaps the Pimpfort is being kept simple since it’s their first romp through a dungeon? The Goddess did say that there was a difficulty option when creating this place. It might’ve simplified the architecture into a gamelike fashion... the Pimpfort isn’t much of a fort, is what I’m saying.

We’re fortunate for that fact. I don’t know if the girls could have stormed an entire keep on their own...

At the end of the current ‘L’ shaped corridor lies a big set of pink doors with the female symbol painted atop them. Unlike the rest of the doors we’ve seen until now, these ones are large and intimidating. Almost the sort of gateway you’d see in an actual fortress, come to think of it. The manner in which they stand barricade the party’s progress is downright imposing.

‘I’m getting a bad vibe here, Sir.’ Zutiria is the first one to put my fears into words.

“Indeed. Didn’t Pimpington tell his henchwomen to guard the halfway point? I think this just might be the place...”

“I sure fuckin’ hope so...” The Princess shrugs. “It’d be great if we could finish this place up before sunrise...”

Meri’s brows curve upward, making an anxious look. “I somehow doubt it... it’s been hours, and we’re only at the halfway point...” The Shield Maiden yawns cutely at the end of her words.

‘Amateurs,’ Says the resident insomniac, a dull yet smug grin on her face.

I put on my best commanding tone, asking, “Does anyone need a short breather, or are we clear to proceed?” 

There’s not a word of protest from any member of the party. Snow and I watch diligently as Sam readily swings open the enormous pink doors, the three of them setting foot into... into... the most beautiful, perfect wonderland that I have ever laid eyes on...