24 Determination

Awkward tension was in no short supply in the courtyard.

Liu Sumeng looked from Xu Hexian, who tilted his head at him in question before veering his gaze towards Yuan Xuelan, who was staring at him with strange, wide eyes and taut lips. He said, "If you wanted to learn, I will teach you." As always his words were blunt and forceful.

"Huh, well guess that saves me the trouble, but Meng-xiong is strict like a general, you know?" Xu Hexian casually remarked, unaware of the strangeness happening between the other two.

"N-no!" Yuan Xuelan was loud in his protest, cutting Xu Hexian off, "who said I was interested in your sword technique!?"

Xu Hexian raised a brow at those words. Dear Young Master Yuan, weren't you just talking about Meng-xiong's style a moment ago? He thought quietly to himself.

"If I needed your help I would have asked for it, so just go away ok? Shoo. Leave me alone." Yuan Xuelan was stubborn and even had the audacity to make little shooing motions with his hand, trying as he could to get Liu Sumeng to back off.

But the Ivory Sword Saint only stood there, chewing his bottom lip. There was a slight knit in his brows as his thoughts turned dark. What he'd feared had come true again. For whatever reason, Yuan Xuelan despised him so much after their mission at Zu Village that he couldn't even bear the sight of Liu Sumeng anymore! For a second time!

Except this time he'd kept his memories and he was at a total loss over what exactly had set Yuan Xuelan off. Just what did he do? What had he done that was so hateful?

"...am I, despicable to you?" Liu Sumeng's voice was low and heavy, he couldn't even raise his eyes, embarrassed by his feelings and his words.

"Uh-" Xu Hexian had never seen such a vulnerable-looking Liu Sumeng and was at a complete loss for words and stood frozen like an idiot. Alarm bells rang in his head, telling him that he needed to soon retreat and that he really had no business staring at them both like a gawking fish.

Yuan Xuelan was also shocked, in fact, he felt downright attacked! With his heart racing like a wild stallion and he didn't even realize the words that were coming out of his own mouth, "Who ever said that? Stop looking like a kicked dog! Dammit…! Look at me, Liu Sumeng all I said was go away. Are you deaf?"

Liu Sumeng's brows knit farther, "…"

Absurd. It was all absurd. Yuan Xuelan was completely helpless, his nerves strung tight like a bowstring and an itch crawled from his fingertips down to his toes. Why did it feel like his entire body was on fire? Even his throat felt parched and scorched with each word that flew out of his mouth, "Just go away ok? I just want to you go away. Don't you misunderstand, ok?"

"..." No, but he didn't want to go away. Liu Sumeng only wanted to understand. He thought the Zu Village mission had gone well so why? Why did this have to happen again?

Having Xuelan distant, treat him like a nuisance and a stranger was unbearably painful. It was a knife that cut deeper than Silei's flames. And while he told himself to endure. To be patient. To wait. Those thoughts felt hollow and weak even to his own heart.

Yuan Xuelan, please don't hate me. I won't take your Shijie from you anymore so don't hate me.

He couldn't say such childish words but they etched themselves into his heart nonetheless.

Meanwhile, Xu Hexian who bore witness to this entire scene was about to bite off his tongue and spit out blood. What was this anyway? A lover's spat? No, he couldn't take this anymore. He didn't want to watch this anymore. "Meng-xiong? Erm, Meng-xiong?" He tried to little avail. Xu Hexian cleared his throat and said a little louder, "C'mon let's go. He doesn't hate you so it's fine, right?"

He tugged on Liu Sumeng's arm, but the child he was trying to coax was already in his twenties, and taller and stronger than Xu Hexian to boot. If Liu Sumeng didn't want to move, Xu Hexian might as well have been trying to pull on a statue.

"Fine," Yuan Xuelan finally spat, his eyes glaring with emotion at both Liu Sumeng and Xu Hexian, "be that way. I'll leave instead."

"...!" Liu Sumeng reached out, but his hand was slapped down by Xu Hexian, allowing Yuan Xuelan to make his escape. His heart ached and annoyance festered as he shot a glare at Xu Hexian before ripping himself away from the younger's grasp and strode off with wide and brisk steps. A beast was growing and festering in Liu Sumeng's chest, threatening to claw and chewing its way through his heart, lungs, and throat.

He couldn't understand what he did wrong.

He couldn't understand why he was so detestable.

He couldn't understand how to make this younger Xuelan acknowledge him. Respect him. Trust him.

In his last life, it took Chen Anyue's death. In this life…

What could he even do?

Endure? For how much longer? Forever? Because he couldn't even figure out for the life of him how to make Xuelan like him.

How could he even hope to remain at Xuelan's side at this rate? How could he…

Liu Sumeng went back to his room. The sliding door slammed closed with a thudding sound. Liu Sumeng took a shuddering breath. He stood there, back to the door and didn't move, frozen from the torrent within. Shamed welled up in his gut, and he was too afraid to admit that he was running away, hiding, and moping. But his eyes strangely stung and heart was black and heavy. In his past life, while miffed, he did not care for Yuan Xuelan's abrasive and hateful behavior. But he was not the same Liu Sumeng of that time. He became the general who died in the tyrannical emperor's roaring flames. He became a man who could only accept a life by Yuan Xuelan's side.

Liu Sumeng closed his eyes. The stabbing pain in his chest flared and he clenched his teeth, the wound on his gut irate and itchy. He took a breath, and then swallowed it down. And another, and then another, forcing the thrum of emotion coursing through his veins to mellow and calm.

There was a time when Yuan Xuelan would spend the mornings combing his hair. In this memory, a soft voice, older with a rich tone, would call to him, "Sumeng."

Even from within the palace, it was quiet. No one but the emperor dared to intrude upon Liu Sumeng's study and bedroom. There were birds chirping outside, ignorant to the country's turmoil, ignorant to war. It was a spring day like any other spring day, a murky cloudy sky, a chill upon the air, dew drops forming on newly sprouted leaves. Liu Sumeng's muscles and bones were worn and bruised but he didn't mind so much, sitting on the edge of his bed with Xuelan combing his hair. Even this, he'd grown used to.

"Sumeng?" Yuan Xuelan called again, "Are you ignoring me? Are you angry?"

No, not really. But he decided at this point, he might as well pretend to be. So he said nothing and closed his eyes, feeling the silver comb and Xuelan's fingers through his hair. He could fall back asleep like this.

"Sumeng?" The combing stopped. Two strong arms wrapped around his shoulders pulling him into a broad chest. His eyes blinked open and saw the emperor look down at him with a pout, "I already said that I'm sorry, what more could you want?"

Liu Sumeng only smiled that faint smile before pushing himself out of Yuan Xuelan's arms and got off the bed. This older Yuan Xuelan, this emperor Taixu was neither patient, nor merciful or even sane, but to Liu Sumeng there were still moments where he remembered how to be kind. Liu Sumeng stretched his legs and surveyed his own room. "A bath," he eventually said, and then saw the God Slaying Sword lying in its golden box next to his desk. It was the newest thing that Xuelan decided to dump into his hands. An idea lit up in Liu Sumeng's head. "A suit of armor," he said next. To go with that terrifying sword.

Emperor Taixu watched him with intent, silently listening to his demands. Liu Sumeng walked to his desk and touched the reports and the essays on war tactics he'd yet to finish. He made his next request, "A new mare, young, fearless." He then looked back, to meet an intense gaze that came his way. Liu Sumeng turned around and knelt before his emperor.

The emperor smirked and crossed his arms, looking down, "I can give you all those things, and much, much more."

Liu Sumeng dared to interrupt, "One more thing."

"I'm listening, so speak."

"A place by your side."

Emperor Taixu was smiling in a way that was almost a sneer. His brows were furrowed as he tapped a finger against his bicep. He was thinking, contemplating. But Liu Sumeng remained determined, flame alive in his eyes as he continued to kneel there.

Eventually he tossed his head back and laughed. The sound was warm and perhaps not sane, "Very well then! You shall be at my side, General Liu," his expression was a little wild, different from the soft face Liu Sumeng woke up to, "and march with me to cleave off that little demon's head."

The emperor got to his feet and ordered Liu Sumeng to stand before pausing to stare at the bruises around his general's neck and wrists. His smile turned warm, "Hm, but first, let's start with that bath."

Emperor Taixu was a man plagued with madness, violence, and rage. But Liu Sumeng knew that man like the back of his hand, and he, knew Liu Sumeng with the same intimacy. Conversation was easy, misunderstanding scarce.

But that man was also once this sixteen-year-old Yuan Xuelan, and so in the depth of their hearts, shouldn't they be one and the same?

Liu Sumeng pondered at the thought. And then he grasped onto it.

He opened his eyes again, determination renewed. Liu Sumeng understood there were only two options for him from here on out. One, was to force Yuan Xuelan to trust and respect him. To like him and acknowledge him. And the second, was to forcefully remain at Yuan Xuelan's side even if he despised him. Cursed him. Liu Sumeng's hands curled into fists.

Alright, first, he would have to find a way to be liked, starting with fixing that dreadful personality of his!