85 What Do I Do?

SLIGHT TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Regan curled back into a ball and rocked back and forth on the couch, fighting the urge to bite her fingernails.

"What do I do then? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!" She screamed, her hands raising up to her head and scratching wildly again, "I know what I did wrong, but what am I going to do to fix it?"

Regan let out a laugh again, 'know what I did wrong? What do I know? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M LIKE THIS and yet I'm trying to fix myself. Maybe that's what's pathetic about me. Maybe that's what he meant when he said those words… the fact that I'm so lost that I can't even figure out if I have an issue or not.' Regan wiped her tears with her hands, a futile effort since the tears continued to roll down her cheeks. 'But then why didn't he try to help me? Why did he only push me down further? Am I not ruined enough? How much more of a mess do I need to become to be helped?'

Regan glanced at the bottle of water on her bed and trudged from the couch to the chair and back.

She flopped down on her couch and leaned her back against the comfy back of the couch, her eyes fixed on the pool of blood that had formed on the table.

'Doesn't care about what I did in the past? What a lie. I look at myself in the mirror every day and feel like throwing up. My rugged overgrown dark amber hair, sunken eyes, and thin, tall, lanky figure with a deranged mindset to match. How in the world does that look like the me that smiled in front of tv cameras?' Regan scoffed, 'I'm just- so sick of waking up again. Why am I… why was I even seen as someone to look up to. The best game developer? Haha, the reporters are probably taking a field day right now after finding out about my death. The world isn't stopping for me so why would I have to live?'

Regan's eyes stayed locked on the pool of blood. 'Who would mind if I had a few slashes on my wrist? Who would care if I look like this the entire time? I know very well that they were all after my money anyway so it's the best thing for them if I'm like this. HAHAHA… why am I even worried about this now?' Regan smiled, sliding off the couch and sitting down in front of the table, 'I know I'm a nutjob and I also know I'm pathetic. If only someone told me why I was like this.'

She slammed her fist into the fork, breaking it into two and piercing herself with the broken pieces. A wave of pain washed over her, fueling her anger further to the point where her emotions overwhelmed the pain.

"One of the best programmers in the world? The greatest gaming company?" Regan chuckled, "I don't deserve those titles. I don't even deserve to feel the need to be saved. When others called out to me… I looked down at them and silenced their voices for life. It's about time I felt that pain myself."

Regan laid her head down on the table, her eyes still fixed on the pool of blood.

She picked up the bottle of water and slowly uncapped it, then swirling the bottle slowly for a second, she lowered its tip and poured water into the pool of blood, slowly increasing its size.

'Imagine the soft waves washing against my feet, the cool redness of the waters calling to me,' Regan pondered, continuing to pour water into the blood, 'imagine walking deeper into the calm waters, the soft breeze flowing against my face and through my hair. The feeling of lightness in my mind and the coldness of the water numbing my feet.'

The pool got bigger as water enlarged its shape and started to seep closer to Regan's face.

'The silence in the air that held no threat to me… just me, and the water,' Regan's tears slowed to a stop, and her expression started to relax. The weight of the water bottle in her hand dropped significantly as she had emptied most of its contents. 'Imagine the water hugging my waist, its cold touch frigid but calming. My fingers running against the surface of the water feeling the coolness drift through the spaces in between my fingers.'

The water bottle was down to its last drops and the pool of water and blood had started to drip off the edge of the table.

'And finally, the water wrapping around my entire body and pulling me closer…' Regan let out a cool breath, a wave of relief running down her spine when the cold mix of water and blood on the table touched her face. 'Slowly sinking under, the water covering half of my face, leaving only my nose above water.'

The mix of blood and water was now touching her face completely and running down the soft slopes in her tired but beautiful features, dripping off the edge of the table and seeping into her clothes.

Regan closed her eyes as the water seeped into her hair and brushed against her long eyelashes, its cold long fingers numbing her cheeks. Slowly the troubles drifted away as the feeling of being free washed over her.

'The water tugging me under and opening my eyes to take one last look at the setting sun as it laid to rest with me,' Regan sighed. 'Yea… that's how I want to go. Silenced by my own will in a place where no one could reach, beneath waves of my own.'

It was wrong but it felt right. The feeling of having nothing holding you back and being surrounded by a vessel that dragged you below where no one could interrupt, the feeling of lightness plus the peace of mind that came with it and the calm whispers of promises that death fed her felt so right. So right that she didn't want to resist. She wanted to go with the promises, hold hands with her demise, and dance in the illusions she would call happiness, all the way down to hell.