149 Only a dream

Liu Sumeng was still observing Yuan Xuelan's expression carefully. He wasn't sure how long he could keep a straight face.

The light in the cavern was warm, the hearth heating the otherwise damp air. The orange glow bounced off Xuelan's features, from the angle of his jaw to the elegant slope of his nose. He was growing up well, Liu Sumeng thought to himself, already knowing the features he would have when he was older.

But Emperor Taixu was insane; with eyes almost too wide and a grin that stretched his facial muscles taut. He wondered what kind of expression his cuter Xuelan might wear when he matured fully. 

Would he still fluster so easily? With red decorating his cheeks at such an innocent question? Emperor Taixu only flushed when he was quaking with rage. Or when he had too many bottles to drink and his words slurred with both insult and praise mixed together.

He was so enamored with his ponderings that he hadn't even noticed that Xuelan was growing more and more anxious, fiddling with the hems of his robes and lips pulling down into something between a frown and a pout.

Cute. Liu Sumeng decided to reward him with a kiss, which was readily received. When he pulled away there was a lewd string of saliva that connected them, and the Ivory Sword Saint instinctively licked his lips.

But Yuan Xuelan's brows were still drawn downward, "You…didn't answer my question," he reminded, his voice a little shy.

"Hmm," Liu Sumeng dawdled with his words, wondering what he should say. He felt that neither yes nor no really encompassed the full truth. So instead he said, "What does Xuelan think?"

Yuan Xuelan's face was as bright as a tomato, shoulders drawn up from embarrassment of fear, thinking that there might be a correct answer he would miss. Oh gods, he didn't want to upset Liu Sumeng. Maybe he shouldn't have brought this stupid thing up in the first place, he really felt stupid! Why did he open his big mouth?

Sensing Xuelan's anxiety, Liu Sumeng felt a little bit bad but wasn't really sure about what he could say to soothe him either. So instead he reached out, petting the length of Yuan Xuelan's arm and trailing down to his hand. It was a little clammy but Liu Sumeng didn't mind and entwined their fingers. 

"It's okay." A part of him didn't really understand what he was saying 'it's okay' to yet somehow he had blurted it out anyway.

"..." Yuan Xuelan calmed down a little and decided he wanted to snuggle in closer. His legs were crossed, seated on the rough stone ground. He didn't break his position and scooted in closer so that when he leaned in, he could rest his chin back on Liu Sumeng's shoulder. 

"I…don't know. I think Sumeng might have experience. You seem to know what you're doing."

"I-Isn't that obvious?" Yuan Xuelan stuttered, his face coloring again as he perked up. Liu Sumeng was a little startled at this and tilted his head. It wasn't obvious to him at all and Xuelan's face began to flush again. But he owed Sumeng an explanation and couldn't just wallow in his feelings silently. "What if Sumeng won't- What if I can't…meet our needs or expectations."

Horror gripped his heart at his own words. He looked away, eyeing a particularly interesting slab of stone instead. He waited for some sort of response or answer but he was impatient. Impatient in a way that made him peek upward and catch Liu Sumeng's expression.

And he was awash with warmth at the sight. The storm outside was distant.

Sumeng's smile was gentle and kind, full of patience and adoration. 

"You don't have to worry," he said. 

And perhaps there should have been more that should have been said but Yuan Xuelan did not mind the stilted speech of the awkward words. He decided that he only cared that his Sumeng smiled at him. Besotted with love, he could no longer hold himself back and wrapped his arms around the Ivory Sword Saint again and hugged him tightly.

And the Ivory Sword Saint's arms circled around him in turn, comforting the youth with gentle pats in the back.

Eventually Yuan Xuelan pulled away, his face suddenly bright. This was an expression that Liu Sumeng recognized well from both this life and his last one. 

"What is it?" he asked, curious what idea Xuelan suddenly came up with this time.

"I think we should take a trip to Puju Town. There's a well there that's said to grant lovers good luck. It's on the way so let's go there next."

On the way was a stretch.

But Liu Sumeng was weak to the way Yuan Xuelan pleaded at him with his cute pout and puppy eyes. With a sigh, he ended up saying, "Okay, but we can't stay there for long."

Yuan Xuelan's expression instantly brightened with absolute radiance. 

"Don't worry Sumeng!" In his excitement he leaned in for a quick kiss, "I promise it won't be long!"

…

The storm continued into the depths of night. Yuan Xuelan slept with an arm draped over Liu Sumeng's chest. It was as such in his dreams as well.

Ah, here we go again. He thought absently as the him in his dreams peeled open his eyes. This older him sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. The fatigue gnawing at him was awful and felt real.

The dreams always felt terrible and real. With a groan he got out of bed, stepping over Liu Sumeng and the golden veil that draped around the bed. Cicadas sang outside and his mind was so terribly muddled.

This older Xuelan was convinced that he was being poisoned.

Surely there was someone in his court that was trying to kill him.

But most of his court officials were already dead.

The view outside his bedroom door was one of the gardens. The flowers swayed gently and the emperor in the dream imagined them burning. The red of their pedals would burst into flames, so lovely. They'd match that fire in General Liu's eyes.

Xianlong was left haphazardly on the desk; thrown there when they had gotten undressed. 

It was a beautiful sword, too pure for the emperor's use and thus what better than to give it to his male favorite? He sneered at the thought, fingers ghosting over the blade's hilt as he walked by the desk, feeling the way divine power sizzled at his fingertips. The scabbard was black, inlaid with flicks of elegant blackened metal; made from a material that was difficult to name.

When Liu Sumeng held it in his hands it would glow a myriad of colors, divine and wondrous. But below the emperor's fingertips they were just black.

Perhaps it was a reflection of their souls. That would make a lot of sense.

He sneered at the thought, and when he pulled away from the divine blade he realized that his hand had come away with burns. The sword despised him from the inside out. But if this was a God Slaying Weapon, then did that make him a god?

He laughed at the absurdity of the thought but a part of him believed it true. He might as well be! For not even the heavens could oppose him now, not even…

What was he thinking about again?

He blinked absently, then went over and opened the door to greet the moonlight and stars. It was hot. Humidity stuck to his skin and Xuelan thought the moon was mocking him. For night would come and sleep would not.

If he could replace the moon with the blazing sun and haunt the lands with unending day, maybe everyone else could be haunted by the same sharp gnaw of insomnia as well. He laughed at the thought, eyes curving, becoming glassy with tears.

Absurd! Absurd! Absurd!

But absurdity was the only thing that would give him life nowadays. Even Liu Sumeng's face was boring to look at these days.

Liu Sumeng. That terrible person who received a divine treasure and wouldn't even use it! The emperor hated him! He hated him so much, he--

"What are you doing?" Liu Sumeng was awake, standing behind him with arms folded across his chest. His eyes were narrowed, judgemental, and the emperor hated him. He had taken a coat and draped it over his body, hiding the lovely expanse of scars. When the emperor started and said nothing, this infuriating General Liu continued, "What are you thinking about?"

What was he thinking about?

Was he thinking about anything at all?

A mad grin stretched his lips, drawing out a startled expression. 

A flicker of regret before Sumeng's face stilled again. Fuck, the emperor despised that cold, loveless face. And he thought it was the most punch-able thing he had ever set his eyes upon.

So he did just that.

Raised his fist and--

"Xuelan? Wake up!"

Yuan Xuelan startled awake. Terror, confusion, and fear flared about his heart, making it tremble and race. Like a mindless, deer, driven into a corner his arms flailed wildly, his fist flying and--

Liu Sumeng caught his wrist, "Calm down! It's just a nightmare. I'm here. It's okay."

The Ivory Sword Saint was met with a terrified face, Yuan Xuelan's breath was short with panic even as he looked upon Liu Sumeng.

"I-- You--"

"Shhh…" At a loss, Liu Sumeng shushed him and tried to pull the younger into his arms. But Yuan Xuelan flinched and tried to pull away. "Shhh…" He raised his voice and did not relent his hold, pulling his poor Xuelan into a hug. "It's okay. I'm here."

Yuan Xuelan was frozen stiff, still scared, still horrified, sick. There were a thousand apologies on his lips and he couldn't say a single one, tears pricking at his eyes.

'It's just a dream,' Huo Tang was there in his mind, trying her best to remind him.

But it felt too real. It always felt so terribly real and Yuan Xuelan could not forget the awful visceral feeling that gripped him, the insanity and desire to hurt his most beloved.

How could he have forgotten?

That he was a monster.

A cry wretched from his throat and Liu Sumeng held him tighter, reaching up to cradle his head. "You're okay. It's just a dream…"

But Yuan Xuelan couldn't stop thinking about the sword Xianlong that sat on the edge of the desk. And Liu Sumeng's face just before Xuelan was going to hit him.

How could it only be a dream?

Surely, he was possessed.