Chapter 41 - Protect

Mildred had taken me back to the palace. The sun had disappeared once we were back in the palace. Mildred went to her room while I went to mine.

After laying in the bed, it seemed sleep would not come to me. Though my body was weary and tired, my mind refused to sleep.

My eyes stared meaninglessly into the ceiling.

I started to think about what I said before in my light drunken state.

In reality, I didn't know those were my actual thoughts.

I guess they had been buried so far that I had been able to fool myself entirely.

The only thing I was thinking before then was to become more powerful. I just wanted to be stronger so that these horrible things didn't happen.

Even if Mildred, Ela, Ned, Alyx, and Erin did not remember what we have been through...

Even if any power I got would be lost when I died.

Even if I was weak.

I wanted to be strong to protect them all.

I just wanted to be able to live without worries with them.

But...

It seems my heart disagreed with me.

My willpower wasn't iron.

It was easily shaken... and broken.

It felt so easy to just give up.

Every step forward, I would crumble a little more.

So... what happens when there is nothing left?

When I can no longer fight?

...

After throwing the blanket off me, my hand pushed open the door to my room.

The palm of my other hand was rubbing against my temple.

Alyx was standing in the hallway.

Her eyes were glazed over and puffy, like mine. Her head was ever so slightly lowered and was frowning lightly.

Even though my presence was right in front of her, it was as though she could not even see me.

My finger lightly scratched the side of my head.

"Hey..."

Alyx blinked, then slowly turned to me.

"Hello... My name is Alyx, what is yours?."

Oh yeah... I'm a stranger right now.

"Jay."

There was a moment of silence in the hallway. A bitter chuckle escaped me.

"I guess we can't really sleep, huh?"

Alyx smiled for a moment before it turned back into a slight frown.

"It appears to be that way, yes..."

There was another moment of silence. Alyx looked up and faced me.

"So what brings you out here?"

My head tilted to the side.

"...Haha, I guess reality is hitting me in the face. That I was never someone strong enough to protect someone else."

Alyx covered part of her face with her hand.

"Ah... is that so?"

Alyx smiled bitterly.

"Is anyone truly strong enough to protect someone else?"

My lips slowly parted.

"What?"

Alyx shook her head.

"Well, trying to protect yourself is already hard enough, you know? How are you supposed to extend even further and reach others?"

Memories of Mildred floated up to the surface.

My head shook.

"Some people can do it..."

Alyx laughed bitterly.

"Really? How sure are you about it?"

My brows furrowed.

"...I am pretty sure."

Alyx walked to a wall and leaned on it.

"But... are things always as they seem? As simple as we wish it to be, it always ends up infinitely complicated."

The palm of my hand rubbed against my temple.

"That sounds like an exaggeration."

Alyx's fingers reached out to the tips of her long hair and played with it.

"Let me tell you a story."

The corner of my lip twitched, but my back still leaned on the wall next to Alyx.

Alyx raised a few strands of hair and looked at it.

"For most of my life, I was muddling along. Unsure of what the future would bring, unsure of what happened in the past, and unsure of even what was going on in the present. I was never good at anything, nor could I get the motivation to work hard."

Alyx's eyes glazed over.

"But... one day a little girl came up to me, she was called Erin. For no rhyme or reason, she greeted me with such a beautiful smile and innocent eyes. It was a little splash of color in such a dull world. Unknowingly, I had already greeted her back."

Alyx sighed.

"Erin went off to play at the beach. As for me, the reason I was there had already escaped me. My eyes were unable to leave Erin and I was unconsciously walking towards her. She had a bright smile on her face, enjoying things for what they were, as small as it all was."

Alyx closed her eyes.

"She was pure innocence. It was the first time I had ever seen innocence. I... wanted it so bad. Even if it was only a little, there was a desperate urge inside me to cling on."

Alyx began twirling her hair.

"First I was just following her, as she skipped along. Then she started to run. From then on, I could no longer lie to myself, I was chasing after her."

Alyx's fingers paused.

"But even though she wasn't trying, she ran faster than me. My body was too weak to keep up. Soon I began panting, running as fast as I could, yet she slipped just a little more from my grasp every second."

Alyx held a few strands of hair between her thumb and index finger.

"Then... I lost her. I had no idea where she went. My head looked in one direction, then another. Was she this way? Or that way? The hesitation made my feet unable to move. While the feeling that she was getting further and further made despair crawl in my heart."

Alyx's index finger and thumb pressed hard on the strands of hair.

"It felt so lonely. My breathing became erratic and a panic attack settled in. Then... there was crying in the distance. Before I could even process what it meant, my legs desperately ran towards the crying."

Alyx's knuckle became white.

"Despite being so tired, it was like my body could not even recognize it, making me fly towards her. Soon Erin came into my vision. She was curled up in a ball as a small dog was slowly approaching her."

Alyx's breathing became uneven.

"I was never a brave person. Yet I was standing in front of Erin and would not back down. It was so scary, but whenever I thought about Erin who was behind me, my trembling legs would remain standing."

Alyx chuckled.

"In the end, the dog was a coward as well and ran off after a few barks. My legs could no longer support me, and I collapsed onto the ground. Erin rushed over and wrapped with me a soft hug."

A small smile formed on Alyx's face.

"She kept asking me if I was ok, but I was more than ok. It was the best I had felt my entire life. Erin's embrace felt so warm... and comfy."

Alyx opened her eyes.

"From then, it was always me standing between Erin and whatever scared her."

A small sigh escaped from Alyx's mouth.

"I would always be by her side, to help her out with even the small things."

A small frown emerged on Alyx's face.

"At some point in time, I believed I was the one that sheltered her. I believed that without me, Erin would be unable to live her life properly. Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that I was strong."

The inner corner of Alyx's eyebrows twitched and angled upwards.

"Just earlier today, Erin and I were practicing spells. I was so excited when I thought there was something special about the magic I had access to. Yet, the only thing I could do was stare helplessly at my spellbook."

A tear fell down Alyx's face.

"Then... It hit me hard. Erin was able to cast a spell so effectively that it awed everyone. Her spell caused the earth to rise, suddenly pushing me up so high. While Erin was already able to cast powerful spells, my mind could not even begin to comprehend one."

Tears streamed down Alyx's face as she smiled.

"I realized it was never me protecting Erin. It was Erin that helped me up. She was the pillar that supported my fragile heart. She was the only reason I had to push forward."

Alyx began to sniffle.

"Without her... I would be unable to remain standing. She was the one protecting me."

A raging headache washed over me.

My hand was clutching my head tightly.

Mildred... when she was comforting me... when I was spilling out all my insecurities...

She seemed so strong. It was like she had it all figured out. But...

Mildred's voice rang out in my head.

'Maybe I put it the wrong way but... I really don't think that I'm that different from you.'

'After all, I've given up already...'

She was struggling too. Trying to find a reason to keep moving forward.

A tear fell down my face as a smile formed on my face.

"I understand now... how people protect others."

Alyx choked between her sobs.

"Pathetic isn't it?"

My head shook.

"No... no... I'm sure Erin protected you, and that it was no lie she was what kept you standing."

My mind recalled the time Mildred caught me. When my will to move forward was thrown aside.

"But Erin was held up by you too. There was never someone shielding the burden of another."

Alyx's eyes drifted to me.

My eyes gradually shifted to Alyx.

My sight could barely make out Alyx's blurry outline.

"There were only two weak fools, holding onto each other for warmth."