Not All Pimps

“First off, ladies, Guild man, I feel I have to stress somethin’. Any weird-ass lookin’ statues n’ paintings n’ shit you saw on the way here? Complete blasphemy. Shit’s not canon, ya dig? If y’all could just forget ever seein’ that shit, then-”

“Afraid that’s not going to happen, Sir Chasteworthe. We’ve seen everything.” I call out to the disgraced knight and watch shock tear through his face until it’s overtaken by an annoyed, unsubtle rage.

“That right?” Surprisingly, Pimpington loses this rage quick enough. The evil man sighs as he rises from his throne, walking over to the balcony railing to lean over the edge. “Well, not much a pimp can do bout that, I s’pose... just a little embarrassing that y’all had to see me in such a state.”

‘What state, cucked?’ Zutiria fires off.

“Z-Zutiria!” Meri blushes. “S-Should we really start off by taunting the boss?!”

“OUCH, DAT BURN!” Addled Sam offers the silent Mage a high five, which Zutiria promptly returns.

“Daaaaaaamn, girl! For such a quiet ‘lil bitch you’re just burstin’ with sass now, aren’t ya? Cucked... hah.” Pimpington starts laughing and shaking his head left and right. He takes his rosey rapier and hangs it over his shoulder while doing so. “If y’all think that’s how my story went, then whatever. Shit ain’t exactly fuckin’ relevant to the whole ‘we need to fight each other’ situation, ya feel me?”

“That’s exactly what I kept saying,” I mutter under my breath. I can’t deny I’m interested, but...

“I got a question of my own, Mista Masta-”

“Do not call me that.”

“Henceforth, I do decree I shall be callin’ yo bitch-ass ‘Mista Masta’ exclusively from this point forwards, biatch.”

I groan, and suddenly I feel a number of kitten paws stroking my back to comfort me.

“Be real with a pimp fo’ just a second. Do y’all have something to do with... this?” Pimpington throws his arms out and looks around the room. “You got yo’ self an item that makes dungeons outta people hearts or some shit? Cause this timing is stupidly fuckin’ convenient for y’all.”

“Actually- OW!” Sam almost gives away our big secret, but Zutiria whaps her with her staff. As she should, the simpleton must be disciplined.

Pimpington laughs, twirling his oily mustache once again, “C’mon. I know how I may appear, but y’all... I ain’t that fuckin’ stupid.”

‘Who knows? Stranger things have happened.’ Zutiria shrugs her shoulders. ‘Besides, you looked pretty stupid to me while working yourself to the bone, trying to impress a girl who clearly wasn’t into you.’

“...Y’all, while I appreciate a sassy legal loli as much as the next pimp,” Pimpington stands upon the railing, clenches his pimp hat tightly to his head, and jumps down onto the path laid with golden bricks below.

He lands on his feet and twirls around in place like a professional dancer before looking down the room at the party once more. “We don’t need to do this stupid ass back and forth tauntin’ game with each other, ya dig? Y’all can insult me if ya want. Call me a lovesick dumbass, a try-hard, a narrow-sighted fool... I guarantee you y’all ain’t gonna be able to call me something I ain’t already called myself.”

“Uh... what the heck is a loli...?” Meri whispers to herself, focusing on the least important thing from his cryptic statement.

Almost on instinct, I answer, “It’s an Ikkunese term, meaning-”

‘I am not a loli,’ The little lady begins flaring with emotionless anger. ‘I have curves. I have breasts and a shapely butt. They are just small.’

“Dude, a lollipop would be dope as SHIT right now!” Sam starts drooling, much to everyone’s embarrassment.

“...Did somethin’ happen to that one?” Pimpington tilts his head and points a shining, ringed finger towards Sam’s direction. “Don’t think the bitch was, quite as ‘challenged’ as when she walked into the Pimpfort, ya feel me?”

“Any challenge can be overcome as long as we work together!! Isn’t that right, Daddy?” Sam makes a peace symbol with her fingers, and I facepalm myself.

“That’s right, Princess...” I answer her out of obligation as Peri and Cherry start chuckling behind me.

“...Right, kay then.” The enemy scratches his head in confusion before taking raising his sword arm and pointing it at the three adventurers standing across from him at the end of the boss chamber. “Y’all might not believe me, but this pimp ain’t happy it came to this. I don’t like havin’ to finish off a buncha brats, but it’s way, way too late fo’ me to just let y’all get away with this. Even putting aside y’all getting in the way of my brothel business... well, the Bossman ain’t gonna be happy with what you did here tonight. Our revenge ain’t gonna come cheap, and we need the gold.” Pimpington accentuates his words by pointing towards the Duke of Dewhurst’s large statue with his free hand.

“...Do you think we could maybe circle back on that revenge part in more detail, maybe-”

“Naw, man,” Pimpington smirks.

Of course.

“Does he have anyone stronger than you?”

“Who knows? Boss has lots of... ‘colorful’ associates.”

“You don’t say.” I raise an eyebrow in sarcasm, not that he can see it.

“What kind of colors?” Sam tilts her head, smiling.

Pimpington ignores her entirely. “Har fuckin’ har. All I’m gettin’ at is if by some miracle y’all actually beat me today, the other leaders of our group might have somethin’ to say about that.”

Noted, but I’m eager to move on. “How are we going to do this, Pimpington? Are you ready to fight?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Mista Masta. Were you actually waitin’ till this pimp was ready this time?” He tilts his head sarcastically, placing his hand on his cheek to feign mock surprise.

“...Yes, because the less guarded you are with your intel, the more it benefits us. Our first encounter was merely testing the waters.”

“HAH! Dumbass! If y’all played by the rules and didn’t get cheeky, this pimp would still be wearin’ gold armor right now, and y’all coulda exploited that!”

Something catches in my throat when I try to reply to his statement. Nothing comes out.

“...He has a point, nyaa.” Peri points out.

“Uh, it’s ok, Myaster. Everyone makes mistakes.” Cherry rubs my back once again.

Snow decides to take advantage of my silence, telling the Pimp, “You’re going to pay for stealing our girls, you bastard.”

“Oh shit, y’all got the femdom cat with you over there, Mista Masta? Nice! Given how you’re a pussy-ass bitch, bet she’d do wonders for you!”

‘I thought you wanted to skip the back and forth taunting phase of this boss battle.’ Zutiria reminds the pimp after having insulted me.

“Shit, that’s right... gotta admit, acting like the big bad guy of a dungeon is kinda fun, ya feel me? Got a little too into it for a bit there. But you’re right, we should really be getting-”

“Wait!” Snow calls out as she stands up from her chair. “I have to know... why? Why did you kidnap all of the girls?! Are you really so desperate to fill up your brothels that you’d force a bunch of Beastfolk into sex slavery?!”

Upon hearing Snow’s accusation, Pimpington’s eyes open wide, and his face turns pale. He stumbles backward as a bead of sweat trickles down his oily brow and begins shaking his head in disbelief. “Sex slavery?!” He exclaims. “I cannot believe you would imply such a thing!”

I look at Snow, who is completely floored by his unexpected reaction. Now that she’s gone quiet, I speak up in her place. “You kidnapped over a hundred women after dosing them with an illegal drug. What the fuck else could you have been planning to do with them?”

Taking his pimp hat off, he clutches it to his chest. “I was going to keep them well-fed and house them in comfortable waiting rooms. There, I would convince them to join my workforce entirely of their own volition! I’d give each girl a month or two, and if I couldn’t persuade them by the end of it, I would release them and even help them find their way back to the Breeding Tribe!”

Snow’s left eye twitches. “...You beat up our security guards, invaded the pet shop with a squad of armed hookers, and drove a giant, wheeled dick made of gold into our FUCKING TENT, NYAA!”

“This pimp was trying to pay y’all with that giant dick if ya remember! Here this mothafuckin’ pimp was prepared to sacrifice my favorite mode of transportation to fuel my entrepreneurial spirit, too! And fo’ the record, I only beat up yo’ stupid security guards because you refused to do business with me. I let one of them mothafuckas sniff me, and he said I smelled like an ‘evil rape man’! I know y’all Beastfolk adopt girls out to brothels sometimes, so why the fuck not mine?!”

“BECAUSE YOU FUCKING LOOK LIKE AN ‘EVIL RAPE MAN’, TOO! YOU FUCKING... FUCKING... RRRRGHHHH!!” Snow loses all of the chill her catnip granted her. In exasperation, the tracksuit-clad maid falls over and starts scratching at my desk so hard that her sharp claws shave large chunks of wood off the top.

I am powerless to stop her, and in my mind, I call out to Gwin to magically appear and fix up everything that has been broken since we’ve last seen her.

Gwin does not hear my prayer.

As Peri and Cherry begin tending to their frustrated senior, Pimpington takes a deep breath, shakes his head, then puts his pimp hat back on. “...Y’all need a better screening process. This coulda been avoided if ya just let a pimp in through the front door, ya feel me?”

Zutiria coughs softly, saying, ‘Not to say he has a point, but... the system was indeed flawed if you ask me.’

“Maybe just a bit...” I think back to my own screening and feel a mild annoyance at the thought.

“This is fucking stupid!” Sam declares as she slaps her knee, bending over in laughter.”

‘It really is,’ Zutiria looks to be on the verge of getting a migraine. ‘I have come to expect nothing less from my life with Sir. At this rate, the Duke of Dewhurst likely has some sort of comical motive for his villainy as well. Did you ever cut in line in front of a tall, faceless man before, Sir? Maybe trip on his dog while he was out for a walk?’

“I think I would remember meeting him before,” I sigh. I’m already completely exhausted, and the battle hasn’t even begun.

For whatever reason, Pimpington’s expression becomes even more upset. “...Can’t fuckin’ believe you’d just judge a pimp like that. Y’all really think just cause I’m dressed like a pimp that I’m some sort of... trashy, stereotypical rapey villain in some fuckin’ tasteless smut novel? This is real life, and ya can’t judge a pimp by his cover. I might’ve fallen from grace, sure. But, I’m still a gentleman, and I got my fuckin’ morals.”

I don’t know how to respond to that.

“...U-Um, if I may?” Meri raises her hand. 

Zutiria stares at the Shield Maiden in disbelief. ‘Meri, don’t raise your hand to ask for permission to ask the dungeon boss a question.’

“S-Sorry!” She blushes and lowers her hand.

“Naw, sweetie, you’re good. What can a pimp do for you?” Pimpington smiles a seemingly genuine smile and does a polite bow towards Meri.

“I thought you were an evil rape man, too... I-I was worried that when we faced you, you’d be all creepy a-and say weird stuff like what you were gonna do to us when we lose...”

“Yeah, I was expecting that too!” Sam vacantly tilts her head.

‘...I did find it odd that you haven’t made a single sexual comment towards us.’ Even Zutiria admits as she adjusts her glasses.

“...This pimp clearly has some self-reflection to do. I don’t want to give others the impression that I am anythin’ less than a proper-ass gentleman, ya dig?” Pimpington’s eyes look off in the distance as he so clearly tries imagining a way to present himself as a woman-respecting, non-rapist pimp.

“Hasn’t this farce gone on long enough?” I ask the villain, who I assumed we’d have already started fighting fifteen minutes ago.

“Please,” Snow groans, “Someone just fucking beat him up already and make him stop talking...” This conversation has clearly taken an even more significant toll on the Catfolk’s sanity than my own.

“Mista Masta, I was just starting to think the same thing,” Pimpington drops his concern and assumes a fencing stance, pointing his blade at the girls from afar. The gemstones on each of his rings begin to glow, bringing to mind the nine unknown powers he has up his sleeve. “Are y’all ready to have yourselves a proper boss battle?” His serious expression gives in to a cheeky grin for just a brief moment.

“Heck yeah! I was getting tired of just standing here listening to shit I don’t understand!” Sam wipes a little bit of drool off of her lip and stands at the ready with her massive great blade.

‘Let’s make this quick...’ The petite Mage yawns, holding onto her staff and bracing for combat.

Finally, everyone is about to get down to business. With their weapons drawn, they-

“W-WAIT!” Meri surprises everyone by taking a step forward and putting her foot down. Gods damn it.

Snow scratches the desk again, groaning in frustration while Peri and Cherry unsuccessfully try to pull her off of my furniture.

“Before we fight, um... are you sure y-you won’t tell us what happened to you in the past, Mr. P-Pimpington...? All those paintings, a-and the sculptures... um... made me invested in your story...”

“Meri-” I try to interrupt her, but Pimpington starts laughing and cuts me off.

“Sweetie, bless your heart, but a battle to the death is like... just about the single worst time you could ask someone about their tragic backstory, ya feel me?”

With red cheeks, Meri hangs her head and frowns, hiding behind her shield. “I-I guess that makes sense...”

“Sorry, but this pimp ain’t got anything mo’ to say bout that shit.” Pimpington sighs long and hard before brandishing his rapier and advancing. The sound of his footsteps hangs heavy in the air as they echo out from the golden bricks below his fancy, pointed shoes. 

He slices through the air blisteringly fast to demonstrate his power. Pimpington then closes his eyes and briefly holds the silver, shining blade before his face as if presenting it to all who look upon him.

When Pimpington reopens his seedy eyes, the air about him changes.

Filling with righteousness, his gaze becomes fierce and steeled. His stature swells with dignity, once more resembling the man we saw in so many paintings and statues throughout the Pimpfort. At least for the moment, this man is a proud, experienced warrior first and a pimp last.

Even though he’s my foe, I can’t stop myself from admiring the ostentatious power he so prominently wields.

Pimpington hunches his posture, making the tall, spindly man lower to the ground. His right foot advances forward, his left foot tilts to the side and slides back. The Pimp’s sword hand extends while he holds his left behind his back.

Sam, Zutiria, and Meri all stand at the ready, watching like hawks for his next move. 

After sharply inhaling through his nose, the sapphire ring on his right index finger begins glowing bright blue. “Let’s do this,” he says with determination. With those three simple words, the boss battle begins in earnest.

PunishedKom