35 ??Oh, Zayn??

LEIA

Not even a second later, his reply came.

Zayn: WTH?! Why not?

How could I say this without making him madder? Then I told myself to hell with it. I could make my own decisions without having to answer to him. I would just inform him so he could talk to his lawyer and leave me be.

Me: I thought about it long and hard, Zayn

Me: I don't want a divorce

My fingers hovered over the keyboard as I contemplated writing something else too. I wanted to give an explanation. But it was so wrong that I had talked to him for such a long time without any reason. I shouldn't care what he thought. How he felt.

But I couldn't help it.

It killed me to hurt him like this.

On bated breath, I waited for his reply. I even stood up and walked around in anxiety. Three dots appeared and disappeared. Again and again.

Finally, he replied. Just one word.

Zayn: Why

I had expected him to be angry. To yell at me. Heck, I half expected him to be standing in front of my house. But this calmness . . . it was just a cold wind that would lead to a terrible storm.

Me: You know how our society looks down at divorcees

It was the worst excuse. I certainly didn't care for the standards our society had set up. My religion elevated the level of women. It taught us how important it was to fight back. To ensure we raised our children well.

Living with Ammar would put an end to all of that. It would put an end to me. My child would certainly not have an abusive father.

Zayn: Wow

Me: You're a guy. You wouldn't understand.

Zayn: I'm wondering if I ever really knew you

His words forayed straight away into my heart. I couldn't stop the rush of tears. Until when did I have to hide away from him? I had a plan—without wanting to—of getting married to Zayn after the four months and ten days of my Iddah passed.

Now, everything was going downhill. It was like holding on to a bird which desperately wanted to escape. But for the sake of my child, I would take this step.

I would find out a way and live separately from Ammar. Divorce wasn't possible right now. But as soon as I gave birth, I would be free from him.

Then, I'd figure out where to go from there. That was a promise I made to myself.

Me: We all think we know someone but if we were to cut open their hearts, what we find would astonish us.

Me: Stop trying to look inside, Zayn. It isn't your place.

Three dots again. I waited for an eternity but at the end there was only a little message.

Zayn: Do whateve