Book 3: Chapter 80

Stella frowned and furrowed her brow. She was hovering over a red boulder with an arrow stuck inside of it. “You alright, Sheryl?”

“Do I look alright?” Sheryl asked and whimpered. “There’s an arrow in my butt!”

Stella tilted her head. “Rocks have butts?”

“She’s an elemental, not a rock,” Vur said from his place on the table. The chains were still tying him down. While the elementals were attacking the army outside, Mervin was working on setting Vur free with the drill he used to poke holes in people who wished for larger mana channels. Unfortunately, it didn’t seem to be working.

“I can’t do it,” Mervin said and shook his head. The drill in his hands disappeared with a poof as he sighed. “The chains aren’t wrapped around you. They’re coming out of you and wrapped around the table. They’re snaking out from inside your body like the spawn of botflies wriggling out of gaping holes in—”

“Stop,” Stella said and threw a bit of red boulder that had fallen off of Sheryl at him. “I don’t want to hear it. If you can’t free Vur like you said you could, then it’s your job to distract the army while Sheryl heals.”

Mervin scrunched up his forehead. “I’m just a single genie king. How am I supposed to stop an army of millions that even three really strong magical rocks couldn’t?”

“They’re not rocks,” Vur said.

Stella placed her hands on her hips. “If Vur wished for you to stop those people, could you do it?”

“Well, yeah,” Mervin said and nodded.

“How?” Stella asked.

“I’d go out there and—”

Stella threw another piece of Sheryl at him. “Then do that! Every second you spend arguing is a second closer to my home’s impending violation!”

Mervin rubbed his forehead where the red rock struck him. “Alright, I’ll do it,” he said and smiled at the angry fairy queen. He darted out of the cell, disappearing before anyone could say anything.

Sheryl stopped tugging on the arrow embedded inside of herself and blinked at Stella. “Why does he listen to you when you’re so mean to him?”

Stella sighed and lowered her hands from her hips. Her wings slowed, and she landed on top of the red boulder. “You see, Sheryl. Some people…, some people like being treated like that. It makes every part of their body happy.” Stella nodded. “We call those people freaks.”

“Oh,” Sheryl said. She pursed her rocky lips before grabbing onto the arrow again and tugged. “That stupid, stupid archer. When I get this arrow out of me, I’m going to fly out there and stick it up his butt and see how he likes it!”

Stella pursed her lips. Why was she the only normal one here?

***

Ralph wiped away at his forehead with the back of his hand. He didn’t feel exhaustion anymore as a being made of blood and magic, but going through the motions let him feel human again, if even for a brief moment. A tremor shook the ground and the frontline of the army tripped, delaying the whole procession. A tiny, high-pitched voice that seemed to be floating along the wind pierced his ears, “Greetings!”

Ralph and the other soldiers swiveled their heads, looking for the source of the voice. Lord Briffault pointed an arrow at a tiny figure in the sky. “There.”

Ralph squinted at it. “Isn’t that a genie?”

“That’s right!” Mervin said and pointed at Ralph. “Someone give this man a medal. I am Mervin, a genie king! And all of you are now participants of my riddle. Solve the riddle, and you’ll be free to proceed. But if you fail…, let’s just say those earthen spears that attacked you earlier will look like tiny toothpicks compared to what’ll happen, alright?”

“This is nonsense,” Lord Briffault said and nocked his arrow.

“Ah! You there, the big fellow with the bow,” Mervin said, his body bobbing up and down in the air. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. The last person to assault a genie king had his whole family cursed for the next thousand generations. You might not face any consequences, but you had kids before you became like that, didn’t you? It’d be a shame if your lineage suddenly disappeared through a series of unfortunate accidents. It’d be even more of a shame if it was because of you, right?”

Lord Briffault unnocked his arrow and lowered his bow.

“That’s better,” Mervin said and nodded. “Now, since there’s so many of you, it’s only fair if there are many questions for you to solve as well. We’ll start off with something simple, but they’ll get harder and harder with every question you answer. The games will begin when all of you sit down.”

Five minutes passed as word spread. When the whole army was sitting, Mervin nodded. “Alright, first riddle!” He pointed at the sky. “What’s big, blue, and vast?”

The army waited for more. Lord Briffault cleared his throat. “Was that it?”

“Yep,” Mervin said. “I said we’d start off with simple riddles first, right? What’s big, blue, and vast?”

“The sky!” someone shouted.

“Ding, ding, ding!” Mervin raised his arms into the air. “Congratulations, you got the wrong answer! It was actually the ocean. Deedee, get ‘em.”

The soldiers screamed as the ground split apart, swallowing up a tenth of the army before closing.

Mervin sighed. “I didn’t expect you to fail the first riddle,” he said. “Since I feel bad for you and my owner mistreats me, I’ll make the next riddle even easier than this one.” He placed his hand in front of his mouth before clearing his throat. “Is a watermelon a fruit, or is it a vegetable?”

The soldiers fell silent, all of them turning their heads towards Lord Briffault. He scratched his head. “Is that the whole riddle?”

Mervin nodded. “Yep.”

“…Isn’t that, uh, not a riddle?”

“Says who? I’m the genie king. I declare what is or isn’t a riddle. If you don’t like it, you can turn around and leave.”

“Well, alright then,” Lord Briffault said and crossed his arms over his chest. “I thank you for giving us this easy question. A watermelon is a fruit and not a vegetable.”

“Ding, ding, ding!” Mervin raised his hands into the air again. “Congratulations, you’re wrong again! I really thought you’d get it this time. A watermelon is both a fruit and a vegetable.”

Lord Briffault fell over onto his back. “Wait, what? That’s impossible!”

“Nope,” Mervin said and shook his head. “Look it up in the imperial library.” He shrugged. “Though, I do feel bad since you got the question half-right. I’ll only take five percent of your army this time instead of ten. Deedee, you’re up.”