Book 2: Chapter 28

“So what are the rewards for winning the competition?” Tafel asked as she took the seat across from Alice. Vur sat beside her while Stella alighted onto the table. “You said something about armor and weapons?”

Alice frowned as she accepted the menu from the waitress. “I know I said there were armors and weapons, but you have to realize they’re given out by a dwarf.”

“And so?” Tafel asked. The waitress smiled at her as she placed four cups of water on the table. “Doesn’t that mean they’re good? Someone was bragging about dwarven weapons before like they were prestigious.”

“Accepting a dwarf’s gifts is like accepting a favor,” Alice said. “You have to pay them back somehow. For Dupey’s competition, he’ll expect you to work under him.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask,” Tafel said. “Is Dupey the name of a dwarf?”

“That’s right,” Alice said. She gestured for the waitress to come over and ordered a dish for the whole party. “The most recent dwarf king, E, is a very lazy fellow. He hates saying long words because they drain his energy. So he did the most reasonable thing and declared dwarven names have to be two syllables or less. He even has a general whom he refers to by clicking his tongue once.”

“His name is E?” Vur asked.

“He doesn’t want to subject his people to rules that don’t apply to him. And E tends to be the last syllable of most dwarven names now: Plumby, Dupey, Noody, Louis.” Alice shook her head. “Most people call him His Gloriousness, and a lot of dwarves have adopted extremely long titles for individuality. Dewey goes by Professor Doctor Mister Headmaster Surgeon Dewey the Second Junior.”

“And I thought fairies were strange,” Vur said.

“Just because dwarves are stranger doesn’t make fairies any less strange,” Alice said, staring at Stella who was doing handstands on the table. The fairy queen giggled when she lost her balance and fell over.

“That’s true,” Tafel said and glanced around the room. “Everything’s so strange here.”

“You’re actually the most unique person here,” Alice said, “but what exactly about this place is strange to you?”

“There’s a table of humans and elves sitting together over there.” Tafel pointed at a giggling human-elf couple. “Fairies are treated like customers.” She pointed at the miniature table and chairs designed for fairies that hung from the ceiling by ropes. “I’m not even sure what kind of creature is working at the counter.” She gestured towards the massive green humanoid creature with two heads. It was counting change with one hand while delivering orders to the chefs with the other.

“That’s an ettin,” Alice said.

“Do they taste sweet?” Vur asked.

“Why is sweet the first term that comes to your head when you see something like that?” Tafel asked with a frown. “And you really shouldn’t eat sentient people. It’s not nice.”

“Ettins taste like pork,” the waitress said as she nodded at Vur while placing a plate down in front of him. “We actually have some in stock today. Would you like to try some?”

“Is, Isn’t that wrong?” Tafel asked, glancing at the ettin. She was sure the waitress spoke loud enough for it to hear.

“Oh, no,” the waitress said and shook her head. She smiled at Tafel. “Ettins are cannibals. Mr. Twofer over there won’t take offense if you order some. In fact, he’ll probably be happy if you tip well.”

Tafel furrowed her brow and scratched her head. “That’s…”

“We’ll order some,” Vur said with a nod. “Actually, just bring us one of everything on the menu.”

“One of everything?” the waitress asked, her mouth falling open. She glanced at Alice and pursed her lips. “By any chance… are you the berserk librarian?”

Alice heaved a sigh.

“You are!” the waitress said. “Wait right here! I’ll have the chef bring out your orders as soon as possible.” She skipped away, humming something about a big customer.

“You two haven’t even turned in any commissions yet,” Alice said. “You have money?”

“We have some from the hardworking slavers,” Vur said, nodding at Tafel. Tafel reached into her bag and pulled out a pouch. She opened it, revealing a bunch of copper coins.

“…That’s not going to cover the meal,” Alice said. “Do you know how expensive this place is? A dish costs a whole gold coin. A gold coin is worth 10,000 copper coins. You have like two hundred coins in there.”

“Alice’s treat!” Stella said, tossing her hands into the air. She picked a green birdlike object off of Vur’s plate and bit into it.

“Thanks, Alice,” Tafel said and reached over the table to pat the guild master’s shoulder.

Vur nodded. He picked up a crispy bone and bit into it. “This is good. Try some.” He offered it to Tafel who took a tentative bite.

“I’m being bullied,” Alice said and pursed her lips. “This wasn’t part of the deal. You’re hiring me as a guide, why am I paying for all of your expenses? And wait, how were you two going to pay me if you don’t even have any money?”

“I was going to take some from the guild to give you,” Vur said with a nod.

Alice’s expression darkened. “…That’s theft.”

Vur shook his head. “Everything belongs to dragons. Non-dragons just don’t know it.” He paused and furrowed his brow. “Except anything bad. All good things belong to dragons.”

Alice stared at Tafel. “This is the man you married.”

“You already used that line,” Tafel said. “It undermines the impact if you use it again.” She clapped her hands before Alice could respond. “Anyways, let’s talk about something more exciting than Vur’s lack of morals. Like the bimonthly competition. We’re joining, yeah? Yeah. Great.” She lowered her head and dug into the plate that the waitress had brought over.

“No, that isn’t—”

Stella placed a slice of pie into Alice’s mouth before she could say anything else. “Sshhh. Mealtimes are for eating, not talking.”

Alice swallowed her piece of pie and sighed. If someone told her a month ago that she’d be bullied despite the fact she was a top-tier adventurer, she would’ve laughed in their face.

“Are you enjoying your meal?” the waitress asked as she came over and deposited more plates onto their table. “Is everything to your liking, berserk librarian?”

Alice winced. “Can’t you at least call me Lion of the East? I really don’t like that librarian nickname.”

“Eh? But I think berserk librarian suits you very much,” the waitress said. She shrank back as Alice glared at her. “B-but if you insist, I’ll call you Lion of the East.”

Vur swallowed his food and let out a miniature burp. “I understand where E is coming from. Some names really are too long to say comfortably.” He nodded at Alice. “You should change your name to Al.”

“Please, no.”