Chapter 78 - I Craved His Attention

Yasurouka's POV

"And you…" I narrowed my eyes at him and he was looking at me keenly.

"Even though you're trying your best to help me, what did I do? I yelled at you and stopped talking with you!" Looking at the calm look in his eye, all the memories from last came flowing into my mind.

Why is he being so kind to me? I don't deserve his kindness. Why can't he be the usual jerk to me? I don't like this.

"Why!? Because I can't accept the things you said at that moment. I'm nothing but a coward running away from reality." There was much frustration in my voice. I was so done with myself that everything has been a mess from the past week. Nothing is going my way.

"Why am I like this!?" I mumbled in a low voice.

"And I have the audacity to expect people to love me back!? Who would love a bitch like me!?" I sighed in disappointment because ranting about myself won't resolve anything.

But somehow, I was actually feeling good inside. It was such a subtle feeling that my frustration was overwhelming at that point, but I was indeed relieved inside. I don't know why.

"Would you shut up? It's not like no one loves you." I heard Sakamaki's voice and looked up at him. He was staring at me with a frown on his face. There was something about those gazes that made me nervous to look at him. I averted my eyes from him.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you." He said, extending his left arm towards me and slowly lifting my chin with his index finger. In the dark, his eyes were reflecting some of the light, and it gave his eyes a glowing effect.

"Yeah...?" I looked at him nervously.

"Listen… the person you loved may not have loved you back. But it's not like that'll keep happening." He said in a warm tone. I know what he was talking about, but he doesn't know how it feels. He doesn't understand me.

There was a brief silence between us and after some moments of staring, he said, "There are people who love you."

"I don't deserve a person like you in my life!" I said with my shaking lips. I was on the verge of crying if I spent another second with him. I don't know why he is like this. Talking with him was making me even more irritated with myself.

"I don't deserve lo…" I turned away from him and was about to walk off, but I felt his hand hold mine at that moment. I turned to look at him and he was already looking at me with an irked look on his face. He pulled me towards him in a hug. 

His left hand was gently holding my head against his chest. I could feel the warmth of his touch as he was holding my hand. Even though my mind was in a wild conflict, all I could do was stay still confided in his arms.

"Shut the fuck up." He rested his chin on my head and said in his usual tone. 

"I'll decide if I want to stay in your life or not." He said. Though I couldn't get a look at his face, I somehow knew the expression he was making. I probably annoyed him.

"It was my choice to stay by your side." I hate when he says those words. It makes me feel some way that I don't want to think about. And trying to not think about it makes me ponder about it even more.

"Don't blame yourself. Just calm down a bit." He said with an assuring tone. Even though it has been a few seconds, the hug felt like it was for eternity.

Though I didn't want to talk with him. Not because I hated him or anything. I don't want to get close to him and make him suffer the same I made those two suffer. Knowing him it might not affect him, but I'll feel guilty about that.

"Ple… please leave m… me..." Getting those words out of my mouth felt like a struggle.

"What are you going to do if I say no?" He removed his from my head and finally I took a better look at his face. He had this stiff smile on his face, but it felt like he was pissed off somehow.

"I… I'm sorry." I apologised, assuming he was irritated by the way I have been behaving from the past few weeks. Some part inside me wanted him to leave because I didn't want to face all that again, but another part wanted him to stay. I craved the attention he gave me.

"I'm really sorry for acting like that to you." I again apologise to him. It felt like my mouth and my mind were at two different paces at that moment. I was thinking something, but spouting something else.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I understand… but calm down and why the heck are you crying!?" He said, and to my surprise I was indeed crying. Tears were rolling down my cheeks without me even realizing.

"I… don't know why…" I couldn't think of anything to why I was crying. I understood nothing happening in that moment except that I was being overwhelmed by my emotions.

"Listen, Reina, you need to stop overthinking crap that happened in the past." He looked at me with narrowed eyes and said that in a dry tone.

"I… I try but…" He is saying that as if I don't stop myself from overthinking.

"I know telling an overthinker to stop overthinking is stupid, but think about it this way… that happened in the past, right?" He said and looked at me for affirmation to continue.

"Yeah?" I nodded, and he continued.

"Can you control it? Can you change it now?" He asked and looked at like I was some stupid girl. But I know what he said actually made sense.

"...no" I said with much hesitation.

"But I could've changed it back then…" I added, and he sighed in disappointment.

"Yeah, but that's in the past. Leave it. Don't ruin your present because of your past." I could feel the annoyance in his voice, but he was still trying to convince me subtly.

"Also, you deserve to be loved. Everyone does." He also said that, implying the thing I was about to say before he pulled me in for a hug. He was looking at me, but I was feeling embarrassed, so I averted my eyes away from him.

"Uh… can you…" Noticing that he was still holding my hand, my heart was beating faster than when he was hugging me.

"Huh?" He tilted his head in confusion.

"Can you… le...let go of my hand?" I specified myself, but my cheeks were feeling so hot. I'm glad it's dark and he can't see my face properly.

"Oh, my bad. Let's head back." He let go of my hand with a chuckle. "... and here." He said while giving me his hanky to dry my tears off. I took it from his hand without saying a word and we headed back to the class.