Chapter 104 - Void Of Their Affection

On my way to school, I was reminiscing about my exchange with Kizhashi the previous day. Though I've been slacking off a bit since it was already one month since I captured the last target.

I entered the class and noticed Kizhashi glance at me for an instant, but it was so subtle no one would've noticed it. Remembering our agreement of not walking with each other in school, I walked past her to my desk.

Putting my bag on the desk, I sat and yawned while stretching my arms in front of me. The class was filled with the usual chattering of students. The surrounding atmosphere was certainly more lively compared to what it was a week ago. 

I glanced outside the window and noticed that students were already starting with the preparations for the sports festival. Flags bearing our school's emblem were being put in different places. Also, some students were putting the rough structure around the tracks to separate the runners and the crowd.

I could see our PE teacher talking with a bunch of students who were holding some cones in their hands. They looked like they were from the football team, though they could be from the volleyball team, as they both have quite similar uniforms.

Sports festival was quite a unique day for us as it happened only once a year and all students looked really forward to it. For students who are athletic and good at sports, it was their day to shine. But even for students with average athleticism, it was a day they could put a show of their abilities.

As soon as the new academic year started, everyone waited eagerly for this day. It was also one of those days when no teacher would scold you for roaming all day and doing nothing. Some couples used to come on sports day only so that they could spend time with each other.

Altogether, it was quite a delightful day for us students. It was just the second day of the new month and students were excited about an event that was going to happen two weeks later. This year, the sports festival was on 16th September.

The preparation takes some time and also sports clubs would be busy honing their skills in the last few days for a better performance at the festival. As for the rewards, there were the normal medals and trophies for us contestants.

Last year, Tsumen's club lost their position because of someone's fault and ranked in 4th place. Though I can't remember their name, I remember Tsumen helping his fellow club mate from distress. He was a really considerate person when it comes to things he is passionate about. May it be his love or archery.

As for me, in my whole school life, I have never taken part in any events. I was a really meek kid back in elementary and middle school, so the thought of performing in front of so many eyes staring at me was a bit anxious.

Also, because back then I used to live with my parents and no matter what I did, they would never appreciate me. It was always my sister. Whatever she did earned her their respect and applause, but it did not satisfy them. No matter how hard I push myself, no matter how good I do, it doesn't matter whether I score 85% or 95%, they would appreciate me.

Pushing myself to limit day after day, years after years. Just to hear "I'm proud of you." from my parent's mouth for even once but they never did till this date. So at a point I stopped caring I capped myself at an average of 85%. This was a good threshold since it wasn't very low that people would make fun of my marks, but at the same time, it wasn't high enough for anyone to have expectations from me.

As for me, when I compared myself to my extraordinary sister, who was a second-year student at Tokyo University, I found out that I was indeed trash compared to her. I wasn't good at anything, neither academics nor athletics. There wasn't one thing I could proudly say that I excel at.

My sister was a person I hated when I was young, but as we grew up and realised the situation in our house, we grew closer. If there was anyone I really cared about in this world, it was my sister. The person I used to hate the most became someone I care the most for.

It was thanks to her that I could successfully move out and live on my own. I swear to god if I was under the same roof with that man and woman, I would've developed some sort of mental disability.

But it was thanks to them that I understood how the world really worked. When people you really hold your dearest do things that contradict their image that you have in your mind, it feels bad. Especially if the person in question is a kid and the people he held his dearest were his parents.

I never got affection from my parents, but they really helped me to change my perception about humans. I wasn't an emotionless jerk to begin with, but they did something that slowly changed to how I'm today. Because for a kid, the most important person in their lives are their parents and feeling the void of affection from them is terrible.

Yearning for their affection but getting nothing except a cold stare and bitter tone of insatiable words felt terrible. But I don't care anymore about that since, after separating from them, I was living quite a peaceful life. They may not provide me with affection, but they surely transfer money to my account at the start of every month, thanks to my sister.

My only aim is to work hard so that I won't ever have to return to that home I despise so much. I won't live with them under the same roof ever again. Just reminiscing about them makes me feel strange. A feeling of something churning inside my stomach. I don't hold grudges against them though, as I'm thankful to them for making the way I'm right now.

I read somewhere that everyone can be a parent, not everyone can be a good parent. And I somehow feel that the person who wrote that line faced a situation similar to me. Maybe being void of the most important affection in my life made me hate love so much.