Chapter 36 - Regret

(From Leandro's Perspective)

"... You can draw. Your drawings are really cool. Will you teach me? Oh, it's not the right time to ask that. Anyway, then you are very cold, mysterious, at least you behave like you are."

"You mean I'm not cold and mysterious actually?" I asked, amused as she kept talking, moving her hands impatiently in the air while her lips kept moving without stopping.

"Yes. I mean, you might be mysterious a bit, but not exactly cold, at least from the inside. You care even though you try not to show it. And I've seen something behind your eyes that doesn't speak of your coldness," she said.

I darkened my look at her. What was she? She was talking like as much as she knew about me, she knew them fully. It seemed like she understood me, she could see through me.

"I'm right, ain't I? Ain't I, Leandro?" she asked expectantly. "Oh, of course, you won't say I'm right. That would reveal a part of you, right? A part that you try to hide? Anyway, in that case, know one thing that I won't betray you. Whatever I do, I don't betray."

I did not say anything. She was being irresistible with each passing moment and the things she was talking about I did not even know if they were true. It seemed in some cases, she knew me better than I knew myself.

"Leandro, tonight after you win, which I still don't understand how," she said, suddenly her voice a bit low, "you will come to meet me at Edrich's place, won't you?"

Her eyes were pleading as she said this. It looked like she wanted nothing more than to see me again. Why was she caring for me this much as if I was everything to her?

"I will," I found myself saying. I watched her face intently as she pursed her lips and nodded. She was not crying, but there was sadness and worry in her eyes. And it was enough for me to be determined to rip anyone's head off who would try to hurt her. "But what if Edrich is there?"

"Oh," she mumbled. "Then we can meet somewhere else. The pub... no, not the pub. What about the end of the forest where you leave me every morning?"

"It won't be safe tonight," I said.

She sighed and looked down. I watched her expressions. She looked tensed and worried and the thought that she was worried about me made me feel something different.

"Jed said that Edrich stays in the brothels, most of the nights," she said after a while of thinking in utter silence.

"What if he decides to stay at his place tonight?"

"He won't. I'll make sure of it," she said.

"How?"

"I don't know, but I will."

"That's not a proper answer," I said.

"You didn't give me a proper answer either when I asked you how you are going to save yourself from those disgusting slimy skinned bony creatures," she snapped.

"I didn't give you an answer because I know what I'm doing. And I'm sure that they won't be able to do anything," I said.

"Same goes for me. I know what I'm doing as well. I'll manage. Just come to Jed's place. It doesn't matter if it's midnight. Just come," she said.

"How can I be sure that you'll be able to make Edrich stay the night at the brothel?"

"Trust me."

"How can I trust you?" I asked and right that moment, I knew that I should not have said that. She was hurt, but she quickly hid that pain with an angry look.

"Fine! Don't trust me!" she hissed and went out of the cave, muttering things furiously under her breath without even finishing her food.

Now I regretted it a lot. "Fuck!" I cursed under my breath and followed her. She was walking as fast as she could, but as her steps were not so long, I quickly caught her.

"Ella!"

"What? I'm going for work," she said, not slowing down a bit.

"You haven't finished your food," I said.

"I'm not hungry. And besides, why do you care? You don't trust me, right? You shouldn't pretend to care for me either," she grumbled.

She did not look at me, but I knew that there was hurt written all over into her eyes. I regretted my decision more than ever. Seeing her getting hurt at my words made me want to punch the wall. Since the time we met, I never truly behaved well with her. It was true that I tried and I even managed not to be rough towards her. But even when I was, she never minded. Rather, she would make fun of it and eventually make me behave well towards her. But this time, she was truly hurt.

I did not try to talk to her again, neither did she. I did not know what to say to make her feel better. Perhaps my mouth would again say something horrible, she would get even sad.

"Be careful," she muttered without looking at me as soon as we reached the end of the forest. Without waiting for my response, she walked away, swinging her slender hips and brown hair.

I watched after her as she eventually went out of sight, taking half of my heart with her. Her scent was still in my nostrils. I sighed and shook my head in an attempt to get her out of my mind. Not that it was easy or precisely saying possible. She was like a nightmare- no matter how hard you try they keep coming back. But the only difference was that she was the nightmare I always wanted to have, the nightmare I would never get enough of.

Last night I had kept kissing her even after she fell asleep. I could smell her arousal and got the urge to shove my hand inside her dress. But I did not. With her, I was always careful. Even though it was hard to control myself around her, I always managed to. A voice inside my head always whispered to me that if I did something wrong, she would always hate me. The voice kept saying that she was an innocent girl; I should not ruin her.

I was still thinking about her. Shit! I was losing myself in her thought. But did I want to stop thinking about her? I should, but I did not want to. And perhaps I would not.

I did not head back to the cave. There were things to be done. Perhaps my little brother thought he could take me down this time. In that case, I was more than ready to prove him wrong.

I went to the middle of the forest, where there was a hut. That was the place where Father used to lock me up as a child. When I was thirteen and I had killed my sister, my father locked me up there for six months. He could not keep me locked for more times as Mother insisted. Mother was the only person who thought that it was not my fault that I would turn into the Beast. Mother warned Father that if he did not bring me to the castle and give me my rightful place, then she would go to her father and let all the people know about the injustice.

Even though Mother did all those things for me, she could not fully trust me. She still thought that I was dangerous. I could not blame her. It was the truth. I could easily kill someone in the blink of an eye.

Ella was the first person who did not fear me at all. She looked at me as another human being, not as a monster. She even cared for me. She was worried about me. Since thirteen, I had believed the fact that no one could ever care for me, forget love. I thought that I was meant to be feared and hated.

But she proved me wrong. She trusted me. She lived with me. She made me smile and open up to her, not too much, but still, it was a big step for me to open up to someone. She even made me think that perhaps I was not worthy of all the hatred I got.

But what was she? Why was she making me feel this way? She smiled and talked a lot, but I knew that deep down, there were things that were hurting her even though she was trying to run away from them. Even though she said that what she had last night was just a nightmare, I knew it was not. The way her gaze suddenly darkened when she said this was clear evidence that it was not just that.. There were more things and if I was right, the things were not sweet at all.

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