Chapter 30

Chapter 30 – Confusion and Selfishness (1)

From that day on, Acacia often kissed me first. Otherwise, he stroked my hair with a gentle hand or did something similar.

Of course, he didn’t touch me more than a kiss.

I was a little sad about that.

Although s*x with Acacia wasn’t violent, I liked it because he had a big c*ck. The big ones are the best. The lack of technique was compensated by the size. Plus, the first time I had s*x with him, I came. It was pretty satisfying.

Of course, he was a little clumsy, but I also liked the way he was trying to be considerate of me. It felt fresh.

As I stared into his face, Acacia gazed me in the eye. With a gentle hand, he ran my hair down to my ear as he looked at me with worried eyes before whispering in my ear.

“You will be able to meet Rewan tonight.”

Acacia seemed to pay attention to whether or not I was offended by the remarks.

Would I think that I would meet Rewan in exchange for sleeping with him…?

It was the details I didn’t even pay attention to. Then, I nodded slowly, ignoring him, who was still standing in front of me when he had finished talking. He turned his head away, feeling a little uncomfortable.

Since that day, my relationship with Acacia had not changed. He still treated me as a king, and he sympathized with me… Or love. No, such feelings could not be found in Acacia.

Above all, it seemed that he was not conscious of the fact that he held me that day. He stared at my back for a while and then walked out of the room. I glanced out the window to see Acacia’s back disappearing on horseback.

Three days have passed since the day I had an affair with the 22nd Knights.

Acacia told me to rest here in peace. Seeing him moving away from his mansion, I lied comfortably on the bed.

Again, this was forced abstinence.

I felt hopeless. I used to have s*x almost every day. Why did I have such a long abstinence period…? Well, if you do it every day, you might die from s*x.

Still, compared to when I was imprisoned, watched, and abstained in the Imperial Palace, now was better. This place, which Acacia had firmly covered, was not easily visited by people. Enough to call the handmaiden only when I need it?

It was his consideration for Arne, who would have a hard time seeing strangers. I wasn’t at all though.

Thanks to that, I spent more time alone. Unlike in the Imperial Palace, it was sometimes possible to masturbate. I’d never done it before, though.

Let’s try it once it comes to mind. I haven’t had s*x in a long time, but…

I got out of bed and leaned against the door. Because of the times, the soundproofing was not good. I opened the door slightly and checked the hallway to make sure no one was there. I then closed the door so that no sound could leak out and locked it with the lock.

I walked over to the bed and covered myself with a blanket.

For some reason, I felt similar to when I watched porn without other people’s knowledge when I was young. The thrill of doing it secretly? Feeling immoral that you are doing something wrong…? Such things.

I touched my chest with a soft hand, drawing a circle over the soft clothes. Little by little, more force and the n*pples stand upright.

Hot breath came out of my body that started to feel hot.

“Haa…”

As I became sensitive and felt the moisture dripping from underneath, I hurriedly took off my underwear. I shut my mouth tightly to prevent the moan from leaking and pulled and pinched the nipple, which was standing very sensitively.

I could feel the liquid pouring down and crossed my legs. Soon, I slipped one finger down, stimulating the already sensitive enough bottom that was expecting pleasure.

“…Huht!”

Stabbing the cl*toris and increasing the number of fingers. I didn’t move a few times, but the number of fingers squeezed inside made me reach a sense of climax. I really liked Arne’s sensitive body.

I closed my eyes, gasping for breath, and concentrated on the action. I remembered the Knights gangbang route that ended unfortunately… The many touches and greedy gazes that groped me. I remembered Alec’s hard and ecstatic p*nis, and the s*x with Raphael.

Thinking about this and that, I moved my fingers faster and increased the speed.

The bottom was already filled with love liquid, and it made a muddy sound as it moved. Three fingers were put in, but I burned with the unsatisfactory thickness. I moved my back and tried to satisfy the lack but to no avail.

“Uhh… Uht, hu…”

I got used to the big p*nises of the men here, and pleasuring myself was not enough.

No, why do I have to be alone in the first place…? What are you doing with the unusually sized penis without fucking it? This was sad.

Even if I f*ck all the men in the Imperial Palace, I didn’t think there would be enough time until I die.

“….”

I reached the climax by quickly attacking the parts that felt it most. With the afterglow of the climax, I ruffled my hair with my other hand in the deep reality that came at the same time.

…I’m crazy

There were men out there, but I had to do it alone. It was funny, I didn’t like it either. Still, thinking about the future, it was a profitable business.

Just finish the original story. Then, I’m going to fuck all the men here in the Imperial Palace.

* * *

Originally, Acacia would have refused to bring Rewan, but I instinctively felt it. This was my last chance to meet Rewan.

I had to meet him, even ignoring things like the character’s personality and probability. In addition, there are scenes in the original story where the probability was sometimes cut off, and s*x happened, so I thought that this would be okay.

Moreover, I had something to say to Rewan. When I look at Acacia, I think of Rewan, I think of him, and all of that. I acknowledge my feelings for Rewan. It was a feeling similar to love.

However, I didn’t like being hung up on things that could be instantaneous and changeable, with no guarantee of ‘eternity.’ Things that change in the end while promising eternity, such as love or friendship — variable things that may not change, though change eventually.

It was uncomfortable.

Things like being number one for someone, longing for someone, and yearning for someone… love or such feelings.

It was unpleasant.

Having to fit myself into the ideal frame that someone wants. I was chasing momentary pleasures and seeking only the pleasures right in front of me, but, unfortunately, I didn’t quite like change. Love could always change.

The pleasure in front of me was fleeting, but its essence did not change. Love was one of the things I didn’t need in my life.

When I met Rewan today, I was going to tell him to get out of here.

Dr*gs, multiple people… I love such a happy life. The one I loved could not provide the pleasure I wanted. Besides, I didn’t want to hang on to a love that would end someday.

In Korea, doing nothing and only having sex would have been impossible, but not here. It was difficult to go back after coming this far. I thought it had to be like that because I thought love was an unnecessary emotion.

Spending the night with anyone, f*cking with anyone. I liked the pleasure that accompanies the sudden heat. I’m used to using and throwing people away. In fact, even telling Rewan to leave might be selfish because I didn’t want to see the death of someone I cared about.

Still, I didn’t want him to die, at least not in front of me.

* * *

Late in the evening, Acacia came into my room.

I woke up in a dreamy state and faced the guest brought by Acacia. It felt like a dream. Rewan, who looked a lot more haggard than expected, was standing there. My heart was pounding as I ran anxiously.

I shook my head.

This wasn’t it. This…this was not right. My hands were trembling. An anxious, pounding heart pointed to a clear emotion.

“…Why.”

I bit my mouth, trying to say something. I couldn’t think of anything to say at all. I watched him weeping silently. Was it this bad in the original story…?

The sound of Acacia leaving the room without a word was heard. I had to say something, so I barely spit out some words.

“…Why are you so hurt?”

“…I—”

Rewan was crying. He stopped sobbing and tried to speak over and over again, but instead of talking, he raised his head, swallowed the tears, and continued. It was hard to see. My heart was pounding anxiously. If I was going to feel this way…

I’d rather not see it. My heart was troubled. It was painful.

“…was… worr…ied.”

He was more messed up than expected, so I embraced him with trembling hands. Ironically, I thought I wanted to comfort him. At the same time, it reminded me of the me who thought love was funny just a while ago.

I was silent for a while.

I was the one who thought he shouldn’t die in front of me, at least. I’d never been loved or loved, so I didn’t really know what this feeling was like. I thought it was easy…

It made me feel like I was about to die just looking at him being depressed.

I didn’t know that love could give you this kind of feeling. I just thought it was a happy and good feeling. My heart dropped to the floor at Rewan’s bruised face. Seeing him who couldn’t even cry properly makes me feel… Feel weird. He was sick while I was having fun and cared for nothing.

A deep sense of guilt that had been set aside rose. I didn’t like this self-critical melancholy feeling. I desperately recited excuses to myself. My head said that it was going to happen.

I shook my head.

It wasn’t my fault… It was destined to be like this, anyway.

I put him on the bed, only weeping to comfort him while feeling like I had to do something. I stroked his broad back, then grabbed his hand and rubbed it gently.

I gazed at Rewan’s face, which was soaked in pain.

“…I’m okay.”

Rewan’s tears stopped. His irregular breathing changed to regular. It was as if he had never heard the words. He looked very shocked, yet he smiled briefly and stared at me.

“…You’re not okay.”

It was the first time he spoke so casually.

Not even in Arne’s memory. Even after getting to know Rewan and being betrothed to him, he never spoke so casually. I couldn’t hide my surprise. Even at the moment he died in the original story, Rewan never spoke casually with Arne.

It was the first time.

“…Don’t.”

…What don’t?

He got up from the bed after saying something incomprehensible. My eyes followed him. Rewan grabbed my shoulder and pushed me onto the bed with great force before climbing over my body and placing a hand around my neck.

“…I’d rather have this.”

He let out a low sigh.

The next moment, he grabbed my neck and put strength in his hands. I opened my eyes wide at Rewan’s unexpected behavior and looked up at him.