23 King Kirk and the Llama

Kirk Lander looked at the llama, and the llama looked back at him in a supercilious way.

I'm superior to you, the llama's big dark eye said. I'm superior to you, so don't you try to fuck around with me.

"We'll see," muttered Kirk. He turned to his son Adam and said:

"Fuck, I really wish Debbie had chosen a lamb for a pet. Haven't seen that brute in a while. Forgot how big it was. How the hell are they going to kill it over there? With pebbles and twigs?"

"Randy's made himself a proper club," Adam said. "He even managed to knock a couple of sharp stones into its head. It looks fucking lethal. I'm sure he can deal with the llama."

"Randy's got a club? I didn't see him holding any clubs. Wait, I'll just tell my guy to - "

"You really should go over there, Dad. I mean again. It's better than trying to do things by remote control, and at a crazy speed."

"We need secure communications, Adam. Secure communications are of paramount importance."

"Well, I could stay and - "

"No. I need you to get back on your bicycle and go talk to Vorner."

"But that's ten kilometers away!"

"What's half an hour on a bike for someone like you? You told me you like this bike. I bought it for you last year for your birthday after you'd said you'd like to lose some weight. You were overjoyed."

"I was, Dad. Truly. But - "

"Vorner keeps horses. Randy keeps boasting about how he won a bunch of rodeos when he was a kid. Or something like that. Anyway, this will be his chance to show his prowess in the saddle."

"He won't have a saddle over there, Dad."

"It's a figure of speech, Adam. Have you heard about figures of speech?"

"I'm sorry, Dad."

"Ask Vorner to sell you the most docile, well-behaved horse he has. And see if he hasn't got other livestock to sell. I think he keeps a couple of geese."

"Peacocks, Dad. He has a pair of peacocks. And I don't think he'll sell them. He likes them a lot."

"Hmm. You know, he'll have to bring that horse over anyway. If he starts bitching about that tell him to ride a horse while leading the one we bought by its reins. This way, the whole trip here and back won't take more than a couple of hours. I'll talk to him myself when he shows up."

"What if he doesn't want to come?"

"Adam, if you've got half your brain in working condition, you'll persuade him to come. Remember, money is no object."

"Okay. That might work."

"Of course. Off you go."

"Can I have a drink and a bite to eat first?"

"Of course, of course. I'm sorry. But please don't waste any time."

"Yes, Dad."

Kirk Lander watched his son cross the courtyard and disappear into the house. He looked at the llama, standing perfectly still in its stall.

"I'll fix you, you little fathead," he said. Then he walked out of the little stable that had been custom-built for his wife's pet llama, and went to the house himself.

It was a pity about those peacocks. Maybe he could just lend them for a day? He'd have to talk to Vorner about that. A cloak of peacock feathers - that's what he wanted. He'd seen an illustration of some Aztec hotshot wearing a cloak like that.

The women could make a cloak just like that for him. He was sure it wouldn't be too difficult. What could be difficult about sticking a bunch of feathers together?

He entered the house and pressed a switch on the wall beside the door. Still no power. Fuck! What happened to all that money he paid every year in fucking taxes? Wasn't he entitled to something in exchange?

In my kingdom, thought Kirk Lander, there will be no fuckups like that. They won't be allowed to exist. What, that guy's fucked up again? Off with his head!

As for that llama, well... Debbie knew how to handle it. Yes, he would wake Debbie up and tell her to make the implant.

But first, she would have to move it from its stall and to the area designated as launch pad. If she gave the animal an implant in the stable, the llama might end up in the little lake that existed in the same spot in the New World.

Kirk Lander remembered dimly there'd been a muddy pond he had ordered filled when he was building his palatial house. Maybe it used to be a lake. Whatever. He had to get this whole llama operation under way. It would be wise to communicate with his guy over there, and see what was going on.

He went to his study and shut the door and sat down in the ten-thousand-dollar armchair behind his thirty-thousand-dollar desk. He braced himself slightly, and rubbed the implant in his head.

Unlike the others, he had opted to put it right in the center of his forehead. He examined it in the mirror later, and was very pleased with the effect.

The glowing blue spot in the center of his forehead gave him a godlike appearance. When people ran into a guy like that, they instantly knew who was the boss.

God, how he hated it when everything seemed to happen at supersonic speed! His guy appeared to be talking to Randy about food. Kirk interrupted him with a question: did Randy Trueman indeed have a club?

Yes, came the answer. Randy had made a very workable club. He had also managed to catch some more fish in the lake, but eating raw fish was rapidly getting old. Everyone wanted proper, bloody meat. Everyone was feeling hungry all the time.

Kirk told his guy meat would be arriving soon, and asked him to warn Debbie she was about to wake up in the old world. He also instructed him to inform Randy he'd have to brain the incoming llama with his club before it ran away or something.

The llama would show up in the designated spot, ten paces west from its center. Randy had better be standing nearby, club at the ready.

Having issued instructions, Kirk muted his guy by placing a cupped hand over the implant and holding it there for a while. It was really ingenious, this whole setup.

Fancy people coming up with something like that just ten thousand years from now. But then they'd been forced to revert to Stone Age for a while in the meantime. Nothing like a good kick in the pants to get things really rolling.

Once they had slaughtered a few llamas and acquired a horse over there, his own little kingdom would get rolling, too. Randy would scout the surrounding country for flint stones, and he was sure to find some: this was limestone country.

Kirk Lander had spent just a few hours over there, but it was enough to convince him it was paradise. A crystal-clear creek ran into the little lake, providing drinking water. There were all sorts of wild fruit trees and shrubs, unfortunately fruitless at this time of the year - but the fruit would come, yes it would come!

The lake was teeming with fish, and they were stupid enough to be caught with bare hands when one was careful. And best of all, the weather was sunny and the air was balmy and warm. There was one brief shower while he was there. The rain wasn't unpleasant, it was refreshing.

Yes! All the ingredients necessary to build a powerful kingdom were there. Under his wise guidance, it would grow into an empire, he was quite sure. He would have to think of an appropriate flag. He had blue eyes, so definitely blue would be strongly featured.

How about a golden crown on a dark blue background? He frowned; he seemed to remember someone was already using that. He got up and walked up to the huge, wall-to-wall bookcase.

After a few minutes with a book (he had a complete, leather-bound set of Encyclopaedia Britannica), his suspicions were confirmed. Those fucking Swedes used gold crowns on a blue background in their national coat of arms. He cursed them silently while he put the book back.

Then he had a thought that made him smile. So what? There was no Sweden over there! Besides, he would use a single crown, not three. Three might give someone the idea he wanted to share his power.

A single golden crown then, and maybe he would choose a different model. The Swedish crowns looked flimsy and cheap. He'd definitely want something more solid than that.

He ran his finger over the Encyclopaedia Britanica volumes until it came to rest on the volume that covered everything starting with a 'C'. He pulled it out, and went and sat down in his expensive chair with the heavy book in his hand.

He was about to look at the illustrations of the various crowns when he remembered he was supposed to wake Debbie up. Those guys over there wanted some solid food!

He was a wise king, a good king. The flag would have to wait.

"Ladies and llamas first," he said out loud.

Pleased with his own wit, he got up and went to the striped tent in the back of his house.

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