Chapter 73 - Let’s Start A Relationship

(From Ella's Perspective)

Sometimes trying to understand Leandro was like trying to read colors. Perhaps reading colors was easier than understanding him. He was like shadows, in front of me, but hard to touch, to see through. 

But I was getting surprised again and again when he kissed me all of a sudden out of nowhere. When he kissed me after I asked him about Valentino Trenton, all I could feel was shock and a sudden pleasure even though it was supposed to be disgusting as I was eating at that moment. But why did he do that? It kind of felt like he was jealous. 

Perhaps I was right. He was indeed jealous. He behaved almost the same way when he said he could smell Jed from me. That day Jed hugged me after coming out to me, but Leandro thought I had slept with Jed. He kissed me like a hungry beast that time and then suddenly broke the kiss and went to the bathroom. He even broke the mirror with his fist. 

Then when he went to Jed's place and I laughed with Jed with Jed's arm around my waist as he helped me not to fall, he became angry and kissed my throat and lips right in front of Jed. That day when he took me to that forest cabin, he told Anders to keep his eyes to himself. I wondered if Anders was looking at me and that was the reason Leandro said that. 

They all seemed to be connected together. Was he truly jealous? But we were not in a relationship. Was it not a bit odd for him to get jealous for me when we were not together? 

Besides, could we be ever together? I was no match for him. Even though I had shifter blood, I was still a human. He marked me, but he said it clearly that he never intended to mark anyone. It meant he did not want to ever be with anyone. And I never thought of myself with someone as well. 

Though we were supposed to be together with the mark thing going on, I could not see how we could be together. Sometimes he felt so close, and sometimes he was far away. No relationship could ever work like this. 

There must not be any secrets, any lies in a relationship. And I would never get into a relationship if I did not know all about the other person, if I could not trust him. I trusted him, but not with my heart. I would get into a relationship with him even if I could not trust him with my heart, but just my life. But still, I needed to know more about him. I needed to know what was inside his hard shell that he was keeping for a long time. I wanted to know what his flaws were, what his strengths were. I wanted him to trust me fully to tell me those. Only then, perhaps I would take a chance. 

"I need to talk to you about something," he said suddenly. I thought he had fallen asleep already. After dinner, we had come to bed. I was reading a book for a while, but I could not concentrate as my mind was full of him. 

"What is it?" I asked.

"The thing that's going on between us- it's not normal. We're not friends, not enemies, not siblings, basically, there is nothing that can describe us right now. I thought about this for a while and I think it's better if we start a relationship," he said. 

I could not believe he said this. It was the same thing that I had been thinking about for a while now. But what was I going to say to him now? 

"It's early, I know. But I don't think I can stay with you like this, with this kind of thing going on if we're not in a relationship. It will break us both," he added. 

"I understand. I'll think about it," I said. 

"Do you hate me?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"Do we go and start a relationship with someone just because we don't hate them? A relationship requires truth, no secrets... There is no point in a relationship full of dark secrets with a past that the other person doesn't know about. This kind of relationship only works in romance novels and movies. In real life, it's not possible. Yes, I want to be with you. But do we take or get what we want always? We crave sweets, but do we eat them all the time? We eat a particular amount that's good for us. Excessive things cause damage_ always. Even if I want you, I won't be with you until_ there are no secrets between us. I tell you everything, every single thing that happens because I know that you won't break my trust. I trust you with my life, Leandro. That's why I don't fear telling you about my flaws, my life... But you don't do the same. There is always a part of you that's so far away. I try to touch that part, but you subconsciously push me away and wrap yourself in the cold mystery again. I don't care what kind of person you are. Just let me know you, let me get close to you. Or do you think there would be any point of the relationship where one of us will always feel so distant?"

He did not say anything. I was lying with my back facing him, but I could feel his gaze on my back like burning coal pressed again my skin. It was uncomfortable, but I did not turn to look at him. I knew the moment the words left my mouth, I was going to be clear with him. He would know that I truly wanted him, but was afraid to be with him at the same time.

"You're afraid," he said after a while.

"Of course I'm afraid!" I said loudly. "Why wouldn't I be? I know what the result will be. I don't want to get hurt, Leandro! I don't want to be left broken-hearted! I know what this kind of sudden attraction can do to someone. I'm the result of sudden attraction, ain't I? No one can understand this better than me. Mom made a mistake and Dad left. They made me. What's my fault in this? Did I ask them to make me? Did I ask to be their child? Did I ask to be born? Yet, I'm the one suffering the most. Mom loves Dad. I know she does. Perhaps they weren't together for a long time, but the time they spent together, it's enough for Mom to fall for him. She doesn't want to love him, but she still does. She wants to forget him, but she can't. Do you know why? Because of me! Looking at me makes her remember Dad again and she treats me like trash then as if she is taking her revenge on Dad for leaving her. See? See why I'm afraid? I don't want to be in this kind of relationship. It's painful. And this pain won't make me stronger, rather it will take me down."

"Do you think it's just you who doesn't want to get hurt, Ella?" he asked calmly. "Do you think I would want you to leave me?"

"Even if I don't leave, you can leave me," I mumbled.

He sighed. "Sleep, Ella. Don't get into any kind of trouble at the castle and hide your marking. They know that you're not a shifter from your smell. But if they see you're marked, they will get suspicious. Humans can't be marked here. They will try to find out more about you. Just stay out of everyone's sight if possible."

"I'm going to be with your stepbrother. No need to worry."

"Stop calling him my brother."

"I said stepbrother. There is a difference," I said. "Now that I think of... We actually have this thing in common. You have a stepbrother and I have a step sister. We both have a step-sibling. The only difference is that Jed is amazing. He is really cool, not boring and also a good person. And of course, he is my friend. But Linda, huh- she is the most disgusting person you'll ever meet. She is so annoying that you will want to die. I mean, honestly- Who says that seeing a black cat would lessen your beauty? She is like that. Stupid, yet thinks she is the smartest. She is good-looking, but not in the way Mom and Owen say she is. She has no common sense with zero IQ... Let's just forget about her. Thinking about her gives me real pain. Let's sleep, ok? And let me tell you this again. I don't hate you. I don't love you. But I like you_ a lot. And I'll surely think about what you said. Goodnight then."

"Goodnight," he said and kissed me on the forehead. It was unexpected. "Don't worry.. I won't leave you alone."