Chapter 74 - Being Ignorant

In the evening. Behind the window, I looked outside, eying the trees along the road. The leaves fell, flying in the cold night wind, scattering the leaves in the air. If it snowed tonight, maybe the flickering white color reflected by the moonlight would be so beautiful when it was seen from the dim room, disguising how gloomy the darkness out there.

Staring at the boundless void through the window, I sat by the frame, hugged my knees, and occasionally smoked a cigarette at my fingertips.

In this silence, smoking a cigarette made me feel a little weird. The taste of the cigarette was no longer the same as before when it touched my lips, making this cigarette feel strange every time it was puffed. The billowing smoke was suffocating my lungs, made me choke now and then, then coughed while patting my chest. Perhaps, it was because I was no longer used to it but stupidly kept pushing myself to do it.

At first, I thought that I had cut my ties with this nicotine, but because I kept feeling restless all day and coupled with the presence of Daehyun who had been coming to this place since this afternoon, I thought about relaxing myself, and a cigarette would be fine. I thought it was okay to enjoy it in this situation.

Now, after a week of leaving the apartment, Donghwa's shadows keep appearing in my head. No matter how much I wanted to stop thinking about him, it was a futile thing, which made me feel terrific anxiety.

What is he doing at this time?

Is he also thinking about me?

Or is he even smiling happily after he kicked me out?

I realized that Donghwa was the worst. However, our relationship that had turned its tenth year in the winter of December this year, made everything about him permanent on my mind. I could also memorize everything in detail in my head, and I realized that only death would stop me from thinking about him and our relationship.

Sometimes, I wonder inside, how would he be without me right now? Will he be okay?

As I knew, he was short-minded and very clumsy. In the past, it looked as if he was only dependent on me. I was afraid he would do something even dumber than I thought right now.

But, was it proper to think about him after what had happened all this time?

However, I couldn't find the answers to those questions within myself.

"Chunghee?"

Hearing a voice calling me in silence, I immediately turned my head and saw Daehyun, who was walking towards me with a white blanket in his hand.

He smiled, but I would rather look out of the window than had to see that smile. Then, at that second, a thick cloth covered my body.

He sat in front of me. Without glancing at him, by the corner of my eye, I could see Daehyun was watching me right now.

I smoked a cigarette on my fingertips lazily and pretended not to notice his presence in front of me.

Until, his deep voice broke the silence in this dim room, "You know that smoking isn't good for your health. Didn't Doctor Jeong warn you?"

I was silent as I didn't hear anything, ignoring him, showing my stubbornness without caring.

Getting a response like this, he was heard sighing heavily. "This is the last time. Next time, I won't let you touch that thing again."

I didn't say a word but staring blankly at the endless darkness out there.

This afternoon, we had a little argument. So, feeling annoyed, I refused to talk to him until now.

An hour after lunch, I saw Daehyun smoking in the backyard. Thus, it aroused my desire to do the same.

However, although I had asked kindly and in tenderness, he responded harshly to me with advice that made me even more distressed. Feeling unacceptable, I decided to buy it out there by myself.

Daehyun certainly didn't allow me to go easily, and persistently prevented me. He even locked all the doors, not wanted me to go out for something like that.

I knew that Daehyun was worried about me — it was etched in his eyes. However, I just wanted to do something without someone preventing me. Until, this evening, he gave in and let me smoke, yet I still didn't want to talk to him.

"Chunghee, are you still mad at me? I'm sorry."

Same question as before. This was the sixth time Daehyun had asked me that.

Slowly, I turned my head over to him, then put out the cigarette by rubbing it against the glass ashtray beside me. I said, "I let you stay here, but I don't want you to stop me from doing what I want to do — this is my life — I'm in charge of myself."

Hearing Daehyun kept asking the same questions, made me feel sorry, and started talking to him.

However, those words didn't sound good to his ears. It made his gaze darkening. He then spoke in a low voice that sounded cold, "And, it's my duty to forbid you. How could I possibly allow you to do things that endanger yourself?"

"Duty? Who do you think you are? What's your business? Nonsense. I've been freed from Donghwa who always restrains me, and you shouldn't come to me to be him and do the same." I chuckled, intending to look down on him, who was nothing to me but being so confident when he said his words. Leaning my head on the frame, I watched Daehyun, who was showing a serious look, secretly.

For some reason, my chaotic feelings tonight made me talk without thinking about how Daehyun would feel because I didn't know what to do. All of this was beyond my plans.

After I said that, Daehyun fell silent by locking his sharp gaze into my eyes. Then, a few seconds later, he drew slowly towards me until his face was close enough to mine, and suddenly his sharp gaze turned soft.

Our faces were too close apart, even our noses were touching each other.

From this distance, I could see his jet black eyes even more clearly. There was warmth in there and it was beautiful. I was stunned, unable to move.

Then, his hand slowly moved and touched my face; stroking my eyelid with his thumb gently. He said in a voice that was heard alluring, "I love you, so it's my business."

A second after finishing the sentence of him, his soft lips touched tightly closed mine. He touched my chin, pulled it down a little so that my lips open a gap, and then he kissed me more intimately.

Even though we had been close enough in the past few months, this kind of intimacy from him had not gotten me used to it.

I was surprised!

However, even with the feeling of 'reluctant', as if about to push his body away, I, who was currently opening my eyes and looking at Daehyun, who was closing his eyes, and seemed to be enjoying this 'kiss', I steadfastly let him do what he wanted as if something locked my body to move.

His kiss was gentle, but I wasn't used to this kind of gentleness from someone else. Doing it with someone that I didn't hold my heart on, made me unable to enjoy it at all.

Fortunately, this kiss lasted only a few seconds. Daehyun slowly opened his eyes. He gradually started to move his face away, but with his hands still touched my face. He said sincerely, "I do love you. I came to you, not want to be him. I just want to be with you. Don't come back to him again. I can treat you better than him."

"Daehyun, he threw me out. I'm just trash." I looked at Daehyun closely, and spoke deeply, "But, trash like me has pride. I won't come back to him. If you want me to be with you, then fine, I'll be with you. But, I don't want you to expect something more than this from me. I don't want to hurt you because I don't have feelings for you."

He smiled. "If you don't want to hurt me, then stay with me, promise me that you will never come back to him no matter what. About your feelings, I can work on it, the most important thing right now is you want to be with me."

The words were very touching so that it made my 'ignorant' expression change as if I wanted to give him the chance. But, besides that, asking me to make a promise, was like forcing me to jump into a cliff filled with flames. I promised too many promises and I was often cheated by many promises.

However, this doubt still made it necessary for me to consider the complicated matter he had just talked about, while continuing to stare into his eyes, which were filled with hope in them, without a word.