Chapter 9：9 - Because of You, I can be Myself

9. Because Of You, I can be myself

Dan poured Jae another shot and sat back to watch him toss it back. They had stopped at a convenience store near his building and he had bought a six-pack of Soju. They sat on the carpet in the middle of his living room, a low wooden table between them. Jae was happily drinking without any worries. Dan frowned at the five empty bottles of Soju that littered the space to his right.

Jae glanced at him with a wide smile.

"Dan, don't you think it's inappropriate to frown right now?"

"You're already tipsy and heading towards your alcohol limit," Dan said, shaking his head. "Here I thought we were going to talk or something."

Jae took the bottle from Dan and poured him a drink.

"Stop complaining and drink. I haven't been able to drink without worrying lately. This is the first time, Dan. Don't spoil it."

Dan frowned and took his glass. He took a sip, because at the rate Jae was going, moderation was the best course.

"I like your apartment," Jae said, staring out the windows that showed off the city. "It reminds me of my old place. I used to lie down on the carpet when it rained and watch the city for hours. Of course, those times were limited to three or four per year. I usually escaped the Black Shade dorm and I ended up in trouble with the manager. But those few hours, just laying down there doing nothing, seemed like paradise."

In the past three years, Dan had never heard Jae talk about his Black Shade era. Jae had chosen to concentrate on Rebellion, never once discussing Jaesun or N-sang, not even with Junghee and Andre. This small glimpse into Jae's life before made his heart ache imagining him alone in that apartment looking for peace.

"You can do that here if you like," Dan offered, hating the dark shadow that had fallen over Jae's eyes. He took the bottle and filled Jae's glass. "I'm rarely here, so, if that's what you want to do, I'll give you the door code."

Jae sipped this time and smiled at him.

"Who told you I want to be here alone?"

Dan blinked.

Jae laughed and leaned his elbows on the low wooden table.

"If I'm going to be in your apartment, you should be here. I don't want to spend any minute without you inside this place."

Dan laughed.

"Jeez, a few hours ago, you were protesting our relationship."

"Why are you rarely here?" Jae asked, studying him with curious brown eyes. "Is it because you're always in the office? It's not good to spend so much time at work. Think of your health."

"I'm usually working to make you happy." Dan answered with a small smile. "You're counting on me to make Jade Entertainment successful. I can't let you down."

Jae tossed back his shot and placed the glass on the table with a frown.

"What do you want me to say to that? Want me to say thank you, good job or work harder?"

"Say, you're sorry," Dan said, filling Jae's glass.

"Sorry?" Jae asked.

"Yes. Say you're sorry for making me worry all the time."

Jae tossed back his short again and gave a wince as he put his glass beside the table.

"I'm sorry for causing you concern," Jae said quietly. "What happens if I don't mean it?"

Dan chuckled.

"You'll have to kiss me to apologize."

Jae nodded and took their unfinished bottle of Soju. He placed it on the floor beside all the empty bottles, and then pushed the table in the opposite direction. Dan hid a smile as Jae moved closer until their knees touched.

He sighed when Jae caressed his jaw. Jae's fingers gentle as they moved to the back of his neck and tagged him closer still, until their lips touched. He tasted Jae's exciting flavor as well as the apples from their Soju. Closing his eyes, he leaned into the kiss, sinking his fingers into Jae's hair. He exhaled a minute later when Jae pulled back and laid his head on Dan's chest.

Dan wrapped an arm around Jae, his body trembling with need. He had waited so long for this. Jae let out a snore and Dan groaned.

Typical, drinks until he passes out, Dan thought his hand moving to Jae's neck. Closing his eyes, he leaned his chin on Jae's head.

He carried Jae to his bed and spent a few minutes getting him comfortable. Undoing Jae's belt, he removed his jeans and sat him up to get the black t-shirt off. He paused with Jae leaning against him to touch the tattoo on Jae's left shoulder blade.

'Keep the faith.'

Jae's determination to keep his dreams alive humbled him sometimes. Laying him back against his pillows, he drew the sheet over him, pressed a kiss on his forehead and smiled when Jae hugged his pillow.

Dan left the bedroom to go clean up the bottles in the living room. Taking them into the kitchen, he put them in the sink and paused when he saw the bag Jae had brought with him. Opening it, he smiled when he found a container of kimchi. There was a yellow sticky note on the top.

'Eat well, C.E.O. Suk Dan. >_>[EXPLICIT CONTENT AHEAD]<<

Jae sunk his fingers in Dan's hair, and tagged the strands out of the neat style. Dan groaned and tried to move his head away but Jae wouldn't let him. He combed his fingers through the thick soft strands and laughed when Dan bit his chin in retaliation. A soft love bite that sent delicious thrills running through him.

"The first time I saw you, I thought you were an unkempt lawyer." Jae studied the dark tresses, watching the ends curl into an unruly mess. He pushed Dan's hair back making Dan look at him. "You were so irritating."

Dan chuckled and Jae felt his fingers slide under his shirt. When Dan caressed his back, warm fingers tracing his backbone, Jae couldn't help letting out a gasp.

"If I was irritating, you were annoying," Dan said, pressing a kiss on his collarbone.

Jae tightened his fingers in Dan's hair when Dan's lips trailed hot wet kisses to his neck. Dan's kisses turned into nibbling bites on his skin that made him squirm on Dan's lap. He could feel Dan's hard erection under him, and his breathing quickened. He closed his eyes when Dan finally kissed his lips again.

A wave of raw burning desire burst through him when Dan tightened his arms around him and murmured, "I want you too, Jae."

They ended up on Dan's bed, naked. Lights blazing, Jae lay beside Dan tracing his fingers over Dan's chest, enjoying the contrast of his hand against Dan's pale skin. Dan lay on his back, arms under his head, watching through hooded eyes as Jae explored his chest. Jae smiled slightly when he touched Dan's right nipple. A soft gasp escaped Dan's lips and he rewarded him by pinching the hard nub.

Dan shot him a glare and he chuckled. Leaning over to lick the tortured nipple, Jae kissed it and bathed it with his tongue. When Dan's fingers sunk into his hair, he sucked hard on the nub then did the same thing when Dan urged him to the left nipple.

His fingers continued their exploration down Dan's flat stomach; he traced the soft trail of dark hair to Dan's straining cock. The long hard length burned in his palm when he wrapped his fingers around it. He trailed kisses down Dan's chest, pausing at his stomach to swirl his tongue around Dan's belly button. Dan hissed and he lifted his gaze to meet needy dark eyes. He continued lower, shifting so that he was straddling Dan's thighs. He gave all his attention to Dan's cock. Taking his time, he stroked the pulsing length, covering the soft sensitive skin with pre-cum; he lowered his head and touched the tip with his tongue tasting Dan. Sweet, and musky, he bathed the tip with his tongue again and smiled when Dan arched his hips into his hand. He took the head into his mouth, sucking gently and then pulling back, teasing Dan and driving him to the edge.

When Dan's fingers bunched in his hair tight, he quickened his strokes, making them faster until Dan exploded in his mouth with a harsh gasp. Dan fell back on the pillows breathing hard. Jae stroked him gently then sat back on his heels, his gaze falling on his own cock. He was so hard, needing release; when he moved to touch himself, Dan grabbed his hand and sat up.

"Mine," Dan growled pulling him into a frenzied kiss.

Clawing desire burned through him, making him moan when Dan pushed him on his back. Dan lay over him and deepened their kiss. His cock rubbed against Dan's stomach and he grinded his hips against him, but Dan rose to his knees and stopped him.

"I've waited years for you," Dan said quietly, touching his jaw.

Jae smiled and took Dan's hand. Bringing his thumb to his mouth, he bit the rough finger slightly then soothed it with a lick.

"I'm right here," he said, holding Dan's dark gaze.

Dan touched his lips with his thumb then he leaned down and took his mouth in a feverish kiss. Fire ignited then, Jae could only hang on as Dan took over. He trembled when Dan trailed hot wet kisses down his stomach, and his hips arched of their own accord when Dan took his aching erection into his scorching mouth. With his sweat-sleeked body shaking with need, Jae sobbed and begged for release. Dan sucked him until he was close, but never gave in to Jae's pleading. Instead, Dan moved away from the bed and reached for a bag on the bedside table. Jae watched him get out a tube of lube and a pack of condoms. He dropped those on the bed and uncapped the lube. Eager for him, Jae met Dan's gaze and spread his legs. Dan smiled slightly as he shifted back between his open thighs. Jae watched him coat his fingers with lube and drop the bottle on the bed. He bit his lip when Dan ran his cool fingers along his cock, down to his asshole. When Dan slipped one finger inside him, he closed his eyes and arched into Dan's gentle, probing strokes. When Dan added another finger, he bit his lip, feeling his insides adjust to the pressure of having Dan inside him. He groaned when Dan added a third, his toes curling, he opened his eyes and met Dan's heated gaze. A gasp escaped when Dan found his prostate and stroked it, Jae felt his cock thicken, and he erupted in a gut-wrenching orgasm, sending streaks of cum on his stomach and on Dan.

Dan withdrew his fingers and leaned to kiss him. Jae moaned opening his mouth to take Dan's tongue. He reached for a condom and ripped it open. He took Dan's hardening cock and stroked him twice before he slid the condom on. Dan broke their kiss and took the bottle of lube again. Coating his condom-sheathed cock with the lube, he urged Jae on to his stomach, and tugged his hips so that he was on his knees.

Jae sighed when Dan ran his hands over his back, then grabbed his hips and tugged him against his hard cock. He closed his eyes when he felt Dan push into him. His opening felt tight, for a split second, he was afraid Dan might be too big. He gritted his teeth against the pain when Dan pushed inside hard, he gasped at the feel of Dan sliding into him. So big, so thick, he felt so full. The pain subsided, leaving waves of pleasure as he arched his back and shifted his knees wider giving himself up to Dan. Bunching the covers in his fists, Jae exhaled when Dan pulled out and pushed in again, the feel of him so scorching he shook with need. Dan leaned over him, pressing kisses on his shoulder, hands at his hips, as Jae arched into Dan's thrusts, rolling his hips in delight. Biting his lip, he moaned deep when Dan's cock drove into him harder, each thrust dragging over that part of him deep inside that sent mind-numbing thrills that threatened to short out his brain. He came again with a hoarse cry, vaguely aware of Dan's fingers tightening at his hips. The next thing he knew, they were both laying on the bed exhausted, little bolts of pleasure sweeping through him every time Dan breathed. He never wanted to move again.

Dan slipped out of him, and turned him around so that they faced each other. He sighed when Dan kissed him. Jae shifted his leg over Dan's hip and cuddled close. He closed his eyes when Dan wrapped an arm around him, and sunk fingers into his hair. He fell asleep in the safety of Dan's embrace.

****

Jae lay on his stomach the next morning watching Dan sleep.

Sleeping Dan was cute, he thought with a small smile.

His dark hair a wild mess, his lips slightly parted, Jae resisted the urge to trace them. Letting out a breath, he hugged his pillow tighter and tried to stop the shaky feelings inside him. Every cell in his body felt like it was bursting with energy, and he wanted to wrap his arms around Dan and never let go. It scared him a bit.

Closing his eyes, he breathed out his anxiety into the pillow and wondered how he was going to stop his heart from foolishly falling for this man. If he didn't stop himself, this was going to be worse than what he'd gone through with Jaesun. Dan reached a part of him he hadn't even known existed.

His eyes flew open when Dan shifted beside him. He watched Dan's eyes open, blinking sleep away, and his heart skipped violently when that dark gaze turned to him. Dan smiled and shifted to his right so that they faced each other.

"Morning," Dan greeted leaning over to press a kiss on his forehead. "You're wide awake."

Jae smiled and would have spoken but Dan took his lips in a leisurely kiss. Letting go of his pillow, Jae reached for Dan, wrapping his arms around Dan's neck pressing their bodies together.

Dan broke the kiss.

"That's a hell of a good morning."

Jae buried his face in Dan's chest.

"Can we stay in here for the rest of this vacation?" Jae asked, not ready to leave this paradise. Suddenly it didn't matter what the future held. He didn't care.

"Jae?" Dan asked, holding him tighter. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Jae said. "I'm just, I-,"

Dan chuckled sleepily and pulled back to study him.

"We can order in," Dan said after a moment.

***

The Sunday before their month-long holiday ended, Jae decided he was going to make dinner to celebrate. Junghee and Andre were coming back to Seoul. He wanted to tell them about Dan, and show off his house. With Dan at his office, and no actual staff to help him shop, Jae left his house and headed to the supermarket.

As he drove through the afternoon traffic, his thoughts lingered on the past two weeks.

His brain still caught up in the dreamy haze of those days and nights spent in Dan's suite. He hardened with the memory of making love with Dan. They had spent every minute tangled in each other's arms. When they weren't making love, they talked. Dan had told him about his vision for Jade Entertainment and the things he wanted to do for Rebellion but couldn't yet.

Jae had felt humbled listening to him. He pulled into the supermarket parking lot and sat for a moment. He had spent the past three years focused on Rebellion, not paying attention to his family, or the fight he'd left up to Dan to handle when they'd asked him to create Jade Entertainment.

Now he was back in Seoul, and the fight ahead of them scared him. Their opponent was hard, relentless. Having Dan in his life, as a lover and a friend, made him happy but it also meant he had so much more to lose. If they wanted to fight for Rebellion, those people were going to work toward uncovering every part of his life.

Jae pulled out the keys from the ignition and stared at them.

The night before they left Jeju Island, Dan had told him he could quit if he wanted when he'd voiced his reluctance to leave their private paradise and start another battle against corporations.

"You, Junghee, and Andre have made the statement you wanted to make. Rebellion might not be able to play at home, but you've earned recognition worldwide. You're wealthy enough never to work again. If you tell me you want to stop and just run Jade Entertainment or whatever, I'll be okay with it."

Dan's quiet advice filled his head and Jae suddenly realized that he wanted to stop. He wanted to walk away, and be satisfied with what they had achieved.

If he stopped now, he'd get to keep Dan forever, he thought.

He would be able to wake up next to him and love him with all he had. Jae sighed and closed his eyes.

Love, he was truly losing his mind.

Dan made him feel this way. With one kiss, Dan made him feel like he was the only person that mattered in the world.

Touching his lips, Jae sighed and opened his eyes needing to get back to reality.

His reality included Junghee and Andre. He had to remember them, always. This was their future too, he couldn't afford people hating, and blaming him like Jaesun did. Walking out of N-sang together had tied their fates for life.

His decisions weren't his alone. So, if he wanted keep Dan, he would have to find a way to balance his love and his band.

Getting out of the car, Jae pulled his white cap lower on his head and adjusted his reading glasses. Taking a paper from his pocket, he read the list of ingredients. The plan was get in, find the stuff, and get out. Too bad the weather was hot. He couldn't really wear a hoody without attracting attention. Tapping the pocket on his jeans, he nodded when he felt his cell phone. Dan was going to kill him if he found out he'd gone into a supermarket alone. Locking the car, Jae headed into the supermarket.

Jae pushed his reading glasses higher on his face and pulled his white cap lower. Gripping the shopping cart, he paused in the fish aisle and stared at the wide selection. He had gotten everything on his list except for the fish and the chili peppers. So far, no one had paid attention to him, so all was well.

"Can I help you?"

Jae winced and wondered if he could get out of this with just pointing. He shook his head and turned away from the fish.

"Mr. Customer," the sales clerk said, coming around to stop him. "Don't walk away, I'll help you. What are you looking for?"

Jae bit his lip and turned to look at the nice young man. When he didn't get a scream in reaction, he looked back at the fish.

"I want eighteen ounces of monkfish fillet."

"Oh, what are you cooking?" the young man asked, hurrying back around his counter. He put on his gloves and Jae relaxed. "No, don't tell me. Is it for fish fry or braised monkfish?"

Jae smiled.

"Which one do you like better?"

"Braised monkfish, especially when it's extra spicy," the sales clerk said. He worked fast, measuring the fish, and then wrapping it. "Do you want anything else?"

Jae shook his head and reached for the package. He frowned when the sales clerk held on to his fish and instead passed him a white paper and pen.

"Please," the sales clerk said, "sign for me."

Jae gasped and looked around at the busy supermarket. He looked at the sales clerk again and frowned when the young man winked at him.

"Please," the sales clerk insisted.

Taking the pen, Jae signed his name and looked at the sales clerk expectantly.

"Best sales clerk ever," the young man said.

Jae wrote as instructed and handed the paper over.

"Can I have my fish?"

"Are you making a meal for two?" the young man asked, holding out the package.

Jae tugged the package, glaring at the sales clerk who kept holding on.

"For my friends," he answered, when it was obvious the sales clerk wouldn't let go.

"Ah." The young man let go and Jae dumped the package in his cart. "Thank you so much."

Jae nodded and hurried to the fresh produce section. He was busy choosing chili peppers when the shouts started near the fish aisle. Determined to finish buying what he wanted, he continued choosing his peppers then headed to check out. Pulling his cap lower, he got to the line with his head held down.

His phone buzzed when he was packing his groceries. Thanking the checkout clerk, he answered his phone and headed for the exit.

"Where are you?" Dan asked.

"Supermarket," Jae answered.

Jae turned back in time to see the fish sales clerk appear at the checkout lines. He left the supermarket with a smile and rushed toward his Jeep.

"Kim Jaehan!" Dan exploded in his ear. "Oh my gods! Which supermarket? Are you safe? I'm going to-,"

"Calm down," Jae said, getting to the Jeep. He dumped his bags on the passenger seat and drove out of the parking lot. "I'm hoping you're coming home early. Dinner is at six o'clock. Junghee and Andre are coming over."

"Jae," Dan started clearly worried.

"I'm in my car, safe," Jae said, "and show up on time."

"You make me…crazy," Dan said, before he hung up.

Jae chuckled, joining traffic.

***