Chapter 159 - In Need Of Therapy

Regarding the previously mentioned onlookers, there was only one of them currently present in this peaceful, small courtyard - it was Valenoa, who had just entered it to ask her sweetheart's teacher about something that had been bothering her as of late. She was 'fortunate' enough to find him exactly at the moment when his angelic smile blossomed, so her mind blanked out for a few seconds and her steps subconsciously ground to a halt.

The Twilight Manor's grounds sported many tens of courtyards, and this one was rather close to the subordinates' base. There was a simplistic but elegant fountain in its center, around which there were placed four wooden benches, one facing each cardinal direction. The man that she had been searching for sat gracefully atop one of them, holding a casebound book within his right hand. His left arm was resting on top of the bench's metal armrest, whilst his left hand was supporting his casually reclined head. Maybe it was just her imagination, but the rays of sunlight only served to accentuate the magnificence of this man's delightful looks.

Admittedly, his comparatively laid-back, unrefined pose would have turned someone who wasn't as pleasing to the eye as he was into a bit of an eyesore, but due to the inescapable charisma that he gave off, paired with his divine image as well as the otherworldly smile on his lips, he achieved the exact opposite effect. Anyone who wasn't aware that he only put on an expression like that when he felt an extreme bloodthirst would stop whatever they were doing to appreciate the sight for a while.

Valenoa only snapped out of her daze when the gaze of Kalin's teacher had shifted from the pages of his book to her face. Slightly embarrassed by her own conduct, her cheeks reddened a little as she hurriedly cleared her throat and walked up to him.

"E-Excuse the disturbance, Mr. Blackshaw! I hope you can forgive my intrusion upon your invaluable reading time."

The unapproachably holy smile upon Isaac's face turned more natural and shifted into a somewhat amused, understanding smirk. Unhurriedly, he patted the mostly unoccupied bench that he was seated on.

"Don't worry about it. You look like you've come here to ask me about something. If that's so, then don't stand on ceremony, take a seat. Being on your feet all the time, especially during a conversation, is bound to be quite uncomfortable."

Clearly relieved at his offer and at the realization that he wasn't miffed about her arrival, Valenoa walked closer and sat down next to him. The two then adjusted their seating positions a little so that, should the need arise, they could look at each other without turning their heads too much.

For half a minute or so, the red-haired enchantress nervously grasped her skirt and stared at the ground, quite unsure about how she should get the ball rolling, or how exactly she should even vocalize her somewhat erratic thoughts. This was also the first occasion during which she was completely alone with Isaac, so she hadn't grown to be fully at ease around him yet.

Despite her silence, he didn't pressure her into speaking up and only occasionally sent a glance her way to check up on her. The rest of the time, he observed the expertly trimmed hedges surrounding the courtyard, the birds that were chirping in the trees nearby, as well as a squirrel that was rushing through the bushes. He exuded serenity, like a part of nature. That was also why the evidently somewhat shy girl eventually started to talk.

"Just like you guessed, there is something that has been on my mind lately, and I just can't get it out of my head. Can I ask for your advice?"

When she looked up, Valenoa noticed the corners of Isaac's lips rising. He nodded reassuringly and gave off a supportive aura, one that made her feel like it would be safe to confide in him.

"Certainly. Take as much time as you need, I have plenty."

Some of the wariness that had kept her heart closed off silently disappeared and a bit of courage returned to the amnesiac girl's mind. Subconsciously, she straightened her back and sat more upright as she finally attempted to get to the point.

"You see, recently, it feels like Kalin has put some distance between him and me. It happened out of nowhere, and it makes me uneasy. Oh, wait! You might not know this because you've been imprisoned for a while, but… K-Kalin and I… uhmm…"

Once she arrived at this part, she blushed all the way up to her ears and stared at the ground again for a while, mumbling soundlessly to herself. She 'stealthily' stole a few quick glances at Isaac, but he didn't seem to have been particularly affected by what she had said. He didn't make fun of her or tease her either, which wiped away some of the panic that had emerged within her heart. After some time, she managed to continue her explanation.

"Ahem… we're… I felt like we were about to become a c-couple. That's exactly why I feel sad now that he's suddenly keeping me at arm's length. What do you think might be the problem?"

With her question finally out there, Valenoa's heartbeat quickened due to both anxiety and excitement. She knew that it was unrealistic to expect Isaac to have the solution to this troublesome matter, but perhaps, just maybe, he could spot something that she had overlooked. He had known Kalin for some time before she had met him, after all, so he might know something that she didn't, a detail that she had missed. Also, an outside perspective was often extremely helpful.

"Let me be frank with you, I haven't been asked for relationship advice in a very long time, so I'm probably a bit rusty. Still, I'll try my best. Do you mind if I run a few questions by you before I attempt to come up with a hypothesis? It might help me with figuring out the core issue."

For a moment, Valenoa was a bit taken aback by his request, but she quickly ended up nodding her head. It only made sense for him to want to know more information because he hadn't been around for most of her and Kalin's day-to-day life, or for their interactions. The incredibly short rundown of the situation that she had given him… admittedly, it simply wasn't good enough.

"Alright then. How did Kalin behave around you in the past?"

"Usually, he wouldn't shy away from physical contact. We would often hold hands, and he'd let me hug him whenever I wanted. W-When I had nightmares… I asked if I could sleep n-next to him, and he allowed it. We often spent hours talking to each other, and he would also bring me to places or show me items that he thought might make me remember something."

"What about all of that has changed now?"

Letting the past week or so pass by in front of her eyes once more, Valenoa hunched over a little without realizing it. Her expression turned somewhat grim, with copious amounts of sadness in the mix.

"Well… everything did, kind of. He tries to be polite with me, but he always brushes me off whenever he can. We've bȧrėly talked during these past six days and he's even ignored me when I knocked on his door. Although it seems like he's attempting to hide it, he's clearly avoiding me."

Her voice cracked a little as she recalled the wary, rather distrusting look in Kalin's eyes during the times when he closed the door on her. Realizing that she was struggling with her emotions, Isaac kept silent for a while, allowing her to gather herself again.

"I see. Thanks for sharing this with me, it couldn't have been easy. I have one final question."

To the visibly distraught Valenoa, her sweetheart's teacher felt like a very warm person. He showed plenty of consideration and made it easy for one to think of him as a friend that one could open one's heart to. He enveloped one in care and comfort, just like a blanket by the fireside in the winter. That was exactly the reason why the red-haired enchantress had lowered her guard entirely and allowed herself to become vulnerable. As a result, she got mentally shaken when he made his last inquiry.

"Do you genuinely love Kalin?"

The look on Isaac's face hadn't changed in the least, neither had his posture or his body language. However, all kindness had vanished from his eyes. His gaze had turned cold and oppressive, making Valenoa feel as if she was suffocating due to an invisible, unfathomable pressure bearing down on her entire body. It felt difficult to breathe and she began to sweat. She knew that she had to be stuck in a delusion, but that didn't help her become less flustered.

Before she knew it, she had already opened her mouth and stuttered the response that her heart wanted to give.

"Ye-Yes, I-I do."

Her eyes widened in shock when she realized what she had just done, but she managed to calm down again quickly and pacified her worries. Affirming her love for Kalin had always been the plan, so although she hadn't had a chance to think through her reply before she gave it, it had all turned out okay in the end. Yes, that definitely was the case!

With some remnants of fear still aching within her heart and her emotional protective walls raised once more, she carefully peeked at Isaac… only to find that the terrifying aura that had scared her witless was gone. His blue-green eyes radiated understanding as well as benevolence, just like before.

'Huh? Was that just my imagination going haywire? Yeah… it must have been. A regular person can't suddenly change like that. Phew! Really, mind, why did you play a trick on me?'

Convincing herself that this was the most plausible explanation, Valenoa regained her confidence. Waiting for her conversation partner to continue now that he had apparently gathered all the intelligence that he deemed necessary, she patiently leaned back and rested against the backrest. She didn't have to bide her time for long.

"I'm pretty sure I've figured out what is going on, but it may not be what you'd like to hear. Should I still tell you?"

The worried look on his face only further convinced her that she had only daydreamed what she had witnessed before. Still, his words served to unsettle her a little. Gulping out of nervousness, she gave her consent with a resolute nod of the head.

"This might be a bit lengthy, so please listen until the end. I advise you not to jump to conclusions prematurely. Ahem."

Clearing his throat in preparation, Isaac closed the book that he had been reading intermittently whenever there had been long periods of silence and placed it aside. This ȧssured Valenoa that he wasn't playing around, further improving her impression of this outstanding teacher. It didn't even cross her mind that he couldn't possibly have derived enough intel solely from what she had told him.

"Sometimes, a relationship can become strained or change without you realizing why. This isn't really uncommon and the reasons for this phenomenon are countless. The smartest thing that you can do is to try to examine the most likely ones, to see whether or not any of them fit the bill. If none of them do, then you can only observe the situation in detail for a prolonged period of time and hope to find out more. In any case, I don't think that will be necessary this time. In fact, I'm certain that I've already pinpointed the exact reason - however, me telling you about it directly won't help as much as me leading you to figure it out for yourself. So, let's do just that."

Secretly, a part of her couldn't help but be annoyed that he didn't just directly tell her, but she knew that this was just her being selfish. If he thought that this was the best way to do this, then the least that she could do was to let him try. After all, wasn't she the one who had asked for his help in the first place?

"Before aiming the dagger of scrutiny at others, it's always paramount to look inward and ask yourself a few questions: Have I made some sort of mistake? Am I the one at fault? Is it something I did that caused this? Now, before you blame yourself, keep in mind that even if the answer to any or all of these questions is yes, that doesn't mean that you should treat yourself harshly. Instead, you should choose forgiveness. We all make mistakes and it's pointless to beat yourself up over them. Accepting them and moving forward is the way to go."

Valenoa had found it difficult to pay attention to everything that he had said because the three inquiries that he had asked her to reflect over had shaken her once more. In an effort to hide this fact, she almost gave a snarky remark aimed to deflect the blame, as that was what most people usually did. However, recalling how genuinely Isaac had treated her, she chose to refrain from doing so. Instead, she decided to take a leap of faith and cease this stubborn mental resistance.

Although she tried to not let any ripples of emotions show on her face, they couldn't escape his watchful eyes. There were far too many feelings that momentarily surfaced. Remorse, resolution, anger, sadness, pain, longing and plenty more less concrete sentiments were amongst the mix.

Judging one of his theories to be even more likely to be correct now, Isaac patted himself on the back inwardly. Under normal circumstances, he would have never wasted so much effort on someone in Valenoa's position, but due to her deep involvement with one of his people, he had chosen to pursue one of the least efficient paths. Still, he reminded himself that he couldn't cross certain lines and that he had to be careful to make sure to entangle himself in this situation as little as possible. The more of this web of mystery that Kalin dismantled himself, the more he would grow. Accumulating this experience would most certainly be beneficial.

"You look like you've figured it out by now. Don't worry, you don't need to tell me anything. Whether you should continue as before and jeopardize everything, or whether you should choose to pursue those feelings that you treasure… that's up to you to decide."

Initially, Valenoa was stunned by Isaac's reply. It just hit far too close to home and made her grow suspicious of him… but then she figured out that what he had said was reasonable. Actually, she should have expected to hear words like these from a more philosophically inclined person like him.

Choosing to take his advice at face value and not to think too deeply about it for now, she gave a short but grateful bow and jumped to her feet spiritedly. Turning around to face him, she flashed him a dazzling but respectful grin.

"Thank you for your help, Mr. Blackshaw! I'll carefully weigh my options. Bye for now!"

With that said, she hurried off out of the courtyard with a bit more of a spring to her step. Although there was still something nagging her in the back of her mind, the simple action of sharing her troubles with someone else had already lifted most of the burden on her shoulders. Of course, she somewhat overplayed her liveliness in an effort to showcase that she was indeed feeling better, and that the time that Isaac had invested hadn't gone to waste.

Amused by her display, he shook his head and picked up his book once more. In one smooth motion, he returned to the same exact pose that he had been in prior to Valenoa's interruption. However, he couldn't help but mutter to himself.

"I hope you'll have made your decision when the time comes."

While he had been engaged in conversation, he had of course not stopped doing any of the things that he had been previously busying himself with. He had still been supporting everyone during the Knossos raid and had kept up his stealthy magic-related experiments. In the bȧrėly twenty minutes that had passed, nothing much had happened. Most parties were just about to deal with the second item on their agenda.

It was at this moment that he observed something that attracted some more of his attention.

'The White Blade's members refused even when we presented them with this generous of an offer, huh? What a shame. From their attitude and the fact that they've continued to spy on the kids without any good intentions all this while, it seems unlikely that they took the message that I had that youngster deliver to them 12 days ago seriously.'

Resolving himself to stop by the White Blade's home in the near future to 'have a nice chat' with Vidar, Isaac temporarily shelved this matter. His significant progress in Mana Cultivation had made it almost impossible to miss where this enemy force usually congregated, as all of Orario easily fell under his Eyes of Hermes' influence whenever he felt like it. He was also aware of a certain young man's struggles, because he occasionally checked up on him.

—--

How long have I been here in utter darkness now? I honestly can't tell.

They've brought me water eleven times and food four times, so if I ȧssume that they give me something to drink once per day, then it's been almost 12 days.

I'm surprised that I can still hold on to my sanity more or less. Don't they say that when people are isolated like this and left to only their own thoughts, they start to go crazy after around a week? Well, in any case, there really isn't much to do here.

Time passes by painfully slowly. Usually, I would have gone to the dungeon to train or would have painted the landscape in my free time, but both of those aren't an option here in this lightless shithole.

The first thing that I did after I came to terms with my current circumstances was to rethink the decisions that led me to this point. I've reflected a lot, but the result is definitely not one that Lord Vidar would endorse.

I'm certain that I did the right thing. Our White Blade is making a mistake that will cost all of us our lives!

When I realized this once more, I panicked, but even that state didn't last for too long, merely a few days. My pleas for another conversation with Lord Vidar were ignored and everything that I said, everything that I cautioned those that brought me food about… it simply went in one ear and out the other.

With nothing else to do, I explored this relatively small room while solely relying on my sense of touch, but I didn't come across anything of particular interest. Eventually, I started to do some physical exercises to exhaust myself and make my mind fuzzy. Sleeping off as much of my time as possible felt like a great idea at the time.

As for getting out of here? I know best that it isn't possible for me to damage these walls, or to break the door. There are no windows either. All of this… it's made out of pure adamantite. Váli knows where Lord Vidar hired a craftsman this proficient in metalwork. It couldn't have been another deity, because he generally only relies on those within the organization when it concerns confidential matters.

I couldn't even have fought my way out of here while my comrades delivered me sustenance. They only shove my bȧrė minimum necessities through a small hatch on the lower half of the door. Also, why would I even resort to violence anyway? They are a part of my familia, after all.

At least that's what I thought until a few days ago. Now… I'm not as repulsed by the idea any longer.

I'm no stranger to suffering or punishment. Of course, I don't enjoy either of them, but I can handle them. If necessary, I can tough it out somehow. But every stressed mind needs a pillar of support, doesn't it? My pillar… was my familia. They were the people that I wanted to protect. But when the pillar that is supposed to protect you turns against you, then even the most resilient of minds slowly start to crumble under the strain.

Maybe all that I've been saying is simply an excuse, a way for me to more readily accept the violent, hateful thoughts that have crept up all too often. Who knows?

They started to plague me right around the time when I realized that I couldn't physically exhaust myself in here, no matter what I did. That's the demerit of surpassing the limits of a regular person, I suppose… Some doors open, while some others close.

Whenever I think back to my encounter with Isaac Blackshaw, it feels like I'm being submerged in a barrel of ice-cold water. I've already tried to downplay my fear of him, and it worked for a time, but then it rebounded after a while. That man… he terrifies me, he really does. I know that this isn't rational, that I shouldn't feel this excessively horrified of someone who, according to conventional logic, shouldn't be capable of threatening the White Blade. And yet, I just 'know' that he will be the end of us. Of all of us! Submission is the only path to survival.

The longer that I've been here, the more I tend to listen to this gut feeling of mine. It becomes more and more persuasive, seducing me into a mental state of utter, endless terror.

Heh, these inner monologues are also just a method to cope with everything. Well, primarily, with my fear.

I don't want to die, yes. But it's not like I would let go of my dignity in the face of death. So why is it that Isaac Blackshaw makes me even more afraid than the prospect of death?

I don't know. I don't know, damn it!

I just… I can't allow myself to be that man's enemy. What will he do if he finds me here? Would some kind of misunderstanding somehow occur? Would he view me as a foe, even in this state? Would he blame me for not succeeding in convincing Vidar?

I have no idea. Still, the sheer possibility of anything like that happening frightens me.

What can I do to ensure that I won't end up facing the sharp end of his blade?

If I just stay here, won't it seem like I never put in any effort at all? Shouldn't I at least contact him to let him know that I failed? If you are honest about your mistakes, people are more likely to forgive you, after all.

But how can I accomplish anything while still locked up by these bastards!?

I need to escape. I need to try to let him know.

I can't stay here any longer.

I don't want to go down with this ship.

These bastards won't help me, so I can't rely on them. I was always there for them and obediently took care of all of my Executive duties, didn't I? And yet, they treat me like this.

Yeah, fuċk them. You've brought this upon yourselves. I warned you, didn't I?

I already did my best.

We're done. Go ahead and die for all I care.

Even if I run to the ends of the Lower World, Isaac Blackshaw might still find me. I have to confront this dread to be able to rest at ease. I'll have to tell him. I'll have to beg for forgiveness.

It's the only way.

Don't blame me, Latham, Toril. I'll get out of here the next time you bring me water. It should be easy enough, I just have to make you worry for me. When you open the door to check up on me, I'll slip out. You'll surely get into trouble for that, but that will be the least of your worries.

My gut is telling me that Isaac Blackshaw, that monster, will come here soon.

Good luck.

I hope you die a quick, painless death.

… I'm sorry.