Volume 5 - CH 5.7

“…Heh,” I snorted.

I approached the fox with my gun at the ready.

It looked like I was the fox.

I thrust the gun’s muzzle into the fox’s gray hair. His head bobbed.

“…Ugh.”

A soft groan spilled from his lips. My arm twitched, and I almost pulled the trigger. My heart beat fast. The fox lifted his head slowly. He focused his cloudy eyes on me.

“Oh… it’s you.” He looked like he was dreaming.

A look of relief filled his face.

The fox closed his eyes. Moments later, he opened them again. Over and over his eyes narrowed, opened, and then he shook his head wildly. He cursed in an effort to remain conscious.

His gaze turned to me again.

“Why did you come he…” He trailed off.

He glanced at the gun in my hand.

His eyes narrowed, trying to understand. On his face was an indescribable expression. It was like a baby facing a mirror for the first time in its life. He blinked repeatedly, unable to comprehend what was before him.

Then, he finally nodded.

“Oh… I see.”

A cynical smile appeared on his lips. He looked at me, his smile deepening.

What kind of face was I making right now?

I couldn’t look at my reflection in his eyes.

“So you made your decision. You’re a little late, Odagiri. You never change.”

I doubt that Asato, who had just woken up, knew what was going on. But he nodded as if to say he understood everything.

He looked insane.

“What’s the matter, Odagiri?” he slurred. “What’s holding you back…? How many times… have you failed to kill me…?”

His words didn’t make any sense. How many times had I tried to kill him? I had tried to kill him only once. His eyes were still glazed over. He was unable to distinguish between reality and fiction. His lips, however, were twisted in a mocking smile.

“Why don’t you just… kill me already?”

His words sounded like a plea.

I saw someone else in him. His eyes were much like hers.

Pulling knives out of her body, Aya told me to stab her. I briefly pictured bloody fingers.

Aya told me to hurt her so she would feel better.

She wanted to feel better because she was in agony.

But she couldn’t do it on her own.

Then, a possibility came to mind.

I hit upon something I shouldn’t have.

“Asato, why did you reach out to Yuri?” I asked, trying to dismiss the possibility. “What did you want?”

“Yuri…? Is that a person’s name?” he replied sluggishly.

He smiled slowly. His eyes were very similar to hers. I swallowed back the scream rising up my throat.

Don’t look at me like that. Don’t give me that face!

You don’t have the right.

“If I could reach anyone, I would’ve done that already… This place is too much.”

He paused. Empty eyes gazed at the red walls. He looked around the place where he had spent more than a month, and his whole body trembled in fear.

Spending time in the spirit world was akin to living in a person’s stomach.

“…I’d rather die.”

Letting out a weary laugh, he closed his eyes again. My fingers began to tremble violently. The fox was unaware of Yuri’s existence. So why did he reach out to her?

A theory raced through my mind. His words just now substantiated it.

“If I could reach anyone, I would’ve done that already.”

The reason he made contact with Yuri was because he wanted help.

Seeking a window to the physical world, he unknowingly tossed out a lifeline.

I couldn’t be entirely sure. It was all just conjecture on my part. He could’ve reached Yuri because of the latent evil within him. Still I couldn’t deny the possibility.

And the moment I couldn’t deny it, I already failed.

My finger on the trigger came off. Asato looked puzzled, his eyes narrowing.

“What’s the matter, Odagiri?” he pressed. His lips lifted into a fox’s smile. “Are you going to run away again?”

“Are you going to make the same mistake again?” the goldfish said, shaking its tailfin.

Asato turned his gaze toward Mayuzumi’s voice. Upon seeing the goldfish swimming in the air, he frowned.

“Oh, sister… You’re here too. Appreciate the visit,” he snorted.

Mayuzumi did not respond. The goldfish cast a glance at me. I felt Mayuzumi’s cold gaze deep from the fish’s eyes.

“If this is what you want, then I won’t stop you,” she said. “But don’t show pity. The monster is about to be born. Are you going to leave him here and return to the real world? I don’t really care if I die, but then, what would you find once you came back?”

The answer was obvious. The monster in Yuri’s belly.

But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I recalled my earlier resolve. I wanted to regain the will to shoot the fox. I thought back to when before I left for the spirit world.

What was I thinking back then?

The conclusion was simple.

I should have killed him with my own hands.

I should kill him. I went over the words again and again. But my memories kept on going until different thoughts came up.

I relied on Mayuzumi, allowed myself to just drift in the waves.

I left the fox behind without sorting out my emotions.

I had to go again.

“…Huh?”

What did I say to Mayuzumi when she gave me the gun?

“It’s fine, Mayu-san. I’ll go.”

“…Why?” I muttered.

None answered my question.

I told myself over and over that I would kill him.

Why did I not say anything about killing him?

What went through my mind as I dug my way through the roadblock?

I had to see the fox.

See him, and then what?

“I…”

My head spun. I was contradicting myself. Feeling nauseous, I fell to my knees and put a hand on my mouth. The fox eyed me suspiciously. Mayuzumi did not say anything; she just kept silent.

Yuri’s face appeared in my mind. Wearing a sad smile, she turned into a cat and left. Her words, her existence, made me realize.

A fact that I had been aware of ever since I saw the fox’s past came knocking back.

The monster’s true nature was pitiful.

At the very root of it was a broken man.

The truth was that I knew all along.

I had noticed. From the moment I decided not to carry the burden, I’d been ignoring one thing. Every time I remembered the person I left behind, my chest hurt, but I turned my eyes away.

I hated the fox. I was terrified of the fox. Killing him wouldn’t be enough.

But I…

I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.

I regretted leaving him behind.

Wishing misfortune on someone is extremely easy. Telling someone you hate to die is effortless.

I couldn’t accept his return. My hatred for him would forever remain.

But having someone suffer because of me was scary.

It was terrifying. Every time I thought about it, my chest hurt.

“Odagiri?”

“Odagiri-kun?”

I put my finger on the trigger. The trembling stopped. I took a deep breath. In my mind, I saw Yuri smile sweetly.

“Goodbye, cutie. Goodbye, Odagiri Tsutomu. I only hope that you will let my child, the man I loved, live.”

“It’s your fault,” I told the cat, who left without killing me.

She pushed me to make this decision.

I held the gun up. And I pulled the trigger.

A gunshot rang out. A jolt went through my arm and into my shoulder. Intense pain numbed my arm. Still, I kept squeezing the trigger. The automatic firearm spat out bullet after bullet.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

Then silence. The gun had run out of bullets.

I lowered my arm. I couldn’t feel my right arm anymore. I slammed the gun on the ground, and it slid away.

I walked without a word and thrust my arm into the wall of flesh before me. There was a squelch.

And I dug through the flesh. It felt like touching snow; the flesh slowly melted and fell to the ground, revealing Asato’s arm buried within. But before I could pull it out, flesh covered it again. I clawed through once more.

Asato’s eyes widened. His lips quivered.

His mouth twisted into a smile. “Haha… Hahahaha!” And he laughed. “Are you serious? Have you gone insane, Odagiri? What are you doing?”

Mayuzumi said nothing. She didn’t even mock my actions. She just kept her mouth shut.

Asato alone laughed maniacally. “Hahahaha! I told you… I’d rather die than be saved by you… Don’t push your hypocrisy on me.”

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t care what you think. If you want to die, then just bite your tongue now and be done with it.”

Ignoring him, I continued digging until his pallid right arm appeared. I quickly grabbed it before the wall swallowed it again and let it drop. Next, I started on his left arm, clawing through the wall.

“What about the monster?” Mayuzumi asked softly.

There was no reproach in her voice. She accepted my choice without complaint.

Mayuzumi Azaka would not laugh at my actions. She just asked what I was thinking.

“I will kill it, Mayu-san. But I will not kill the fox,” I declared.