The physicians talked long and lengthy explaining that it was no one's fault, really, for she was taking care of herself at the best of her possibilities, it was just one of those unpredictable things. The child had no fate to live. When she heard such words from that particular physician's mouth, the motionless Mu Rong An became as though possessed, shrieking and flinging things to the one whose words apparently offended her. What of fate? What did he know of fate! The poor man could only bow and let out a stream of apologizes yet the general's wife was unwilling to listen, unwilling even, to have him in the same room as her. As such he was seen out as fast as the words were ordered from her. The rest of physicians were wiser and said fewer words in fear of bumping into yet another dangerous territory they couldn't handle.
However, was Mu Rong An even willing to listen? They were prescribing things for her recovery, really? She had many others before prescribed things for a safe pregnancy, where did it lead her then!
The city wasn't like the borders, there were more officials here. They were supposed to be safe at this place and since the non-existent echoes of the faraway fights didn't prevent others from sleeping, they had the time then to be leisure and even trying to make connections still. Whether they were sincere or not, Mu Rong An was in no mood to find out and the flock of cards that were sent to her was burnt before even being read. She wasn't willing to make efforts for anyone, not even giving face to the one whose residence she was in. Such thoughts were the furthest possible from her.
***
The servants were quite troubled. Their mistress wouldn't even cry, wouldn't grieve… wouldn't do anything apart staring all day long towards the horizon of her chamber, not talking, barely eating and drinking something when they insisted. They didn't know what to do! It was way too strange.
The box of painting that she usually liked to touch was thrown in a corner, far from sight. And they couldn't help but think that she surely wanted it far from mind too, but couldn't bear destroying it, only having things piled on it, hiding it under miscellaneous items; always faltering between the order for them to get rid of it... or just let it be.
She just sat there, both willing to get up and touch the remainder of what had been her hope yet hating it with every fiber of her being, for not becoming reality, for being the reminder of the horrid truth.
Feng Xi had tried talking to her too, explaining that it couldn't have been her fault. After all, miscarriages in the early three months weren't really rare even in the modern time. But she wasn't sure the other person heard. The latter hadn't even acknowledged her presence.
She reacted though when Feng Xi proposed to let the general know about it.
"It is unnecessary," had come her long unused voice, a hollow sound that didn't even feel like her own anymore.
He didn't know in the first place, now that the infant was gone, what did it matter? It was almost as though it had never been there from the beginning.
Touching her stomach, those thoughts echoed in her mind endlessly, 'it had never been there.'
***
Feng Xi was still getting news from the battleground. So far, nothing went out of tune with what general Ru had designed which was good.
Though the fact that the neighboring country's king died did come as a surprise. Prince Wu Wei's wife died too; she had been convicted of poisoning the king and trying to kill her husband, the prince. There had been proof that it was a conspiracy organized by Nan country's people and for such a thing the prince -now king- was demanding reparation.
Feng Xi's mouth twitched. When the enemy was losing he suddenly got a solid reason to attack? Even threatening their peace treaty? Hadn't he conveniently forgotten that treaty and treated it as joke way before that? Yet now in order to get more allies, he was ready to push the whole blame on others. Even willing, suddenly, to let bygones be bygones if they could come to an arrangement?
Well, no one asked her opinions if such proofs were forged or not anyway, and she wasn't the one calling the shots here, it was their emperor's decision to take.
And when she let the military matters aside and thought a bit about the woman a room away from her she couldn't help but sigh; it wasn't evident to help when the other wasn't letting anyone in.
***
Mu Rong An came around though, by herself. She suddenly went back to smiling again, properly clothing herself, playing on her erhu and go, even mingling with others. Only, that large box containing brushes, sketches, and painting was now nowhere in sight.
Feng Xi looked at the woman from a distance as she talked and smiled with some people. She came around on her own… or did she? Feng Xi narrowed her eyes, wondering and stretched her ears to listen. When someone would try talking about her misfortune to offer some comfort, the general's wife would swiftly redirect the conversation and it didn't take long for the other women to know the other wasn't willing to discuss it; so they tactfully refrain from going there but besides that, their conversation was quite smooth and could even be deemed normal.
As she observed the woman the whole day, for Feng Xi, it appeared to her that this grief-stricken person was in denial.
***
Feng Xi felt quite conflicted. Mu Rong An was going on about her days as if, the person holed up in her room for weeks in the dark wasn't her and if it was really her way of overcoming this, Feng Xi had, initially, not in mind to interfere. After all, there was no correct way of grieving. It had its own part of being personal and related to how every person could cope.
But the more time passed by the more unhealthier it felt to her. No matter how one could see it, this person never cried, even once.
Even when she had locked herself forbidding everyone from coming closer, Feng Xi, who had never been far away, never heard any muffled cry and sometimes, because it was too silent and even her breathing seemed to have fallen short, Feng Xi would have the servants check on their mistress. But the other was just sat on the bed, touching her flat stomach, her gaze far away, so distant and bleak.
Yet this same person was now quite... fine?... albeit unwilling to mourn... Definitely unhealthy.
This person had been left under her protection because the general trusted her, she couldn't bear let him see his wife like this; Feng Xi herself couldn't bear let this situation like this. If this person kept on bottling it up, when reality would kick in... she would be left in pieces! Thus, Feng Xi took the matter in her hand.
At first, she tried having the other talked about it. If she wasn't ignored then she would be retorted with jabs of polite words not hiding the underlying insults and simmering anger. She then tried getting Yan Mi to get some time with Mu Rong An. Yet the other suddenly wasn't fond of the boy anymore and wouldn't see him.
Feng Xi decided that she wouldn't be so polite from now on. She went out and brought back a child. It was a five-month-old little boy whose mother was following behind her.
Mu Rong An, who was playing on her qin felt her fingers shook, the last note straining, almost piercing everyone's eardrum. The sleeping baby awoke in a fright and let out loud terrible wails.
"What's the meaning of this?" Mu Rong An had asked in a brisk tone.
The mother, a friend of Feng Xi made a movement to take the child but decided against it. Her friend had asked a favor out of her and she knew the baby was safe in her hands. So she pressed down her maternal instinct and waited at the side, observing Feng Xi rocking the baby in her arms. Feng Xi didn't respond to Mu Rong An and the other was observing her with narrowed eyes, already calling in the servants to see them out.
Yet no one came in. Feng Xi had already locked the door behind her.
"Your courage is big!"
When the child calmed down, Feng Xi turned then to look at Mu Rong An and as she approached, she could see the general's wife tensing,
"Just hold him for a time," she asked as she knelt and sat by Mu Rong An's side, not minding the deathly glares she was given.
Mu Rong An pursed her lips not making any movement towards the arms stretched in front of her, holding the baby.
"... and I'll leave you alone after that."
She'd take her words for that. She opened her arms and the bundle of clothes was carefully pass to her. Feng Xi motioned for her with her head to look at the baby's face.
It was really a cute little darling, sweet baby that was now making small sounds with his small little mouth. He was quite lively after his previous scare, telling a story of his own, hands stretched that wanted to touch Mu Rong An nonstop but were too small and just patting the air.
With the other's head down, Feng Xi couldn't see Mu Rong An's face no matter what position she tried to peak and could only cross fingers now. It didn't take long anyway, before the general's wife lift her head and Feng Xi felt... her heart sank.
Truthfully speaking, what Feng Xi was after were Mu Rong An's tears, an acceptance of reality, for her to shout, cry or whatnot. Yet the face looking back at her now was stone cold, not even that polite smile there anymore.
"Will that be all?" she asked and Feng Xi found that she lost the voice to talk and just sat there as she saw Mu Rong An beckoned to Ji Fei to come closer and take her child, a small smile as she praised that child's features and hoped for his longevity.
In his mother's arm, the baby was even more lively. He had been soft and warm in her arms, and now it left the place cold and desolate and Feng Xi thought, he was as bubbly as Mu Rong An was dead inside. Feng Xi heart broke in helplessness... Was she far too gone? She hadn't even felt anything when taking this baby in her hands?
Looking at Mu Rong An a bit more, she reckoned that maybe, she had just made the situation worse.
Feng Xi could only sigh in her heart and let Mu Rong An alone for now -physically anyway-. As promised, she managed to find a work for Ji Fei in return for her help and not completely giving up on her idea, she would, from time to time, help Ji Fei take care of the baby choosing spots were the child's voice could be heard by Mu Rong An even if the latter was unwilling to see him.
***
The days kept on coming and going. One morning, as Feng Xi was holding the paper in her hands, she debated with herself if she should talk about it or not. The contains were unofficial things for now. The fight had been ended, two big cities were taken from Fen country. Yet the emperor had apparently consented to the new king's peace offer. This had yet to be made into a decree.
Well, it was good if this could get Mu Rong An to stop ignoring her when they were in the same room and she was trying to engage in a conversation.
"The general is on the road."
The words were said in a low tone when Mu Rong An was alone in her bedroom. It wasn't really correct persay. It wasn't like she had talked with him or that he was written to her; for her informant was a vice general Ru Shan Yong had put her under. However, general Ru has no reason to not be coming back here -well, he couldn't go back to the capital before having an imperial decree specifying so but here was alright, right?
Mu Rong An listened as Feng Xi talked, her fingers trembling slightly so she crossed her hands together without breaking her perfect poise. Somewhere in her bedroom were small papers written by Ru Shan Yong, she herself didn't know where for she had the servants take care of them. They weren't many, couldn't even amount to ten certainly but despite the fact that he had said she wouldn't be hearing from him all that period, he still wrote. There had been discovered traitors in his ranks, he guarded carefully... yet he still wrote even though she knew somewhere in him he didn't completely trust her.
He was never saying much but he still thought about her enough to write.
Yet... she never wrote back.
The first missive had arrived when she was in this city already and she had been tempted to write, actually, she had even written and rewritten many versions of that letter. A thick thing it had been despite Feng Xi's warnings for the time really wasn't good to distract him. Mu Rong An could quite careless about Feng Xi's opinion but thinking carefully, she still wanted to see the surprise in Ru Shan Yong's face herself, so she folded the papers and kept on thinking about what to write... until she couldn't write to him anymore...
She stopped reading his missives too and let them pile... somewhere.
The eyes she never knew she closed were opened as hearing Feng Xi until the end, she just commented lightly,
"That treaty too won't last."
King Wu Wei had broken this previous alliance in just a year after the renewal season, even if he was placing the blame on his father. He would try again certainly when he would deem himself stronger and at that time it would be Hen Ru Ying the emperor and he would march to kill the person himself, originally anyway...
But it was still good that from being assailed Nan country became the became the assailant, even prizing two cities from Fen country.
***
The news somehow leaked that the general was coming to the city and who knew that there were so many people holding grievances against him.
Prior to that, there had been some refugees who were running away from the battleground, who had been admitted into the highly secured city. The original orders were to not let anyone in for an actual place waiting for those people had been made. But those who came were hungry and lost and broken. How would they have the endurance to go through being questioned individually then walked a distance again to another place they saw as confinement?
Some were taken pity by soft-hearted military people and infiltrated in, Feng Xi herself helped a certain number of persons under her male identity known to be one of general Ru's advisor.
One could salute her good-heartedness then for even in this ugly world she still stayed true to herself but at the same time, it could be wondered if attracting troubles and life-threatening situations weren't always the heroine's role for otherwise, would there be then a traitor to burn them all?
They had won, they were celebrating, the idea of danger far away. The imperial decree was made known to everyone and the ever tight secured city finally opened its gates by the mornings. They were now waiting for their heroes to acclaim them.
In the midst of the joyful events, a conspiracy was being prepared while everyone's guard was down.
One night, it wasn't one or two but a great many residences that had been set ablaze as the population was shouting having seen the faraway horses of the waited ones coming here. From joy, their cries quickly had a horrified tone. The guards whose foods and drinks had been spiked struggled to help as the scene became one of slaughters.
For the perpetrators, after those who naturally wanted to see the doom of others, after the traitors who were taking advantage to murder their enemy, after those who had been commissioned and targeted people for political reasons, there were also those refugees who rejoiced in the idea that these military men too would be coming back to a devastated city, to losing family as they had loved their previous ones.
***
The residence where Mu Rong An was, was targeted too. Had been given a particular attention even. Swords were crossing outside as everyone had been gathered inside. That day found it that Ji Fei's little baby was in Feng Xi's care and she cradled the sleeping infant closer to her breast while her eyes were darting everywhere, processing the sudden situation. She had come to tell Mu Rong An that the general's banners were seen that one guard suddenly attacked her from behind, a stroke that she managed to evade.
But now, now the situation was a mess, everyone shouting and she wondered which part of the residence would be the best place to hide the general's wife and this infant so that she too would come out and help with the fight.
Mu Rong An's personal guards were defending her while they were running. There were three of them that had been left to her care by Ru Shan Yong. Each time their swords sliced an assailant, blood would be splashed everywhere. The sight of the red liquid making Mu Rong An all the paler.
Blood, so much blood which had her flashbacked to her bloodied self, crouching down on a bloodied bed begging... pleading.
One of the guards was killed in front of her and she snapped awake as Feng Xi yanked her hand to have her run quicker. Two of her servants following closely.
Mu Rong An and her servants were shoved then in a room which was defended by five of the residence's guards, while the general's guards stood there too. The infant was passed to her by Feng Xi and without looking back, sword in hand, the latter bolted out.
Inside the room, there was the couple who had welcomed her in and some of their servants as well as the concubine. The wife talked to appease her and with a polite smile, Mu Rong An responded that she was alright even inquiring about the others.
Short after, Feng Xi brought in Ah Mei for her security too, going out again in hope to find Ji Fei who she had arranged to work here.
Ah Mei, crossing eyes with Mu Rong An hastily dropped her gaze.
Mu Rong An got up to sit by her, unconsciously putting the baby closer to her chest.
"Why? Nothing to say now, you had so much to talk about last time."
But the other wasn't willing to be her distraction as she resolutely kept her mouth shut, her head not lifting at all. Mu Rong An simply smiled responding a vague something to what the concubine asked of her.
The man of the house was all reassurance, stating how he had his men searched for her and how good it was that she got to arrive here this quickly. This room was a secured one, the windows couldn't be broke from outside and the front was protected by capable guards. Mu Rong An's polite face was on, but her mood wasn't one for cordiality as she jabbed in that the city was supposed to be a secured one too and weren't his guards also those lying dead not too far away in this same residence?
And as if to test her words they heard fighting sounds just in front of the door and Mu Rong An smiled stretched while the others sucked in their breaths.
A difficult situation never coming alone, suddenly one of the residence's maids threw the oil's lamp on the ground and had the candles light it, while a couple of others stabbed the people closest to them.
"Comeuppance has come for you." they were saying with bloodshot eyes.
The deadly shouts recommence here too and death walked around, danced even.
Mu Rong An's servants were fast to come in front of her while she, apathetically, asked the trembling Ah Mei by her side.
"If today was your last day to live what would be your greatest regret?"
The fight was going on, servants against servants, the masters by the opposite side already dead. Outside, they noticed that something was wrong and wanted to force the entry here but the doors had been locked and the fire had spread there.
Ah Mei, didn't want to die... she absolutely didn't want to die...
"It is just death anyway..." said the voice near her as though reading her thoughts with those pallid eyes of hers.
This person... this person... she was ready to die... Ah Mei's tears couldn't stop running. Why was she so collected? Were they really going to die no matter what?
The infant couldn't sleep any longer and start with small sobs before wailing loudly in Mu Rong An's embrace letting her remember that she actually had this small one in her arms still.
As though jogged to reality by the child's scream, Ah Mei became a louder teary mess too.
"I don't want to die" she whimpered shakily. "I have yet to accompany Feng Xi, I have yet to return to grandpa... I don't want to die. I don't want to be strangled... I don't want to be stabbed... I want to die of old age," Her voice was broken and full of sobs.
"Well, you won't have to be stabbed" interrupted Mu Rong An. From what she could see, all the assailants had been handled, one servant of the house still alive and her two servants too, who were now looking for an escape from this rapidly burning room. "But chances are greater to die suffocated," It was almost as though that death didn't concern her.
To the still collected noblewoman who was just looking at her, Ah Mei finally lost it and started shaking the other,
"Aren't you going to die too?" But the other just smiled so she shook even harder, "You, you..., how can you be the general's wife,... Feng Xi would have found us an exit!" Obviously, she should be a brave one who had an answer to everything was saying the scared brain of Ah Mei.
The slap that followed this sentence was resounding even in the burning room. Anger came to Mu Rong An's rescue as nothing else could have done. Her eyes were thunderous. She would not let it be, that even to her very end, she had to be compared to others. Really, if this person was this anxious Mu Rong An didn't mind helping her leaving this world earlier!
At the other side of the door then Feng Xi's voice was shouting, which had Ah Mei scrambled on her feet, newfound hope in her eyes. The servants too weren't idle and were trying with all their might to take down the windows so they would run there for everywhere around the door was inflamed and the air was becoming smokey and hard to breathe.
They were coughing then. Things started to fall from the roof on their heads. The baby was wailing and she could only cradle him closer.
The idea of her death didn't phase her much but looking at this small, tiny little thing in her hand, who couldn't even cry normally anymore, she found she was a bit unwilling to see him disappear too. A phantom pain tore at her stomach. The pain of living. She bundled his cloth so that he wouldn't inhale too much smoke, wishing he could have more oxygen than he was having now.
The servants finally broke one side of the window, theirs fingers all burnt, shouting for them to come quickly. The room they were was upstairs, they had an exit but couldn't jump yet. Things get falling down.
Feng Xi had people gathered down with clothes asking them to jump.
The residence's maid jumped first and was safely taken back, followed by Ah Mei. The two servants asked Mu Rong An then to jump before them, but the woman only passed the small little boy to one of her maids and pushed her to jump. Both landed safely. The wood above the window broke and the other servant jump in reflex but Mu Rong An was now trapped in the blazing room with no escape.
She never planned to escape in the first place. Her hand on her flat stomach, a faraway pain far more horrible than the burning she was feeling now had demanded her to stay. Fate was too cruel, she rather damned it all.
Living day by day was so painful. Far too painful.
At the outside, Feng Xi was shouting her name.
Dying, she really hadn't thought of dying but now that the opportunity was there, why let it go? As she was coughing in this unbreathable atmosphere, her lungs seemingly ablaze too she felt that she regret getting rid of her poisoned earrings. She could have used it now. taken it. The fire in her chest was so uncomfortable. She couldn't breathe.
Another voice was now shouting her name. She thought it to be his.
She... concerning him... she really wished, she could have seen his face as she presented him their child. She had had so much ...love for this unfortunate one. Would have cherished him. This child... she had no fate with.
In the end, she would have just been a stone in general Ru's road; he tripped but didn't fall. And soon, he will certainly forget how that annoying stone even looked like.
Was she monstruous to, even near her last breath, hated the idea that he won't be happy because of her? Was it bad to wish for him to stay single, never forgetting about her? To mourn for her as though he really cared?
Suddenly the faraway shouts were now nearer, many people's voice and a louder want, asking her, commanding her to stay the furthest from the door. Later an explosion as the burning door was blown. Her name was shouted and it had never been so loud, the voice had never been so desperate.
Whether she imagined it all or not, she couldn't be sure and she lost consciousness, her hand on her stomach, a prayer on her lips.
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