Chapter 211: People

Chapter 211: People

Do you ever think about what went through the mind of that British madman who wrote about a ring and a bunch of clearly sexually confused Elves? What is up with that? Like, man, listen, I respect your craft, but you are telling me that you took these centuries-old stereotypesheck, probably millennia old - and they are no more than stinky little monsters that bite your toes when you spill your afternoon tea or something like that - and you make that into this immortal refined, posh, and wigless version of British lawyers? Ridiculous. Also, they speak a language only the worst of the worst and their kin can understand. How do you come up with that?

Why am I telling you this?

I dont know. Im looking at Sabina, the woman that gave me potions, through the window. Hell, she swears like a sailor after dropping an expensive ingredient on the ground. Or a bottle of liquor. Alchemy is not in my chords. But why did we represent Elves as the mean, gay friends of the top-dog cheerleader in high school? Whats up with that? Like, mh, yeah, I might help you, but I dont know, maybe Ill just be a soulless monster ruminating about how people wear rags, and I wear these fantastic outfits.

Do you think theres a specific reason people would want to stay around toxic waste all the time? Like, is there a particular benefit in being an [Alchemist]? Do they produce make-up?

Make-up? Cough, cough! Marcellus almost chokes on the cigar that I gave him.

I gently bite on mine before taking a puff and almost choking on it myself. If another person tells me not to inhale, Ill bash their heads in using Marcellus as a bat, I swear.

Right, we should have started from there.

So, this place sells cigars? I ask Marcellus while looking at a dodgy place called The Secret Leaf.

The best ones in the city! And they are expensive! Marcellus nods wisely. Surely, that shant be a problem for a large friend of mine such as yourself!

Large? Does he mean rich? Can you use the term large for someone rich? I take a better look at the Elf kid and deduct that neither of us knows, actually.

Lets go, Sir Bedevere.

What?

Nothing, lets go, I sigh.

I enter the place and almost faint on the spot. Theres such a fragrance in the environment that even a long-time cigar lover would find it a bit overwhelming. Plus, not all that Im smelling feels legal.

I sniff multiple times while I approach an unmanned counter.

Hell, someone has smoked the Devils grass recently.

What?

No, I dont smoke. I have done it a couple of times, but its not how I roll. Probably because Im not paying tuition to attend Gender Studies at Columbia I guess thats how they select who can smoke weed.

Kind sir! Marcellus all but shrieks in my goddamn ear.

Jesus Christ, I look at the guy, wincing.

Oh, is that the name of the owner?

What? I ask.

Jesus Christ, is that what the owner likes to be called? Marcellus asks while batting his eyes innocently.

Nah, Jesus is a friend of mine, Marcy. I just call upon his name when I feel upset. Its an inside joke. Dont mind me.

Marcellus nods wisely, frowning a little.

It does sound quite apt as a name, the kid says.

For what?

Swearing.

Man, I wish my mother could hear that.

A slick Elf comes out from the back with a thin cigarette in his mouth and smoke tumbling and pirouetting around his massive mustache. The man looks like some Broadway version of Pinocchios Mangiafuoco. But without a beard. Just mustache.

You are new, the Elf says with a smile. Never smoked?

Hi! I wanted to thank you again for the potions, I say with a smile. Id also like to pay you back.

Me? Aurelia gave me the potions. Take it up with her. I just did a run for you, and I dont need anything.

She closes the door in our faces with a slam.

Should we Marcellus points away from the door.

I raise a hand, shaking my head. Then, I knock again.

After several seconds, she opens again.

I thought we could all walk together to class? You skipped the first lesson of Advanced Cantrips I, right? Why dont we chat about that on the way; maybe I can give you a few pointers?

I have shown what Im capable of, so this should work perfectly

She closes the door again. From behind it, I can hear: Mind your own business! Ill see you in class!

I look at Marcellus, whos still pointing away from the door, and shrug.

Ok, I say as I take another puff from the cigar. But as Im turning my back, she suddenly opens the door.

And why would you teach me anything? Arent you just a spoiled, rich child? What do you even know about magic? Do you think a simple trick of [Lights] makes you an expert?

I turn to face her and find an intense glare penetrating my head. She has purplish eyes with green splinters, like emeralds on a purple evening gown crafted by a great [Seamstress]. Her hair, instead, is yellow. Not blonde. Not gray. Not golden. Yellow. A bit suffused, but pure yellow.

Weird-ass colors in this world, am I right?

Im tempted to teach this woman a lesson, but the stuff I read on the files makes me reconsider. I shoot a glance at Marcellus and then think about the others. Life is never that easy, is it?

Im sorry, I say. I am proficient, but maybe I shouldnt have bothered you here? I dont really know what Im apologizing for. But, especially with women, its always a good starting point. Because then, they start

I lost an entire damn day because I thought you fainted and you were going to die! Hell, Amelia scared us to death before explaining what she had done! And she did that right before you woke up! How is that fair?! So much time wasted! I could have studied! I need to study, Gioeius! I need it! And you are supposed to be the leader of our group? What kind of a leader can barely take care of himself?! Youl house looks haunted.

Wow.

Talk.

They start talking. Thats what women do when you are silent long enough. Or when you ask the right questions. But thats beside the point.

Im the most proficient [Mage] in a

I take a deep breath.

Then another.

Then I try to see if she has anything else to add.

All of you she bites her lip so strongly I fear she might bleed. All of youAH! Adrastus looks like the only one with some seed in him!

I snort.

Do you find me failing out of this rotten expensive school funny?!

Hell, woman. What do you mean with a bit of seed in him? What? Am I expected not to laugh at that? What am I, an adult?

No, Im sorry. Its just that the expression you used can be misconstrued in my culture. I think you are right. Its better if we focus on our studies from now on. And I promise Ill help as much as I can. When you go beyond the first impression of me, I can actually cast pretty good magic. My theory is not up to standard, but the rest is quite good, that I can guarantee.

Sabina looks at me with narrowed eyes. See, kids, the trick is to avoid giving more bones to pick to a person looking for conflict. Sure, if they are unreasonable enough, they will always have something to complain about. But as a general rule, no one wants just to create problems indefinitely. As a general rule. Sadly, there are many exceptions.

Im going to grab some of the things I got for Aurelia, and we can go to class, Sabina says, slamming the door behind her.

I take a slow puff from my cigar, happy that I started smoking this stuff. Too many women around to deal with without a good Elven Cuban.