23 Who You Are

"Star gazing?"

A sweet voice full of wonder and happiness floated to my ears. I leaned up from the windshield were my head was resting. Jessica was walking towards me. Hands in her pockets and a confident stride about her.

It was dark even with the moon light. I couldn't make out the color of her jacket, but it was a dark color. She stopped a couple yards away smiling softly.

"I guess. Not much else to do."

She shrugged and came closer. I sat up and pulled my right leg up onto the fox body's hood. I rested my arm over that and my chin on my arm. Now I could tell what color it was. The jacket was navy blue and her shirt underneath was black. Dark colors were her style after all so it was par for the course.

"How are you feeling?"

She asked as the smile faltered.

"Like a train wreck. School has got me dead, and then I have to come to school and see Sara every day..."

I trailed off. She leaned against the car with her back to me looking up at the stars.

"You just need to hold on. We don't have too much longer till..."

I groaned loudly cutting her off. I flopped back on the windshield. It wasn't good for my hood doing all the moving and laying on it, but I didn't care much.

"Every time I see her it's like my brain stops working. I can't breathe, and my body gets all hot. I start to sweat, and my heart starts beating like fucking crazy. I can't think, or eat, or speak. When I just think about her I start to get terrified, and I don't even know of what!"

Jessica stood silent. I could see the edge of a frown on the side of her face.

"It's so fucking irrational and I hate it."

"I'm sorry Jack... I wish I could help."

I exhaled hard and stretched my hands over my head.

"You can Jess. Talk to me. What's going on in Jessica's world?"

She turned back to me and leaned on her arms.

"Nothing good, I've actually got bad news."

I leaned up again resting my arm on my knee once more. I gave her a sideways smile trying my best to hide my own growing frustration from my outburst a second ago.

"Hit me with it sister."

She took a deep breath stalling for time before she finally let it out.

"My parents want me to go down South for college. They want me to study to be a doctor."

We sat in silence for a moment. I shook my head to myself.

"That's not what you want to do is it?"

"No... It's not. To be honest I don't really know what I want. I do know that I don't want to be a doctor."

I shrugged a little before waving it off. It was a tad bit more dismissive then I intended it to seem.

"Then don't. If that's not what you want to do then don't go."

"Jack, I can't just say no. They support me. They pay for our house, and my food, and my heat in the winter. I can't just say no."

"Sure you can. Just like this. No. Say it with me now Jessica."

"Jack, I really..."

"Say it. N-O. No."

"Jack, I mean it. I can't tell them no on this. They are paying for everything for me. Without them I am on the street."

I crossed my arms in defiance. Defiance for her since she couldn't seem to find her own.

"Jessica, if you could do anything for the rest of your life what would it be?"

She stopped to think for a second before answering. She turned back around leaning against the car and watching the stars again.

"I think I'd like to make music."

I hopped off the hood of the car and came around to face her.

"There you go! That's a passion! I've seen you make music. You love that stuff. Why not go after that?"

She scoffed and crossed her arms casting her gaze out into the woods. In the direction of the old trail I ran up and down in the fox body.

"As if my parents would support that. It would take so long to start making any money."

"Fuck the money Jess. Don't worry about the money. The money will come. If music is what you love then do that. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks."

"But my parents don't put stock in stuff like that. To them music is just a distraction from real work."

"Then prove them wrong! Don't be afraid to be you Jess."

She stopped arguing still gazing off down the trail. She chewed her bottom lip thinking about what I said. I felt like I might have gotten through so I pushed the message one last time.

"All I'm trying to say is this. You are who you are. Not what anyone else wants you to be. Damn what everyone else wants, and damn what anyone else thinks. If you want to make music then do it. You can be whatever you want to be."

She smiled mournfully at me shaking her head.

"Jack, it's easy for you to say that stuff. I'm not strong like that. I can't just say fuck everything and do what I want. It's not that simple."

I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her a little closer. I was genuinely upset to watch her giving up before my eyes, and I would be damned if she gave up on my watch.

"Like hell it's not that simple. I'm not strong at all. Look at me I'm out here all messed up over a girl who used me for years. I'm weak as hell, and I can still follow my dreams. I don't know what they are just yet, but I do know I'll follow them."

She teared up. The moon light reflected the shimmers of the tears as the welled up. My heart wrenched itself into pieces at the sight. It made me tear up. I just couldn't help it.

"Jack... Those eyes of yours. They look really pretty in the moonlight."

I nodded.

"Thanks Jess... Yours don't look bad either."

She giggled but choked on a small sob before holding it back. Through force of will she held back the tears and swallowed the wobble in her voice down.

"That was almost a complement Jack. Keep it up I might think you're hitting on me."

I gave a little dry laugh, and hugged her.

"Wouldn't dream of it Jessica. Want me to drive you back home?"

"Yeah..."

She nodded into my chest and squeezed before letting go. I drove her home, and then went home myself. I hoped my words got to her, but in the end, I felt like they might not have. I slept a little better knowing I at least tried my hardest, and that I would be there for my best friend no matter what she did.