Book 2: Chapter 95

“You’re sure this is going to work?” Alice asked while pursing her lips and staring across a bridge at a towering fortress wall. “No, why am I even asking that? What I meant to ask was, why am I doing this?” She turned her head and glared at the grinning skeleton standing beside her. Behind them, trees casted shadows on a massive army of skeletons, all of them standing silently behind the two.

“Because you love”—Alice punched Mr. Skelly’s head off—“me.” But he finished his sentence anyway since his voice didn’t come from his mouth. A new skull sprouted out of thin air while his old one disappeared. He chuckled before patting Alice’s shoulder. “Don’t worry; it’ll be easy. Just follow the script and everything will all go according to plan.”

“You know,” Alice said with a frown, “all plans go awry the moment they start. What do I do if they go off script?”

“Improv!” Mr. Skelly said and raised both his hands in the air. “Let’s begin.” The other skeletons standing behind the duo raised their swords and shields into the air and cheered. A few fairies flew into the air and casted illusion spells, turning the armored army of skeletons into a group of well-dressed human nobles wearing fancy silk clothes.

Alice sucked in her breath when she saw Mr. Skelly’s new appearance. She pursed her lips before shaking her head. He’s a skeleton.

“What’s wrong?” Mr. Skelly asked, raising an eyebrow. He stroked his jaw before smiling, causing Alice to turn her head away. “Don’t forget, you’re the star of the show. Ready?” Before Alice could reply, Mr. Skelly raised one hand. “Forward march!”

The group left the cover of the trees. Moments later, a fire was lighted on the fortress walls and smoke rose into the air. The heads of dozens of dwarves popped up from over the wall, gawking at the small army approaching them. Mr. Skelly acted as if he hadn’t seen the cannons rolling into place, marching along at a steady pace.

“Halt!” a dwarf shouted from atop the fortress. A cone was placed by his mouth that amplified his voice. “Who goes there? Take one step further and we’ll blow you to bits!”

“Men!” Mr. Skelly shouted, pulling an object from out behind his back.

“Leader!” the army shouted back. Dozens of white bamboo poles rose into the air.

“Ahoy!” Mr. Skelly shouted, waving his arm. “The war is over! Our leaders have made peace! We’ve brought meat and ale!” According to Alice, white bamboo was the universal sign of surrender since the continent didn’t use flags. Mr. Skelly took a step forward, and the ground ahead of him promptly exploded as a bullet entered it.

“I said halt!” the dwarf with the cone shouted back. “I haven’t heard anything about the war ending.”

Mr. Skelly tilted his head. “What do you mean? When was the last time you had contact with your headquarters?” he asked. “The war ended yesterday just before midnight.”

“So what?” the dwarf asked. “The war ends, and you come here with an army saying you have food and drink? Do you think I’m stupid?”

Mr. Skelly frowned before patting Alice’s back. “Your turn.”

Alice glared at the handsome appearance Mr. Skelly took on before taking a step forward towards the bridge. She raised a white bamboo pole into the air. “My name is Alice Lowenherz. You might know me as the Lion of the East.”

“The berserk librarian?” the dwarf asked.

“Why is it that title!?” Alice shouted, throwing the bamboo pole against the ground. She closed her eyes and exhaled before picking up the pole and raising it back into the air. “Yes. The berserk librarian. May I know who’s in charge of this fortress?”

“The leader is me, Mr. Vice-General Sir Captain Poppy,” the dwarf with the cone said. “But you can call me Mr. Vice-General Sir Captain Poppy the Bull Eater and Deer Hunter’s firstborn son for short.”

Alice’s expression darkened. “Can I just call you Poppy?”

“You may call me what I told you to call me!” Poppy said. “Men, ready the cannons!”

“Alright, Vice-General Sir Captain Poppy,” Alice said. “I’ve come—”

“You forgot to say mister and the bit about my lineage,” Poppy said. He turned his head to the side and asked the dwarves who were loading the cannons, “Aren’t they ready yet!?”

“What are you doing, Alice?” Mr. Skelly whispered. “I didn’t realize your improv skills were this bad. They’re going to shoot at us at this rate.”

“Goddammit, don’t criticize me when I’m doing you a favor!” Alice said and stomped her foot. She glared at the dwarf on the fortress wall. “Mr. Vice-General Sir Captain Poppy the Bull Eater and Deer Hunter’s firstborn son! As an SSS-ranked adventurer and a guild master, my words should hold some weight, no? Even the king and queen listen to my words.”

“What are you getting at, berserk librarian?” Poppy asked with a frown. “I don’t give two snots about your king and queen. They have to listen to my words as well.”

“I swear on my title of berserk librarian that the war is truly over,” Alice said. “We do mean to make amends for our wrongful actions, which is why we’re extending our hands and gifting you meat and drink. If I’m lying, I will never refer to myself as the berserk librarian again!”

“I think we can trust her,” one of the dwarves standing by Poppy said. “She’s someone with integrity. I know you’re a secret admirer of hers and you just wanted to hear her say your name, Vice-General Sir Captain.”

“How do you know that?” Poppy asked and drew his head back. He blinked and furrowed his brow. “You didn’t rummage through my stuff, did you?”

“Of course not, Vice-General Captain Sir,” the dwarf said while saluting. “A week ago, HQ did tell us not to worry. Perhaps we really did make peace last night. With the berserk librarian coming here personally to give us gifts while bearing white bamboo poles, it’s safe to assume they aren’t here to take over the city. Look, none of them have weapons either. They aren’t dressed for war.”

Poppy squinted at the group in the distance before grunting. “I suppose you’re right. Do you think the berserk librarian will give me an autograph if I ask for one?”

“I’m sure she will, Vice-General Sir Captain,” the dwarf said.

“Open the gates!” Poppy shouted. “We’ve made peace with the humans and they’ve come bearing gifts!”

The dwarf beside Poppy grinned, showing his teeth like a skeleton.