Chapter 90 - To Make A Choice

Ned chuckled.

"Well, since this is clearly your first time, I think you should be the goose."

Erin smiled.

"Yes! Yes! Let's start!"

Alyx brushed her hair aside with a smile that spoke of helplessness.

"We aren't staying up late though, ok?"

Erin giggled.

"Ok, ok!"

Ned, Erin, and Alyx sat in a circle, leaving me as the lone person standing.

My hand scratched the back of my head.

"So... how exactly does this work?"

Ned laughed.

"Basically, you tap each of our shoulders and say duck as you go. Once you have made your choice, you say goose and begin running around the circle."

My eyes blinked a few times.

"Ah, I see."

So... I kept saying duck until I made my choice.

My hand lightly tapped Ned's shoulder.

"Duck."

From there, I continued to the left, tapping Erin's shoulder.

"Duck."

...Making a choice, huh?

The next person in line was Alyx, so I tapped her shoulder.

"Duck."

I've always been making choices, now that I think about it.

"Duck."

Well, saying choices is quite a vague way of putting it. I guess I mean choices in terms of people.

"Duck."

In the lives I've lived, sometimes I would choose to listen to someone. Sometimes I would choose to spend time with another.

...Sometimes I would choose to spend time with nobody at all, focusing on myself instead.

"Duck."

But...

Was that wrong?

Every time I choose to help someone, it's the same thing as choosing to disregard everyone else.

"Duck."

There was one time I attempted to help some slaves, releasing them from their capture. As for their lives after that, it may not have been the best, but it was better than before.

"Duck."

But that was the only time I helped them. In every other life, they were under the slave trader's reign, suffering.

The same went for the others in the palace, the ones I cared about. Despite how much Mildred helped me in the past, I never bothered patching up our relationship now.

Instead, my focus was on learning spells.

"Duck."

There was the time I listened to Ela's story. She explained why she always attempted to help people, even though it wasn't required. That she had hesitated before, which came at the cost of her brother.

By listening to her, I was able to make Ela cut herself some slack. That way, she wasn't taking on an unnecessary burden.

But... I only did that once.

What about all the other times?

She must have been torturing herself, working so hard yet thinking it wasn't enough. That she was unworthy because she wasn't able to help every single person.

...To the point where she neglected the person she was supposed to care the most about.

Herself.

Yet, I did nothing about it. I let her suffer in all those other lives.

"Duck."

But...

How was I supposed to make my choice?

How was I supposed to know which way was the best?

Should I be taking time with the others around me?

But what about the rest of the world? If I don't become strong enough, then this cycle of misery will simply continue.

No... not just them, but even the people close to me.

In the end, winter was going to spell our doom. That meant if I could not do something about it, the only outcome was starving to death or dying after being attacked.

So long as I haven't become powerful enough, I won't be able to save everyone.

...But that meant I would have to neglect everyone else.

"Duck."

Deep within my mind, a memory sprouted out.

My body was laying in a bed, while Erin was sitting in a chair next to me. She had spent quite some time watching over me because I blacked out.

At that time, I told her I was leaving, because only with power could I save everyone. 

Then Erin told me...

'...The other me will probably appreciate that.'

At the time, that sentence passed straight through my mind. It didn't seem important. But now, I realized what Erin was trying to say.

She was telling me to stay.

That instead of going on this fleeting climb of power, we could enjoy our time together. Even if we would die in the end.

...But doing that would be neglecting the other in the future. Since I haven't become stronger, I will be unable to help those other people.

"Duck."

So... what was I supposed to do?

What was the right choice?

By throwing myself into this struggle of power, I sacrificed time that could've been spent with my friends.

That had already happened in this life. Instead of talking with them, I chose to memorize the spell called 'Controlled Vines'.

Only when they have personally called out to me did I stop. Only then did I decide to consider that they had feelings as well.

On the other hand, there was the consideration of the entire world. The amount of misery they suffered from was immeasurable.

"Duck."

Was it right for me to neglect the rest of the world?

In reality, I've already been doing that. Realistically, every day I spend in the palace is a day I could've used to sharpen my skills in the forest. By choosing to stay here, I've essentially given up on making the most of that.

Every day...

I've been neglecting someone.

Whether it be the people close to me or the vast majority of the world.

What kind of person does that make me?

...Doesn't that mean I'm an awful person?

Someone so selfish that I can't even-

"Jay?"

Erin called out to me.

She looked at me with her beady eyes.

"Are you ok?"

My eyes blinked a few times.

"Ah, sorry."

Ned laughed.

"You have to choose someone, eventually!"

Alyx rolled her eyes.

"Seriously, what are you doing? I get this is your first time... but you should have at least some trace of common sense, right?"

My hand scratched the back of my head as an awkward laugh came up from my throat.

"Sorry, sorry. I guess I'm just really indecisive."

Alyx sighed.

"We can take time to make our decisions, but that doesn't mean we can spend all the time in the world on them."

She shrugged her shoulders.

"After all, it might not be the best decision, but there is little we can do about that."

Ah...

I guess that's right.

How was I supposed to know what the optimized outcome was supposed to be?

I was not a god.

So why was I pretending to be one?

Erin giggled.

"If you never choose, you can't become a duck! The goal of the game is to be a duck so that you can sit and take a rest!"

She tilted her head to the side.

"If you are so indecisive, there will never be a break for you!"

A small smile emerged on my face.

"Ah, right."

Erin whispered to me.

"Since I gave you that advice, you have to pick me next!"

A smile uncontrollably spread out on my face. One of my eyes closed, shooting a wink at Erin.

"Gotcha."

My hand tapped on Alyx's shoulder.

"Duck."

Then Ned's shoulder.

"Duck."

...Now Erin was next in line.

I purposely waited a few extra seconds. Then, when Erin turned to look at me curiously, my hand swiftly tapped her shoulder.

"Goose!"

Not bothering to wait for Erin, my legs took me around the circle. As for Erin, she hopped to her feet before immediately dashing in the other direction.

Erin was fast.

It wasn't like my steps were purposely slow, but by the time we passed each other, I had only traveled one-third of the way while Erin had traveled two-thirds.

So... my steps sped up.

My body was weak, but I ran faster than I could've ever imagined. My hair was blown aside in the wind, making me feel like I was flying.

Then, right before Erin made it full circle, I slid into the spot she was sitting.

Erin's eyes widened.

"What! I thought I was going to win for sure!"

My hand scratched the back of my head. A cheeky smile spread out on my face.

"Well... I wanted to take a break. So I made sure to steal it from you."

Erin giggled.

"I'll get you next time!"

Turns out I was being a hypocrite, of sorts.

Like Ela, I was taking on the responsibility of every little thing that there was to take responsibility for.

I criticized Ela for caring about everything else rather than herself.

Yet here I was, doing the exact same thing.

Erin puffed her cheeks, then went around tapping our shoulders, saying duck as she passed by.

When she came to Alyx, she yelled out goose.

Erin was much faster than Alyx, beating her easily.

A small laugh escaped me.

I guess sometimes it wasn't enough to know something was wrong.

Sometimes it could slip right by you, turning into what you swore to never be.