Seventy-seventh Encounter

Two men walk into the boss room of a dungeon infamous for involving lots of sex.

“Would you be willing to answer a few questions?” (man 1)

“We heard that you are the representative for the dark god, and would like to understand them and their teachings better.” (man 2)

“... you aren’t here for sex?” (me)

“Uh, no. We’re here for information.” (man 1)

“We’ve been studying the history of the church, and unfortunately, we’ve found very little information on the dark god, despite our efforts.” (man 2)

I was kinda expecting to be having more sex after returning than I’ve been getting. Sam’s busy taking care of Peony right now, and my visitors aren’t even horny!

“Alright, fine, ask away.”  (me)

“First, is the dark god trying to destroy humanity?” (man 1)

“No.” (me)

“How do you know?” (man 2)

“I don’t. It just seems like her actions make no sense if she were trying to eliminate humanity.” (me)

“Hmmm… You believe the dark god is female?” (man 1)

“I do.” (me)

“How do you know?” (man 1)

“Hey! That’s my line! How do you know?” (man 2)

“I’m just guessing from the sound of their voice when I heard them once.” (me)

“So they could just be an effeminate male then.” (man 2)

“Which would you prefer? The dark god being female, or a very feminine male?” (man 1)

… wtf? What kind of question is that? I just kinda sat dumbfounded for a bit.

“Okay, we can get back to that later. What’s your favorite color?” (man 1)

“Blue.” (me)

“Odd, you have no blue on you. Just green, purple, and pink.” (man 2)

“There’s nothing strange about that. Most people’s favorite color is related to something they like, not themselves. Now, next question: do you prefer to fuck or get fucked?” (man 1)

“I like doing both at once. Though, if I had to pick just one, I think I prefer getting fucked.” (me)

“What the fuck is with that phrasing?! Sex isn’t just fucking and being fucked!” (man 2)

“It’s a passive or active thing. Giving or receiving.” (man 1)

“There’s more ways to have sex than that! It’s not always just giving or receiving. I’ve had plenty of lovemaking with my wife that wasn’t just one party pleasing the other. We please each other! It’s mutual!” (man 2)

“That was kinda what I meant when I said both at once.” (me)

“‘Kinda’ meaning not exactly.” (man 2)

“Well… I do rather like orgies.” (me)

“Hmmm… fitting, very fitting… Do yo prefer men or women?” (man 1)

“I don’t know. Different traits are appealing in different ways and for different reasons. There are lots of different things I like, and I can’t really rate them as higher or lower than each other.” (me)

“You have shown preferences before though.” (Sam)

Sam suddenly hugged me from behind.

“Eh? When did you get here?” (me)

“Did you seriously not notice me approach? You have eyes looking in all directions!” (Sam)

“It… it’s hard to actually pay attention to everything at the same time, even if I can see it.” (me)

“So I guess the key to hiding from you is to distract you then, huh?” (Sam)

“Uh, yeah, I guess so.” (me)

The man who’d been asking me questions seemed to take more notes as Sam and I talked. I’m not sure how I feel about having weaknesses recorded like this.

“How many things can you pay attention to at once?” (man 1)

“Eh, like three?” (me)

“That’s it?” (man 2)

“Is that low?” (me)

“Well… it’s…” (man 2)

“Ordinary. It’s entirely ordinary. The best fighters get up to around 10.” (man 1)

“You’d probably be bad at big orgies then. I suppose you’ve never actually been very active in any big ones.” (Sam)

“Have you had to deal with more than three partners at a time, Sam?” (me)

“No, it’s not practical for a human, but you’ve got enough tentacles and tendrils to do it in theory.” (Sam)

“Do you hate humanity?” (man 1)

“No.” (me)

“Do you love humanity?” (man 1)

“No.” (me)

“Hey, why doesn’t the survey mention elves or dwarves?” (man 2)

“How should I know? I didn’t write it!” (man 1)

“Well, I don’t hate or love them either. People are people.” (me)

“That phrase is weird. Might not be translating right.” (man 1)

“There’s nothing wrong with it.” (man 2)

“It uses the word ‘people’ in a way I’ve never heard it used.” (man 1)

“It’s not incorrect though. She’s just using it in a really broad sense.” (man 2)

“Yeah, but who does that?!” (man 1)

“She does, obviously.” (man 2)

“I’ll have to make some extra notes to ensure it’s not misunderstood outside of context.” (man 1)

“Sam, do you know what they’re confused about?” (me)

“Not really, no… oh, but I think I can guess. Some people have a very limited idea of what counts as a person.” (Sam)

“Yeah, like all the fucking nobles.” (man 1)

“She’s not nobility.” (man 2)

“She is though! Even if she’s just a figurehead, she’s the official queen of this territory, and the representative of the dark god! It wouldn’t surprise me if she had standing in the demon army too! She’s probably as high ranked as anyone could ever imagine getting!” (man 1)

“Oh. Should I be calling you your majesty?” (man 2)

“No, please don’t. I have no interest in all these titles. I just want casual fun encounters, none of this political nonsense. Please don’t put me in charge of anything.” (me)

“Alright, I think I’ve got enough information for now. I need to go back and consult with some friends on a few things.” (man 1)

“Can you send us back to the entrance?” (man 2)

“Sure.” (me)

And the two vanished.

“Peony is sleeping now.” (Sam)

“I kinda feel like sleeping now, after that annoying conversation. Most of the questions didn’t even make any sense. Why would it matter what my favorite color is?” (me)

“If you want to sleep, then sleep.” (Sam)

“Hmmm… I want you inside me too.” (me)

“Uh…” (Sam)

“You have things you’d like to do?” (me)

“Yeah, gonna go visit town later.” (Sam)

“Alright. I guess I should just let you go without exhausting you first then.” (me)

“Thanks. I can stay a while ‘till you fall asleep.” (Sam)

“Mmmm.” (me)

I curled up in bed and lay with my head in Sam’s lap. Comfy. Sleep did not take long.