Chapter 85 - Where Is Mom?

Feng Xuan woke up staring at the ceiling made up of iron sheets. Her back was aching and she got up from the make-shift bed she was laying on. It was clearly a mattress but it was so thin and she felt the springs poking her skin open.

Her sleepy eyes widened when she realized she did not know where she was. There was nothing in the room apart from a wooden table and a chair. A faded white door was shut but the doorknob looked like it was gleaming against the light bulb. She scratched at her arms and legs where little bumps had already appeared because of mosquito bites, but there were no windows. Her throat felt like sandpaper. She was thirsty and there was not a sign of a single drop of water.

Feng Xuan dragged herself out of the uncomfortable bed and tried to open the door. She twisted the knob but it did not bite. She tried pulling it—pushing it, but nothing was happening. She tried calling for someone but no one answered. She even threw her weight against it but nothing worked. There was not a single response either from the other side. No sound. Just plainly nothing.

She was just about to panic when she looked back and saw that a huge mirror was leaning against the wall. Am I dreaming? she thought. Yeah, I have to be dreaming. That mirror is not there earlier. She even tried pinching herself but she would not wake up. Okay, maybe this is not a dream.

She walked towards the mirror, not really sure what she was expecting to see. She appeared on the reflection and heard a scream. It was a moment later that she found out it was coming out of her mouth. Her expression a face of horror as it crawled under skin.

Feng Xuan saw herself in the mirror—her fifteen year old self, dark liquid was pouring from the top of her head. She touched it, her fingertips came away red. Her scream heightened and the mirror broke. The ground disappeared under her feet and she was just falling and falling, the air offering no resistance… away and away from the light.

**

Qing Chen had sent Qing Lok home after he arrived and changed the guards he was with. But this time, he only kept two outside. He quickly washed his face and changed clothes in the bathroom before going near her. Feng Xuan was still unconscious but the low rhythmic sound of the heart monitor put him at ease as he took the seat next to her bed.

He reached and touched her cheek. She was still cold and pale but at least she wasn't white as a sheet. Earlier that afternoon, he could see her blue veins spidering under her fair skin. He carefully put both her hands under the blanket and held it from there.

He was just staring at her face over the rising and falling of her chest, waiting for her to wake up until he could no longer lift his eyelids and sleep finally pulled him in.

Qing Chen was awakened by a small sound. Thinking that Feng Xuan was already awake, he peeled his eyes open and found that his neck was aching from the awkward position his head had been laying on the hospital bed. He lifted his head and saw the tired face of Feng Lizhao.

He made a move to get up from his seat to greet him, but the old man held up a hand and signalled him to sit down instead. It was still dark outside and Qing Chen squinted at the clock on top of the bed. It was only four in the morning. Feng Lizao pulled a one-seater and sat at the other side of Feng Xuan.

"Do you want to be alone with her, sir?" his voice was still coarse from lack of sleep.

Feng Lizhao shook his head. "Stay. What did the doctors say?"

Qing Chen recounted the latest update they received through Qing Lok and the improvements in Feng Xuan's condition. He also told him about what happened to the others.

"Where's the truck driver now?" the old man asked.

Qing Chen pulled his eyes downwards. "Dead."

"Good," Feng Lizhao whispered and held his daughter's hand from the top of the blanket. "Do you think she'll get her memories back?"

Qing Chen had thought about it when he was pacing outside the emergency room yesterday. It still ran a chill down his spine. But it got pushed in the back of his mind as the events unfolded. Forgotten memories were often triggered by the defining moment that made them unremembered in the first place. And he knew he was not going to be able to escape talking about this. "Possibly, sir."

Feng Lizhao nodded resentfully. "When she was fifteen and had woken up from her deep slumber after everything, I was also at her bedside in the hospital and the first thing she asked me was 'where is mom?'. I told her the truth—that her mother had passed away. She did not make a sound but her face crumpled and tears flowed freely from her eyes. She clutched on my arms and her nails left cuts. But there was nothing I could do to save her from that pain she was feeling."

Qing Chen felt his heart plunged to his stomach. He had the same feeling of pain when his mother passed. Then it was just numbness afterwards.

Feng Lizhao continued, "She cried herself to sleep and I never left her side. The second time she regained consciousness, she woke up screaming. In what pain? She was badly bruised and injured. But clearly, her pain was not physical. She pulled all the cords, the IV off her body, and pushed everyone with strength they never thought a scrawny girl would have. When she calmed down and we managed to hold her down the bed as they sedated her. She told me: 'I'm sorry I wasn't able to save her'."

Feng Lizhao's hand squeezed on his chin. He perfectly remembered the way his daughter's voice sounded. Scratchy, dry, and broken. He felt her pain deep in his bones. It was the most heartbreaking scene he witnessed. His daughter thought it was her fault that her mother died, because she couldn't save her. He swallowed to keep his tears from coming.

"I went home for a short while to rest for a bit. When I came back, she was already tied to the bed. The nurses said that she woke up again and pried open the hospital windows and leaned towards it as if she was going to fly off it, screaming that she was going to save her mother. They had to sedate her again and were forced to make sure she would not do it again."

Feng Lizhao remembered how his heart sank when he heard this. He had already lost his wife. He could not lose his daughter too. But it was like she was begging to be with her mother too soon. He thought if Feng Xuan would die, he would soon follow.

"The fourth time she woke up, she asked me again: 'where is mom?' and I told her again that her mother passed away. I thought she was just making sure. She was crying again and then she asked me, 'Did the car crash kill her?'" Feng Lizhao clutched harder on his daughter's slim wrist. "I knew then there was something wrong. I asked her to come again. And she said, 'Mom died in the car accident? Did she die immediately?'"

Qing Chen hardened his eyes on Feng Xuan's face. He never thought it went this way when she had lost her memories.

"That was when the doctors had done a CT scan of her brain. They found something there and told me that she lost some of her memories. Dissociative amnesia they said—it was her body's way of coping to the trauma—just forget all about it. They said it could be thematic, or about her history and identity. She had forgotten everything about the mafia, she had forgotten everything she went through that was associated with it, forgotten how her mother really died."

Silence enveloped them, but before the air could thicken Feng Lizhao offered a chuckle. "What if she wakes up and forgets about you?"

Qing Chen was suddenly wide awake and let out a nervous laugh. "I hope not."

Feng Lizhao only smiled at his daughter's face, lifting his heavy cheeks. In his eyes was acceptance. He recognized that this could be the end of the line for concealing the truth. "Do you want to go home first and change?"

"Uh, no, sir. My brother actually left me clothes here." Qing Chen did not want to ask, but he offered anyway. "Do you want to stay? Be alone with her when she wakes up?"

Feng Lizhao shook his head. "You stay with her. I'll go home." The old man started to get out of his seat and Qing Chen stood up.

"But, sir, she's supposed to wake up in a few hours. Are you sure you don't want to stay?"

"She's going to wake up," the father said in a certain voice that calmed Qing Chen's remaining fear. "She'll look for me but she'll be more relieved when she sees you here. Just tell her I dropped by. I'll come visit the two of you when she's settled in the house again."

"What if she wakes up and remembers everything? She would be looking for you."

"Then call for me," Feng Lizhao said, standing up to his full height. "Then the three of us are going to sit down. And we will tell her everything."