631 V2 ch103

Wednesday came and went, but my bad mood was here to stay. Thursday we took another Spanish quiz and then headed home for lunch. Surprisingly, Jeremy was already there. He sat at the kitchen table with Mom and Dad, talking about the twins. 

"Hey, Jake." He greeted smiling. "I came early. Figured we could do a group lunch, and then I'll be responsible for dinner. I know a good spot we can go to after the softball game."

"Okay..." I shrugged. "I'm going to go put my backpack away."

"Same!" Noah said and we both headed for the stairs. 

In our room, I let out a sigh. 

"What's going on with you?" Noah poked me. "You've been moody since Tuesday night. I thought it was about you not being able to play, but I'm starting to think it has something to do with Jeremy."

I shrugged. "Kind of. It's just..." I paused. "I'll just bring it up to Dr. Moore. Don't worry about it."

Noah crosses his arms in front of his chest. "I won't worry about 'it', but I am worried about you. Did Jeremy do something?" He stood up a little straighter. 

My lips twitched. This is what made Jeremy upset last week. How protective the Atkins are of me. "Nah. It's not something he did, per se. It's just me...being me."

Noah put his hand on my shoulder. "There's nothing wrong with you being you. Come on, let's go. I'm getting hungry."

We went downstairs together and joined everyone. Mom had picked out a restaurant to eat at near the beach. Jeremy was going to drive separately, but Mom convinced him to just ride with us. 

It was a little awkward at first due to me being weird, but that came to a stop as we reached the restaurant. It's hard to be in a bad mood when everyone else was being cheerful. We laughed as Mom told us about the twins temper on their college visit. Apparently there were a lot of looks and comments on Dave's slightly pink hair. It wasn't so noticeable with a hat on, but still visible. 

Lunch lasted for over an hour, but it felt quick. I was worried about acting weird with Jeremy, but my thoughts took a backseat as everyone was having a good time. It wasn't until we got home that I started thinking about Jeremy and his family. Noah spoke the most so I don't think anyone could tell that something was going through my head. 

That changed when it was time for my appointment with Dr. Moore. Jeremy and I left the house together and drove in silence to his office. 

I glanced at him and noticed that he didn't look so good. I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't find the words. I closed my mouth and looked out the window until he parked. 

I hobbled out of the car while Jeremy got out smoothly. He wiped his hands on his pants before we headed inside. I saw him repeat the movement as we waited in the lobby. 

I took a seat on the couch, propping up the boot leg. "It's going good. The best I've ever had."

"Good to hear." He looked at Jeremy. "Good to see you again, Mr. Patterson. I was surprised when Jake called to make an appointment with you."

"We're not going to talk about me." Jeremy said stiffly as he sat down on the other end of the couch. 

Dr. Moore wasn't surprised by his attitude. Or at least, he didn't show it. He kept a neutral smile on his face as he looked back to me. "Is there a set goal you have in mind for today's session? Or do you just want to talk?"

I shrugged. "Sort of, but not really. Jeremy was..." I looked at him for help. 

Jeremy pursed his lips. "We were going to talk about Jake. Lately, I've been uncomfortable with the looks that the Atkins family gives me whenever we have alone time. It's like I can't be trusted."

"Ah." Dr. Moore pushed his glasses up. "This isn't just for you. I'm sure Jake has explained a little?"

Jeremy gave a nod. "He has issues. I get that. I get it better than any of them so why..."

"You can't ask them to stop worrying about Jake." Dr. Moore explained. "You care too, don't you?"

"Of course." Jeremy looked slightly offended. 

"Then you can understand where they're coming from. You all want what is best for Jake." Dr. Moore looked at him directly. "I think what you should be addressing, is your guilt."

The room went stall and time felt like it had stopped. 

Jeremy clenched his fists as they rest on his knees. "Excuse me?" He squeezed out. "Guilt?! I am not guilty."

"It's not what you are, it's what you're feeling." Dr. Moore corrected. 

Jeremy glared at him, looking mad. Like the first time he came to see me at the baseball field. Anger. Frustration. His attitude was no longer like the one I've been seeing lately. He was reverting back. 

Jeremy's eyes glanced my way and all of a sudden, his body let out a breath of air. Like a heavy sigh. His hands relaxed and he started to shake his head. "No, no, this isn't me." 

"What isn't you?" Dr. Moore asked, almost pretending that Jeremy wasn't acting a bit weird and out of control. 

"This." Jeremy kicked his legs out and stretched them. "I'm not-" He glanced at me. "I don't mean to scare you."

That's when I notice my own hands...shaking. 

Jeremy sighed again, sadder than I've seen before. He rubbed his temples. "I do feel guilty. Every time I see Jake. Think of him. I wish...I could change the past."

The room went silent. 

"Good." Dr. Moore started to scribble on his notebook. 

"Good?" Jeremy echoed. "How is this good?" He stood up, towering over us. "How is any of this good? I was beaten and escaped hell. I've convinced myself for years that I could never return. Only to have the past come to me." He put his hands on the desk and leaned forward to get in Dr. Moore's face. "Please tell me how any of this is good?"

"Let me ask you this..." Dr. Moore didn't even lean back. He just stared Jeremy in his eyes. "Do you wish that you never knew about Jake? You each live your separate lives?"

"What?!" Jeremy took a step back like he heard something so unpleasant, he might be sick. "No! I wish I knew sooner!"

"See? That's good." Dr. Moore told him. "Addressing your guilt. This kind of guilt is appropriate. It helps you; gives you a purpose. Doesn't it?"

Jeremy was stunned. "Gives me a purpose?"

"Doesn't the guilt drive you to change your behavior?" He glanced at me. "Like reaching out to Jake? Being there for him?"

Jeremy looked at me. 

I tried to show him a smile. 

"It's good to recognize this guilt. Let it change you for the better. That's the next step. Change. Taking action to fix the problem. An apology is good, but sometimes it isn't enough. We have to use our actions to show that we have changed in order to repair the broken relationship."