3 The Full-naked Princess

As we drove along the gravel road, the sun slowly set behind the mountains in the west. Only a sliver of twilight could still be seen poking out from the rugged mountaintops. The truck flipped on her high beams. She was humming some childish tune and it annoyed me beyond words, so I tried to think about something else. Assuming that the sun sets to the west in this world as it does in the real world, then I could estimate that we were moving eastward. Perhaps northeast. But since I had no idea what this world looked like on a map or what was waiting for us up ahead, thinking about directions was almost pointless. Still, I had to do something to get my mind off her incessant humming.

As we turned around a bend in the road, I saw a large stone building up ahead. It had lights in the windows and several horses were tied up to nearby trees.

"Hey, Briggo," I said. "What's that?"

"Oh yes, that's an Inn called The Horny Goat. It's popular with travelers in this part of the Lawless Lands."

"I see. Should we stop to get supplies? Maybe spend the night?"

"Well, we do need to get off the roads ─ it's not safe here at night. But we shouldn't stop here," Briggo said sternly. "This place is swarming with bandits and mercenaries. You don't want to bring a rare horseless carriage like this anywhere near that place."

"Eek," Truck-chan said. "What should we do, Sir Briggo? I don't want those bad men to hurt me."

"Don't worry, Truck-chan! Just keep driving for another few miles and we'll find a place to spend the night. A private place, away from danger."

As we drove past the Inn we saw several rough-looking men standing outside and smoking cigars. They gazed at the truck with great curiosity, but they averted their eyes as soon as they spotted Briggo's massive frame poking out from atop the roof. With his bulging muscles and gigantic sword, Briggo was not the type of man that a bandit would take lightly.

We drove on for another hour before Briggo told us to move off the road. Truck-chan drove up on the grass and Briggo instructed her to go slowly and carefully over the bumpy, crunchy surface until we came upon a thick patch of trees. These trees were barely visible from the road, so Briggo told us to drive around the trees and nestle the truck between them. Once this was done, the truck would be completely hidden from view to anyone traveling along the road itself. As we came to a stop amid the trees, Briggo told Truck-chan to turn off her lights.

"I'm sorry Truck-chan, I didn't mean to make you drive over all those bumps and pine-cones, but these are dangerous roads for a rare treasure like you. I could take out two dozen bandits on my own if it came down to it, so common bandits don't worry me. But if we cross paths with other Kink users, even I could be bested in battle. Not by a single Kink user, certainly not, but if there are multiple together in a group then all bets are off."

"Oh, don't worry Sir Briggo, this detour was kind of fun. So… do you really think I'm a treasure? Tee-hee!"

"Absolutely," Briggo said as he jumped down from the roof and landed in the grass below. "A lesser carriage than you would fetch a fortune on the black market, and I've never even heard of a sentient carriage that drives itself. You are priceless, my dear Truck-chan."

"Oh stop it Sir Briggo, you're making me blush!"

I sighed and opened the driver's side door. "I have to pee," I said.

"To pee?" Briggo asked.

"Uhm, yes, relieve myself. Urinate."

"Oh, you must mean to drain the snake! Well, why didn't you say so. I also need to drain my snake, so let us drain our snakes together."

"Huh?"

Before I could even react Briggo grabbed me by the arm and pulled me along the grass until we reached the nearest bush. Briggo unlatched the armor plate over his groin and moved it aside. I looked away just in time, and then I heard a heavy stream splashing on the ground below.

"What's the matter?" Briggo asked. "You're not draining your snake."

"Uhm, well, it's kind of awkward for me to urinate right next to someone else."

"What?! Nonsense. Here in Twigoslavia the draining of the snake is the perfect opportunity for men to bond and speak truthfully and sincerely. Let your words fall as freely as the fluid from your snake, is how the old saying goes."

I shook my head. "Where I come from, urinating is a private matter. This land, what did you call it?

"Twigoslavia," Briggo said, his stream steady. "That is what this land was called once, before the civil war."

"I see," I said, trying to avoid eye contact.

"Yes, this was all one great country once, and I was one of its leaders. It was the three of us back then, Animak, Nuxanor, and I, Lor D. Briggo. But after the Great Incident occurred, Animak and Nuxanor went to war, and our once powerful nation was split into smaller warring factions. Animak became the leader of Animakistan, Nuxanor founded his own country called Nuxturia, and as their best friend and comrade I simply couldn't choose a side. So I retired to the Lawless Lands and became a pirate."

I was only half-listening to Briggo's story since I was trying my best to focus. I closed my eyes and sang a song in my head, hoping to actually relieve myself before my bladder exploded. The stream finally began, a slow trickle at first, and then a light but steady drizzle.

Briggo chuckled. "That's a shy snake you've got there, Birito. Your snake needs more confidence. Believe in your snake, Birito. Believe!"

I wanted to shoot myself. What kind of sick society believes in social pissing?! This has to be the worst isekai world in history…

But I spoke too soon. Suddenly we heard footsteps behind us. They sounded human. It must be a bandit, I thought. They're about to cut our throats while we're pissing and Briggo will never even see it coming since he's too busy giving a motivational speech to our snakes. I jumped and turned midstream.

"Whoa, what is it?!" the strange woman said.

I screamed. "Who... who are you… what are you… agh…" I stumbled and fell into the bushes. Pee ran down my legs and into my shoes.

"You're acting strange, Birito-kun! I was bored over there and I wanted to hear what you guys were talking about. You sounded so excited."

Briggo finally turned. "Oh… my…"

The woman who stood before us and spoke to us so casually was completely naked. She had flowing white hair that fell down her shoulders and sparkled in the moonlight. She was a young woman possibly in her early 20s, and she had glowing white skin, a full curvy figure, and extremely large breasts. In fact, her breasts were so large and yet so firm that it looked almost unreal ─ she was like a character from an eroge (not that I would know anything about eroge, but I was often forced to deliver them to sweaty otaku as part of my work for Spamazon).

Come to think of it, there was something strange about this beautiful girl with long white hair and truly incredible breasts. Aside from being naked and yet having no shame about it whatsoever, she was also wearing a hat on the top of her head. I had to look twice to confirm it but yes, it was a hat ─ a black cap with orange letters ─ and even though it was dark I could swear that the letters said Spamazon.

"Young lady, have you lost your mind?" Briggo said, trying to sound serious, but his face betrayed a silly childish grin. He was attempting to look away but he kept sneaking a peak every 2-3 seconds.

"Sir Briggo, I think your nose is bleeding," the naked girl said.

"What?! Well yes, of course it is."

The girl was right. Briggo had a massive nosebleed and worse yet, so did I. Blood flowed from my nose like a faucet, and my body froze. What happened to me?! Did I fall on my face without realizing it? Did I break my nose? But Briggo didn't fall and his nose was bleeding too. Did we both catch some deadly isekai disease? Are we both about to bleed to death from our noses?!

As all these thoughts raced through my mind, the girl laughed. "Birito-kun, why are you sitting in the bushes? And Sir Briggo, what's that in your hand?"

"What? Oh... OOOH," Briggo mumbled as he realized that in the confusion he still hadn't put away his snake. He scrambled to cage the beast.

"Wait… wait a second," I said. "That hat! It's a Spamazon hat, just like the one I left in the glove compartment. Don't tell me, are you…"

"TRUCK-CHAN!" Briggo exclaimed, pointing at the girl. "It's you, you're Truck-chan!"

The girl looked confused. "Well of course it's me. What are you talking about, Sir Briggo?"

"But… but… you're human!"

The girl seemed confused again. She glanced down to look at herself, and then she screamed. "Aaaaagh, what is this?! What is happening?!"

"I don't know," Briggo said. "It's impossible!"

Truck-chan grabbed her large breasts and started shaking them around aggressively. "What are these things?!" she asked anxiously. "What are these things, Birito?! They're blocking my view of the road!"

She ran over to the bushes where I was sitting, still shaking the breasts with her arms. "Help me Birito-kun! HELP ME!"

"Calm down," I said, trying not to look at her directly. Every time I looked the nosebleeds got worse, and at this rate I was going to bleed out in a matter of minutes. "This is a magical world, right? It must be some crazy magic thing. It's probably completely normal in this world."

"No," Briggo said solemnly. "I've never seen anything like this before."

Great, I thought as Truck-chan released another high-peached scream. She moved closer to me and I could now feel her breasts grazing my shoulder as she continued to grope herself nervously.

"Unless…" Briggo continued, "unless this is the Legend of the Equine Princess come to life."

"The what?"

"Wait, hold on," Briggo replied. "I'll tell you after, but first we need to get some clothes on her. At this rate we will both bleed to death through our noses."

"Yeah, right. What's that all about?"

Briggo shook his head. "You really are clueless, my young friend. Every man's nose bleeds at the sight of a beautiful voluptuous woman. It is a sign of manhood!" He rushed over to where we had initially parked the truck, and then he returned with something large that seemed to be wrapped up in long black fabric.

"I left my sword on the roof of the Truck," Briggo said. "I always wrap it up overnight to protect it from rust." He unwrapped the fabric from the sword and then handed the fabric itself to Truck-chan. As he walked up to us and held out his hand, Briggo was careful not to look at her directly.

"Thank you," Truck-chan said and proceeded to wrap herself with the fabric. Due to the massive size of Briggo's sword the fabric he used to wrap the weapon was about the size of a cloak for a normal person, and Truck-chan was able to use it to cover herself. Although the outrageous size of her breasts meant that her cleavage could still be seen bulging out from beneath the cloak.

"Am I going to be okay, Sir Briggo?" Truck-chan asked, her voice cracking.

"Yes, my dear Truck-chan, yes everything is fine," Briggo said as he wiped the blood from his nose. "In this world there is a famous fairy tale called the Legend of the Equine Princess. In the story, there is a beautiful princess with flowing white hair who becomes a horse during the day and turns back into a princess at night. The story must have been a prophesy, and you are the princess!"

"But she's not a horse," I said as I forced myself to my feet. The bushes reeked of urine, and so did my shoes. "She's a truck."

"Meh, it's close enough."

"What do you mean?"

"Well they're both methods of transportation, aren't they? And if you have a better explanation, I'd love to hear it."

I shrugged. If Briggo couldn't explain this phenomenon after spending his entire life in this world, what hope did I have?

Suddenly, we heard a loud grumbling noise. I jumped, thinking it was some hungry animal approaching us.

"Eww what was that sound?" Truck-chan asked.

"Hmm," Briggo said. He rubbed his chin and listened. The rumbling continued.

Briggo moved slowly, tracking the sound, but eventually he ended up right next to Truck-chan. He bent over and placed his ear close to her chest. "Well Truck-chan my dear, the sound appears to be coming from you. More precisely, it is coming from your stomach. I think you are hungry… very hungry."

"From me?" Truck-chan squealed. "Eww that's yucky! What is hungry anyway?"

I sighed. Was this really happening? Am I really going to have to explain every basic fact of human life to a sentient truck who just transformed into a human girl?

"It's like when I used to fill you up with fuel," I said. "But for humans, food is our fuel. And when we're hungry, our body tells us that we need more fuel."

Truck-chan thought about it, then she nodded. "Oh, I see. Okay, please fill me up then," she said and bent over, her backside pointing right at me.

I turned away and grabbed my nose, trying to prevent the inevitable bleeding. "No," I said, still holding my nose. "Humans eat food, like meat, fruit, and vegetables. I can't fill you up, you have to eat it yourself."

"Well that's not entirely true," Briggo interjected. He had a big smirk on his face. "You could fill her up, just not with food."

I shook my head. "I don't think that's helpful, Briggo."

"Ah yes, you're right," he said, still smirking. "My apologies, Birito."

"Okay so where can I find this food?" Truck-chan asked. She was standing upright again.

Briggo cleared his throat. "Well, Birito, am I correct to assume that you're not much of a hunter?"

"That is correct."

"All right then. Why don't you and Truck-chan gather firewood for the fire while I hunt down some dinner. This area is full of highly nutritious animals, so it won't take long."

I nodded and began gathering branches and loose chunks of wood while Briggo commenced the slow process of taking off his armor. Truck-chan joined me. I scooped up branches with both hands and she gathered firewood in one hand while holding her robe with the other. We pooled everything that we collected into one big pile, and then I took some rocks and arranged them in a circle in order to create a firepit. At least that's what I assumed a firepit was ─ my knowledge of outdoor fires up to that point came almost exclusively from movies.

Less than half an hour after departing Briggo returned carrying two large animals, one over each shoulder. As he dropped the animal carcasses next to the firepit, I realized that these creatures resembled wild boars, except they had spikes growing out of their backs like porcupines. Weirder still, their skin actually looked blue in the pale moonlight. Briggo made alterations to the firepit, and then he started up the fire using some flint and a piece of his own armor.

Before long, Briggo used his sword to remove the spikes from the backs of the animals, and then he used a long piece of sharpened wood to skewer the first carcass and roast it over the fire. I don't know what this strange animal was, but the meat smelled incredible, especially since I hadn't actually eaten anything since I arrived in this cursed world.

As soon as the meat was ready, Briggo took the first carcass off and replaced it with the second. He then used his sword to cut the meat into portions for each of us. However, we quickly learned that Truck-chan wasn't just hungry… she was extremely hungry. She devoured her own portion so quickly that we decided to give her our share as well. She didn't stop eating until the entire spiky boar was gone and only the bones remained. Then she burped, yawned, and drifted off to sleep with her head resting on my shoulder. Stunned, Briggo and I waited for the second boar to roast and then we split about half of it between us. I ate most of one leg while Briggo consumed the larger share. We packed up the rest, hoping to save it for later.

"I can't believe one girl was able to eat so much," Briggo said. Truck-chan was now sound asleep on my shoulder.

I nodded.

"I'm sure that the type of fuel you used in your world doesn't exist here, so perhaps she must consume enough food as a human in order to keep the truck running throughout the day."

"I… I have no idea," I said. All of this was just too much for me, and I finally gave up trying to wrap my head around it.

"We should get some sleep," Briggo said as the fire continued to crackle and as Truck-chan snored gently on my shoulder. He gathered a bunch of leaves and spread them out for me and Truck-chan, forming a makeshift mattress beneath one of the trees.

"Wait, you want me to sleep right next to her?!" I exclaimed. "She's practically naked!"

Briggo rolled his eyes. "Yes, it will be awfully hard for you, sleeping next to a beautiful naked woman with some of the greatest assets in all of Twigoslavia. I weep for you, my friend. Now go to sleep. At dawn we begin the drive towards the border."

Briggo then proceeded to put on his entire golden armor yet again before sitting down with his back against a tree and drifting off to sleep. Truck-chan was also fast asleep, so I lowered her gently into the mattress made of leaves and then I laid down next to her.

It was a hard night (in more ways than one).