Chapter 89 - Was I Jealous Over Him

Yasurouka's POV

Lately, I have been really restless every time I think about Saishi. And after what he did that day, I can't shake his thought of my mind. Why is he like that!?

He tried to fucking kiss me!? What the heck? Our lips were so close. I don't know what would have happened if the bell didn't ring at that moment. Would he have gone for the kiss?

But I didn't do anything. I couldn't move myself away from him. Somehow, the way he was looking at me made me feel like I was sinking in the dark voids inside his eyes. That's why I closed my eyes and tried to look away from him.

He makes me feel really weird sometimes but again he is the only one who makes me feel comfortable lately. He has been by my side and has been listening to my crap, even though I know he hates talking unnecessarily with others.

He said that the girl he loved was in love with someone else and he can't make her fall for him. He was talking about me. It's difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that someone just indirectly confessed to me and even tried to kiss me.

I had stopped looking at myself as someone who can be loved. But he always said that there are people who love me. Maybe one of them was him.

He is really rude at times, but I have felt the touch of his kindness, too. When he hugged me, I felt really calm in that moment even though I knew what was going on inside me.

I wanted to get out of his arms, but some part inside me wanted his affection. I wanted to feel his touch on me. Gaisen never hugged me like that. I never felt this sort of connection with anyone. He never caressed my hair the way Saishi does. 

Saishi makes me feel so bizarre sometimes that it becomes hard for me to believe that he doesn't have any experience with girls. Considering his lack of socialising skills, the number of girls that secretly like him is unusual.

But he also made me feel really special to him, at least. He really cared for me, but I don't know what happened at the end that led him to make that choice. But that simply meant that I was just a choice for him.

But looking at Saishi doing the things Gaisen also used to do, I can't help but reminisce about the moments that I buried deep inside me, never to be cherished anymore.

I remember the time we shared an umbrella because he forgot his. I can't help but feel delighted when he shows affection. The way he holds my hands gently, his warm eyes and his awkward try at smiling.

Saishi was the first ever person who didn't turn back from calling me a weed, but the way he said that weeds also longs for survival made me happy somehow.

I was expecting something along the lines of "No you're a flower too, you aren't a weed." But what he said was indeed unexpected. That was the first time I saw his kind side. Even with this tough stone cold exterior, he is a nice guy after all.

But even after all this, I can't shake off the feeling that there is an indefinite distance between us that I may not ever overcome. He was close to me, but I was somehow far away from him.

What if Saishi also leaves me? I never know what he is thinking of. He indeed tried to kiss me, but what if he didn't really mean it?

Especially after the way he was talking with that junior girl, Chiaki. Why was he being so nice to her? Didn't he already reject her? What if I again end up becoming a second choice for Saishi too?

I don't want that to happen.

Saishi is quite the good-looking guy. He is more or less popular with girls, so if I had to think logically then he was under no obligation to love someone like me. He obviously has girls better than me after him.

But I don't understand his feelings. But they somehow feel familiar. Whenever the thought of him with someone else crosses my mind, I become a bit uneasy. 

I remember now, it's the same feeling that surged through me when I saw Gaisen with Koi. Every time they would smile together, every time they would walk together. Every time they would talk with each other, hold each other's hand.

What I was feeling was jealousy.

But why am I feeling jealous over Saishi? Does that mean I love him? Even Koi said that Saishi cares for me, but I'm having trouble believing it.

And on the last day when we're walking together, I couldn't help but notice the growing tension between us. Also, he wanted to say something but didn't. I have been getting curious about what it might be.

He is making me feel so messed up all of a sudden.

"Hey" As I was just thinking about him, I heard his voice and it startled me.

"Kyaaa!"

"Uh… Hi?" Looking at my shocked face, he gave me an awkward smile.

"Oh… it's you. What is it?" I looked at him and again I was feeling something strange in my gut.

"I wanted to talk about something." He said while looking into my eyes. His eyes are so dark that sometimes I feel like they aren't there. Or maybe it's because he was standing in the opposite direction of the light.

What does he want to talk about? His goddammit tone. I can't even tell what he is thinking. Somehow, I'm feeling really nervous about it. Maybe he wants to continue from where he left last day.

But what is it that he has to say? And why can't he tell me about that here only?

"Oi Reina? Are you coming?" He called me over again.

"Ye...yeah." I answered as I got up from my seat and walked towards him, standing near the doorway.