Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Do You Resent Me?

Perhaps because she grew up to be a fine lady, she seemed to have never seen such an ugly wound before. The maid who washed my body for the first time also responded similarly. I quickly put on my pajamas. Sandoria’s eyes, however, never left me.

I got out of the lake first. Sandoria, who had been absent-minded for a while, came out of the lake soon after. Still, my itchy body felt a little cooler because I washed it. I was walking while drying my wet hair in the wind, and her timid footsteps that followed me from behind kept on walking.

“What’s the matter?”

Sandoria noticed the meaning behind my question.

“What?”

Today, we were floundering around here and there.  We cut and crushed the grass, made a fuss, but we couldn’t feel anything.  After all, it wasn’t until sunset when we felt the need to wash ourselves up, and now it was time to feed our exhausted mouths. I was hungry, so I left the tired Sandoria and entered the hut first.

The jam and bread I had eaten in the morning were still there. I sat down at the table in a hurry and ate bread with jam. Sandoria, who followed me, closed the door of the hut carefully and crept to my side, quietly pulling out a chair and sitting down. I pushed the leftover bread in front of her.

“Thank you.”

I nodded and swallowed the bread. Sandoria glanced at me and looked back at my share of the bread. Neither of us said a word so it was very dry. She was so quiet and so I spoke to her first,

“Are we doing something wrong? It could be something other than the grass.”

“Well, that’s what the book says. You can feel it anywhere. The grass is just an example, saying that there is light in even something as insignificant as a single blade of grass.”

“I have a headache.”

“It’s difficult,”

Hence why some people at my age may not be able to go to the academy. If you don’t figure this out, they won’t accept you at all. 

I heard that no one in the Wittervaldo family has ever failed to enroll in the academy at our age. No matter how stupid I am, I immediately knew that achieving good grades in the academy is a must.

“If we both can’t make it,”

“We’re going to rewrite history.”

(T/N: by becoming failures) 

We went to bed because we thought we were going to sound depressed at this rate. I imagined us trapped behind this wall, wearing nothing but rotten pajamas. 

All right, let’s go to bed. 

As I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, I heard a shuffling sound from behind. It seems she hasn’t slept yet.

“Hey,”

Sandoria’s voice, with her wavy blond hair hanging down, trembled slightly. I sighed, looked back, and answered, lying face to face with her.

“What?”

Sandoria bit her red lips with her front teeth and let them go. It must have been a difficult question to ask.

“Did you get that wound outside?”

I knew she’d ask. I don’t know why she cared about my wounds, but I figured a curious girl like her would do that. I replied in a disapproving voice,

“Yes.”

“How?”

I didn’t understand why she was asking so many questions. 

“Why do you ask that?”

“No reason.”

She still wasn’t honest. It was the same with me.

“Same here. There, if you get caught stealing, your arm will be cut off, you will be set on fire, and whatnot. On the contrary, I was quite fortunate.”

It was when I first learned how to steal. I was seven at the time, and I had to choose between selling my body or stealing things. 

We were not taught from the beginning how to rob a passerby’s back pocket. Children who have just learned pickpocketing are instructed to steal food. 

It was only regrettable that the opponent I chose was holding a hot skewer in the fire. I succeeded in stealing food, but he knocked me down and burnt my skin. 

The area that is not within the surrounding walls, but the one that lies outside those walls, is referred to as the outer wall. 

People abandoned due to an unknown disease, orphans, fugitives, deserters, and all with stories gathered there. I didn’t sell myself to the old man with rotten front teeth, and I didn’t fucking beg. Anyway, it was like surviving on my own strength.

Sandoria, who heard my brief story, seemed very shocked. After a long silence, Sandoria asked sadly,

“Don’t you resent me?”

What you ate, slept and enjoyed, everything you learned, and the love you received and grew up with should have been mine, so why don’t you give it up for me?  Such was the resentment that Sandoria spoke of.

“I don’t blame you,”

Sandoria looked like she was ready to give up everything from the moment she saw me. She looked as if it was over for her. 

I didn’t know if Sandoria was a terrible person who would torment me, but if she had begged me not to take away the position, I might have been a little upset. 

But Sandoria wandered around in the castle with a face of resignation. No one told her how it would end, but she looked as if she had already seen the end. 

I felt more sympathy than resentment towards that face. When it felt like what I received was not mine, I used to make the same expression as the child. So I didn’t hate her to the point of wanting to kill her. I only hated it when she slapped me on the cheek.

“I’ll tell Grandpa tomorrow.”

“What?”

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“I’ll apologize.”

I got up. Sandoria closed her eyes and turned away. I know what that feeling is. The feeling of pity towards me was welling up in her, and so she was trying to wrap herself up in the cave of compassion on her own.

“No.”

This time Sandoria got up. 

“No matter how much we put our heads together, it’s not going to work. What’s the point of continuing to do something we don’t even know?”

“Then you go.”

“What?”

“I hate shame more than suffering. It’s like being stuck behind a wall like this and having no choice but to apologize.”

Sandoria shook her head as if what I said was inconceivable.

“I don’t accept those kinds of apologies. I will get you down on your knees.” (Iara)

“What?” (Sandoria)

“I can’t even eat bread properly because of the wound in my mouth. And you’re just going to end this with words?” (Iara)

I deliberately laughed and lay on my pillow.

“Are you afraid you’ll lose?” (Iara)

The eyes that had been submissive until now changed. Sandoria bit her lips and covered herself with a blanket. She lay down and turned her back to me.

“I’ll pretend I didn’t say that just now.” (Sandoria)

“Sure.” (Iara)

Sandoria deliberately made snoring sounds. Naturally, no further arguments were exchanged. I closed my eyes and buried myself in bed a little longer. It was such a cool night, as if the wind that came through the open window was talking to me.

* * *

“How are you?”

Sandoria had gone crazy. I thought she was just trying hard to provoke me, but I never thought she really went insane. Sandoria refused to eat the breakfast I had prepared and instead went out to lay down on the field. I almost choked on the bread that I was eating when I watched her say,

“You have such a beautiful color,”

She talked to the grass she was happily pulling on and cutting yesterday. The color of the grass wasn’t special or anything, but she caressed it as if it was very lovely. 

I bursted out in laughter at the sight, but she seemed determined regardless of my reaction.

After finishing my meal, I was torn between whether I should join this madness or not. 

Then I decided to do something else. I tried to remember the meaning of light first. It was said that the green light I saw last time was also in the grass, so this time I looked down and observed it without pulling it out. 

Sandoria, who was not tired, grabbed only one and hung on it. I lay down on my stomach and stared at the grass. I thought this fellow (grass) in front of me and the fellow next to me looked exactly the same. But when I looked closely, it turned out that this fellow had three leaves, and that fellow had four leaves. 

“Did you eat less?”

I nudged the three-leaved fellow with my fingernails. The grass swayed in the gentle wind, as if it were tickling me. I guess I went crazy just by looking at the grass. I touched the grass with the thought of tickling it. 

I was bored. It was a thought that a five-year-old might think, but the wind was like a lullaby that put me to sleep and the blade of grass was like a friend. I caught a ladybug passing by and played with it while putting it on a leaf.

The hot sun was obscured by clouds, letting our sweat cool down a little. Red-roasted Sandoria was still playing with that one plant. Before I knew it, I, too, fell in love with it, observing the small bugs and playing with my fingernails in the grass. 

There was no single blade of grass that looked identical. Some were paler in its turquoise color, while some were darker. Some had leaves that were pointed and some had leaves that were round. The moment I realized their differences I named the grass in front of me “Three”. It had three leaves, so this fellow is Three.

To Three, I spoke of this and that. Where is your family? Are they scattered, or are they just seeds blown by the wind? As I continued to talk, the grass waved its leaves in the wind, as if answering. It looked as if it was excited.

I dozed off in front of it, and dreamed of flying, before opening my eyes again. The second time I closed and opened my eyes was under the night sky. The wind became a blanket and covered us.  Sandoria also lay down next to me and slept. She was holding the grass in her hands. 

Then I saw the wind take out the hair from Sandoria’s mouth. It wasn’t just an intangible wind, but rather rather was something like a hand. I stooped down at the strange sight. Then someone grabbed my finger.

The grass was wrapped around my fingers. It may have been a coincidence, but it wasn’t. I shook my finger, trying to free it, but I felt the grass grip me a little tighter. It was when I got up in confusion that I finally got a good look at this place.

Under the black night sky, this place was deserted with no one aside from me and Sandoria. The gray walls surrounded this place in all directions, and the dark green grass bowed and unfolded with the movement of the wind. 

And there were hundreds of thousands of lights in it. The countless lights went from light yellow to dark green, and then back to green again. It quietly flew in the wind and landed on my finger. It whispered to me,

What do you want?

The orbs of lights contained by the plants were floating up into the sky. The trees had thousands of lights, the lake released orbs with every wave, and the land shone with a soft red light. Everything has life. And they were showing us the light.

“Sandoria, get up.”

Sandoria blinked slowly at the sound of my voice. A little orb settled on Sandoria’s cheek. It was the light from Sandoria’s grass. Sandora, who was being tickled, laughed and finally opened her eyes.

“Wow,”

The wind swept Sandoria’s wavy blond hair. It was a pity that the light didn’t come out from our bodies and dazzle us. It seemed that the stars fell from the night sky and settled here. We laughed in the midst of a swarm of lights. Lights circled around us, as if enjoying our attention.

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“Beautiful,”

Sandoria looked at me and smiled brightly. Without realizing it, I smiled back. Our bodies rose to the sky when our fingertips touched each other while playing with light in our palms. For a moment I was frightened and held Sandorah’s hand. 

It was not until the light gathered and pooled under our feet when we realized that the lights were forming a staircase. The lights sometimes stuck to our ankles, preventing us from falling. We did not let go of each other’s hands and stepped on the tens of thousands of lights leading to the wall. I stepped, climbed, and balanced on it. Our hands became ropes that guided the other.

The stairs of lights continued over the wall. We walked slowly down the stairs, leaving behind the hut in the distance. As soon as our feet touched the ground, the beautiful lights went up into the night sky like a festival. There they danced and waved among themselves. The lovely gesture made me and Sandoria laugh to our heart’s content.

Everything in the world has light. That night, we finally understood the meaning.