Chapter 73 - 73

Chapter 73

Charles calmly cut another bit off the slice of cake he'd grabbed from himself, looking over at the concerned employees. "Now, I didn't want to ruin your Christmas Party," he stated. "I just wanted something from Mr. Kaiba and then I would have been on my way, allowing you to eat your store bought cake and drink your..." He frowned, looking at a red plastic cup that was sitting near him.

"It's called Jungle Juice," Cassie answered.

"...charming," Charles said. "But unfortunately Mr. Kaiba didn't want to get in the holiday spirit so I turned him into a Gingerbread Cookie."

They all stared at him for several long moments.

"And yes," Charles said, rolling his eyes, "I know I have to clarify what I mean by that when it comes to Domino City. He literally was turned into a cookie."

"Oooooooh," everyone said.

"We just assumed that was a sex metaphor!" Sally called out. Charles frowned at her and she shrugged. "We're all scared and drunk, we aren't thinking clearly."

"I'm just drunk," Drake commented.

Charles accepted that answer. "Well, I want you to know that sadly your party won't be continuing now. But I assure you that we will be leaving you soon." The elevator behind him dinged. "Once I have what I desire I-"

One of the office workers screamed and Charles whipped around to find Linus' dead body sitting in an office chair within the elevator, a santa hat plopped on his head.

Charles got to his feet and hurried over, motioning for Peppermint Patty and Marcie to join him. He pressed his lips together as he looked down at Linus' sweat shirt, a small bloody hole in the middle... and writing on it.

"'Now I have a security blanket'," Charles read slowly, tugging on the sweatshirt to see the rest of the message. "''Wa... Wa... Wa... Wa...'."

"What do we do, Chuck?" Peppermint Patty asked.

"We stick to the plan," he said firmly. "Someone called Lucy, tell her that her brother is dead."

"Who could have done that?" Yugi whispered.

Mai smirked. "Edwin... only Edwin could be that much of an asshole."

~MC~MC~MC~

RING.... RING... RING...

"Oh god bless you Troy and your digital phoneness," I muttered to myself as a heard my phone ringing. It was an old trope that so many movies would only last 10 seconds if cellphones existed but in this case I could live with that.

Having escaped down several floors, just in case the Peanuts Gang (And how weird was my fucking life in filler arcs, compared to even my life in the canon stuff, that I could say something like that and it made sense for the situation I was in!) decided to look for Linus' killer, I had decided to take the risk of calling the police. The one nice thing was that since I wasn't using a walkie talkie like in the movie I didn't have to worry about Hans (or Charles in this case) figuring out where I was.

"Hello, Domino City Police Department."

" Hi this is Edwin Chaos and I'm-"

"The Edwin Chaos that destroyed part of the Domino Shopping Mall?"

I blinked.

"Holy fuck people remember that? I thought the whole musical thing... never mind. Listen, I am sure you guys hate my guts so if you want to come and try and arrest me and do some police brutality I have no problem with that. You'll need to come to the KaibaCorp Building... oh, which is swarming with armed thieves who have taken hostages."

"Sir," the dispatcher said slowly, "I want to make sure I have this straight: You are trapped in the KaibaCorp Building."

"Uh huh."

"It is being held by terrorists."

"Thieves posing as terrorists... though I suppose their actions do make them now terrorists as well, doesn't it?"

"Who are trying to steal something during a Christmas Party?"

"That's... how did you know it was a Christmas Party?"

"One moment." I heard some muffled movement, and then, "GINA! WE GOT A DIE HARD!"

Which was followed by cheers on the other end of the phone.

"What the fuck?" I said in confusion.

The dispatcher came back on. "Sir, we are activating the Die Hard Protocol right now. If you'll please wait we'll be having on site your contact with us. Now, have you done the TV Dinner scene?"

Utterly flummoxed all I could do was say, "No. I'm scared of heights so I couldn't do the elevator part of that either."

"Very well," the dispatcher said. "While reasonable we do ask you don't skip anything further. Now then, we have locked onto the lead terrorist's phone and we are using the GPS in your phone to alert him to where you are."

"YOU'RE WHAT?!"

"Please find a table to hide under sir. And think of your quip. We'll call when your on-site contact has arrived. Thank you."

And with that she hung up.

"WHAT?!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Thank you," a heavy set black man said, smiling at the fan who had asked them to sign their poster. "Enjoy the rest of the convention." He wiggled his pen, trying to determine if he should get a new one, when two police officers walked up to him. "Yes?"

"Sir, we need you to come with us," the first said.

"We've activated the Die Hard Protocols," the second said.

At once the African American man nodded. "Of course."

~MC~MC~MC~

DING!

"FUCK!" I screamed, diving under a table just as a blonde woman stormed in, firing a machine gun wildly.

"You are going to pay for killing my sweet baboo!" The terrorist, Sally (the Peanut, not the daycare worker), shouted. She began to fire into the table itself, sending a spray of wood chips all over the place, forcing me to scramble back.

"Damn it all I wonder if Edna has to put up with shit like this!"

~Meanwhile, on Earth-3~

"it's the best Christmas Movie Ever!" Edna excitedly told Josephine as they walked down the snowy streets. "So Holly McClane moved to LA after she divorced her husband but John comes to visit her and see if they can work things out. But he and all of her co-workers get captured by Gretel and her band of thieves and Holly has to use her knowledge of her workplace, along with all the stories she heard from John about police work, to outsmart them and save everyone!

~MC~MC~MC~

I continued to crawl under the table, Sally having leapt on top of it and begun shooting downward in an attempt to get me. I reached the end but Sally had to load a new clip.

"You know," she said, loading the magazine, "the next time you have the chance to kill someone, don't hesitate."

I spun around and began crawling the opposite way.

"Hey!" Sally shouted, swinging her gun around... while she remained in place. I watched through the bullet holes in the table as she POINTED IT AT HER OWN CHEST AND PULLED THE TRIGGER.

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" I screamed as she torn her chest up into hamburger, falling to the table, dead. "Uh... I don't think that counts as me killing someone. Right? Right? Jesus? We good?"

My phone rang.

"...hello?" I said slowly. "Jesus?"

"This is the Domino City Police. Have you killed the terrorist?"

"I got them to kill themselves, does that count?"

"...let me check." I heard shuffling of papers. "Yes actually, it does. Very clever. Now please throw the body out the window."

"Excuse me?"

"Like in-"

"I know it's like Die Hard! Why are we following that script?!"

"Sir, please just do as asked. We can't provide assistance if you won't follow our requests."

"...fine," I grunted, grabbing Sally's gun and firing at the window, blowing it out before I dragged her corpse to the window only to find a cop car below... with a target painted on it. "Seriously?" I sighed and tossed the body onto it. "Welcome to the party, pal!" I shouted.

~MC~MC~MC~

Down with the hostages Charles frowned as his phone rang.

"This is Charles Brown."

"Mr. Brown this is the Domino Police Department again."

"Yes and I'm still not quite sure how you got this number or why you are helping me."

"Die Hard Protocol, sir," the dispatcher stated, like that answered any of his questions. "Now then, I am patching you in to the lone man that can save the day. Please hold."

There was a click and then Kanye West's new Hanukah album began to play.

"Who thought it was a good idea to make this?" Charles said, letting out a long sigh as he waited for the connection to be made-

"Hello?"

"Hello, who is this?" Charles asked.

"Someone who is really confused and annoyed right now," the man on the other end said.

"That makes two of us," Charles admitted before deciding to ignore the silliness of Domino City and just find out as much as he could about the man who was causing him so much trouble. "You seem to have a knack for causing problems to arise. I'm impressed... I assumed what lowly security would be left in the building and not at the Christmas Party down in the parking garage wouldn't be so skilled."

"Sorry to burst your bubble but I'm not security," the other man said.

"Then who are you?"

"Just a pain in the ass. A fly in the ointment." He paused. "Listen, I know you are trying to steal something but is there any way I can pay you off?"

"Unless you are a multi-millionaire I doubt it."

"...if I were?"

"Even then, no. It is the honor of the thing."

"Oh for fuck's sake, is this like dueling honorably in Battle City and not buying your way into the finals?"

"Yes because anyone who does that would be the true monster."

The other man huffed at that.

Charles shook his head, looking over at Lucy who was nearly VIBRATING wanting to go and find the man that had killed her brother. Charles though shook his head silently before turning his attention back to the phone conversation. "You can't win, you know. I can tell by your accent you are American... though everyone in Domino has American accents."

"Yeah, it's weird. And why do you sound like a Brit doing a German accent? I thought you grew up in the good ol' USA, Chuck."

"How does he-" Lucy began only for Charles to shoot her a dark look, getting her to grow quiet and let him talk.

"You think you can ride in here like John Wayne or Clint Eastwood and save the day, Mr. Cowboy?"

"Actually I was always fond of Woody for Toy Story."

Charles furrowed his brow at that. "Well, I will just send some of my men to deal with you... what do you have to say to that?"

There was a pause.

"There's a snake in my boot, mother fucker."

The line went dead.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Sir?" one of the investigators for CCN called out, running over to the owner of the Media Empire, Kipling Chaos. "Reports are that KaibaCorp is being held by terrorists. It sounds like your nephew is involved."

"We'll send our best wetworks team to get him out," Kipling said. "It can't be worse than Duelist Kingdom."

"But sir, according to the police... this is a Die Hard situation."

At once Kipling's entire demeanor changed from grim determination to amusement. "Oh boy! Edwin will have fun with that! I need a sleezy reporter, stat!"

"Yes sir?" a man in a rumpled suit asked.

Kipling considered him. "No... no, you still have dignity and humanity."

"Thank you sir."

"I need someone sleezier!"

Another reporter raised his hand. "Woody Allen did nothing wrong, sir."

"PERFECT!" Kipling proclaimed. "Get down to KaibaCorp and make problems!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Hello?"

I looked over at my phone, not having even heard it ring.

"Uh...hello?" I said. I was in yet another part of KaibaCorp, leaning against a wall, catching my breath.

"Is this the man that has been dealing with the terrorists?"

"It is," I said slowly. "You my contact person?"

"I am. You got a name."

"Call me... Woody."

"Well Woody, what do you make of all this?"

"Well, I-" I stopped, brow furrowing. "You're voice sounds SUPER familiar."

The other man chuckled. "Reginald VelJohnson."

"...the guy who arrested the Ghostbusters?" I let out a chuckle. "I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Al Powell from Die Hard."

"That's the one. I was doing an autograph signing downtown when I got the call you needed to talk to me."

"God, they roped you into this madness? What is with this fucking Die Hard Protocol?"

"Hey, don't knock the Protocol. It works good. Very high success rate."

"...wait, you know about the Protocol?"

"Oh yeah," Reginald said. "Every Christmas I get a call that I need to talk to someone while they do a Die Hard. It's a whole industry."

"Huh... they get the guy who played the teacher in The Breakfast Club to come over too?"

"He died in 2006."

"Seriously?" I said, shocked. "I hadn't heard that. Wow... that's real sad." I suddenly shook my head. "What the fuck am I doing?!" I banged my head against the wall. "Hey Reg, tell me that the police are at least doing something to try and help me out here."

"Well they are setting up for a failed attempt to breach the building."

"A... failed attempt?"

"Yeah."

"They are SETTING UP TO FAIL?!"

"Oh yeah."

"...hey Reg?"

"Yeah Woody?"

"I'm going to hang up and scream for a few minutes, okay? Call you back."

"Take your time. I'm paid by the hour."

Schroeder frowned, looking up from his phone. "But in Die Hard-"

"We are NOT doing Die Hard," Charles said firmly. "This is my heist... I am not going to have people claiming I ripped off the guy who was originally going to be Leonardo Leonardo in Clerks: The Animated Series." Charles took a moment to gather himself, to make sure that he was calm before he began talking to his fellow thieves once more. "We are not going to follow a script written by Hollywood. We are going to be doing things proper."

"So how do we find Edwin Chaos?" Schroeder asked.

"We don't," Charles said simply. "The police are outside and soon will cut the power to the building to smoke us out. Especially if that is what they did in Die Hard..." he looked at Schroeder who nodded as he double checked the Wikipedia and TVtropes pages. "Then we use them following the script to our advantage. Edwin will be expecting us to follow the same methods as the film while we will collect our money and escape. Simple as that."

Schroeder, after a brief moment, nodded.

~MC~MC~MC~

"So," I said, tucked behind a desk in... someone's office, honestly I wasn't for sure who it belonged to, "I have something I have to ask, Reginald."

"What's that?"

"How did you end up stuck doing stuff like this? Reenacting Die Hard. I mean do you just enjoy it?"

"Enjoy getting dragged to some building in the middle of winter to freeze while I talk to someone dealing with terrorists? No man, I don't enjoy that it all. I could go without hearing someone scream as they dig glass out of their feet for once."

I looked down at my bare toes. "Yeah... let's NOT do that part of Die Hard, okay?" I shuddered. "So what happened? You need the money?"

"Actually I have a tidy little nest egg." He paused before sighing. "Its work though. I do stuff, from time to time of course. Small parts, voice work, that sort of thing. But nothing big anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because instead of being one of the leads in a family sitcom I became the second banana to Steve Urkel."

"...oh."

"Yeah."

I swallowed. "So... I want to apologize for really liking that show back when I was a kid."

"You... liked Family Matters with Steve Urkel?"

"He...might have been my favorite character?"

Silence.

"Reg?"

The power suddenly went out.

"Reginald, talk to me man," I hissed as I got up and looked out the window. "What's going on? The power went out."

"Huh," he said, surprised. "Well, I was leaning on this switch that said KILL POWER and it shifted-"

"That killed the power!"

Reginald was quiet again before, with a voice tinted with malice, he said, "Did I do that?"

"You mother fucker."

"Get Urkel to build you a time machine to undo it then!" Reginald exclaimed before hanging up.

"God damn it!" I snarled, grabbing the weapons I'd taken from Linus and hurrying down towards the vault...

...only to run into Lucy.

"You killed my brother," she snapped.

"Admittedly I probably killed a few people's brothers so far," I muttered. "Fire tends to do that. Was he wearing a purple robe?"

Lucy snarled before taking out a knife, tossing it from hand to hand before doing a series of spins with it.

I shot her through the forehead.

"Harrison Ford better not sue my ass for that," I muttered. "Also filler arc, it doesn't count!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Charles called out as Schroeder, Snoopy, Woodstock, and Franklin dragged out all the cards, cash, and other goodies they'd managed to get out of the KaibaCorp vault, "I wish to thank you all for your patience. In the spirit of giving I will allow you to keep your lives this Christmas. Now, if you could all wait here we will be with you shortly-"

Gun shots rang out and Schroeder and Snoopy went down.

"I HATE the Peanuts gang," Edwin snarled as he slowly entered the room, looking rather beat up. "Mostly because of your writer. Did you know he lied to his own wife about how he was bullied in high school when in fact he was super popular? And the Little Red Haired Girl was designed after the women he still LUSTED for even after marrying her? He was a massive tool."

"I don't know what you are talking about," Charles said, drawing his own gun. Edwin pulled the trigger on his only to receive a click-click-click. That made Charles smirk as he aimed right at Edwin's chest, Franklin drawing his own gun. "I'm afraid that this isn't going to end like Die Hard. No heroic second wind, no fall from the building." He paused. "How did you put it... there's a snake in my boot... mother fucka."

Edwin began to chuckle at that, Charles doing the same.

"Why... why are we laughing?" Franklin asked.

"I don't know about you two," Edwin said, "but I finally got downstairs and got Yuri and Renard."

Charles froze as a knife suddenly pressed itself to his throat. "Please stop pointing a gun at my captain," Renard said coolly.

"I am going to protest that I have to take out the black guy," Yuri said as she tore the gun from Franklin's hands. "I'm a cop... this isn't a good look for me."

"Bitch bitch bitch," Edwin said, walking over to a door and motioning for the two to bring the last of the terrorists with them. He focused and when he swung it open a VERY startled Kemo in his jail cell looked up, shocked. "Got you some cellmates, buddy!" Edwin shouted as Yuri and Renard tossed the two in. "Merry Christmas ya filthy animal."

And with that Edwin slammed the door shut.

"So... ho ho ho?" he said just before Mai collided with him, giving him a searing kiss.

"I think she's happy to see him," Duke said with a laugh as he slowly got up.

"Where is Seto though?" Mokuba asked, looking about.

Edwin tossed a gun towards the R and D guy who had removed his ability to monologue. "Reverse engineer that to turn cookies back into people, would ya? There must be a setting or something."

"We lead weird lives," Mai joked, lightly bumping her forehead against Edwin's.

"Tell me about it-"

His phone rang.

"Reginald, I swear if you are calling to apologize..."

"Mr. Chaos?" someone said on the other line, "I am Lt. Mathers of the Domino City police. I'm just calling to inform you that you are all going to be okay. We've met the terrorist's demands and all of the people they wanted freed are being send in."

"...wait, what?" Edwin said just as the elevators dinged and from several of them spewed out nearly every newspaper comic strip character out... all armed with clubs, bats, and other weapons. "Aw fuck."

"Screw this!" Joey exclaimed. "I ain't gettin' kidnapped again! Let's take these freaks out!"

"Joey," the Pharaoh said, finally taking control for the first time that night, "there are other ways other than fighting-"

"Listen to the youth with stupid hair," Prince Valliant said, pointing a sword at the Pharaoh.

"Stupid?" the Pharaoh said slowly. "Stupid? NO ONE CALLS MY GLORIOUS MANE STUPID!"

"So we are doing this," Martin commented as he grabbed the knife used to cut the cake while Edwin groaned and snatched up some garland to use as a garrote.

"Looks like it," Cassie said, snagging a plastic candy cane, Drake frowning as he selected a nutcracker.

"Aria," Edwin said, looking at the head of R&D who was holding a large weapon with blinking lights and sparks coming off the tip, "what is that?"

She smiled, "It's a gun from the future."

"Where did you get that?!"

Aria just let out an adorable giggle.

"Some fight music, Edwin?" Mai asked as she slipped on some brass knuckles.

"Troy?"

Edwin's phone began to play.

This thing right here

Is lettin' all the ladies know

What guys talk about

You know, the finer things in life

Haha

Check it out

"Seriously?" Sally asked.

"Shut up and kill someone!" Edwin snapped.

"That seems dark for you," Mokuba pointed out.

"FILLER ARC!"

"...meh, works for me," Drake said.

And as one the KaibaCorp employees and their guests roared and charged the comic strip characters.

Ooh that dress so scandalous

And you know another (censored) couldn't handle it

So you shakin' that thang like who's the ish

With a look in your eyes so devilish, uh

"It's not my fault that my husband doesn't understand me!" The mom from For Better or Worse whined as she and Cassie dueled sword vs. candy cane. "I'm just perfect and amazing and he sucks and doesn't understand me. Just like the rest of the world!"

Cassie snarled and broke a chunk of her candy cane decoration before rushing the woman, stabbing her in the stomach.

"Well you bleed perfectly well..." she said darkly, grabbing the woman's had so she could watch the light fade from her eyes.

You like to dance, all the hip hop spots

And you cruise to crews like connect the dots

Not just urban, she like the pop

'Cause she was Livin' la Vida Loca

"Why won't you DIE?!" Martin shouted as he stabbed into Garfield.

"All my fat protects me," the cat said lazily. "It ensures-ERK!" He clutched at his chest.

"No... no you don't get out of this with a heart attack!" Martin snarled, continuing his stabbing.

She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck

Thighs like what, what, what

Baby, move your butt, butt, butt

Uh, I think I'll sing it again (c'mon)

"The sun won't be coming out for you tomorrow, bitch," Little Orphan Annie said with a dark giggle. "Because you won't be alive tomorrow!"

Sally merely smirked before reaching into her pocket... and throwing white grit at the red head.

"Pocket sand?" Annie asked.

But the head of KaibaCorp's daycare shook her head. "Powdered Sugar. KIDS!"

From one of the side rooms all of the children that had been staying in the nursery Seto had set up for the party swarmed out, engulfing a screaming Annie.

"Careful... they're biters."

She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck

Thighs like what, what, what

All night long

Let me see that thong (c'mon)

"I should have known it would end this way!" Dilbert said as Edwin wrapped the garland around his neck. "All interactions between men end in violence!"

"...what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Stick your finger in your dad's asshole, see what happens."

Edwin's brow ticked.

"I watched my stepson die and did nothing!"

Edwin began to slowly strangle the office worker.

Baby (girl, I know you wanna show da na da na)

That thong th-thong, thong, thong

I like it when the beat goes (da na da na)

Baby, make your booty go (da na da na)

(Girl, I know you wanna show da na da na)

That thong th-thong thong, thong (uh, listen)

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late-" James, the security guard at CCN, said as he entered only to spot Caesar cut the head off of Recruit Zero while the OTHER Caesar, from Astrid, was being drowned in the punch bowl by Drake. Aria was standing on the balcony, firing like Scarface at Calvin while the Pharaoh kept smashing the head of Prince Valliant into the floor. Joey and Serenity were fighting Dagwood over the last sandwich. Edwin had somehow gotten ahold of his Morpher and was now a Power Ranger, dueling against Crankshaft.

"Can I switch with someone?" Tristan asked just before Rose's biker form punched him.

"You can have the family from Jump Start!" Yuri called out. "Seriously, why do I keep getting the black people?"

James frowned, holding up his hands. "You are busy... I'll come back later-"

"Can we talk about some geo-political developments?" a talking tiger asked him.

"...no," James said, pulling out his gun and blowing his stuffing out.

"Guys!" Tea called out, looking out a window. "I see Don Henley, Joe Walsh, Tim Schmit, and Vince Gill coming inside!"

"Hey, the band Kaiba hired finally got here!" Renard shouted as he took out Beetle Bailey with a throat chop, Yuri stabbing Hagar with his own helmet.

"THE EAGLES ARE COMING!" Mokuba cheered.

~MC~MC~MC~

I groaned as a pressed an ice pack to my head, still in my Ranger outfit, my helmet sitting beside me. "Well... that escalated quickly." I glance from the ambulance I was in to the burning KaibaCorp building. "I mean that got out of hand really fast."

"Honestly once Duke found those grenades I knew we'd past the Rubicon," Mai admitted. "...Merry Christmas Edwin."

"Merry Christmas Mai."

"So are you joining my Avengers?" the Grinch asked as he handed me a blanket.

"No and stop asking!"

NEXT YEAR: Hallmark Presents A Very Special Edwin Christmas

...also he might join the Yule Avengers

"NO I WON'T!"