69 Sacrifice

"What will happen tomorrow?" I asked.

"We will be going in." she replied.

"Don't tell me... Are you suggesting that we should go down there, into the underground facility!?" I yelled.

"Yes, teacher; that is correct. You will bring me down there tomorrow." she said.

"Are you mad?" I asked her. She was a bit too curious and brave.

"Is there a problem?" she calmly asked.

"I am not going down there ever again." I said.

"Well, I am sorry to say that I will have to bring you down there too if I want to go." she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I am trapped within you, teacher. Forgot about it already?" she said.

"No, Miss; but this is MY body. And I am not planning to put it into any unnecessary risks." I told her.

"So... Perhaps there is a bit of truth in what The Community says. What Idil once said." she said.

"What are you talking about? And how do you even know Idil? I never mentioned her." I was getting more confused every second.

"You can't make risky sacrifices. Maybe it is not that you don't want to help... You just can't do it." she said.

I didn't say anything for a while. I was really sleepy and tired, but I couldn't just evade this conversation.

"And, about Idil..." she continued. "You ocassionally think about her."

Another moment of silence.

"But... What if it doesn't work? Then we will have nothing left to sacrifice." I finally said. "It will be all for nothing."

"If it doesn't work, then nothing will." Cansu said. "You see, many years... You couldn't bring an end to this madness by fighting The Community on the surface. It's because the real cause of problems are literally down below... Underground."

I sighed.

"If you don't want to go down there, I can understand that. Really, I can. And I can't force you to do something that you are not willing to do. But, please remember... This time, if you don't do it, I will never forgive you. I will never forgive you for my death, and many others. And I will be silently judging you through your entire life as I watch you grow old and die with all the burden."

What was going on with her? I've never seen her talking like that.

"What is so important about this facility anyway?" I asked. "I mean... I've seen some of it myself, but I can't seem to understand what you are trying to do by getting in there."

"Members of The Community usually avoid going down there." she said. "Do you know why?"

"Why?" I asked. "And how do you even know that?"

"There are parts in your memory that you don't pay a lot of attention to. I'm only bringing them to surface, and you think I know a lot more than you do." she said. "Anyway, this 'why' part is what I'm wondering... We will go down there to discover and do something about it."

"But I've encountered with The Voice when I was down in the facility." I said.

"'Usually' doesn't mean 'always', you idiot. And, if you can remember clearly, it was more like a goodbye." she said.

There was yet another moment of silence. I was taking my time trying to comprehend everything.

"Anyway, what will you do? We have a book, we know the way down there." she said.

"There is one more cause of concern on my side..." I said. "What if it is a trap? What if they noticed that I was now free of the implant's effects, and they wanted to lure me back there?"

"You found this book randomly laying around in a library. What is the big deal?" she said.

"Yeah, but... What if? What if it was not a simple coincidence?" I said. "There was something disturbing about that so-called librarian."

"Teacher, you know..." she couldn't say what she wanted to. "Now you've got me thinking about it too." she sighed. "I would say you are just too sleepy and you couldn't think well, but you are right after all..."

- - -

I woke up in the kitchen, with my phone on my face. I must've fallen asleep very quickly. I looked around, and I saw the book open just by my side.

I got my phone off my face and got up.

"Good morning."

"WHO SAID THAT!?" I shouted in panic and got a defensive posture with reflex.

"What? I can't even say a good morning?"

"Thank goodness." It was Cansu. The voice was coming from my phone, which was surprisingly not out of battery yet. "Good morning to you, too. Did you wait there all night for me to wake up?"

"No. Actually, yes, sort of..." she said.

I looked at the clock. It was very early in the morning. Despite being very tired yesterday, I couldn't sleep well. But now I had to prepare to go back to the school.

After having a really quick breakfast, I grabbed my suitcase and my phone.

"Quit using my phone, you are draining the battery." I told Cansu.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" she said.

"What?"

"Take the book. We will need it." she said. She was right. I should've taken that leather-covered book with me.

"Though, I never said I would go down into the facility. You better stop thinking about it." I told Cansu.

I heard her coughing lightly.

"Look... You are giving sparks of hope and wasting everyone's time." she said. "Instead of being the weak and useless human you are, why don't you just go kill yourself instead?"

Her voice was dead serious. It was not some sort of sick joke. I couldn't understand it. She was lively, lovely, cheerful... How could she become such a harsh person so suddenly?

"Wh- what are you saying?" I said.

"I will no longer take it easy, teacher. Do you want know what I think? It IS your fault. A lot of things are your fault. You are responsible for the death of tens of students; not only those in your own generation but many others that came after." she said.

"Why are you-"

"I didn't have to dig so deep into your memories to figure this out, yet you are still refusing to understand it. You are running from responsibilities. You are so weak that you can't face anything." she was talking very fastly. "The only reason you are alive is Mr. Kenan's untimely, unexplainable protective behaviour. The only reason people trust you is that you stay away from the undesirable choices, and by following you, everyone stays out of harm's way even though it is not the right choice..."

"I think you are exaggerating." I tried to interrupt, but failed.

"And when you are by yourself, you easily lose control if not interrupted by someone... It was Mr. Kenan who pulled your strings years before, and similarly right now, I am the only one keeping you from spiralling into a psychologic chaos." she was shouting. "Do you even think that you have freewill? Do you feel like it? What have you done yourself that could end this massacre? You always find excuses to avoid taking action when the time comes."

"I've never seen it that way."

"If you search for excuses, you will find a lot. Almost every choice has it's risks; but it is YOUR job to manage them. You had to keep the balance of pros and cons through the necessary sacrifices, including your very own life if required." she said. "Needs of the many overweight the needs of the one."

"I think this argument is a bit out of-"

"You are selfish." she whispered. "You don't really want to help, do you? You don't care about it now that you are safe... It is just that hot burning hate towards the ones that hurt you... That rage in your heart keeps you going, am I wrong?"

"Liar!"

"You are not even capable of controlling your own chaos, yet you are one of the key tools for controlling the chaos inside the building. How ironic..." she said.

"Please stop, please..."

"Your importance in this adventure is merely an accident." she said. "A really sad, devastating accident."

"Stop it, I'm begging you!" I was in tears.

"At least The Community got one thing right... It would be much easier if you had just died that night." she said.

"No, you are lying! Are you turning into one of them?" I cried. I was feeling really bad. I dropped my suitcase and got on my knees.

"They are evil and manipulative... But they are intelligent, and they don't always tell lies." she said. "They didn't even need to lie to you at some point."

I dropped my phone. I couldn't take it.

"I hate you. You let this happen. I am not stuck with you out of choice, you just happened to be there at the right time, and I had no other choice for escape."

I got up on my feet and slowly went to the kitchen. I could still hear her yelling at the phone.

"No wonder everyone who ends up teaming up with you dies, but you somehow survive." she said.

I picked the sharpest knife from the stand.

"Do you even know what happened to Idil? Or a better question... Do you even want to know?"

If I wasn't being any useful, I could at least make my last desicion myself. That's what I thought as I looked at the shiny knife in my hand.

I was late, but perhaps the sacrifice could still mean something. There was no point in fighting it.

If my death was what everyone desired...