Chapter 58

The happiness was clear. Asking how she slept, eating together, seeing how he was waiting for her to talk, she felt happiness in every moment. She could see the eyes with happiness and joy. She wondered how long it had been since she was this happy. It had been a while. Ashite’s answer was clear with the happiness she is in. Now she just had to say that she was doing well just the way it was right now.

She was young. Complicated thoughts, dark anxiety, and late-night worries were flying away just by those words. She was so young.

However, she’d been fragile since she was young. She had anxiety since she was a child. So, she always had to comfort herself. The only person who recognized how fragile and anxious she was was herself. That’s why she’d been telling herself that everything would be okay. Once in awhile her mother’s words would try to comfort her but doing that was also her job.

It’s not easy to calm down anxiety. Sickness in the heart sometimes leaked to the outside and made her look so dark. And when those times came, Lante would ask if she was okay, and she could only say that she would be fine. Lante, the kid, did not know anything.

“…Ashite.”

Every time she was in the moment, there was a person who would guide her back to reality. This man. This person. She could not dare to count how many times he had helped her. The heart they were coming from was something priceless. The time they met each other was short, but just because the time was short, that did not define the depth of the love. Even if he said he did not know it now, it did not matter. Or, she thought he may already have noticed her anxiety and sickness.

That’s what his thoughts were worth. His thoughts to wait for her pretending like he did not know, him saying that he would wait until she wanted to share it with him. There was no force or power abused in it. He did not fit with the word abuse even from the beginning. No one would notice his tenderness and kindness just from the first time seeing him. However, Ashite knew. She knew how deep his love and heart were.

There would be nothing more hilarious than her saying that she was only considering him as a partner for marriage. If so, she would’ve denied him and the position of the queen.

She almost did it, in fact. When she was questioned how she thought about the position of the queen, she wanted to get out of that space at that moment. It was too complicated and confusing for her. She did not want nor need that kind of position. The thought that passed her head the most in Monterobis was that she did not like the position that was luxurious and fancy on the outside, but dark and nasty on the inside.

She could finally understand what was going through her mind. It should have been clear from the beginning. She was scared that she would lose him, who was trustworthy and tender, just for the weight of the crown. Maybe he was already under the weight of the crown and was exhausted.

She was overthinking about the things that she could’ve gone through as a queen. She was scared if she would not be able to survive in that position. There would be so much to take care of as the queen in this massive country. She won’t be able to dance either. That was how heavy this crown and this position were — luxurious love with the king, but she had to be willing to take the sharp judgments, too.

However, Ashite already had been through all these things as a part of the royal family, except for one — the love from the king. It was something she could not dare to even talk about. Love, by the king. But then she realized who the king was. It was him, the one who she was sitting next to.

Just because she was so scared of becoming the queen, she forgot about him. He wasn’t just someone else; he was so important in her life.

“Ashite.”

She couldn’t think of his voice easily.

And she went back to this again. Even though she had to be greedy, she wanted to keep her mother’s will. In order to do that, she needed him. She would bear the weight of the crown. That did not necessarily mean the position of the queen would be any easier.

But then she also realized, the position of the princess was not an easy job either. That’s why she had to go through everything during those times. It felt like she was running in the dark cave. She was just surviving the darkness. She was too passive to say that she finally saw the light. She could not dare to see the light, but she thought it was okay. Her mother was there with her. She thought she could fight through it, though it was only her dance that was left at the end.

And now, this person.

“…Ashite, I know,”

He was here with her. He and she were here together.

She could not guarantee that the future they drew together would be perfect. However, she believed in him. She could not see through him, but she knew his heart, and she knew him, and she knew the depth of her own heart. If she got scared for the future and left him, she wouldn’t be able to live. She also knew that.

She could not just give her life up just because of the untold future. She could not deny him.

Therefore, she told herself to never let go of it. She could say it surely. She already had the answer.

<> her mother asked again.

Ashite answered smiling. <>

“I know you can’t deny it.”

Lu Havre hoped she would not deny it. It was the truth. His hope was bigger than he already knew.

Ashite said nothing.

“… I really hope not.”

He once again showed the bottom of him. Then Ashite opened her eyes. His red eyes met her golden eyes in the air.

<>

She knew the answer. She finally did. She showed her true self, which was firm. She was truly great. She wasn’t saying it as her habit. It was all the truth. Ashite smiled. She smiled and cried.

“…Ashite.”

The words did not come out of her. They were blocked by her tears. She told herself not to cry, but she could not control it. She once again realized how young she was.

However, the person standing in front of her wasn’t tearing up for a bit, and still showed how much he was worried and concerned about her. She could not believe how warm and caring he was to her. She could not stop crying.

As the tears ran down her cheeks, his face looked more concerned thinking about how he could make her feel better. She did not want to make him feel uncomfortable. She did not want to act like a child, but the tears wouldn’t stop coming out. He seemed worried about her, and he stepped closer to her. He was close. He was so serious and gentle that she did not have time to think that it was awkward how close his red eyes, nose, and cheeks were. He raised his arm gently.

“Wait…Ashite.”

The big, warm hand touched her eyes.

As Ashite could taste saltiness from the tears that went into her mouth, she could finally stop crying and answer him.

Finally, she thought of how much time was needed to come up with this. She made sure that there was no hesitation or worry in what she said. She could clearly answer her mother.

<>

“Your Majesty.”

“Ashite.”

The tears wouldn’t stop coming out. Lu Havre was still wiping tears from Ashite. She could feel the warmth. It was so warm that she could not stop crying. But she knew she had something to say. Ashite smiled as she was crying.

“Your Majesty, can the queen—”

“Ashite.”

It was that face again. He would always make this face every time he was worried about her. It would ache her heart. Ashite try to say it again. She wanted to make this moment clear; she did not want it to go blurry just because of the tears. So, Ashite continued what she was trying to say although she could not stop crying.

“Can the queen become a dance professor?”

Lu Havre wiped Ashite’s eyes with his thumb. The touch from his finger felt alive. It left a slight mark on her pure, white skin. He caressed her face. It was warm. He could not tell if it was her eyes that were warm or his finger.

Lu Havre whispered, keeping the same warmth.

“Yes, you can.”

Ashite tried to breathe right, although her cheeks were still wet. Lu Havre once again, tried to wipe the tears from her face. He was so close that she could feel her breath. Shivering shoulders, blushed cheeks, and wet eyes. She tried her best to say it straight. Ashite breathed in and calmed down. She did not want the tears to stop what she was going to say.

“…Your majesty.”

“Ashite.”

Silence.

“Ashite.”

He felt overwhelmed, and the only thing he could say was her name.

Ashite.

It was the easiest way to show his feelings to her. However, the name was too short to express how much he loved her. His feelings were oozing out of him every time he called her name. She could feel that emotion.

There was silence for a while. Neither of them was good at keeping the silence. Lu Havre put his face down. She lifted up her eyes up to look at him. The time was going slowly. Soon, their foreheads touched each other. And then once again, Lu Havre whispered with his warmth. The emotions were dropping down to cover her cheeks along with her emotions.

“Ashite.”

Ashite looked him in the eyes, trying to catch the emotions he was giving her.

“Your Majesty.”

Love. It was the clearest emotion she could see.

“I…” Ashite replied to him, with a voice full of tears.

“I want to spread the dance, Your Majesty.”