I was sitting on my favorite perch, the one I’d spent countless decades on.
Elaine’s shoulder.
Even better! We were on my best friend, Fenrir!
I wanted to enjoy the ashes falling from the sky, the sign that great fires were raging over the horizon, but no. I knew too much. Each ashen flake was a home, a bed, a life. Hopefully they had escaped the fiery holocaust that consumed their livelihood, but I knew too much. I had burned tens of thousands of pounds of material over my long life, and I knew the difference between wooden ashes and charred flesh. I could see when it was the burnt remains of a life dancing before my eyes, and when it was ‘only’ a tree branch.
A tree branch that was home to a squirrel or owl, where a microraptor hung from or sabertooth tigers prowled.
No, there was no enjoying these ashes.
Elaine was worried, staring at a far off mountain. I couldn’t see what she saw - water take these tiny eyes of mine! - but she was happily sharing.
“What’s Valytheria?” I asked the question for Fenrir, knowing he was curious as well.
“As [Loremasters] would put it, it’s an orange, maybe yellow-tier threat. It’s a sword, but more than that, it’s the sword. Powerful Classer transformed herself into a blade, then received a divine blessing on top of it. Calling it a weapon feels like it’s understating things. The sword itself is as amazing as can be, as any transformed piece of equipment is, but it’s the rest of it that... I’m not explaining this well.” Elaine took a deep breath in and slapped her cheeks.
“Okay! Trying this again! There’s an approximately twenty mile ‘extension’ of the blade that’ll cut through anything and everything. Including the ground. Twirl it in your hand, and you’ll make a twenty mile deep, forty mile wide gouge in the land. It’s how it got the title ‘World Sunderer’. Simply walking around with it cracks the planet open. The skills and abilities are forever on, and no sheath can hold it.” She said.
Iona whistled.
“I imagine since it’s a divinely blessed person, nobody wants to break the blade or kill them.” The Valkyrie said. “Plus, the tool’s too useful to be disposed of, simply secured.”
“Exactly!” Elaine said. “More of the second than the first. We’re pretty sure it was a weapon’s vault originally, and the original owner died. It’s not the ‘whoops we made a couple new valleys’ that’s the issue so much as ‘we flicked our wrist and sliced through an entire city and all the people inside’ that makes it so threatening.”
“Vitality defense?” I asked. Life was a little unfair - I basically never got to experience the joys of the vitality defense, damn being tiny and having virtually no mass - but it was a real question.
“The divine blessing’s probably half the reason it doesn’t work, yeah?” Iona guessed.
“Yup.”
The Valkyrie whistled, then her eyes unfocused.
“Hi Selene! Hi Lunaris!” I cheerfully called out. Hey, maybe they’d take a liking to me and shower me with neat blessings as well. I loved Elaine, and if she asked Ciriel to bless me I had no doubt the only goddess with eyes to realize Elaine was THE BEST would send one my way... but they wouldn’t think of it without me asking, and I couldn’t ask Elaine to make that request of her friend. That wouldn’t be right.
Selene and Lunaris, on the other hand... I was going to butter them up until they slipped and bumped out a blessing for me. The plan was foolproof! Might take a few centuries of me wearing them down, but blessings were all upside. As far as I could see.
“Interesting. The goddesses have offered to have a talk with the bound person if we get our hands on Valytheria.” Iona said.
Oh! Oh! I knew this! People who’d turned into objects sometimes couldn’t think anymore, so they couldn’t undo the transformation. It took extreme skills or circumstances to change it, but gods could do it!
Elaine squinted and looked at the mountains again.
“I don’t like our chances if the elves get their hands on Valytheria, and I don’t think we can all fight them. There’s just too many elves there. Any ideas?”
We plotted! We planned! We even did a little scheming. And in the end, we had a plan! A glorious, wonderful plan.
It didn’t have enough fire in it though.
The four of us flew over the mining operation, where Fenrir opened his maw and roared out a bellowing challenge. Snow started to swirl around him, a grand snowstorm being whipped up.
“Good luck Auri!” Elaine patted me. Iona grinned and shot me a thumb’s up.
“Go get ‘em!” She said.
Okay! It was my turn to shine!
But first, I needed to change my mindset a bit. Change how I thought. I liked the way I was, but for this mission, this operation, I needed to go back to when I was a little younger, a little less mature, and a whole lot more lethal.
Alright, alright. I could do this.
I am an unrepentant pyromaniac with no ethics and the entire world is kindling. Juice is good, songbirds are bad, and I had an Important Mission.
Young Auri Mindset - GO!
Oh my flames, what were these lame notifications!? No! NO! Fix them all! There we go!
It was time for the SUPER SECRET PHOENIX TECHNIQUE! Clear flames! Invisible! Nobody could see me! Ahahahahahaha!
... all this dang snow-water was annoying though, and I was making a trail of steam! Argh! No! Stupid! Bad! That wasn’t sneaky-stealthy AT ALL! That was like burning a huge pile of logs on top of a mountain! As subtle as a wildfire ripping through a forest!
No! Bad heat! Chill, cool clear flames! Ughhhh, as much as it disgusted me to burn cold, as opposed to the hottest I could manage, it was needed for OPERATION: SNEAKY BIRD.
Wait! My ring! My beautiful, brrretty ring of rocks I kept around me! My imitation of the planets! Noooo, I had to turn it off, it wasn’t SNEAKY BIRD enough! Booo!
I was flying towards the ground, letting gravity guide me down.
Flying.
Not falling. Nope. I wasn’t falling at all. Didn’t matter that my wings weren’t flapping. Didn’t matter that I was going in lockstep with gravity. This was flying, not falling, and any moment [Fancy Flying] would level up and the System would prove that I was right.
Annnnnnnny minute now.
[*ding!* Oh Great and Magnificent Auri, Empress of Flame, Burner of All Ye Behold, the most beautiful creature in creation, Bird Without Peer and Sovereign of the Red Skies, the humble System, granter of all your wishes, would like to bestow upon you the grand skill [Flies Like A Rock]. Would you like to replace one of your many well-trained abilities with this beautiful new skill?]
Oi! System! NO! Why would you betray me like this!?
BURN!
...
How DID I burn the System anyway? I had [Everything Burns], the System was a thing, just needed to figure out how to apply one to the other...
Fireball! Fireball! WAIT!
WATER!
THIS WASN’T STEALTHY!
I was on a MISSION! A Very Important Mission! This was about being Sneaky! Stealthy! Stealing a sword! This was a Whisper Assault: Tactical Entry and Retrieval.
WATER for sho- OH SNOWFLAKES!
Oh rocks. That was a lot of rocks coming right for me.
The earth couldn’t wait to embrace magnificent me, trying to hit me at top speed.
Nope! Not today!
I flipped out a wing, catching the current as I whizzed behind an elf’s head, a boiling mass of the stinky horned two-legs erupting out of the tunnels, pointing up at Elaine and Fenrir.
Ha! Suckers! Too much water in your eyes, you can’t see what’s right here!
I zipped! I zooped! I fluttered right behind a mine cart’s wheel! Ahha! They’d NEVER spot me here! My plan was brilliant! Foolproof! All I had to do was wait until someone started pushing, and they’d carry me right into the depths! Where I would then, in a single second of [Phoenix’s Perfection], figure out the next step of my plan!
Any second now, they’d start pushing.
Annnnnyyyy second now... see, they’re pushing! No wait, that was someone bumping the cart.
... oh wait. Yeah. If everyone else was making a distraction, then there was nobody pushing the cart. Hmm.
HMMM.
This required some ADDITIONAL THINKING. I needed my Thinking Cap.
I made one out of clear and perfectly burning flames - no sense in having smoke give me away - and put it on, modeled after Fenrir’s hat when he was On A Case.
Hmmmmm.
HMMMMMM.
If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.
How did I get out of this... AHHA!
Escorted by some of the - I couldn’t in good conscience call them ‘the miner’s best’, no matter how good a hat the one dude had - recognized members of the group had me bypass most obstacles.
Down and down we went, the tunnels twisting and turning. Elves passed us in a parade, pushing carts of rocks up and out. Elves going down, pushing empty carts, including the three I was with. All the loose rocks were nice. With just a little bit of heat, they’d melt and become prime fuel for [Lava Manipulation]. Good, good. Much better to melt them with Inferno then use them.
The tiny little voice inside me that was THE WETTEST BLANKET tried to scream something about conjuration being more mana efficient.
Silence! I’ll peck you out! Don’t think I won’t do it! I could [Burn Everything], that included tiny little annoying inside voices!
“This canary’s extra useful, comes with his own light!” One of the elves joked.
I continued to scree- sing - keeping a wary eye out, trying to make a map in my head.
Too many twists. Too many turns.
I was so lost.
Well, end of the day, I just needed to fly up. How hard could it be?
Hang on! Super-observant-special-fire-agent-Auri has noticed something! There were no more canaries! No more singing birds! They weren’t dead in their cage or anything, there just... were none.
Huh.
Mysterious.
I’d need my thinking cap to solve this one, except I COULDN’T put it on, I was still being ‘innocent songbird Auri’, and ‘innocent songbird Auri’ didn’t HAVE a thinking hat!
Frustration! Rainclouds!
“Here we are.” Hat-elf hung me up on the ceiling, and the three of them got to work.
My beak dropped open.
In like, six swings they’d expanded the tunnel and filled their carts with rocks. With a quick stretch, they started pushing it back up the tunnel, replaced by a new trio of elves a moment later.
Wow.
Wow.
These guys dug fast. No wonder Elaine was worried!
Hmmm.
It had been a while, and the Eventide Eclipse were still trying to distract the elves. I should get a move on before they got hurt. That would be Bad.
I closed my eyes and listened, annoyed at the echoes of all the bad singing going around. Honestly. It was like the other birds forgot to take [Beautiful Singing] or something.
A commotion!
I slipped through the bars of my cage - didn’t need to melt them or anything, honestly, it was like they weren’t even trying - and flew over. A number of elves were crowding around an entrance, and thick barriers of purple energy protected a hovering, point-down sword. A tiny hole was in the arcanite under the sword. Sooo much arcanite - I couldn’t tell how thick it was, but I could make at least three hundred nests out of the amount there.
I was going to be a rich bird! A bird of means! Except for the whole ‘money becoming worthless’ thing.
Bah! Who needed money when infinite reflections of ME were to be had? What else could I spend it on? Elaine had the infinite juice cheat of growing her own mangos, so it wasn’t like I needed more.
Everyone was distracted! Quick! Disguise time!
Using [Lava Conjuration], I summoned almost-firm Lava in the shape of a cage near the ceiling, around my body, and held it in place until it hardened.
Genius! Ninja Auri hiding in plain sight! They’d see me, but they wouldn’t think of me, ahhahahahaha! I started to study the sword, trying to figure out if I could just... walk in there and grab it.
“Move aside, cowards.” One of the elves puffed himself up and shoved several other elves out of the way. “The sword’s going to be mine.”
PUNS. The WORST.
The elf swaggered in, not even hesitating at the glowing purple shields. He touched them and disintegrated.
A few gasps were had, mostly laughs.
I was on team laughs. That was hilarious. His best phoenix impression. I’m fire! POOF!
Also a stupid amount of power.
A bunch of commotion later, and eight mage-types strutted down the halls. Hard to tell though, I didn’t have [Identify]. Elaine or Iona was always around to do that. Their level didn’t matter, I was the best. Easy enough to handle them if I had to.
“We need peace and quiet to concentrate!” One of the mages bellowed out. “We’re under attack. The sooner we can retrieve the sword, the sooner we can deal with the pests. Everyone’s going to be paid a bonus. Now clear out!”
With a mix of grumbling and cheers, the miners left. The eight mages arrayed themselves in front of the ward, starting to chant and cast spells.
Ha! The fools! I had at least two different ways of just walking in!
Right. I didn’t want them to get their hands on the sword, and the setup was perfect. Slowly, quietly, I filled the hallway with my invisible flames, feeding them as hard as I could. Near the door, around the frame, I laid down some deep blue ‘cold’ flames, an attempt to control the temperature at the cost of some faint glowing.
There were enough glowing colors going around that they might not be noticed.
Plus, if they were a quarter as competent as Elaine was, they’d be utterly engrossed in their spellcasting.
I prepared a few superheated Lava shots. Tungsten was a good one. Melted at a very high point. Made a dozen fire-clones with [I am the Brrettiest], then made two dozen more.
Outnumbered? No, no, they were outnumbered.
Then... I waited. The mage’s robes whipped around them as the air was sucked out of the chamber, and when the first one collapsed, I struck.
OVERWHELMING FIREPOWER!
I’d already choked one out. Two more fell screaming as molten tungsten enveloped their heads. Three went down flailing and screaming as I wrapped them in flames, and the last two were left standing, automated defenses springing up around them. A clear film of Arcanite energy bubbled around one, and the other was gushing Water while Wind whipped around them.
I used [Burn Everything] to get through the Arcanite shield, then whipped around a large mass of liquid tungsten before nailing the last elf in the jewels.
They weren’t very shiny, and what idiot god had decided to put them on the outside, as opposed to the inside, like was sensible? Honestly. Things like that were why I wasn’t religious. Except when it came to asking for a blessing. Then I was very religious.
He groaned, folded up, and collapsed, one foot touching the purple barrier. He sizzled out, and I proudly put my beak in the air.
Auri Firestorm! The greatest [Mage] alive! Eight versus one, the VICTOR!
[*ding!* Oh Peerless Beauty! Oh magnificent wielder of fire and flames! The System and gods smile upon you once again, as victory rests her laurels at your feet! In a breathtaking display of skill, finesse, and stunning good looks, you have slain a Hey System! Put the notification here! Or don’t, I don’t really need to see it, just the rest.]
I narrowed my eyes at the eight identical notifications, wondering if I was being sassed, or if past-me of sixteen minutes ago was an idiot who couldn’t configure the System properly.
Oh well! I could just burn away the mistakes!
The walls were sagging from the heat, a layer of rock starting to melt. I eyed the ceiling with a surge of genuine fear and concern.
If the entire thing came down on my head, that could kill me, and keep me killed.
I fluttered over to the shield, debating if I wanted to use [Burn Everything] or [Phoenix’s Rebirth] to get through it. Hmmm... I’d just said hi to White Dove, so nah, let’s skip that. I’m sure she was super busy with all the murdering going on.
I burnt a me-shaped hole in the wards and slipped through. [Auri’s Many Helpers] grabbed the hilt of the blade, and swung it up and through in a great arc.
... whoops. That had sliced... quite a bit more than I was expecting.
Maybe if I wiggled it just a bit... ahha! There we go! A clear path to the sky! Probably unstable as a river, but no time to think about it! Let’s go!
[*ding!* Oh Peerless Beauty! Oh magnificent wielder of fire and flames! The System and gods smile upon you once again, as victory rests her laurels at your feet! In a breathtaking display of skill, finesse, and stunning good looks, you have slain a Hey System! Put the notification here! Or don’t, I don’t really need to see it, just the rest.]
Uhhh... I was going to ignore that one. Except where it was saying nice things about me.
I flew up into the air, dragging the sword behind me, racing out of the mines before gravity remembered that all those rocks existed and started to pull them down. Already everything was collapsing, and I swerved to dodge falling rocks, the sword swinging wildly in my grip.
[*ding!* Oh Peerless Beauty! Oh magnificent wielder of fire and flames! The System and gods smile upon you once again, as victory rests her laurels at your feet! In a breathtaking display of skill, finesse, and stunning good looks, you have slain a Hey System! Put the notification here! Or don’t, I don’t really need to see it, just the rest.]
System, shhh, I was trying to fly here.
I rejoined Elaine, Fenrir, and Iona, and we flew off, carving a new valley behind us and getting utterly spammed with notifications.