Chapter 60 - For Oneself

Osric and Mark remained there silently.

My hand clutched my head.

"I... don't get it."

Leon sighed.

"Has someone died while you had the capability to save them?"

My head shook.

"Maybe? I... wouldn't know."

Leon's expression became stern.

"Exactly, you don't know. People that would've died without your help are everywhere. How are you supposed to know without attempting to seek it out?"

The memories of the slaves and the kid that was beaten to death rang out in my mind.

"...Maybe?"

Leon looked off into the horizon.

"At any moment a person may have died from starvation. If you found that person and gave them you could've saved them. Yet even though they suffer a slow and painful death, you feel no guilt or remorse."

My eyes narrowed.

"But... that guy killed so many people. That was obviously wrong right?"

Leon clicked his tongue.

"Noah's case is different. He killed countless for a fruitless purpose. For one to achieve their goals, naturally people that may have lived, will die. Even if the goal was to save others. While furthering yourself, sacrifices are inevitable.

Leon's hand clenched into a fist.

"After all, only one person can stand at the peak."

For some reason, Leon's arguments just didn't make sense to me.

"Why do people have to be sacrificed?"

Leon shook his head.

"You cannot save everyone. Even if you use your own life so that everyone else could live, you still sacrificed someone, no?"

My teeth grit.

"What?"

Leon sighed softly.

"You sacrifice yourself. You sacrificed your time, effort, and happiness for the sake of others."

Leon frowned.

"But what for? Every person deserves to fight for their own right to live. If it becomes morally impermissible to enjoy your own life, what reason is there left to live?"

My mouth dried up.

"But... but..."

Leon continued after my stammerings trailed off.

"Recall what your life has been up to this point. Have you never done something that others would consider selfish? Or perhaps you yourself would consider selfish?"

Erin's words came back to me.

'...The other me will probably appreciate that.'

...I ran away. Many times, there was a problem that I did not want to deal with, I ran away. The times when I ran to the forest may be so that the future would be better, but the people I cared for in the present were still neglected.

"Yes... I have."

Leon gave me a blank stare.

"Have others ever died from your method of solving problems?"

My eyes glazed over.

...I killed the slave traders. My mental state was affected by the snow but...

I had no remorse.

Maybe my actions would be the same even if my mind wasn't affected by the snow.

"Yes..."

Leon had a deep look at me.

"Have you ever put other's lives at risk?"

...The boy.

When that boy was taken hostage by the slave trader, I neglected his life.

In my mind, since the slave trader's only way out was that kid, I thought that it would be impossible for him to have the conviction to kill him. That it would be akin to plunging the knife into himself.

But... if he really thought he was going to die anyway, he could've just killed the boy out of sheer bitterness.

...That possibility seemed insignificant to me at the time.

"Yes..."

Leon sighed.

"Let me explain the world to you a little more."

Leon lifted his staff up and caught it with his other hand, holding it horizontally.

"We are not god."

Leon's eyes carefully inspected the slight ridges and grooves in his staff.

"Perhaps we wish to change this world, so that it becomes a utopia. Yet, how are you supposed to know if your actions are truly beneficial?"

One of Leon's hands released its grip on the staff.

"The world will always be infinitely complicated, beyond our own understanding. The only truth we can find will only ever be a small fraction. In fact, the more we learn, the more uncertainties come up."

Leon's free hand slowly traced the side of his staff.

"Perhaps an action may be seen as selfish. Yet, what if that action grants one great power? The power to save countless others, which you act upon? Then perhaps that action was correct, as it gave you the new capability of bringing greater good."

Leon's hand stopped.

"But how are we supposed to know that? What if the action simply ends up being selfish with no real purpose. You may die before your good intentions are carried out and deprive someone else of their opportunity to benefit the world."

Leon's index finger reached out and continued methodically sliding down the staff.

"The magnitude of the consequences will always be incomprehensible to us. In the end, our own life is what we have the most control over. Someone may be able to restrict our movement, but cannot stop us from struggling. Someone may pierce a blade through our chest, ending our life. But they cannot stop us from cursing them in our last moments."

Leon's finger reached the end of his staff.

"Since we are able to control our own life, we are responsible for our own happiness. To carry out actions that may lead to our own fulfillment. This does not have to contradict what others think, nor does it have to go against what we believe is morally permissible."

Leon shifted his grip on the staff, holding it vertically.

"However, it is inevitable that we come to situations where our goals conflict with others. Perhaps even people we care deeply about. But how are we supposed to know what another person may do? Sure, we may help them and concede our own interests, but what is to say they will do the same down the line?"

Leon had a deep look at me.

"You can help others, but what if they end up killing? You do not know if the people you save become murderers or simply die off meaninglessly. Perhaps you have satisfied your little moral compass, but whether your actions truly did any good is questionable."

I fell to my knees.

The boy who was hostage... he killed someone for their food. All of the slaves... perhaps every single one of them did the same before, and intended on doing it after they were saved.

Perhaps they would eventually become the new slave traders, capturing and tormenting others. Then new slaves would be created and the suffering would continue.

Perhaps that is how evil resurfaces.

Leon began walking closer to me.

"The only person that we know will look out for us, is ourselves. Thus, even if your actions hurt others right in front of you, that should not be the sole determining factor of your decision."

My mind was unable to come up with a counterargument. But... it still felt wrong to me.

"We can still try, right? ...Kindness has to start somewhere."

"Their actions are their own. They can choose to help others or further their own interests. Perhaps they may have been shown kindness, prompting you to believe they should do the same. But you are not them. You cannot force them to be kind."

The inner corner of my eyebrows arched upwards.

"...But that makes such a cruel world. Where everyone simply crawls up to the peak, you never catch anyone else if they fall and are unable to rely on someone else to catch you when you fall. Is that not... a lonely journey?"

Leon pointed his staff at me.

"And who is to say that? Having relationships with others does not conflict with what I have said. You can become closer to others, and befriend them. Have we not done the same? Even if it may be on a more superficial level. We value their presence from this relationship, and it naturally means we wish to keep them with us."

Leon sighed softly.

"Once we befriend others, this naturally means we value their lives over others we have not. This is natural, and they are likely to do the same. Even if others suffer from the decision to help our friends, few care to empathize with the people they have never met. Yet, what gives us the right to say their life is worth more than others?"

I remained silent.

Leon pulled back his staff.

"Nothing. We do not have the right to judge the worth of a life. But you never needed the right to do anything. This world will never give you the right for anything, you have to fight for it yourself."

Leon got down on one knee to match my height.

"One will always sacrifice others for the sake of their own. How many people could one have saved if one actively went out to seek those that needed help? If one is fine with others dying from their inaction, yet shy away when the consequences are right in front of one, they are simply a hypocrite."

I could not understand what he meant.

But I came to a new understanding.

That the value of a person's life is insignificant to Leon.