Chapter 199 - Joy and Pain

Jos laughed for what felt like the first time in days as she watched Arei clean off wolf vomit from the sleeve of his black leather jacket. "I'm not sure what you expected booking dinner reservations in a place with 'dinner in the sky' in their name. You saw how sick she got on the plane!" Jos shook her head as she held Shelly's heaving body against hers.

"Well, I had thought it would be beautiful and romantic to be able to have a nice dinner as we watched the sunset over the city..." He said as he moved his attention to his button-up.

Jos snorted as she laughed louder. "And it was...until Shelly got sick..."

He let out an amused growl as he tossed the napkins in the trash can and walked toward the two huddled up on the park bench. He shook his finger at Jos playfully. "Laugh all you want, but it's you who is stuck spending the rest of the night smelling me."

Jos's laughter died off. "The rest of the night?"

He nodded his head as he held his hand out to her."Of course! Did you honestly think I was going to stop with only having dinner?!" He pulled Jos up and waited for Shelly to join them before leading them toward a brightly lit, heavily crowded street. "We are going to explore the night market." He announced turning and holding an arm out toward the large crowd and many markets with a wide smile spreading across his handsome face.

Shelly looked around in surprise, feeling a tight constriction in her chest. The place looked remarkably similar to the market in India Rin had taken her to when Russ and Ry had visited. She forced herself to move forward and stay close to Jos and Arei. The bright lights of the streets blurred as she struggled to fight back tears. The soft sounds of a violin hit her ears only making the pain in her heart, ache more. She watched as Arei spun Jos away from him first, then back toward him before swaying along with the music with her wrapped tightly in his arms, her back pressed snuggly against his chest. More tears blurred her vision as she thought of Rin doing the same thing to her... maybe even stroking her pregnant belly as they swayed back to chest.

The song ended and Arei tossed some coins into the man's violin case before heading back over to her, Jos following close behind. He smiled down at her as he extended a hand. "Would you like the next dance?" He asked sweetly.

When Shelly shook her head, trying to hide the pain being there was causing, he scooped her into his arms and began to twirl. Once he was in a spot he liked he began the footwork for the waltz. "Come on cheer up. It's a beautiful night; and I promise, I don't hold the puke against you." He winked down at her a wide smile still plastered to his face.

Shelly lowered her head in embarrassment. Pregnancy definitely had its downside. Would Rin have been so easygoing had she thrown up on him... No doubt about it the answer was yes... He would have probably found some magical way to get rid of the morning sickness for her by now. Her thoughts had been so trained on Rin; she hadn't even noticed the song had ended.

Arei let out a sigh as he set her back on the ground. He rested his hands on his h.i.p.s. "I guess I should be getting you girls back to the room soon. Is there anywhere else you'd like to see first?" He asked.

Jos studied Shelly for several seconds before finally turning her attention to Arei. "You know... It's been a long day and I didn't get much sleep last night... I doubt tonight will be any better with the stress of tomorrow's hearings. We should probably go ahead and head back now, what do you say?"

He nodded. "You're probably right. I should probably call Ry and go over plans for tomorrow with him so he can prepare Russ for the hearing." He looked down at Shelly. "How about I carry you back? You still look a little green around the gills." He lifted her, cradling her in one arm as he took Jos's hand with the other and started toward the Embassy.

***

"She's asleep," Jos whispered as she pulled the sheet over the resting wolf's body.

Arei leaned against the doorframe. "Do you want to come into the living room and relax with me for a little while?" He asked. "Or we can watch a movie in here... or my room."

She turned away from the bed and studied him. He looked completely different than his sharp-dressed business, thug look from earlier. His damp hair brushed his shoulders leaving wet spots on the thin cotton shirt he wore. A pair of green pajama pants hung low on his h.i.p.s revealing a tiny glimpse of the tattooed skin below. "I... I... don't know..." Jos forced the words out past the tightness of her throat.

He pushed away from the door frame and stalked slowly toward her. Reaching out, he brushed one wet braid from her shoulder before lifting the other for his inspection. "These are cute." He said not taking his focus off the braid, he added. "You know you're safe with me. I'll never push you into things you don't want to do." He released her braid, dropping it over her shoulder to join the other. "All I ask for is your company." He shook his head as he ran a hand over her bare arm. The tank top and pajama shorts she wore combined with the double braids made her look like a teenager ready for a sleepover. He slid his hands down to take both of hers. "Come into the living room and we can finish our dance from earlier."

"But we did finish it." Jos struggled with her own reckless desires. "I should probably lay down with Shelly and try to get some sleep myself... for tomorrow."

Arei gently tugged her closer. "But you said yourself, you've been too nervous to sleep. If you don't want to watch television, then join me for one glass of wine and one dance."

Jos glanced back to the bed where Shelly slept. She shook her head as she brought her troubled gaze back to his turbulent eyes."This is a bad idea; you at least acknowledge that much right?"

He chuckled as he led her out of the room and down the hall. "Exactly how is it such a bad idea, Kitten?"

She frowned as he led her by the hand to the coffee table. She watched as he retrieved the remote from the table and turned it to an all-music channel. Soft piano music began to fill the room as he turned toward her and pulled her against him. "It's a bad idea because I know what you're trying to do."

"And what is it that I'm trying to do, Kitten?" He asked wrapping one arm tighter around her waist and bringing their other entwined hand to rest against his chest.

She could hear the smile in his voice as his hot breath tickled her shoulder. "Do I really have to say the words? Do you think it's not obvious?" His chuckle rumbled against her head resting on his chest sending a shiver down her body. "I'm not even sure why you're trying so hard at this point. The papers are signed, Russ and I will be ordered apart for good tomorrow, and I'll most likely be imprisoned with you as my guard for the next couple hundred years at least. You win... I'm pretty much yours." She could feel the irritated, frustrated tears build at the back of her eyes.

Arei stopped their movements and released his hold on her back. He lifted her face up to meet his. "Jos, I haven't won anything. I don't want you to feel forced to be with me. I want you to want to be with me. As I said, if you're dead set on getting all your memories back and repeating actions or jesters trigger them, then I at least want to make sure you're getting some of the more pleasant ones back as well." His frown deepened. "What else is it you think I'm doing here?"

Jos let out a sigh as she pulled away from him and walked over and sat down on the sofa. She watched as he set down on the edge of the table across from her allowing them to face each other. She studied him for a few minutes before she replied. "I think you are hoping by staging all these romantic encounters and triggering similar memories that it will prevent or outweigh negative ones... that by doing so, I'll fall back into love with you and be just as crazy for you as I was back then... But I hate to tell you..." She shook her head and held her eyes closed as she forced herself to finish her statement. "Arei, even if I get only the good memories back... no matter what goes on with these trials, I'll never be the same person... I'll never feel the same. Regardless of the cause of it, I lost something I can never get back to you those years ago. Even if I go back to you now, what has been lost will never return... it can't..."

He cupped his hands over hers, focusing his attention on their hands. He nodded his head. "I know that already. I understand that you are no longer that same sweet, naïve girl. I understand that you will not be able to love me as freely and blindly as you did back then." He lifted his gaze to hers. "I know I alone no longer hold your entire heart, that I will always have to share it from here on out." He brought his hands to either side of her face as he held her gaze steady. "I know the pain I caused you will always be trapped in both your mind and heart, and whether you consciously want to or not a part of both will always hold resentment toward me for that pain." He studied her eyes as he gave his words time to sink in. "Honestly, I'm fine with that. I'll never be able to forgive myself for those events or the more recent ones either. Let me assure you, trying to do something that would cause you more pain is not part of my current plan."

Tears fell freely from Jos's eyes. She shook her head against his grip. "This can't be real, right? Men aren't really like this... they don't think the way you are trying to convince me you feel..."

His brows pushed together as he shook his own head."No, Kitten, this is how most real men feel. Not all men are vile trashlike the humans you- encountered or act out in temper tantrums like the wolf pup. I would never treat you like that. I never want you to feel like you owe anything or to think I expect anything from you you're not willing to freely give. If it never becomes more than what we have now, then so be it. But know, I'll still be by your side in whatever capacity you allow."

Jos leaned forward wrapping her arms around his neck and burying her face against the dip of his collar. "I want to believe you so badly... I want to trust you right now... but... I'm so afraid to..."

He pulled her away from him far enough that their eyes could meet. "Look at me, Kitten. You have all the time in the world for that. There is no rush on it. I know I've lost your trust, and I can't blame you. All I ask is that you don't make any rash decisions one way or the other until you are fully ready. Don't go running back to the pup because you're too afraid to open your heart to me again, and don't force yourself to feel and do things with me because you feel like you have no other choice." He pressed her back against his chest. "I will continue as I have in public where our actions could be reported back to the council, but if my affections are too much for you, I'll pull back in the privacy of this room."

Jos wrapped her arms around his thick torso as she pressed closer to him. "I want to stay as we are. I don't want to rush forward; I don't want to leap backward... I just want to be..."

He nodded as he placed a kiss on the top of her head."That is perfectly fine with me, Kitten. I am enjoying getting to know the person you've grown into, and the idea of letting whatever happens between us happen more naturally sounds amazing. I wish it could be done without the painful memories you're sure to recall sooner or later... but either way... I look forward to more of this." He tightened his arms around her to emphasize his point.

They stayed like that for a long time, before Jos finally broke the silence by asking. "Arei... exactly what is it you don't want me remembering?"

He let out a long sigh. "There were so many things that happened at the palace, some painful because of how much love and joy was there, some painful because of the betrayals, some painful because of poor choices or bad timing." He cupped her cheek. "I hurt you a few times by refusing to sleep with you. You have to know; I was only thinking of you and what was best. I'd hoped to be able to work you up to it or find some way where it wouldn't have been such a traumatic event."

Jos's cheeks reddened as his words not only caused lost memories to rush forward but ones that she well remembered to flood her mind as well. The image of the many metal piercings running up his hard length and the bar that ran through the head of his c.o.c.k would forever be engraved in her brain along with the blinding pain of the first time she'd tried to force him inside her body. She turned her gaze away as she released her hands from his body. She pushed to her feet and walked over to the tiny kitchen and retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge.

Arei followed her, watching as she took several long drinks from the bottle before pressing it against her chest. A smile curved one corner of his lips. He knew well what she had been thinking of. He walked up behind her and pulled her tightly against his body. "I can guess what memories invoked this reaction, and just as before it is one of the reasons I hold back as I do. They are still there and even with your... practice... it would still be a task to become reacclimated. I'm not trying to force it on you, just like I never did before. I can only hope now that you are older and more experienced, you understand I held back then for your own wellbeing."

Jos could only nod as her attention became astutely focused on the topic of conversation pressed against her lower back. He was mostly soft, holding true to his words that he was not trying to force their relationship forward as Russ had. She placed the bottle on the counter before turning in Arei's arms. "I... I believe what you are saying." She placed a hand against his chest. "I am older now; I am more experienced with relationsh.i.p.s and life in general... don't worry about my reaction to things now that happened back then. I just want the memories back." Her eyes held his. "I feel like a huge part of me is missing... a part that I hadn't even realized was missing until you came back into my life..." She shrugged, "I don't know if they will affect the way I feel or not... I just know they are important to me and I want them back."

Arei nodded. "That's understandable and I'm here to help in any way you need." He was about to place a kiss on her lips when he thought better of it and kissed her forehead instead. "Go get some sleep, Love. I'll see you in the morning."