CH 2

“If you tell me where that person lives, I’ll have them brought here right away.”

Jeya was polite. However, looking at her bowed head made me feel uncomfortable.

This is because the emotions held in check for so long were beginning to escape that tight control.

“No, I’ll go myself.”

“You’ve just awakened from a month-long coma! If the Miss goes out so soon it’ll strain you.”

“I know my own body. Get out of my way, I’m fine.”

“But, His Grace is on his way back. If you go out alone…”

“I’ll take an escort with me, and I’ll be right back, alright?”

‘It’s truly unpleasant.’

Even though I used sarcasm in my reluctance to deal with her further, she remained deeply worried. Of course, she won’t let me go if I say I want to leave and seek my own death. They’d go berserk if they knew I intended to look for the person who would kill me.

‘They probably will call my brother, who’s far away at the academy.’

After a long time isolated in despair and neglect, a soul could become accustomed to solitude and shape itself to desolation. Once it strayed, it continued to pursue the scant comfort of distance and employed sharpened words to hurt the other.

I knew it well. Now growing out of control, the thorns in my heart were corroding me. However, it was impossible to stop.

Contrary to the dark thoughts in my mind, my lips run unfettered. It was my biggest defense to protect myself, an instinct born of my past.

“Don’t make me repeat myself.”

Jeya’s brown eyes stared while her lips trembled slightly. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable anymore, so I turned my dull eyes to the window.

“I’ll be back before evening.” 

I said finally, my gaze fixed on the pouring rain.

Jeya hesitated for a moment before agreeing to prepare the carriage, sighing as she left the room with May. I thought it fortunate that she hadn’t been too bothersome.

Then suddenly I was amused by the thought of being ‘fortunate’ myself.

‘Just until now, I was swearing at how bloody unfortunate this situation was.’

Instead of dwelling on that, I focused my attention on the beauty outside the window. It was the vast territory of the Grey Grand Duchy. Heavy rain poured on the land, creating a muddy vision. Thick raindrops both filled in and created countless gaps.

Did my victim mindset cause me to see faint bars blocking my way? No, maybe it was all real? I quietly lowered my gaze.

The distinctive insignia of the Grey household was engraved on the button on my wrist.

‘Grand Princess Lillian Grey, who is deeply cherished by her family.’

She was surrounded with love. It was entirely different from my previous life.

My chapped lips gradually curved upward.

‘I must work hard to be a good older sister, whether or not I am acknowledged.‘

But for Lillian, love came to her naturally since the day she was born. As natural as a fish swimming in water or a tree taking root in the ground.

It was something denied me in my previous life no matter how much I wanted it, and now I have acquired it so easily it was funny.

My body was free, but at the same time, I couldn’t feel any freedom. Even if I struggled behind the transparent bars created by the raindrops, I couldn’t shake off the feeling.

I felt suffocated. Was the damn humidity too much for this body?

“Miss, it’s ready.”

I stood up, shaking the rain-created images from my mind.

I followed the maid out of the mansion. It was really fortunate that Lillian’s father, Grand Duke Grey, was out.

“Which carriage would you like?”

Dozens of wagons were lined up and ready to depart. I forced a smile.

‘They really care about Lillian.’

I shook my hands, trying to shed, like so much excess water, the affection meant for another person. I didn’t want to savor it.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“His Grace gave the order for the lady to be careful when you’re out, and never stay behind.”

“Either way, it doesn’t matter.”

To me, who was thinking about dying, it was like agonizing over which coffin would best fit.

So, in the end, I chose the wagon that had the most unique and colorful design. Nobody said anything. It was ridiculous, even to me.

Until that point, I believed I could confidently ask you to murder me.

It was as if I was screaming for attention. It was utterly ridiculous.

*   *   *

Until then, I thought I could confidently ask you to kill me.

Now that I think about it, it was an utter conceit, and quite cowardly. 

Me, leaning on your own ruin just to end myself.

*   *   *

The world seen through the carriage’s window was tiny. As I reached out to that cramped world, raindrops fell on my palm. Even though it was a midsummer rain, the weather was rather cold.

Droplets could be seen forming over the buttons on my wrist.

‘They’ll go insane if Lillian, who awoke after a month, suddenly disappeared.’

I remembered them even though I hadn’t seen their faces before. It wasn’t hard to imagine since the novelist had thoroughly described them.

The father of this body, Grand Duke Grey, was a well-known daughter fool. Of course, he cared for his firstborn son as well, since he would succeed him, but he was especially fond of Lillian.

It was because the Duchess died unexpectedly.

‘To be exact, it was processed as death, but in truth, she disappeared.’

Twenty years ago, the Duchess’ abduction had caused great turmoil in the Empire.

Some even said that God was playing a prank. It was an incident that didn’t match the circumstances and left no traces of evidence.

Twenty years later, Duke Grey was still looking for his wife.

‘Although she might be as good as dead already.’

Ever since that incident, Duke Grey’s special treatment towards Lillian increased. Her fragile condition played an important role in that, but there was an even greater reason.

‘Maybe it is because Lillian is the spitting image of the Duchess.’

The shadows reflected on the window flickered as if they had been soaked in the rain.

As I drew my hand away from the window and placed it on my lap, my pale fingers left a trace on the dress. While I was touching the stained cloth, the carriage stopped.

“Milady, we’ve arrived at Dr. Pepper’s house.”

I exited the carriage escorted by the guard who also played the role of a coachman.

It was still pouring heavily.

I took the umbrella he handed me and looked around. There was a fountain with a baby angel and a white dragon facing each other, with various-sized buildings spread behind it.

The world was somber, resembling the gloomy sky above.

“I apologize, Miss. I should have gone deeper down the alley toward the address, but the carriage can’t continue due to the mud.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’ll escort you carefully so you won’t feel uncomfortable.”

“It’s okay, I’ll go alone from here.”

“I’ll be in big trouble if His Grace finds out I send the Lady alone.”

The escort tried to block me from going. Without an umbrella, his body was already drenched in rain. The raindrops sliding down his armor caught my eye.

Again, I felt suffocated by the kindness that wasn’t meant for me. My heart felt so uncomfortable that I had no choice but to sharpen myself again.

“Sir!“

The escort was surprised by my sudden lower tone.

‘I must be acting quite different from the Lady he used to serve.’

Lillian was originally kind and loving as sunshine. She wasn’t capable of saying anything harsh.

‘Nevertheless, I’m not her. My mouth must spew rancor.’

Sharp words poured out like raindrops.

“Don’t try to control me!“

The escort closed his mouth. I didn’t feel any better after spitting out everything I was feeling inside.

“Then… I’ll just wait here for your return. If something happens please shout.”

Flustered, I quickly walked away from the escort, who stepped back.

After walking down three blocks along the side of the center fountain in the square, the scene from the novel finally came to sight.

A house with a purple roof inside the alley. The rain didn’t abate as I approached it

“Sir Grand Mage…”

Without a name or last name, I just called out to him as to how he was known: the esteemed ‘Grand Mage.’ It was more of a title than a name at first, but it ultimately became a name for him since everyone called him that.

Wasn’t there a saying that people live their lives according to their names? He grew up to be an unloved person, barely named.

If I could be a little outrageous, he and I had a lot in common.

‘No one ever loved us wholeheartedly.’

Just as my parents loved my sister more than me, his parents sold him to the Imperial Family because he had great potential.

I tasted bitterness on my tongue. Why was there such a gap between rich and poor, even in love?

Unfocused resentment without a target boiled from the bottom of my stomach. I quickened my steps as I felt a bitter lump that I could neither swallow nor spit out.

I didn’t even notice that the hem of my dress was getting muddy. When I finally arrived in front of Dr. Pepper’s house, I recognized him right away, even though I’d never met him before.

I approached a five- or six-year-old boy crouching beneath the eaves to avoid the rain.

“…I found you.”

Whether or not the small whisper cut through the heavy rain, the blue sea within his eyes wavered. As soon as he made eye contact with me, he quickly looked away.

His light cream-colored blonde hair was wet from the rain which made it look quite shabby. I could see his blood-stained lips twitching.

He seemed to want to say something, but he remained silent, so I spoke first.

“Hey. Come with me.”

It was pretty impulsive. His darting eyes finally locked with mine after rummaging through the space.

“I’m here to pick you up.”

I reached out my hand. But as expected, he didn’t take it.

Cold, mocking raindrops filled my hand instead of his warmth. Embarrassed, I retracted my hand.

I stared at him as he still tried hard not to make eye contact with me. I could feel something twisting inside me. The appearance of him struggling for the warmth he missed more than anyone else. He was quite obstinate.

“You’ll catch a cold.”

“…”

I slowly narrowed the distance between us. As he unconsciously tried to step back, he was clearly frustrated when he realized that there was a wall behind him.

His emotions were engraved in the features smaller than his original appearance. Perhaps it was because his body turned into a child’s, but it was easy to read his thoughts.

His eye level was lower than Lillian’s, even though she was small for a woman, so I leisurely lowered my gaze.

He was obviously a five-year-old child, but the face I had seen on the cover of the novel was still clear. He had the same mole* under his right eye.

He was originally twenty-five years old, but I knew why he looked like this now.

‘It was due to magic.’

Mana deprivation feels like a ‘cold’ to a wizard. It appears when all the mana in the body of a wizard who used his magic power excessively is depleted.

In his case, his symptoms were different from others, even though he had vast amounts of mana compared to most. 

‘The deprivation is the same, but he also turns into a child.’

It was a unique case. When the mana deprivation happened, his recovery took a great amount of mana; thus, his appearance turned to that of a child. It was his body’s ‘instinct’ to recover as quickly as possible by reducing his energy consumption.

In any case, it was a temporary side effect. Mana deprivation was quite common amongst the wizards of the Oborduz Empire. Although in his case it was closer to a chronic disease due to the Emperor’s periodic extraction of mana.

‘I hope you recover as soon as possible.’

That way, I could ask him to kill me with his magic.

‘A life where I won’t be loved anyway.’

I wanted to escape this life as soon as possible.

I spat out a lie obscuring my filthy intentions.

“I’m worried about you.”

I bent down to meet his eyes. Even though I knew my shoulders would get wet, I tilted my umbrella to him. When our eyes met, I gently raised the corner of my mouth and whispered, 

“I will protect you.”

All my actions were the result of thorough calculations.

*Fun fact: the translation said “tear eye-mole” I find it quite cute