Chapter 51

Then one day, Ploca had a dream at dawn. She was controlling her mind well, even she could fall asleep, with the king in the same bed. Ploca praised and encouraged herself to be sane. “I can do this.”

Hetiron came to her dream as if giving a gift to a good child.

When she was twelve years old, there was a young man whispered to her to go with him. The gentle-looking young man smiled. “Ploca.” So, the young girl answered, “Yes, Hetiron. Let’s go together.” A newborn baby laughed in the distance…the color of the hair of the baby, the eyes of the baby, the impression of the baby…Hetiron, Hetiron…

“Ploca.”

Ploca woke with a gasp.

She was not sure if it was real or not. She smelled strong alcohol, and it almost hurt her nose. Even if she had Hetiron in her dream, what she saw when she woke up was somebody else. “What happened so far was not a dream. I can’t tell what a dream is or not anymore.” She just chuckled.

“You even call him while you sleep, Ploca.”

Ploca frowned unconsciously. “When did he drink?” Delfinus kissed her. She just endured all his touch. “It will end soon, anyway.”

Ploca thought over and over as if she recited a spell that she already did a hundred times in her mind. “I will end soon. Really soon. This man already lost all affection for me. I can tell this subtle distinction from his look, face, voice, and touch. He will fall out soon.”

“You —”

But, Delfinus had no intention to end this soon.

“—will never—”

If the voice could have color, this one would be black; the black that rang in the room. All of a sudden, the world turned dark. Anxiety rose to the top of her head from the skin, spreading with an itchy and rough feeling.

“—See that man—”

“No way.”

“—again. Never.”

The time seemed to stop. Delfinus hugged her right away. But there was no moment to feel warmth, and her limbs were frozen.

“No way.” She had no choice but to believe the promise, she thought it was sincerity, and she believed the letter he had gave to her. “No way.” When he stopped loving her, she believed that she could escape from this terrible place and run back to Hetiron. It was uncertain, but she thought so.

She must believe it. She thought she could run away. When once the king would calm down his heart, he might set her free. She was a disreputable concubine, and she believed he could expel her; the king of this country, surely would.

Since he was the king of this country, he should, even more.

“Oh…”

The words did not come out properly. “What did you…to Hetiron.”

“Are you crying now?” Delfinus said softly like the time they first met.

Of course, she didn’t hear. Ploca tried to jump up but failed. Her legs trembled. Delfinus narrowed his eyes and looked at her and smiled. Ploca was already muttering. “Don’t tell me… You… No way… You didn’t…”

“You are right.”

All the floors that had supported her so far fell off, and the world plummeted into black darkness. She could not feel reality the whole the time she fell. The senses had been so faint, but the pain that had been stuck in the damp, dark mud was so vivid. She felt like her head split, her tongue had torn, her limbs hardened, and she fell down eventually. She might bite her tongue, but she could not feel anything in her mouth.

She just shivered. She could not see anything as if she was blinded. “No, you would not.”

Delfinus looked down at her. The silence was terrible — only the sobbing sound spread. Then, the king left the room silently.

“…Why?”

“Why the hell? What did I do wrong? When did I disturb your nerves?”

“…Why…?”

Her voice barely came out. That weak voice whirled around the room and disappeared. It was futile to her.

“Why? For what reason? How? Why on earth? What did I do wrong?”

“Why, why!”

Ploca punched the bed. She clenched her fist too hard to make her palm hurt, but that pain was nothing. She spoke over and over. Why? How? The thump rang. She did for a while, then with exhaustion, Ploca crumbled.

She could not breathe. Darkness scragged her neck roughly. Eventually, that darkness snapped her neck, and breath died.

Why? Hetiron, why?

“Del-fi-nu-s!!”

Ploca spat out each letter as if she chewed. She called his name desperately, who put her head in the very dark mud, took her life, and even trampled over her. Her voice clouded by her crying. “Why did you kill him? What on earth are you? Why the hell did you kill him, and with what reason?” Nobody answered, but the truth was clear.

“Hetiron died. I can’t see him again. Even if I die, I can’t see him.”

Ploca did not leave the room. Flora did not leave the room. She originally did not often go out of Lotte Bishel. She didn’t eat for a few days. She could not quite recover herself. Delfinus didn’t show up a while again. She was rather glad about that. If she saw his face, she was not sure what she would do. She would want to tear his face off.

Only then, Ploca realized her condition. She thought she was sane and in a leisurely state, but that was all lies.

“I was crazy already.” She was sure why she became crazy, but she was not sure how much. It was an irreversible craziness. She was not in her right mind, but she could be sure of it.

“I knew nothing but Hetiron, and I received a man other than Hetiron, so I got dirty, and I eventually had a child of that man, who deserves to die. You are crazy. You are insane — crazy bitch. I became a concubine of the one who killed my father, my teacher, and my love. I was despised, conceived his baby, and gave birth. Why am I living?

“Why the hell am I living?”

“m, am, ma…”

It was a reality, even that voice. She was a lovely child. She knew that. But everything she knew had broken. Lying in bed, Ploca thought, even in a faint consciousness.

Ashite-Ploca.

“I can’t look only at you. Oh, my lovely child. You and Hetiron were eaten by the son of a bitch.”

Son of a bitch. Ploca jumped up to the word that came to her mind. She came to her senses. She was not sure how long she had been in bed, but her mind was strangely too refreshed. “Yes. The king is the son of a bitch.” There would be no way she did not hate him. She was willing to pretend to be sane. “I will feel bitter not to kill you.”

But what she wanted to give him was not just death. “You will not die, even you dead. I will make you eaten by a shady and damp mind, although you are alive. I will surely do so. You already losing your mind just looking at this child.”

Ploca approached Ashtie with tottering steps.

Pinkish purple hair. Tears started to drop. The child smiled brightly as if she recognized her mother. She did that although Ploca didn’t take care of her well so far.

In the end, Ploca laughed. She had to. “I love you, Ashtie. I love you and care for you. I have to love you. Otherwise, there is nothing left for me. So, I will raise you up.”

“You dance well. Good, like that. One-two. One-two. You have a talent, Ploca. Your voice is good, too.”

“I will pour out everything I had received from him and die. I will die, too.” Now that was the reason for living. There was no hope and no frustration. Relief already disappeared.

“What did I have, in the first place, anyway? Nothing.” The only thing left was the dance that she got from Hetiron. That was it. Ploca smiled lightly and kissed the forehead of Ashtie as if she conveyed the breath.

Delfinus visited Lotte Bishel after a long time. He, in his heart, hoped Ploca banished all the lingering. It was a strange mind. He thought his affection disappeared. But he somehow still looked forward to it. “Maybe, because she was the first one, I ever felt attachment. Maybe that is why I can’t get her out of my mind no matter how hard I try.” But,

“Your Majesty.”

Ploca smiled at him, hugging Ashtie gently. It was a gentle smile, and she was a beautiful lady, but Delfinus somehow felt terrified. He did not know that human’s laugh could be so horrific. Hate and anger were so clear. So, after he felt terrified, he felt disgusted. The emotion was mixed up and boiled.

“You really don’t look at me,” he thought, “you are looking at me like that because I killed that such free spirit man. Even holding the baby who has his blood. I had cared for you so much, I still expected something from you, and the result of that is this contempt and hatred. There was a still little affection left that I didn’t even know, and you dared to tramp all.”

The woman laughed softly.

“Your Majesty. I am sorry.”

But the words were not soft. Delfinus tried to take her on impulse, and Ploca denied. It was a very polite rejection. Delfinus burst into laughter. It was a black and red smile. He turned his back right away.

After a while, Delfinus visited her again. He felt that he could not help it. There was no woman as tender as her. She was the woman who had terribly fine skin. There was never a lack of queens or other concubines.

But he assumed she felt special because she was the one who had in heart for the first time. Even though he was sure that he did not love her. Delfinus, as if he settled his thirst, came back to Lotte Bishel. He reiterated that she was only suitable for satisfying his lust. “There is no way I still love that bitch. If I do, I will be such an idiot.”

Ashtie was growing more and more. The child’s growth was fast. Delfinus checked on the child sometimes, when he left Lotte Bishel at dawn. The idea he was so sure from the first place, got stronger more. This little bitch was really not succeded to his blood. The palace workers were gossiping, too. He pouted his mouth and laughed.

Then, it was one day.

“Your Majesty, not today…I am sorry.”

“Don’t reject it.”

“I apologize, please.”

“How can you do this?”

At the moment, Ploca stuck out her head. Her eyes were bitter. She glared at him with a rough look. Delfinus was absurd. He let it pass the fact that he got the lady who was not a virgin as a royal concubine. He moved on the baby, who had lowly blood. “I slept over and over again, suppressing all this irritation, anger, and betrayal. And what is this face?”

It was a coincidence, indeed. Ploca was tired and hard more these days. But it was a coincidence exactly. Caring for a child couldn’t be easy work. The palace workers still laughed at her. Since she did not go out of Lotte Bishel, there was no chance to get sunshine. She could not afford anything. It was a time when she was tired of the obsession that she had to love this child. Or she was already insane and felt the limit. She thought she could do it well, but it was not easy at all.

Ploca gritted her teeth. “How dare he talk like that to me?”

“What are you talking about?”

So, the harsh words came out. The expression was not fine, either. Delfinus raised his hand impulsively, hitting her cheek. He was a big man. Ploca fell right away. There was no strength in her legs. Her mouth felt numb, and her whole face was hot.

But the sorrow was before the pain. She was shaking with shock. She tried to stand, but she fell several times because of shaking legs.

Seeing the shaking lady with shock, the desire of hugging her disappeared. Ploca was not the only one who got shocked. Delfinus looked down at her for a while and hurried out of the room. The steps were impatient.

The king did not visit Lotte Bishel for another time. This time, it was a long time; for a few years. Ashtie grew up well. Whenever Ploca saw Ashtie, she clenched her lips and tried to keep a sane mind. She had to raise this child well.

Otherwise, there would be no reason to live, getting hit by the one who raped her. Her cheeks were red for a few days. She wished he never would show up. If he were human, he would feel shame. And as the wish of mother and daughter, they had peaceful times for years.

Then one day, the king appeared from the morning. They were a mother and daughter who were ignored at the banquet. Even the king took care of them. But all of a sudden, even he didn’t come to visit for years. Ploca had intuition as soon as she saw his face. “He came again to have me.”

“Follow me,” the king said.

It was really it. The king looked down at Ashtie with a cold gaze.

“Wait—”

“What if Ashtie sees it.” She felt nervous. Ploca managed to come up with an excuse to stop the king.

“Your Majesty. It’s still a day—”

“Do you refuse now?”

“That was not what I mean—”

“Or do you not want to do it in the room?”

“What?”

“Do you want to do it here?”

“He is really crazy,” she thought.

She could not tell who was the crazy one, herself, or the king. There would be no such crazy play like this. The man who was crazy but pretended to be sane, the woman who was crazy but pretended to be calm, the child who knew nothing, the mother and daughter who had all kinds of insults.

But Ploca must not fail this acting. She had to succeed. The mother who loved the child so much, the wife who obeyed her husband, the concubine who lived as if she knew herself, the free spirit who conveyed all the dances to the child. So, Ploca, although wanted to grab him by the collar, she managed to put up with it.

“Oh, n, no, Your Majesty.”

“If that is what you want, we can.”

“No!”

Ploca knelt down immediately.

“I apologize that my voice was raised — your Majesty. Please, show your mercy… I will follow you soon, so, please.”

“I see.”

Nobody said it was rape. But both men and women knew that this was not true.

And the second violence was even easier. There is a person who never hits, but no one hits just once. Here was a representative example. Nobody knew that he beat her. He was careful not to leave as many bruises as he could. It was really easy for him to wield violence so that no one could see it.

Ploca never resisted when he was beating her. She was a woman like that from begging. But sometimes, she could not hide her eyes since she was human. And she was hit every time when that happened. It hurt too much to get just a slap on the cheek. Sometimes when she was hit her stomach, she felt like she would vomit. Even in such disgusting times, the king hugged her again and again.

Nevertheless, she could endure shameful insults. She never cried when she was spending a night with him.

“Please, don’t do this. Oh, Your Majesty!”

“Shut up.”

“Your Majesty, oh, please. The child is, ah, watching.”

“I said, shut up.”

“Your Majesty, Ugh.”

The king had told her to stay in the room. But she was in the dance room with her child. It was true that it was a little bit rebellious. The king did not even try to hide anger.

And she was raped in front of the child. She could see the young child was trembling, through restless breath and blurred sight. The crazy man was still on her top.

“Crazy son of a bitch.” That day, Ploca cried all night. There was no way she could sleep. She thought there would be no way she could hate him more, but disdain and anger rose up again and again. They filled all her heart. She really decided to die. There was no reason to live like this. It was not worth to live. She wondered if she was a human being.