Chapter 22: Bodyguards

Chapter 22: Bodyguards

Ok, we have put in a request with the Watch for a legal representative on the basis that you dont have knowledge of elven laws, Lucillus says with a pained expression, and as my cousin has requested, we got Lucinda to be the person designated since she knows the laws well and she could use the money.

Captain Drusillus was happy about your request, Antoninus, the illiterate brute, says from the side. He doesnt really know why his captain his happy, but hes content with the guy not being in a bad mood.

Hes happy because this is following a sensible procedure, Lucillus says with a sigh. He knows whats really going on and he doesnt approve.

Well, if I truly have to spend some time with Lucinda to take care of the paperwork, I guess I can do it. Im just happy to have someone like her helping a poor idiot like me. And you two big boys protecting me, I say and try to sling a hand above Antoninuss shoulder.

This fella is so goddamn tall. What is he, a giraffe?

Whatever, I relent after two tries. The tall guard doesnt seem bothered by my attempts, but instead hes happy that the bakery has agreed to pay for a personal escort too.

Apparently, if the Watch is not too busy, they will loan out guards on request to rich patrons who need protection.

What are we protecting you from? as if clued by my thoughts, Antoninus asks the question.

Himself, Lucillus mumbles.

Not everyone might be happy that a human is doing business with Elves in this moment of history, I say wisely.

But we have other humans, and no one attacks them, Antoninus remarks.

Yeah, man, but they are not trying to get into the pants of an officer who clearly has other suitors capable of reducing them to a pile of ashes, are they?

Oh, God, I need to buy something for Flaminia. I need to give her a gift. Shes not just funny and smart and a hard worker. Shes also a conniving demon of the highest caliber! My heart is literally bursting with emotions when I think of her devious plan once again!

This is some next-level Gossip Girl shenanigans.

Happy Bakery is a good employee, in any case, Antoninus shrugs the problem away with an ease not even I am capable of.

Happy Bakery? I ask.

The place where you work? Lucillus looks at me weirdly.

Oh, thats the name. I didnt bother reading the sign, I nod.

You didnt know the name of the place? Antoninuss eyes pop out.

I didnt know, I say with a smile.

I didnt even read the deadline of the next damn book homework. Once I was in the clear, I completely forgot about consulting the tome. Now, Im hoping I dont get zapped.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

Shouldnt I be thinking about Lucinda, my future wife, whos in front of me, explaining something about a meaty breakfast?

Well, for all my heart is metaphorically electrified by her presence, I dont want myself to be literally turned into a lightbulb by my stupid [Thunderbolt Curse]

Second:

I forgot.

Goddammit.

What was I thinking about?

Man, I hate when this happens.

What was it again?

Magic and

Gee.

Arent you eating something? she asks me while I cant remember the second important thing I was forgetting.

Nah. Breakfast is like a one-night stand to me. Cold and quick, more of a chore than anything else.

In fact, I could do with some black coffee if these damn apparently-carnivorous Elves werent so enamored with their tea.

You stupid Hobbit-writing-tea-leaves-eating Brit. I hate you. Man, I hate you and your whole franchise so much.

Thats a weird simile, Lucinda giggles.

Well, at least she laughs at my raucous jokes.

Behind me, a much louder raucous snort comes from a red-faced Antoninus, whos I notice when I turn basically choking on his own saliva.

Now that I see him enjoying my joke so much, Im not sure if I should feel flattered or insulted.