Chapter 70

Ashite didn’t dream much these days. She slept peacefully. Yesterday, her sleep was also restful.

But now, she felt like she was floating out of reality. From the moment she had woken up, and painstakingly still. There was nothing else that came into her view. Her vision was so full of red, gold, white, ivory, and the softening morning wind, soft bed, the ticking clock. Everything seemed to be bypassing the sensitivity of her senses. No, she had lost her senses entirely. Due to that fact, she felt like she was observing herself outside her body. Of course, Ashite was aware of the reason for this.

The end of the year was nearing. There was not even a month left until Terre Sund. Ashite didn’t pay attention to the importance of an exact date. It was just that when she had opened her eyes from her pleasant sleep, she had realized what day it was. Not with her head but instinctively. She had thought about it for a long time, and so the reaction was inevitable.

The anniversary of her mother’s death. Truthfully, however, Ashite didn’t know if this day she remembered was the day she had seen her mother’s death or the day she couldn’t stop crying, or when she had finally stopped crying.

But she woke up that morning and pondered it.

Although still a bit dark, the light was clearly blue and white. Still. However much she aged, it stayed that way. As if this morning was flowing up above her consciousness. She became lost in these thoughts. Suddenly, her vision became filled with morning light. Then, her mother’s voice rang in her ear. From that point, the child who had continued to breathe to live was reminded of her mother’s memory. Until she fell back asleep, it replayed on repeat.

And so, she spent the anniversary alone and quietly. Even though she had lived her life wearing the white mask, Skara’s customs for commemorating a death was not important to Ashite. She was filled with emotion from merely saying out loud that she loved her mother and retelling all that happened this year to her like a child. Although she was resolutely talking to herself, her mother always seemed to be smiling at her, and Ashite enjoyed these times. Truthfully, it had always been like this. That may have been why it was no different this time either. But the meaning behind it was good enough. It had already become a given.

This time, its meaning had grown deeper. Now, she could no longer stand in front of her grave. If she really wanted to, she could easily go visit it later, but she had been the one to decide to never return to the royal palace of Skara again. Even this horrible daughter,

//”Ashi, I love you very much.”//

She remembered these words so clearly that her thoughts about her mother grew deeper, and this day became more and more precious.

But how had it been the last time? It had been so chaotic that she had not gotten the chance to tell her mother exactly what was happening. This was the day that she could mutter anything to her mother like a child, even though she knew that she shouldn’t be. Where had I been then? Lotte Bishel, maybe in a carriage, or maybe it was a room. That memory was hazy. Anyways, she knew for certain that she had been trembling and not in her right mind. No, now that she thought about it, it didn’t matter where she had been then.

Ashite thought to herself. She reminisced about the day she had arrived here to her falling asleep last night. Time seemed to be passing slowly. But she realized that this had all happened last December. She searched her memory in detail. Ashite was able to smile weakly. This year had been full of special moments, so there were many things to tell her mother. She would be talking to herself for a long time, but she couldn’t help but keep smiling.

“Your highness. The king would like to have a meal with you.”

Ashite definitely heard the chambermaid’s announcement, but Ashite was still lost in thought of that day. Whether the moment her life had changed was at that moment, or the winter of her twentieth birthday, or last autumn, the emotions flowing out of her now like a trickling of water was this morning. There was nothing she could do about it. She never had the thought that she wanted to get away from it.

But today, for the first time, she was filled with more happy memories that put a smile on her face than the sadness that usually drowned her. All the times she had spent her mother’s memorial alone, such a thing had never happened before.

“Ashite.”

But still, everything outside did not leave a strong impression on her senses. Ashite blinked blankly, even at the sound of the familiar voice. Her reply was delayed.

“Yes.”

Lu Havre had already sensed that something was different about her today. Thinking of her usually blushing red cheeks, bright eyes, and a shy smile, it was not hard to tell the difference. It was the same as his accustomed habit of observing her emotional state.

And so, he thought he could figure out why she was acting this way a little. ‘I think I know.’ He thought to himself, thinking that he couldn’t know entirely how she felt. Actually, he didn’t intend to try to figure out the exact reason. But after he saw her changed behavior the moment she quietly entered the restaurant, he searched his memory immediately for the answer. After browsing through a couple of possibilities, he remembered one specific portion.

A long time ago, the second concubine of the Skara throne had hung herself in Lotte Bishel. Lu Havre thought this over. He knew relatively about her past. Etude’s report was detailed and exact. But truthfully, Lu Havre thought that there was more to the story. Recently. At the point where he had become deeply interested in Ashite.

But that was all. Lu Havre asked an insignificant question.

“This marinated shrimp is a new menu from the chef. How does it taste?”

As he said this, he pushed the plate closer to her. Ashite smiled weakly and nodded her head.

Lunch passed by in this way, and dinner was no different. Lu Havre only conversed with Ashite about casual things, and she quietly sat and listened, smiling from time to time.

It would have been a lie to say she wasn’t curious about what he thought about her at the moment, but Ashite pushed that to the back of her head. Right now, she didn’t want to think about anything other than concentrating on telling her mother about all the things that happened this year. And so, time flew by quickly. Then after finishing dinner, Ashite, as she always did, thought of her mother and headed to the dance studio. Her walk was not hurried. Outside was becoming blanketed in darkness with only the white lamp lights lighting up parts here and there.

Night, dance studio. So many things were bombarding her. Ashite blinked her eyes. The passing of time meant nothing to her.

It really was that way to her. When she realized it, she was already moving her feet. Like the world’s loneliest person, she wrapped her arms around herself in an embrace. She quickly stretched out her hands, then wrapped them around her while her dress parachuted out then came back down. She hummed the song as she danced to its rhythm and moved her feet. Forward, then back again, then to the side twice quickly. One more time. Each time the dangerously high heels touched the floor, she felt a sense of euphoria. Even the carpet couldn’t silence the sound.

The song playing in her head was too emotional, and the way she sang it kept changing so that she wasn’t really sure how she was dancing.

She just continued dancing. Instead of trying to find meaning, Ashite decided it would be better just not to think deeply at all. Her pink-tinted purple hair fluttered like wings, and her long sleeves reflected the white and yellow light. She chased the shadows it created, and her dress flung open like a fan then neatly fell back into place. Her delicate voice filled the inside of the room. When beads of sweat started to fall from her forehead, she realized how hot the room was getting.

She suddenly burst out laughing. She wasn’t sure what kind of emotion this was. She wrapped her body again. Ashite winded down slowly. In her head, the song was still flowing like a stream. This piece must have been the Butterfly Woman Lotte. At its climax, Ashite opened her mouth. She rolled her tongue.

She breathed out her delicate voice to sing the song out loud. Her footsteps echoed through the room as she moved to the rhythm of the song. When she reached the end of the climax, she heard a presence behind the door.

She really couldn’t see or hear anything today, but strangely, this sound was clear. It was ringing through her dulled senses with intensity.

“Ashite. May I come in?”

No, maybe she already intuitively knew. Or maybe she had been waiting for him.

“Yes. Your majesty.”

She had waited. Ashite calmly accepted this fact. She had never in her past wanted anybody by her side on her mother’s memorial, but today was different.

“That’s alright.”

Lu Havre lightly waved his hand when she was about to greet him.

But truthfully, this was not what he had wanted to say. What he had wanted to do was ask if she was alright.

Lu Havre observed her expression. Her reddened cheeks. Had she been dancing? He had heard her voice clearly from behind outside the door. She had been singing also.

Lu Havre lightly opened his mouth to speak. Then he approached her with a slow walk. Ashite blinked. The man’s strides were long, and he was soon standing close to her.

“Ashite.”

Ashite suddenly turned her back to him. The small bird seemed to be tiptoeing to the window. It was very dark outside the window.

“…Could you perhaps…”

It had come out of her spontaneously. Every time she looked at those red eyes, it seemed always to happen. She feigned nonchalance. It would take some time to try to piece herself back together.

“Is there something you want?”

Is that why she had felt that he would appear like this so suddenly? She had thought that she would be less sad than usual, but that wasn’t it. There were definitely more things to laugh about today. But why did she feel this way?

“….”

“…Ashite.”

Is there something I can do for you?

She thought that he probably knew what day today was, but he didn’t bring up the topic. And yet, he still came to see her tonight with a heavy heart, and calmly. Something inside her bubbled up.

Her heart had already been wavering. Her breath caught in her throat, and it was getting harder to resist any longer. Was it because of the memory of her mother, or because she had spent this night alone, or because this person suddenly barged into her heart. She couldn’t tell. Her eyes started to water.

Ashite clenched her teeth. She had to say she was okay. But she wasn’t sure she could succeed in doing so.

“…No.”

She continued to stare outside the window. It didn’t look like she was looking for anything in particular.

“It’s alright.”

Then he didn’t answer right away. She thought that this would be enough. All she had to do now after this somewhat long bout of silence was turn around and smile.

“I see.”

He could have easily glazed over her words or ignored them but,

“Alright.”

He approached her. He was able to walk up to her because she didn’t push him away.