19 Friends

"Thanks! Keep the change!"

Johnny's cheerful voice sounded off over his shoulder as he exited the gas station. He carried armfuls of snacks and drinks for our trip. At this point we were about an hour from the North Dakota border. Most of our day had been spent carving a path up South Dakota, and now the Sun was falling on us.

I leaned against the Fox Body's hood looking over our map. I planned our rout out carefully to keep us out of any cities. Just in case my plate number was being looked out for. I had no reason to believe the cops were after us, but I wanted all our bases covered.

"All these snacks are great, but I'm really missing a home cooked meal"

Johnny complained as he tossed stuff into the back seat.

"I'll cook something when we get to my grandpa's"

He paused and stood up still with an arm full of food. I watched him over my shoulder as he gave me a raised eyebrow.

"You can cook?"

I offered a nod as an answer and went back to looking at the map. The odd gust of wind was making it hard to keep the map still. A storm was on our heels, and I was trying to keep ahead of it. Mustangs and ice don't play well after all.

"Yeah I can cook. I'll clean up grandpa's old rifle and see if I can't catch us some dinner. It would be better than going to the supermarket. The less our faces are in public the better"

"Holy shit you can hunt too?"

I laughed a little and began folding the map up.

"Yeah I can. I lived with my grandpa for a good part of my life remember? We hunted, fished, and cooked what we caught."

"Damn... I never knew"

I laughed again a bit more loudly and tossed the map in the back seat.

"You never asked. Besides there is a lot of things about me you don't know"

The two of us slipped into the fox body and made ourselves comfortable. Johnny cranked the heater and cut the radio off.

"Ok then. Consider this me asking. What other hidden secrets does Jack Walker have?"

"Does crippling depression count?"

"Come on. Real answer Jack"

I pulled the car out of the gas station and got us back on the highway. Dark clouds caught up with us smothering out the twilight.

"If I gave away all my secrets then I wouldn't be able to impress you anymore Johnny"

Johnny scoffed and let his seat back a bit.

"You always impress me. Of all the people I've ever hung out with; you are the most interesting. Hands down"

"You only say that because you're biased. We've been through some shit together"

"Ah which makes us best friends! Meaning you should tell me some more secrets"

I let out with a dry laugh and shifted my position to get comfortable for the long ride.

"If I'm your best friend then you've got problems Johnny"

"Well I've never had a best friend, so to me there isn't a thing wrong with you"

"I'm sure you've had other friends"

Johnny looked at the dash board and shook his head.

"I'm sure I might have said something about this before. I never had friends. Sure, I was at every party, sure everyone had my number in their phone, and sure I was everyone's hook up for weed"

Johnny scratched at his head sheepishly before casting a sideways glance at me.

"But that's all I ever was. If I had weed or money people hung around. When I ran out they suddenly had some were to be."

He reached back fishing a coke can out of the back seat. I heard the sharp sound of it cracking open beside me.

"I never needed money to hang out with you. Before I asked you to do that first run with me you were always a phone call away. Even though we didn't talk much before graduation."

He shrugged and took a long gulp from the soda.

"Though I guess you didn't really have much of a choice. Everyone left us in that town"

"That's not true Johnny"

I cut him off. I gave him a soft look before putting my eyes back on the road. At that point snowflakes started to pepper the windshield.

"There wasn't anyone in town sure, but if I wanted to follow all of them bad enough I could have. I stayed for my own reasons, and hanging out with you was a bonus."

"I have never in my life heard anyone describe hanging out with me as a bonus, but thanks."

"You just hung out with the wrong people. If you had found Jess and me earlier it would have been different"

He sighed to himself. The air in the car shifted to something a little more wistful. A little more hopeful.

"Maybe you're right, but I guess we won't know. We might never come back, and you might never see Jessica again."

He and I were silent for a moment. The only noise between us was the dull droning of the car on the highway. After what he said I had to face what I had been thinking since my argument with Adal.

"I really don't have anyone to blame but myself for that"

Johnny stayed quiet. I guess he probably didn't have anything to add to that statement.

"It really fucks me up Johnny. You and I are on the run now because of my stupid mistakes. Tony is dead because of my stupid mistakes."

"Come on you know that isn't fair. They were OUR stupid mistakes. Not just yours. I said yes to every job just like you. It's not fair for you to put all that blame on yourself."

"I guess you're right"

We went silent again. Johnny knocked back the rest of the coke, and tossed the can into a bag at his feet.

"No, you know what? I know I'm right. I won't let you take all the blame. What kind of best friend would I be if I did that?"

I wanted to argue. I wanted it to all be my fault so I could hate myself, but it wasn't that simple. It was half Johnny too, but I couldn't hate Johnny. Not even if I tried. If I couldn't hate him for it then I couldn't hate myself for it. It would have been so easy to just call it all my fault, and go sulk in self-pity.

"Fine, I'll give it to you. We are both dumb asses. Happy?"

"Very"

The snow was falling faster now. Road was starting to get slick as a fresh layer of powder coated it. Johnny let his seat back as far as it would go and clasped his hands behind his head. His baby blues drilled a hole in the roof as his mind was lost in thought.

"Hey Johnny?"

"Yeah Jack?"

I took in a sharp breath and let it out slow.

"We aren't good people, are we? I've been trying so hard to rationalize it, but after what we've done I can't."

"It messes with me too. Knowing I've taken a life. I don't think I have ever had depression, but I hate myself for it. Keeps me up at night knowing I ended a life"

Johnny put his hands over his face, and rubbed his eyes. He let a low groan out before continuing his thoughts.

"I always thought those guys in the movies who do the drug running and the heists were so cool. Scarface was my shit back in the day. Now that I'm living the movies It doesn't feel like I thought it would."

"Of course it doesn't. Your realizing now that we aren't the good guys. We are the bad guys of this story. It's the truth, and it fucking sucks. The only good people here are the ones that get caught in the crossfire"

Johnny sucked in a pain breath. Like someone who just got the wind knocked out of them. It was a thought I had been holding onto since my fight with Adal.

"After all Johnny, we could have just walked away from the start."

In the corner of my vision I could see him nod to himself.

"Amen to that one brother"