CH 42

The following chapter contains topics that might be uncomfortable to people, including abortion and miscarriage.



On a weekend morning, while I was eating lunch in the arms of Choi Sung-hoon, who was not going to work, the door opened without a knock.



“Pregnant Seo-yu ssi, you have a delivery…”



A familiar nurse entered the room, but when she saw our condition, she slowly shut the door. I blinked and escaped from Choi Sung-hoon’s arms.



What would the nurse think as she looked at the giant Alpha hugging his Omega?



Just imagining it made me feel better. Well, when I opened the door to the hospital room, I would like to hear from the people in the hospital that the two of us were very loving and that Alpha was holding and feeding his Omega.



Choi Sung-hoon went out and received a package from the nurse.



“What is this?”



Choi Sung-hoon was holding was a small box.



“Ah, this…”



I was excited to hear his answer, but I shut my mouth due to the discomfort I felt below. My body became cold in an instant.



“Seo-yu ssi?”



Looking at Choi Sung-hoon’s confused expression, I bit my lips and went into the bathroom.



I guess this is what it’s like to fly through heaven and then fall into hell.



Contrary to my heart, which was becoming more and more inflated, the reality was cold.



It was not just a drop of blood, but rather complete downstream blood.



It was unexpected.



No, me, the doctor, and possibly even Choi Sung-hoon all expected it… It was such a big deal that I had to say it was unexpected, despite the fact that I expected it.



I had been bleeding before being admitted to the hospital, but this was the first time I had bled after being admitted.



The hospital turned upside down. Doctors and nurses hurriedly prepared for the examination, and Choi Sung-hoon’s face hardened as if he were about to murder someone.



After the first examination, the doctor spoke carefully.



“The heart is not beating. The sound of the fetus’s heart…”



The doctor was very concerned and cautious.



I needed to do a blood test to be sure, so they set the time right away. It took about 40 minutes to get ready, which was the longest 40 minutes of my life.



After the second examination, the doctor called only Choi Sung-hoon.



I stayed alone in the spacious hospital room, waiting for them to return.



This was not something unexpected, but it was so terrifying that I wanted to slap my cheeks.



Because I knew.



I definitely knew. I’m sure I’d know more than the doctor who examined my body.



Kongkongi were probably…



I’ve definitely known it all this time, but I don’t know why I’m afraid now. I don’t know why I become a coward when something that I’m aware of was about to become a reality.



I bit my lower lip because I was afraid a sob would leak out.



I should be fine.



The belly that didn’t come out, the doctor’s words not to give it affection, and the nurses’ regretful expressions every time they saw me.



Now that I know everything, I don’t have to suffer anymore.



I got up to wash my face with cold water and looked back at the sound of someone opening the door.



“Seo-yu ssi.”



Choi Sung-hoon came in with a heavy face.



“Why are you already… It’s only been a while?”



“Yes?”



“The doctor called Choi Seong-hoon separately. Why are you already back when you just left? Do you want to hear the results together?”



“…”



Choi Sung-hoon, who was silent as he looked at me, showed me his watch.



It had been an hour since he had left.



“I don’t think it’s even been five minutes…” 



“…”



“I said something strange. I’m sorry… ”



Choi Sung-hoon’s face was distorted once more as I muttered blankly at the time that disappeared in an instant. He approached me with a wide stride, his eyes full of pain as if he had been through a very painful and difficult experience.



He wrapped his arms around my back and hugged me.



I leaned against his warm arms. I was completely relaxed in his large and solid arms.



* * *



Originally, you have to pass through the hallway one floor down to hear a doctor’s diagnosis. In the hallway, there were pregnant Omega and their families who were about to give birth, laughing and chatting while stroking their bulging stomachs.



I don’t know if it was because of that or because of Choi Sung-hoon’s privilege, but the doctor came directly to my room.



The doctor pronounced the words ‘Delayed Misscariage’ with great difficulty.



There were still Kongkongi on the ultrasound screen.



The doctor said it was not uncommon for recessive Omega. It was also stated that it was unusual for the womb and fetus to remain intact like this.



It doesn’t matter whether Kongkongi’s situation was rare or not. Nothing will comfort Kongkongi.



The doctor cautiously recommended surgery, stating that it would be hard to accomplish with only drugs.



Choi Sung-hoon was holding my hand the whole time I was listening.



A date was set in a week and the doctor returned. I stared at the ultrasound screen that turned off and showed nothing.



Choi Sung-hoon seemed worried about me for not saying anything. He grabbed my shoulders and made me to look him in the eyes.



“Seo-yu…” 



“Wait a minute.”



“…”



“I’m going to go to the bathroom. Wait a minute.”



I jumped up. Choi Sung-hoon’s thick and strong arms fell off.



I closed the bathroom door and took a deep breath while looking at the pale Omega in the mirror.



I’m fine. It’s fine.



I knew about it. It’s nothing.



If I take a few deep breaths while looking in the mirror, I will quickly forget the most painful things.



Kongkongi would have gone to a good place. It was just a brief transition to being born into a happier family and from a better person.



In any case, even if Kongkongi had been born, I would not have been able to properly fulfill the role of a parent. For me right now.



I turned on the water in the sink and washed my face.



Get a hold of yourself.



As I wet my cheeks with cold water and slap them lightly with my palms, Choi Sung-hoon knocked on the door.



“Seo-yu ssi, are you okay?”



“Yes, I’m fine. I’ll just wash my face and come out.”



“Please open the door.”



“I’m just washing my face.”



I was afraid that water would flow from my eyes, so I simply replied, but then I heard a loud noise.



“Seo-yu ssi.”



And when I heard a voice very close by, I turned around and saw Choi Sung-hoon laying down the bathroom door next to him. I thought the door was made of some kind of cotton. Choi Sung-hoon looked at me, his eyes distorted with worry and anxiety.



“Did you cry?”



“I washed my face, wash my face. It isn’t tears, but water.”



“I’m washing my face.”



“Then you should wash your face. I thought you were doing something.”



“…Please continue.”



Choi Sung-hoon then crossed his arms and stood there watching me wash my face. I felt like I was going to suffocate while I was washing my face.



When I turned off the sink faucet, he immediately wiped the water off with a soft towel and even supported me to the bed even though I wasn’t very sick.



Come to think of it, I was diagnosed with pregnancy on this bed, and then I was also diagnosed with miscarriage.



Choi Sung-hoon sat in front of me with despair on his face. I spread my finger across Choi Sung-hoon’s forehead, which was stained with anxiety and worry. Choi Sung-hoon then grabbed my hand and brought it to his lips, kissed it, and began talking.



“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. It wasn’t in good shape at first, but I was going to talk about it after I watched the progress a little longer.”



“I know. Don’t apologize, Choi Sung-hoon. I discovered it as well.”



Aside from the recessive Omega case, the fetus’s heartbeat was inherently faint, so many tests are required. That’s why it only took another week.



And I have to apologize. I’m the one who gave Kongkongi a hard time.



“It’s too small, there’s no movement, and it keeps burying its face. The doctor said that it would constantly wiggle during the ultrasound, but Kongkong was so docile. So I knew.”



“… ”



“Kongkongi must have had a hard time. I gave it a hard time. I’m also sorry to Choi Sung-hoon ssi. You had to go through this because of me.”



“I couldn’t tell you because I was afraid this would happen.”



Choi Seong-hoon raised my face as my gaze fell to the floor. And made me look at him. Over the large scar drawn with diagonal lines, his gaze was directed at me with very human emotion.



“I’m afraid you’re blaming yourself.”



“…” 



“So I couldn’t say it.”



Choi Sung-hoon’s eyes were shaking. His hands… shook slightly as well.



Surprisingly, he acted as if he was afraid.



I was at a loss. I’m really fine.



I grabbed his arm and drew him to sit beside me. Choi Sung-hoon, who pulled off the bathroom door, followed me even if I put a little force. I hugged his clumsy wide back as he sat next to me.



“Choi Seong-hoon ssi, let’s not blame each other on any of us. I feel sorry for Kongkongi, but it’s not anyone’s fault. I’m perfectly fine. More than I thought… Rather…”



I hesitated because I couldn’t find the words to express my feelings. As I shortened my words, Choi Sung-hoon looked at my expression with eyes full of anxiety to see if there was another misunderstanding.



I’m not sure if he realizes he’s shaking more than I am right now.



I sighed inwardly and turned my gaze to see the tip of a small box buried in the blanket.



“That…”



“Yes?”



Choi Sung-hoon reached out and took the box after noticing my gaze was fixed on it.



“The timing is really weird. I was wondering when it would come, but today…”



I muttered as I ripped the tape off. Because my nails were too short to tear the tape properly, Choi Sung-hoon took the box. He ripped the box and tore it apart with his hand. When he saw the contents, he exhaled heavily.



“This… ”



Sigh… I wonder why does it happen to come today when our hearts are flustered.



I ordered this when Choi Sung-hoon went on a business trip a while ago. I really did pick one and only one.



It was a shoe with a white polka dot pattern on a navy blue background and a soft material teddy bear face doll on the top of the straps.



“Is it like a toy, right? It’s really small.”



It was half the size of my palm. It was so small and cute.



It would be so cute to see a child walking around in these. How pretty would it be… How… lovely it must have been.



“…”



Choi Sung-hoon was speechless. I grabbed his clenched fist. When I tried to open it with my fingers, he relaxed and unfolded it. I put Kongkonggi shoes on his big hands.



“I just ordered one of these. I think a pair of shoes would be fine. I don’t know why it came today.”



Choi Sung-hoon looked like he was revealing his complex thoughts. A slightly frowned forehead, eyes that shake with various thoughts, and a firm mouth.



I patted the tiny baby shoes on Choi Sung-hoon’s palm. I could feel his gaze following my hand.



The baby’s shoes fell on the bed.



“… ”



Choi Sung-hoon clapped his lips several times while holding my hand. I didn’t ask as to what hesitating words he was holding.



I could see his big shoulders shaking a little.



As I put my hand on his shoulder, Choi Sung-hoon embraced me.



“I’d rather you cry.”



No… I’m not sad, I’m fine.



“Now I realize that it was about to die a while ago. How should… how should I comfort you?”



His voice was too low and he was trembling with fear.



“I’m really fine… It’s nothing.”



“Don’t say you’re fine.”



The words that came out of his teeth sounded like an animal growl.



“Let me comfort you.”



“…”



“To comfort you…”



Choi Seong-hoon, the one who said it, seemed to be the one in need of comfort.



He was feeling anxious. He was afraid.



I raised my arm and stroked his trembling back.  tapped him slowly, as Choi Sung-hoon had done for me, but Choi Sung-hoon’s trembling did not stop for long.



It hadn’t been long since I’d met him, but it was his first time expressing this emotion.



It was the first time I’d seen him, who was usually cold and restrained, so openly express his emotions.



I’m really fine.



It was really really fine…



Choi Sung-hoon’s reaction was so serious that I wonder if I’m actually fine… That’s what I thought.



Perhaps it was fine to not be fine.



I should have been fine until now… Choi Sung-hoon wants to comfort me while trembling like this, so I don’t have to be fine just for today.



I don’t want to say it was fine. Because it’s not really fine.



When I thought of that, the tears I had suppressed leaked out.



“… Oh… Ugh… ” 



It flowed down uncontrollably and quickly soaked Choi Sung-hoon’s chest.



I grabbed his clothes and burst into tears. Choi Sung-hoon would tell me the same thing he had told me the last time I cried like this.



It’s okay to cry. Sadness was never limited to a specific situation.



Choi Sung-hoon tightly hugged my sobbing shoulders.



In fact, as long as I have this warm and firm embrace, I could cry anytime.



If I decided to cry, I could cry before I even blink.



Because I always wanted to cry.



As long as I had these wide arms that allowed me to cry with peace of mind.