Chapter 77: Get Ready to Rumble

Chapter 77: Get Ready to Rumble

What followed was a lot of back slapping and congratulations.

“Pete! It worked!” Annie ran up and pulled me into a hug. We were soon joined by Balin, then Aqua, then everyone else.

“We did it!”

“Huzzah!”

“Congratulations!”

“Did anyone else hear that sound?”

“It looks amazin’, I can’t wait to try it!”

*Meeeeeeh!!!!* *Burp*

We broke apart and considered Penelope, who had finished the bowl and was pushing it towards us with a stamping foot.

“Do ya want more, princess?” Richter chuckled. “Yer a greedy goat, aintcha?”

“We have to give her thirteen more, technically.” Annie said, looking around at all the tanks.

Aqua put her hand up, unnoticed, "Excuse me?"

“Can I have some first?” Johnsson pleaded. “I never got to try any of the bottled beer, and Aqua and Richter keep teasin’ me about it.”

“It’s technically not done yet. It needs to be bottle conditioned.” I pointed out.

“EXCUSE ME!” Aqua shouted, capturing everyone’s attention.

“Yes, Aqua?” Annie asked, sweetly.

“Did nobody else hear that?”

We all tipped our ears attentively.

That was when it happened.

*BRAP*

Every head turned to regard Penelope, whose beady eyes slowly crossed in consternation.

*Meeeeeeh???* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “Surely that wasn’t my most elegant self???”

!!BRAAAAAAAPPP!!

Penelope let out a fart so massive that it actually shook her tail. She jumped nearly a meter into the air and bucked behind her. She waved her single horn wildly, as though attacking some unseen enemy.

*MEEEEEHHH!?!* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “Treachery! Mine own royal body betrays me!?!”

We all stared in shock as Penelope let loose a few more musical *toots* from her behind. She furiously pranced from foot to foot with each eruption.

“Penelope?” Aqua said with trepidation. “Are you ok?”

*MEHEHEHHEEE!!!* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “What foul magic is this!? Have at thee, blackguards!!!”

She then began angrily butting her head against Balin’s shins. He summoned his golden armour, and his legs rang like a bell after every strike.

“What- what was that?” John asked.

“Penelope farted?” I said, questioningly. John rolled his eyes.

“Is tha princess well?” Richter said with concern.

Annie bent over the goat to examine her, but besides the initial shock, Penelope seemed fine. After a short while she calmed down, went back to her bowl, and began pawing at it.

*Meeeeehhh!!!! Meeheehee!* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “Please excuse my impropriety. I apologize and let nobody speak of it ever again. Now fill my bowl, peasants!”

"Are we... letting her drink from the next tank?" Annie asked, uncertainly.

"Jeremiah checked it. He said this stuff is safe to drink. Maybe she just had indigestion?” I said. Everyone nodded, but nobody looked convinced.

Annie brought Penelope’s bowl to the next tank and poured from the spigot. She placed it on the floor and Penelope immediately buried her nose in the bowl, greedily chugging it down. When it was empty, she raised her head and licked at her lips before pushing her dish to the next tank. She stood next to the spigot and waited expectantly.

We all regarded her for a minute.

Then there was a *rumble*.

*Meeh?* *Burp*

!!BRAAP!!

“I’m afraid Bran isn’t for sale, sir. But you’re welcome to come and eat at the pub as often as you please! We have a new special every week, and they’re all unique to our restaurant.” I liked this guy. He was one of those old people that reached a certain age and decided 'I’ve lived a long life, so watch out, I’m comin’ through y’all!' People like that were always a delight, except on the highway and in public change-rooms.

“Stop fraternising and take a seat, Malt.” Browning harrumphed.

Malt shrugged apologetically at me and sat down beside Browning. The rest of the grumble were a twin pair of ginger dwarves with ducktail-beards, a fairly stunning green haired dwarfess in heavy makeup, and a distinguished dwarf with grey mutton-chops. They were all dressed in the same severe black armour.

I passed each of them a menu in turn, and was rewarded with a combination of angry glowers and stark silence.

“Can I get everyone a beer?” I asked sweetly.

“Yes. How is the beer?” Browning asked, with an odd inflection.

“It’s Thirsty Goat’s finest True Brew.” I replied.

“I’ll be the judge of that. I’d heard that you children were experimenting with new brewing techniques.” Browning said, with a tone that sent shivers down my spine and set off alarm bells. “I can’t help but feel that any such attempt would summon the wrath of the ancestors. Especially given the unfortunate events that transpired here the lasttime.”

What in tha Nether was this? Was this guy playing silly buggers or what? I put a blank smile on my face and began to formulate an answer when I noticed it.

A tiny purple dot sat on my minimap. A single, solitary icon that indicated the presence of unrefined lily-leopard liver oil. Right on top of Master Brewer Browning.

*Bing!*

The Malted Mystery

Culprits Found: 1 / 2

Sonnuvanannygoat.

That-SON-OF-A-NETHER-SPAWNED-BILLY-GOAT-BRED-CHUCKLEHEADED-SCUM-SUCKING-SCIVEY-SAMSQUANCH!

—

I burst into Annie’s office.

“What -” She began.

“It was BROWNING!”

“Ugh, is that jerk here? What does he want?”

“He wants to screw us over! Just like he already did!”

“What? Pete you aren’t - “

“HE’S CARRYING LILY-LEOPARD LIVER OIL!” I shouted, my body vibrating with rage.

“What?” Annie asked again, her brows drawing together.

“He’s carrying lily-leopard liver oil, and my quest to find the source of our contamination ticked up when I saw it. It wasn’t an accident, it was sabotage. That absolute bastard of a brewer spiked our brew!”

Annie's face went from shock, to bewilderment, through anger, and ended up on rage. “How dare he. How DARE he! How dare he contaminate the Sacred Brew! He calls himself a brewer!?” She stood up to storm out of the room and I grabbed her by the shoulders.

“No! We can’t. As much as I want to slug him in the face we have no proof, and he’s got way too much clout for us to accuse him.”

“City Hall - “

“I know! I know the Ordinances Annie. But this isn’t about laws, it’s about tradition and image and respect. If we go out there and accuse him of sabotage it will destroy the Thirsty Goat. We’re too vulnerable!”

“But- but -” Annie sputtered, then sat down in her chair with a *whomf*. “ugh, you’re right.”

We sat in angry silence for a moment, each of us flexing our hands as we wrung an imaginary neck.

“I’m not an expert in dwarven society, Annie. What can we do in this situation?” I asked, haltingly. “He’s the guild-master for the brewers guild! Can you even sell beer if he decides to blacklist you? As far as I can recall, the ordinances barely even mention guilds.”

Annie drummed her fingers on the table. “We can, but it would be an uphill battle. None of the local restaurants would carry our beer out of fear of retaliation, and our name would be mud with the grocers. The cost to buy erdroot would go through the roof and it would be hard to make big sales.”

“So it would be possible.”

Annie nodded. “Just expensive.”

I made a fist. “Except we have an alternate revenue stream that they can’t touch with Whistlemop. Anything else?”

Annie thought for a while longer. “Usually, dwarven families and businesses deal with events like this with a Feud. The party that declares the Feud sets the terms, and the challenged party declares the form of Contest. It can be anything from combat in the arena, to a crafting competition, to a foot race.”

I scratched my cheek. “That’s a strange tradition.”

Annie shook her head. “Dwarven Feuds used to last generations and would involve the slaughter of entire clans. The Ordinances set strict rules on them to keep our society from fracturing every time some curmudgeon took offence.” Then she sighed. “But you’re right, we’re too weak right now, so if we declare a Feud we’d just be crushed. Feuds favour the challenged party by design.”

“Hmmm... but only if we declare one. If he declares it, we have a chance at winning.”

“I don’t know what you’re thinking Pete, but even if you can get Browning to declare a Feud, I’m not sure we have any way to beat an entire guild.”

“Oh, I think we do.” I leaned in with a feral grin and explained my plan. Annie’s eyes widened and then her smile grew to match my own.