Chapter 49: Doubts

Kyrie lifts up his head and looks at Ian. Looking that Kyrie is okay, Ian sits back on top of his calves since Kyrie had no intention to stand up just yet. Between them, there is a silence that speaks a lot. The tension runs through their skin like a chill from an unexpected cold breeze. They both know that one had to talk, but no words come out. Especially Ian, who has much to say, but his words are getting stuck in his throat, causing his chest to weight heavier. He feels the weight crushing into his lungs and heart. Self-conscious of their eye contact, Ian looks away down to the floor. A silver chain around Ian's neck catches Kyrie's eyes when he looks through the gap on Ian's collar.

[Do I really like you as an idea?]

Kyrie wants to smile at Ian like his usual self, but the smile comes out weak. Ian's brows knitted when he sees the odd mood in Kyrie. Kyrie has no energy to fix his expressions like he used to do. The thought that he might be liking Ian as an idea is draining him more that he thought.

"Is something wrong?" asks Ian.

"No, I am just tired... A lot of things happened today," says Kyrie.

"He is not telling me anything again..." thinks Ian as he looks at Kyrie's downcasted mood.

[Before I came here, I knew there was no return. However, I was willing to spend everything on Ian. I came here with the thought that I will save him no matter what. I came here to take care of him because he had no one. I am... I am just doing such a terrible job...]

Ian deepens his frown as his shoulders are tensing up. All his muscles are tense from drawing back. He feels his body is hiding back inside.

[But... I can't tell him. I am afraid... What if I lose him after telling the truth? What if he also saw all these as my delusion of loving a version of himself that did not exist yet?]

"I am scared. Is it because I will not be able to take the truth?" thinks Ian.

[But I know... I still love him regardless...]

Kyrie lifts his heavy arm, with his finger, he smooths out Ian's frown. Ian looks at Kyrie's pale face. His body relaxes while looking at the man in front of him.

"Kyrie is also having a hard time - a hard time expressing himself. He is drowning himself. He is drowning from all the things he cannot say," thinks Ian.

Kyrie extends his arms out and acts spoiled.

"I have no energy to stand up…" pouts Kyrie.

Ian stares at him, perplexed, but Kyrie keeps swinging his arms up and down for Ian to take him. Ian sighs in defeat and wraps Kyrie's arm around his shoulders so that he can lift Kyrie up. He takes Kyrie to the nearest couch and carefully drops him. Kyrie pats the place on his side and tilts his head towards that side to indicate for Ian to sit next to him. When Ian sat, Kyrie then puts his head on Ian's shoulder and closes his eyes. He feels the gentle rising and falling of Ian's breathes. Like a baby, Kyrie lets Ian carry his weight. After all, he came specially for these moments that he can spend together with Ian. He is having a hard time telling Ian, although he knows that Ian should know some of the things he knows.

"Kyrie?" Ian calls Kyrie after some minutes of silence.

However, Kyrie does not respond. He does not want to speak to Ian right now. His head is too full and too loud; he knows that it would be bad to slip up on words that he does not mean to say.

Ian, believing that Kyrie is asleep, puts his head on Kyrie's head. He stares at the dark lounge. The lounge looks so empty without the usual guests that the inn would receive.

"I wonder all the time about why you chose me instead of all the people that you could have chosen. At first, I was thrilled and did not think much about it. I still don't have the answer despite spending already all this time with you. I don't see why you could have chosen me. I am only special because of my curse, but who wants a curse?" Ian says.

[hm? Why is Ian suddenly speaking like this?]

"Sometimes, I feel like you already have known me for a long time. You are giving me your everything, but we have just met. This puzzles me, but you never say anything. You seem so perfect, like a dream. You came into my life like I have done something big to deserve it," says Ian.

[…]

"I know that you are hiding a lot of things, but I cannot bring myself to ask you. I want to wait for you, but every day, it is getting harder. I really don't know what to do. Is this a space I should give you? Should I accept this because it is your personality?"

[Ian… I…]

"However, after you met that person in the forest of Labam, you seem to have nightmares almost every night, mumbling about things that I don't understand. That is when I realized that I don't know you as much. Will I make you want to leave if I ask of you to tell me the truth? Is it too painful, so that is why you cannot tell me? You seem to be drowning from the pain. Will it help if you let it all out? Do you think it is selfish of me if I ask you that way?"

[…]

Ian closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath. After Kyrie feels Ian's breath deepening, he opens his eyes. He gently lifts Ian's head off him and then carefully laying Ian down on the couch.

His hesitations and selfishness are wreaking havoc with Ian's emotions and progress. He stretches his arm to brush off Ian's hair strands on top of his eyes. Then, the silver chain catches his eyes again.

[Ian had a chain like this before?]

He reaches towards Ian's neck and slides his hand on the silver chain. He slowly pulls, and the chain slowly glides on his hand. Then, the pendant gets stuck on Ian's collar.

"Kyrie..."

Kyrie turns around and looks at Imogen with her eyes opened wide. Nervousness runs across her face.

"I thought you were going to get some sleep... You can take more time with Laurel," says Kyrie.

"She is sleeping, so there is no point for me to stay by her side," says Imogen.

Imogen's eyes narrowed, fanning out her eyelashes. Her eyebrows pinch. She looks behind Kyrie and then back to Kyrie.

[Why is everyone acting so weird? Did I miss something?]

"What is it?" asks Kyrie.