Chapter 158 - Dealing With One's Thorns

Naoto's POV

I was laying still in the dead of night with nothing but the sound of me rustling on my bed sheet as I was having trouble finding a comfortable position to sleep, but my mind was being way too restless that night.

The bitter words thrown at me by my underclassman were still stinging me as if he was present with me at the moment and were hurling those words at me. His distant look, and eyes filled with despise, were still bugging me.

It's been quite some time since I cried like that. Over the past few years, no one has ever said such horrible things to. Even though part of what he said was true, he obviously didn't have any idea what he was talking about.

I was trying to fall asleep, but I couldn't since my mind was a mess of thoughts. That day, Yuna and others saw me crying too, and they got a bit concerned. I was mostly worried about Vivian, since he looked quite pissed off.

I just hoped that he wouldn't do anything rash considering how short-tempered he was. He has always been like this. Even when I first started dating him, he was always the loud, obnoxious guy, but at heart; he was a significant person.

Over the course of years, he didn't change at all. It was me who changed. I was well aware of my predicament, but I didn't have the energy to care for it anymore. Maybe the reason Vivian broke up our relationship was this.

At the end of the day, I didn't tell any of my friends about my fake leg injury. Of course, that would make them look down upon me, and I don't want that. But my heart feels restless every time they ask how I am doing, as it feels like I'm cheating them.

Sakamaki was correct when he called me a terrible person who does things only out of her self interest. I don't understand what's wrong with me, but I really want to change this side of me. I'm not satisfied with what I've become.

The only thing I loved all the way was Kendo and I've even started cheating in that too. The whole reason behind faking my injury breaks down to a level which doesn't even suffice my actions. 

What the hell was I even doing?

Why am I like this?

I remember when I was little, my father always used to tell me that I'm a woman of the Tsubakihara family and I must live up to their name. And because of that, there was always a burden of maintaining my image in front of others.

There were many moments in my life where I felt like a complete loser for not being able to achieve something, or not being able to stand on the expectations of others. As being the "Woman of Tsubakihara Family", my parents held huge expectations from me. 

They were never satisfied with anything, as they always told me to aim even higher, achieve even more. I started practicing kendo at a really young age, because my father always wanted me to. Despite starting it out of the pressure, I slowly took a liking to it as well.

And being good at it, I always stood out as I moved forward in the world of Kendo. Not specifically in kendo, it was the same for academics as well. I was always in the top three of my class. I couldn't help but feel like a loser if I wasn't able to achieve those targets.

But everything just changed for the worse this year. I suddenly started feeling so exhausted. I started feeling tired of everything. My relationship with Vivian started to feel like an extra burden on myself. I desperately started to find ways to break it off. Kendo seemed like a pain too so I searched for different ways to get rid of that too. As for studies, my marks were declining too.

I started pushing people off my life, even the ones who truly cared for me. In the end I was left alone, with no one left by my side. Just like how Vivian cut himself off from me, Ryuhan and Yuna would soon stop associating with me too.

After all, who would want to be friends with a pathetic person like me?

I wanted to change myself this time. I know people say that we shouldn't change ourselves for anyone but I sometimes feel like it's a lame excuse used by people to cover their toxic behaviour.

I was aware of my toxic traits and I couldn't afford for people to keep leaving me and be mad at them because I can't expect them to be associated with a toxic person like me. Not only was I bringing myself down, I'm bringing everyone around me down too.

It's not like my friends never told me to change myself. They also tried to convey this to me in a more indirect way though, since Yina and Ryuhan both knew me from middle school so they had sentiments regarding me.

But this underclassman, named Sakamaki, there was something different about him. Out of the blue, he came in and gave me a lecture about my behaviour and somehow his words affected me a lot too. He was so blunt and rude, but I think his approach was good since I'm slowly realising it and I also hate the fact a stranger like him exposed me like that.

I know changing myself will be a long process, but I'll try to become a better person. A person whom a stranger can't talk shit to like before. Slowly but steadily, I'll start by apologizing to my friends.

I don't care if they look down on me or not, I couldn't be bothered about living with a latent guilt that grew every time I lied more and more to cover my previous ones.

Also I need to have a good conversation with that junior. I'll show him what Naoto is made of and will make him regret saying that bullshit to me.. Though thanks to him, I was able to get my mind on the right track again.