Chapter 189 - The Wolf Admires What He Never Had

Chu Yun was in bed the next day, when Xiao Zai woke him up with a gentle shake of his shoulder. The words were out of his mouth before Chu Yun could even open his eyes:

"Xiao An is dead."

Chu Yun yawned loudly and stretched his arms above his head on the sheets, trying to get his stiff muscles to unwind. "Uhm, how did that happen?" he asked, tucking a strand of loose air behind Xiao Zai's ear.

"The physician said his heart gave out. Apparently he's had a cough for some days according to the guards, the physician said it might be related."

That was some effective pill, Gu Wei had gotten -- Chu Yun had to hand it to him.

Chu Yun smiled up into Xiao Zai's eyes, still feeling sleepy and languid. "Better this way, no?"

Xiao Zai nodded, lowering his face into Chu Yun's neck with a sigh. "It is, but I just thought I would feel something, like a deep sense of relief or something."

Chu Yun patted the back of his head, running his fingers through the silky strands. "Maybe you're to numb to feel anything right now. Maybe the relief will come later. Maybe it won't come at all. Who knows how you're supposed to say." Chu Yun's hands stilled as he thought of something. "You're even allowed to feel sad."

Xiao Zai's head shot up from his neck. He looked at him with a confused frown. "Why would I feel sad? Xiao An abused my dam all my life, and mistreated me at every turn--"

Chu Yun shushed him and pulled his head back towards his neck. "I know, I know, but you are allowed to mourn the father he never was. You are allowed to feel sad that it has all come to this."

That seemed to get to him, and Xiao Zai settled fully against his side. His breath a steady tickle on Chu Yun's warm skin. "I suppose part of me wishes it could have been different."

Chu Yun understood him, although he had never experienced that kind of pain. Xiao An's death mean that Xiao Zai had to finally mourn the life he could have been, the person that other life could have turned him into. It was never easy to let go of a part of yourself, no matter how thin a figment it had been to begin with. 

Chu Yun kissed the top of Xiao Zai's head and told him, "Let's get ready for the day. You'll have to go to court, and talk with the ministers about what to do regarding Xiao An's burial, but that shouldn't take long. We'll have time afterwards. Let's pay a visit to Gu Wei and A-Xiang."

Xiao Zai lifted his head from his chest and met his eyes for a moment, smiling in relief. "How do you always know what to say?"

Chu Yun bit his chin playfully. "Must be my formidable deduction skills."

Xiao Zai wrapped his hands around Chu Yun's waist and rolled them around on the sheets. "Yeah, must be."

---

Xiao Zai was relieved that once again, Chu Yun had been right. The meeting with the ministers was very brief, and in less than an hour they settled on burying Xiao An in an unmarked grave inside the palace complex, albeit outside the royal clan's burial grounds. That seemed like it satisfied all the necessary taboos without ruffling any feathers.

Mostly, Xiao Zai wanted it to be done with, but didn't want to give any ministers the impression that he was pursuing some deep-seated hatred of Xiao An. He just wanted to move on and be left to the task of being Zui's King.

He and Chu Yun left towards their old house in a carriage not long after, Hua Nanyi riding with them, while an honour guard followed behind.

Xiao Zai would never get used to their constant presence, never too far away from him, but he understood the necessity. 

They were welcomed by Fan Jiang's mother, one of the servants who didn't want to follow them into the royal palace, on account of preferring the more relaxed pace of the Second Prince's estate.

"We weren't expecting visitors," his dam said, walking down from the reception hall to greet them outside.

Behind him, Xiao Zai saw Jin Luan with A-Xiang on his shoulders, her thin legs dangling from each side of his neck. The moment he saw Xiao Zai he took her down and put her back on her wheelchair.

Chu Yun and Gu Wei were trading words that could at once be a friendly greeting or discreet barbs, Xiao Zai's mind was still reeling from the sight of his little sister smiling on Jin Luan's shoulders.

Her sire. Her father.

Xiao Zai walked into the estate's main hall in a sort of a daze, his eyes lingering over the obvious signs of recent play. The low tables were littered with discarded papers where someone had been practising calligraphy before growing bored and painting landscapes instead. Some wooden toys were scattered on the ground.

Jin Luan looked as stoic as ever, but he was wearing more comfortable, casual robes, and while he was standing stiffly next to A-Xiang's wheelchair, A-Xiang's fingers were closed around his fingers. She waved excitedly at Xiao Zai.

Despite the tightness in his chest, Xiao Zai couldn't refuse her, he walked to her side and knelt next to her wheelchair.

Patting the top of her head he said, "A-Xiang has grown taller again."

She giggled and pulled on Jin Luan's hand. "Gege, have you met my dad? A-Xiang has a papa and a dad now!"

Jin Luan's face did something complicated before settling on a smile. Xiao Zai could feel Gu Wei's eyes on his back, and he was sure that if he turned around he'd catch him smiling too. 

"Yes, I've met A-Xiang's dad," Xiao Zai said, smiling at his little sister. "Is A-Xiang happy?"

She nodded enthusiastically, the smile straining her chubby cheeks.. "A-Xiang loves living with papa and daddy."