Chapter 205

“Thank you.”

Feng Zhiwei’s hand softened and she almost tipped over onto the floor — this day really was full of surprises.

Gu Nanyi had never apologized to her before, and he was truly a person that had never expressed gratitude or said thanks, and now those words came out at such a strange time.

What was happening?

Young Master Gu relived those moments from Feng Zhiwei’s illness when he lay at the feet of her bed, imagining what he would say when she woke and looked down at him. “You’re awake?” Superfluous. “Sleep well?” Nonsense. “Are you okay?” The most foolish words in the entire world.

He had never spoken a single useless word his entire life, and if he had to speak he would only say what needed to be said.

On those nights as the minutes slowly slipped away, he had waited but she had not woken. He had waited for a long time, waiting in despair. Amidst all the fallen faces and heavy sighs, he began to slowly understand that strange heaviness pressing down on his heart, and he began to understand fear and anxiety. Quietly, the cold empty world that he had lived for so many years began to beat anew.

As he waited, missing the refreshing lightness in his heart when she smiled and peeled walnuts for him, missing the soft warmth when she taught him the flute and said he would find him, missing her giggle as she made him dress in woman’s clothing, that happiness, blessedness, and joy… were the words that he had so often heard as a child, all the brilliant, happy emotions.

The heaviness when he hated the idea of her death was fear, and the coldness in his heart when he thought her dying was grief… over these days, he finally understood.

Perhaps there was still some distance between understanding and truly feeling, and perhaps it was still too complicated for him to fully understand, but in his barren, pale life, a splash of rich color began to spread.

Everything was because of Feng Zhiwei.

He suddenly understood that the only thing he had to say was thank you.

Thanks for her existence, for her patience, for how she had cracked open his fortress and shown him the bright, colorful world outside.

He had not missed it when he knew nothing, but now that he knew, it was better.

Because if he understood, he would become more like Feng Zhiwei, more like all the people who had once called him different. Then, he would not be like he had been, not able to understand Feng Zhiwei’s trouble until she was almost dead.

So he had to say, thank you.

Gu Nanyi paused as he thought over his plan. He had waited so long to speak and finally had the chance, so naturally he could not let the moment slip.

After speaking, he felt as if a burden had been lifted, so he hugged his quilt and went back to sleep.

The poor person still shocked and restless glared down at him. Irritated and confused, she reached down to push him. “Ai, ai, don’t sleep. Get up and explain.”

Young Master Gu looked up, his eyes as clear and bright as a calm autumn lake. “What?”

He had already forgotten.

Feng Zhiwei looked at him helplessly: “You thanked me.”

“Oh.” Young Master Gu thought for a moment, bringing his hand to his heart. He slowly explained: “When you almost died, I felt pain here. Thank you for teaching me sadness.”

Thank you for teaching me sadness.

Feng Zhiwei looked down at the man calmly holding his chest, seriously thanking her for teaching him pain. She bit her lips as her eyes reddened once again.

The light of the moon shimmered like fog and half of Gu Nanyi’s body seemed to lie in the moonlight, calm and peaceful. Only Feng Zhiwei understood that his quiet peace was not warm and beautiful as so many assumed, but a result of a lifetime of indifference in a noisy world, his own a frozen world.

There exists a type of person who is sunk so deep in freezing water that life is simply blank, and the simplest joys and the sharpest pains are nothing but tasteless ash in a world separate from theirs.

Only those who had lived and grown alone in such a cold world could understand the true weight of Gu Nanyi’s almost absurd, desolate words.

Feng Zhiwei looked down at him and she could only feel pain — after being together for so long and finally knocking open his gate, the first thing she taught him was sadness and pain.

“No.” Feng Zhiwei finally said, moving to the edge of the bed and lowering her torso and face. She stared down at the unmoving, jade statue of a man and she murmured quietly as if swearing an oath. “I will not allow you to only understand sadness; no, not only this.”

“I want you to walk free of this cage and see a world farther than the feet around you. I want you to become a man who does not have to eat only eight pieces of meat, and I want you to be able to look at me, to cry and laugh and fuss and argue and love.”

…

The days of bedrest passed, and Feng Zhiwei could not allow herself to fully recover before throwing herself back into work. The war had begun and Ning Yi had reached the battlefield — she could not lay around doing nothing. Ning Yi had set up the foundations in South Sea, but many details still required her own hand.

That night, she also asked Gu Nanyi to send his famous physician after Ning Yi. Gu Nanyi ignored her, and after Feng Zhiwei relentlessly pestered him, he finally replied: “I cannot command him.”

This answer only gave Feng Zhiwei more questions. His words made it sound like they were both men of the same organization, their positions similar so Gu Nanyi had no authority over the doctor?

“Let me meet with him. Let me speak to him.” Feng Zhiwei suggested, figuring that if she met with him face to face many of her problems could be solved.

But Young Master Gu immediately refused, saying: “Once you are well, he will return to Dijing. He might be needed.”

Feng Zhiwei could only helplessly accede and set the matter aside. A bell needed to be untied by the person who had tied it, and the best antidote would be found by finding the poisoners. That group of assassins were likely in Minnan, and she could only hope that Ning Yi could find them on his own.

Everyday, she traveled back and forth from the new department to the local government mansion. She had to first settle the Grain Theft Incident from the day of the Ancestral Temple siege; while Ning Yi had sat by her sickbed, Zhou Xizhong could only hold in his anger. Now that Feng Zhiwei was recovered, he nagged her everyday for a proper explanation — not only had she forced open the granaries, but of the five Grain Guarding Officials, none was spared!